The maids, startled by my words, each grabbed the nanny's arm. However, the two slender women were no match for the nanny, who possessed a voluptuous figure. I signaled to another maid who was standing awkwardly. Unlike the two maids before her, she seemed to have some sense of awareness and quickly clung to the nanny.
"Ah, how, how, young lady..."
As if she couldn't believe the situation, the nanny kept muttering even as she was being dragged away by the maids. I was sure she would be deeply sulking. Just thinking about trying to cheer her up gave me a headache; I felt unusually tired today.
"Please sit down, Countess, don't just stand there."
I sat down in a chair by the table and offered the Countess the seat opposite me. She looked at me with a strange expression.
"Didn't you come because you have something to say?"
"Young Lady is a bit different from what I heard."
She muttered as she sat in the seat I had appointed. Her gaze was fixed on me from beginning to end. Ignoring her stare, I gestured to call the maid who remained in the room. The maid immediately came out to my side.
"Two cups of lavender tea."
The lady-in-waiting hurried out of the room to fetch tea. I sank deep into my chair and looked at the Countess. She was still looking at me with a strange expression. It was just the two of us in the room: the Countess and me.
"That probably isn't what you want to say."
I met her gaze.
Silence hung between her and me for a moment. The Countess let out a small sigh.
"Did you say she was the Young Lady's nanny? If I intend to hold her accountable for insulting a noble, what will the Young Lady do?"
It seems she couldn't just let it slide after all. I had anticipated this would happen, so I took a hardline approach in advance. It left a bitter taste in my mouth.
"Beating around the bush is not in my nature. Tell me what you want, Countess."
"Please... meet him just once."
***
Eventually, I went to meet the Count.
He was staying in the guest annex. The Countess said that he had collapsed during the Marchioness's funeral and regained consciousness not long after the ceremony was over.
According to the Countess, the first person the Count looked for after regaining consciousness was me. The Countess looked a little bitter as she said this.
"My dear..."
The Count, who had been lying in bed, brightened up at the sight of me and sat up. He could not get up immediately and struggled greatly. The Countess quickly approached the Count and supported him.
The Count looked at least ten years older in just a few days. His wrinkled cheeks were deeply sunken, as if he had become gaunt.
He gestured for me to come closer. Even that gesture seemed to be under immense strain. The Count's arm, swaying with difficulty, reminded me of the dry branches of an old tree.
Watching the Count, I was convinced. People's conjectures were wrong. The Countess did not kill the Count. She had no need to kill him. There was no longer any attachment to life in the Count's eyes.
His daughter's death must have been such a shock to him that it erased any lingering attachment to life. It seemed that he wanted to meet me because he thought it was the last time.
I approached him. The Count reached out his hand toward me. His hand grasped mine as if wrapping around it. His hand was as rough as it appeared.
"Are you okay?"
I gazed blankly at the Count. There was no reason for me not to be alright. The Marchioness and I were practically strangers. In the past, I at least harbored some resentment toward her. But to me now, she was nothing but a complete stranger. To her. I no longer held any lingering feelings or resentment. I simply felt sorry for her as a fellow woman.
'Was suicide the only extreme method left in the end?'
I, too, chose the same end as hers. I resented him for not looking at me, and I cursed the world that drove me to the edge of a cliff again and again.
'Did I really have no other choice back then? Couldn't there have been a better alternative?'
I still vividly remember the pain and desperation of that time. Back then, I could think of no other way than to kill myself. I wanted to be freed from that hellish suffering as soon as possible. And by then, I was already so exhausted from loving him.
I understand her desperation and pain because I had made the same choice as the Marchioness. She and I are in love; we were blind. Blinded by the emotion of love, I did something foolish.
'What about now? Can I avoid doing that foolish thing now?'
My whole body grew cold, as if I had been doused with ice water. It felt as though the emotions I had tried so hard to bury were slowly creeping out. I haven't met him yet. What will become of me if I meet him again?
'Will I fall in love again and make a foolish choice?'
My fingertips began to tremble. I started to feel scared of something that hadn't even happened yet. I was afraid of myself meeting him and falling in love again.
"Sorry."
A warm sensation enveloped me. Before I knew it, the Count was holding me in his arms. He slowly stroked my back with his large, rough hand.
"No matter how painful it was, I shouldn't have turned a blind eye. It's all my fault."
The Count, who was holding me in his arms, trembled slightly. He was crying. I slipped out of his embrace and looked up at him. Tears were streaming down between the wrinkles on his face.
He cupped my cheeks with both hands. I could feel a rough yet warm sensation.
"Grandpa is entirely at fault. So don't cry like that."
I did not understand the Count's words. It was he, not me, who was crying right now.
Facing me, his face was contorted with sadness.
He wiped the corner of my eye with his thumb. I felt something damp following his touch.
"Don't cry so sorrowfully when you can't even make a sound. My baby."
I was shedding tears, reflected in his eyes.
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