She was more sensitive to the title I used to call the Count than to the words suspecting her of infidelity.
"The title is my choice, Countess."
"Why... why do you always... to Him..."
'Ah.'
I finally understand why she hid a dagger within the affection she showed me. It seems that women in love are all alike. They are blind and sometimes greedy. Although she feels attracted to me because I resemble the Count, she is jealous of me because I am receiving attention from the Count simply because we are blood relatives.
She was in love with the Count.
"Are you talking about the Marchioness and me when you say 'you'?"
Her eyes crinkled. She looked at me with a face that said she couldn't understand.
"A Marchioness? She is your..."
"Because to me right now, family is no different from strangers."
I interrupted her and answered. Before I died, I craved my parents' affection. My father, the Marquis.
I longed for attention and craved the warmth of my mother, the Marchioness.
When I was Lee Ji-ah, I received all of my parents' affection. I received the love of my father, who accompanied me home from school every day, worried that his daughter might walk alone on the dark road at night, and the warmth of my mother, who meticulously packed side dishes for me, even though her nagging was harsh, because she was concerned that I might go hungry away from home.
At that time, my sense of self as Lee Ji-ah was stronger than that of Bjornne. To someone like me, my current family was not family, even though we were connected by blood.
A lot of time had passed. I had nothing more to say to her.
'That's enough meddling.'
I clearly warned her. Now, the child's fate rests on her shoulders. If she heeded my warning, she would live; otherwise, things would turn out just as they did back then. I do not wish for the child to die, but there was nothing more I could do.
"It is Young Lady's maternal grandfather! Are you really not going to meet him?"
She shouted urgently at me as I moved. I left her behind and went inside the columbarium.
"Sob. My poor little lady."
When I returned to my room after placing the urn in the columbarium, what was waiting for me was the weeping face of my nanny.
"The mistress is so heartless. How is the young lady supposed to get by all alone... sob sob."
Even when the Marchioness was alive, I ate well and lived comfortably on my own. However, the nanny wept bitterly as if the sky had fallen. On either side of her, two ladies-in-waiting supported her and comforted her.
'I'm tired.'
Suddenly, fatigue surged in like a tidal wave.
I did not stay by the funeral hall for the entire duration of the service. As a child, I only guarded the funeral home on the first and last days. Even that was enough to make this still-young body complain of fatigue.
Anyway, I have no idea what they are thinking, acting like that in front of me. I sat on the sofa and stared blankly at their behavior. The comfortable sofa cushions gently cradled my hips and lower back. I felt like I wanted to take a nap right then and there.
"Nanny, please don't cry."
"At this rate, even the nanny will collapse."
"You really need to stay strong. If even the nanny collapses, what will happen to our young lady?"
'It's getting more and more embarrassing.'
As if they did not feel my gaze, they trembled hard under the guise of comfort. Perhaps gaining strength from their words—whether comfort or just mourning, I couldn't tell—the nanny wept even more bitterly.
"I have to cheer up. I really need to cheer up... sniff sniff. My poor little lady!"
'I'm not pitiful, you know?'
If someone who doesn't know heard this, they would think I'm dead.
My nanny used to make a fuss over even small matters as if they were major ones. The Marchioness's death was no small matter, but it did not have a significant impact on me, neither then nor now.
I understood why the nanny was crying so bitterly. She had grown up with the Marchioness like sisters. It would be a lie to say she wasn't sad.
Fully understanding the nanny's sorrow, irritation was slowly creeping in, but I decided to hold it in for now. Right now, the drowsiness that was overwhelming me was more important than scolding them. My eyelids slowly drooped. From the other side, drowsiness beckoned gently. It was the most alluring temptation in the world.
“...No.”
"Move aside...! I have to meet..."
In my sleep, I could faintly hear the sound of an argument. There is a saying that the heaviest thing in the world is the eyelids. My mind tried to slowly wake up, but my eyes would not open because my eyelids felt as heavy as a thousand pounds. I tried my best...
I didn't feel the need to get up, so I tried to go back to sleep.
If it were something I needed, the nanny would have woken me up by now. But no one attempted to wake me. It meant I could sleep more. I was about to surrender to the temptation of drowsiness once again. That is how fatal the temptation of drowsiness was. Had it not been for the increasingly intense commotion, I would have fallen deeply in sleep.
“Get out of the way."
"The young lady does not want to meet you."
"Didn't I say I would hear it directly from the Lady?"
"If you keep doing this, I will call a knight."
The nanny was arguing with someone. I wanted to ignore it, but the sound kept getting louder.
There was no woman in this house capable of handling a nanny. The nanny was the Marchioness's breastfeeding companion, and she had brought her to the Elliot estate as her personal lady-in-waiting when the Marchioness married the Marquis. After I was born, she cared for me as a nanny while also serving as the head lady-in-waiting of the household.
