Episode 73 - Proof That You Are Alive
It was dawn. Before the sun rose, the Duke Ashford's training grounds were silent. Since the sky was still dark, a few torches were lit inside. Their light illuminated the training ground floor irregularly. The lights flickered on the marble floor. Shadows appeared and disappeared.
In the center of the training ground, Leon stood alone. He held his sword by himself, without an opponent. Leon raised his sword and brought it down into the air. The sound of the wind cutting through echoed through the training ground. He raised it again. And brought it down. He repeated the same motion. It was a movement without imagining an opponent. He was simply moving. Because he knew that when the body moves, the mind empties. But it did not empty. Every time he raised his sword, the same voice came to mind.
"Young Master, do you have feelings for me?"
That voice would not fade from his ears. It seemed to become clearer with every downward strike.
Leon increased the speed of his sword. Raising and lowering, raising and lowering. Still, it did not disappear.
"Will you evade this question cowardly, just like before?"
Leon stopped his movements. The training ground fell silent. Only the crackling of torches could be heard. Leon caught his breath and thought. Why couldn't he answer?
It wasn't that he couldn't answer. Leon knew the answer. He hadn't answered. He could have, but he chose not to. Why?
Leon raised his sword again. Was it because of the broken engagement? He had broken off his engagement with Serena. To be precise, they were engaged, and Leon had refused. It was an engagement his father had forced upon him. It wasn't what Leon wanted. Yet, Leon knew what impact that refusal had had on Serena. That she was now viewed in society as a Princess with a history of broken engagements. Even though it wasn't Serena's fault.
Thinking this, Leon brought his sword down. The fact that the person who had broken off an engagement was expressing his feelings to that Princess again. Leon considered how that might sound from Serena's perspective. It could have sounded like, "You abandoned me once, and now you've come back?" Or perhaps the broken engagement was already a thing of the past for Serena, and Leon was simply shouldering that weight alone.
Leon couldn't tell which side it was. But Leon thought as he raised his sword again. If that were the only reason, he could have asked Serena directly. Asked her what she thought about the broken engagement. Asked her what feelings that history had left her with for him. He could have asked directly, but he didn't.
So, the broken engagement wasn't the whole story. Was it because of the Crown Prince?
The Crown Prince had expressed his feelings for Serena. A marriage proposal had been officially made, and His Imperial Majesty had accepted it. The situation had become such that the position of Crown Princess could be given to Serena.
Leon brought his sword down. Leon tried not to compare himself to the Crown Prince. Yet, the comparison kept coming.
The Crown Prince was a man of the Imperial Household. If Serena became Crown Princess, she would gain the authority and power to move within the Imperial Household. It would create a larger shield to protect the Valois ducal family.
He was the young prince of the Ashford ducal family. Currently, he held the position of Special Inspector. However, Leon knew that this carried a different weight than the position of Crown Princess. Who could offer Serena something better?
As Leon thought this, he brought his sword down harder. Hard enough to almost hit the ground. But Leon raised his sword again and thought. Is Serena someone who desires the position of Crown Princess?
The Serena who had been poring over documents regarding the hot spring site in the garden. The Serena who had been scheming for the people of the Valois ducal family since dawn. The Serena who had been going in and out of the Empress's quarters, muttering to herself, "Oh, you fool." Is that Serena someone who desires the position of Crown Princess?
Leon paused his sword as he thought about this. He felt a sense of uncertainty. He had never actually asked Serena what she wanted. Leon had developed feelings for her while observing what kind of person she was, yet he had never asked her what she truly desired. Therefore, the Crown Prince was not everything. Was it because of the current situation?
The battle with the Empress was in full swing. The investigation into the Golden Lion Merchant Guild was ongoing. The victimized families were still holding out. As the Special Inspector, Leon had a mountain of matters to handle. In this situation, bringing out his emotions might not be good for either Serena or himself. When emotions get involved, judgment becomes clouded. Clouded judgment could put Serena in danger.
Leon thought as he raised his sword. But... if that logic were correct, when would be the right time? Was it after the Empress was completely dealt with?
Leon could not know when that would be. He also did not know how long it would take for the situation to be sorted out. During that time, Serena had to decide how to handle the Crown Prince's marriage. Could Serena understand my feelings of waiting for the situation to settle?
Leon brought his sword down as he thought this. So, the situation wasn't everything. But Leon thought as he paused his sword. That wasn't everything. The broken engagement, the Crown Prince, the situation. It wasn't that those weren't reasons. But there was a real reason, something else entirely. Leon knew it. He knew it, yet he had been turning a blind eye. The real reason. It was terrifying.
Leon raised his sword again. It wasn't that he had no feelings. He did have feelings. He vaguely knew when it had started. It wasn't when the talk of breaking off the engagement first came up. It wasn't when he saw her handing out honey water to the workers at the hot springs site. It wasn't when he saw her refusing to give up, even while flustered by Grumpy in the stables.
He doesn't know exactly when it was. But it had appeared at some point. Was it when I saw her standing confidently in and out of the Empress's chambers alone? Was it when I saw her pretending to be unaffected while taking care of the Valois ducal family, yet neglecting herself? Was it when I heard her voice not waver as she brought up the Crown Prince's marriage in front of the reception room door? Or was it when he left the study last night?
As Leon left the study, something crossed his mind. The thought that Serena would cry tonight. For some reason, that thought weighed heavily on his steps. His footsteps remained heavy even as he walked back. The thought that Serena might be crying alone seemed to hold him back.
Leon brought his sword down hard. As he did so, he thought. If he spoke, it would be irreversible. He had experienced a broken engagement once. Although that breakup was what Leon had wanted, it did not mean he felt nothing. Being connected to someone was not a light matter to Leon. That is why opening up his heart again. What would happen if things went wrong? That was what was terrifying.
Leon swung his sword several times and stopped. His hand tingled. Leon looked down at the sword. Then he looked at his hand. The flesh on the inside of the hand gripping the hilt was peeled off. The skin had been scraped from swinging the sword so much. A red substance was seeping in. Even Leon himself did not know when it had started. He had been so focused that he could not feel the pain.
Leon looked into his hand. Peeled skin. The seeping red substance. Leon thought. Would this pain be greater than the pain in Serena's heart? He saw Serena's eyes when he left the study last night. He wondered what kind of look on her face must have been on her face as she was left alone in the study after she had asked him directly, but he couldn't give a proper answer. He wondered what kind of look she would have on her face when she woke up this morning.
Leon clenched his hand. It tingled. The scraped skin reacted. The pain traveled up to his wrist. Yet, that pain didn't seem like it would be worse than the wound he had left on Serena last night.
Leon put down his sword. Looking at his scraped hand, Leon thought, "Cowardly." That was what Serena had said.
"You're going to cowardly evade this question just like you did earlier."
She wasn't wrong, Leon knew. He had evaded it. Because he was scared.
Leon slowly began to wrap a cloth around his hand. Red seeped through the cloth. Looking at it, Leon thought, "I can endure this much pain in my hand. Why can't I say just that one thing?"
The day began to break, and sunlight streamed into the training ground. As Leon wrapped his hand, he looked toward the entrance of the training ground. The Duke of Ashford was standing there. Leon didn't know how long his father had been standing there. It felt as though the Duke had been leaning against the entrance of the training grounds, arms crossed, watching Leon for quite some time. He had watched Leon train alone since dawn. His eyes looked at the cloth wrapped around Leon's hand, then moved up to Leon's face.
Leon stopped and looked at his father.
"A guy who trains alone from dawn is someone whose mind is complicated."
Leon said nothing. Duke Ashford approached Leon and looked at his hand. It was a hand wrapped in cloth. A little red had seeped through the cloth. Duke Ashford's eyes lingered on the hand for a moment before looking at Leon.
"I heard about the Crown Prince's marriage."
Leon looked at his father. Duke Ashford spoke while surveying the training grounds once.
"I know you said it was difficult. With Princess Valois."
Leon froze. He wanted to ask how he knew, but he didn't. Leon had known for a long time that Duke Ashford was someone who found out everything he wanted to know.
The Duke of Ashford uncrossed his arms and looked at Leon.
"Why did you say it was difficult? Is it because of the broken engagement? Or is it because of the Crown Prince?"
Leon remained silent.
"Or are you just scared?"
Leon looked at his father. The Duke of Ashford looked at his son and said.
"If it's three, you're an honest fellow."
Then he raised his hand. A light tap on the back of Leon's head landed. It felt heavy. Leon staggered a step forward. It felt as if the cloth wrapped around his hand was about to come undone.
Leon clenched his fist and looked at his father. The Duke of Ashford crossed his arms again and said.
"If you're scared, say you're scared. That's more honest. Saying it's difficult is a cowardly excuse."
Leon froze. Cowardly. That was what Serena had said.
"You're going to cowardly evade this question just like you did earlier."
And now his father was saying the exact same thing. The same words were being said about the same person. Leon held the back of his head with his hand and looked at his father. The Duke of Ashford spoke as he walked out of the training grounds.
"I pushed for the broken engagement, and you refused. That guilt isn't yours."
Leon watched his father's retreating figure.
"The Crown Prince is the Crown Prince, and you are you. It is disrespectful to the heart to weigh one's feelings while comparing positions."
It took Leon time to accept those words. It is disrespectful to the heart to weigh one's feelings while comparing positions. The Duke of Ashford stopped at the entrance to the training grounds and spoke.
"And."
Leon waited. The Duke of Ashford spoke without turning around.
"Having something to fear is proof that you are alive. Our Ashford family must achieve what we desire at all costs. Even if it means incurring the wrath of God."
The Duke of Ashford stopped in his tracks, turned to Leon, and grinned.
"And I will not let anyone take away my candidate for daughter-in-law."
The Duke said only what he needed to say and left the training grounds.
The training grounds fell silent again. Leon remained standing in the same spot. He looked at the entrance his father had left through. Sunlight was streaming into that entrance.
Morning was dawning. Leon looked at his hand again. How long had he held a sword with this hand? How long had he endured in the training grounds? However, as he left the study last night, there was something Leon had never once endured in the time leading up to this point. Having to return while thinking that Serena might be crying. That weighed more heavily than the pain in his hand.
Leon thought as he wrapped the cloth around himself again. He had said he would sort out his thoughts and return. He did not want to cowardly turn a blind eye.
Leon picked up his sword. And he left the training grounds.
[Siegfried's Secret Shock Journal - Chapter 73]
Since returning from meeting Princess Serena yesterday, the Young Master had stayed awake all night and swung his sword in the training grounds.
The talk of a marriage between the Princess and His Royal Highness the Crown Prince was the main topic of conversation among the nobles all day yesterday. Perhaps that is why Young Master Leon rushed off to meet the Princess yesterday.
I don't know exactly what the two of them talked about, but judging by the Young Master's expression, it must have been a serious conversation.
Sensing the Young Master's state of mind, the Duke sought him out while he was training at the training grounds and spoke with him for a long time.
All I saw at the training grounds was a single smack on the head delivered with a massive fist, and the Duke saying that he wouldn't let his daughter-in-law be taken away.
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