The ladies-in-waiting and maids of this house dared not question or refuse her orders. The Marquis did not interfere in internal affairs unless there was a special problem.
The Marchioness, the mistress of the house, had no interest in domestic affairs. It would not be an exaggeration to say that the wet nurse handled most of the actual household management. There was no way for the ladies-in-waiting or maids to talk back to such a wet nurse. The only ones who could challenge her words were the Marquis, the master of the household, myself, and the butler in charge of overall management.
I can't fight the Marquis in the first place, so I'll pass. I'm not one of them, so I'll exclude that.
'Then there's no one but the butler...'
The butler is a man. Moreover, the voice of the woman arguing with the nanny sounded strangely familiar. In the end, I had no choice but to lift my heavy eyelids. I felt slightly annoyed at the two women disturbing my sleep.
"Privately, I am Young Lady's maternal grandmother. I should be fully qualified to see Young Lady, shouldn't I?"
"How could someone like you..."
"What's the matter?"
I interrupted the nanny.
I understood that the nanny disliked her, but blatantly ignoring her was a problem. Regardless of her past, she was now a noblewoman. It was problematic for a commoner nanny to show such disrespect towards a noblewoman through her attitude and remarks.
"It's nothing. Miss, you must be tired, so please go and get some more rest."
The nanny hurriedly approached me. Blocking my view with her large body, she led me into the bedroom. Avoiding the nanny's touch, I approached the Countess, who was unable to enter the room due to the interference of the ladies-in-waiting.
"I see you quite often today, Countess."
"Miss!"
The nanny shouted at me. Her face was full of displeasure, as if she was unhappy with my behavior. Ignoring her, I gestured toward the Countess.
"Don't just stand there, come in."
The ladies-in-waiting blocking the Countess looked back and forth between me and the nanny, at a loss for what to do. I frowned at them. Nevertheless, they hesitated and only cast anxious glances at the nanny.
"Miss, that woman is..."
"Who are you talking to right now?"
“Ah. Miss...?”
The nanny's eyes widened in surprise at my cold tone. My current appearance must seem very unfamiliar to her.
It has been a full eight years since I served as Empress. To maintain even a shred of pride while in the position of Empress, I needed the power to oppress others. To be looked down upon by others, especially by subordinates.
In an instant, it turned into a sharp weapon and tried to scratch me.
I knew nothing but how to throw tantrums. I threw tantrums like a child begging for a toy. The people around me treated me with pampering. I couldn't help but become increasingly arrogant. I didn't realize that deep down, they looked down on me. I firmly believed the expressions on their faces and the words they said to me.
I thought it was only natural for them to look up to and praise me because I was special and a chosen one. At that time, I had no idea that everything could be a lie. It was a truly foolish thought.
Once the lies were shattered, what followed was hell. They cursed me with the very mouths that had flattered me, and attacked me with the power and wealth I had shared with them. I had to learn on my own how to protect myself amidst it all.
Power still remained within me. I learned how to wield it. A cold tone and overbearing commands were quite suitable means to exercise the power I possessed. They feared me. At the very least, those who used to speak disrespectfully in front of me disappeared. That is how I lived for eight years as Empress.
"If you don't intend to just keep your mouth shut, get out of here."
I spoke harshly to the nanny. She teared up, seemingly hurt. In the past, I would have blindly tried to protect her like a reckless fool, without thinking about the consequences, but now I had no choice. Even though it might seem heartless, this method was much better for her.
If the Countess takes issue with this, things have escalated. After all, the Countess is a noblewoman and a nanny is a commoner. Here, the difference in social status was a barrier that could never be ignored.
If the Countess officially requested the Marquis's household to punish the nanny, the household had no choice but to comply with her wishes. It was an undeniable fact that the nanny had insulted the Countess, and insulting a noble was a serious crime.
"Ah. Miss, uh... how could you do this to me?"
The nanny seemed deeply shocked. Her lips trembled. It must have been a natural shock for her, as I had always been wrapped in her skirt and acted as she said, knowing only I knew.
Excited, I did not want to waste any more time with her. I pointed at the ladies-in-waiting who were still blocking the Countess's path.
"You two. Take the nanny and leave."
"... What?"
"Miss!"
Even at my command, they only glanced at the nanny. Their behavior alone showed just how much I had been wrapped up in her skirt. I knew it to some extent, but their attitude was even worse than I had anticipated.
The surrounding circumstances that I couldn't have known before were now very clearly visible. This was because Lee Ji-ah's ego was a little stronger now, allowing me to view my surroundings with an objective perspective.
I spoke to them a little more forcefully.
"Do you want to be dragged out with her too?"
Previous Next
Comments
Post a Comment