Intellectually, she knew this wasn't the right approach, but her subconscious inflicted wounds on her body every time she wanted to be loved. Every time she saw Kendrick, putting everything aside, she felt relieved.
'Kendrick still loves me.'
Stella was addicted to this kind of foolishness. She had a vague hope that if this continued, Kendrick would forget about the rumors and focus solely on her.
"You know I fall easily."
"I know. I know very well."
And she was afraid. That Kendrick might find out about her shallow intentions.
"But you're an adult now, Stella. Why don't you stop falling?"
At some point, Kendrick stopped coming to visit Stella, even when she was sick. Lying in bed like a fool, waiting for him to come, Stella had a strange thought: had she fallen into the South Sea and become a fish? A fish pretending to be human?
"Yes, I'm sorry."
When she came out of the water, she felt like a fish, struggling to breathe. Even lying still in her room was difficult. Kendrick, concerned about her loneliness, tried to find someone to talk to. But it backfired.
"The Duke is acting like that because Stella is so stuffy. I heard he's seeing his secretary?"
"No. I heard he's crazy about that bar girl."
"Really? Anyway, it's the same thing: he abandons his wife and cherishes another woman more, right? Hahaha."
'It's all just rumors.'
She didn't believe their ramblings, but she couldn't help but recall the rumors whenever she saw Kendrick.
"Do you have a drinking appointment today, too?"
"Yeah. I can't help it because of work."
Stella began to think she might never be able to live with Kendrick. She increasingly found herself unable to express her sorrows. Her condition was so serious that anyone would be concerned. Kendrick, concerned for her, suggested she see a psychiatrist, and she agreed several times. But it didn't help much. Her wounds weren't so deep that a few sessions would suffice. She was unconsciously preparing herself to break up with him.
Five more years passed like that.
"Ugh."
She felt her health deteriorating. Occasionally, her vision would become blurry, requiring a servant to be present at all times. Her name was Marie. Like Stella, she grew up in a difficult environment.
"Marie, would you mind reading a book to me?"
Stella has been enjoying reading for several years. As a child, she'd given up on books due to the various traumas and pressures of life. But as circumstances changed, she found herself longing for books again.
"Yes! How about a fairy tale book today?"
"Fairytale...?"
"Yes! There's a children's literature craze going on in the Empire these days. I have some fairy tales that you might like, Stella."
She enjoyed reading books by a writer named Roy. The outrageous events sometimes unfolded, but that was Roy's charm. One of Stella's favorites was a fairy tale called "The Tin Girl." It was a story about a girl who, oppressed by her parents, one day becomes a tin can. Stella thought that Esther, the girl who turned into a tin can, resembled herself. She spent her days relying on Marie and the fairy tales. She became quieter after Marie came in, but Stella still wounded herself. Kendrick no longer worried when Stella came in injured. Stella, too, was prepared to part ways with Kendrick.
“Marquis Anton...? What are you doing here?”
"I heard that you weren't feeling well. I came to see you."
Anton Geron occasionally visited Adrian, offering her a few gifts under the guise of visiting her. Stella felt awkward, having rejected him long ago, but she felt no need to refuse his visits.
"Thank you for coming."
And, it was funny.
'Even my older brother Skyle doesn't come looking for me.'
She treated Geron appropriately and sent him away.
One day, he said this.
"How long are you going to live like this, a backroom lady?"
Stella looked at him as if asking what he was talking about.
"There are widespread rumors that Duke Adrian is seeing another woman. Are you really planning to continue living with your eyes and ears closed to this?"
"Another woman?"
Anton Geron handed over a photograph of a couple. The woman was a stranger. But the man beside her was definitely Stella's husband, Kendrick. It's hard to tell because it's a photograph, but he looked quite affectionate. Stella's heart sank at the sight of them embracing. After he left, she gazed out the window. A few days later, Stella was given a terminal diagnosis.
After much thought, Stella decided to tell her family.
"Honey, I went to the doctor today."
Now, she is truly relieved that even when she sees Kendrick's face, she doesn't get as excited as she used to.
"Are you faking it again? Don't you think it's time you stopped?"
The moment she heard him speak, the moment she saw his expression, which was clearly filled with annoyance, the suppressed thoughts came to the surface.
'As expected, I'm alone.'
Yes. It was fortunate he hadn't believed her when she said she was terminally ill. Stella was convinced Kendrick hadn't cheated, but Kendrick didn't believe her. His cold demeanor made it easier to sort things out.
"Marie, don't you need a vacation too?"
Stella gave Marie a vacation, too. She was worried about Stella and tried desperately to keep her from going, but she desperately wanted to send her. She took a generous amount of money, sent Marie away, and lay down in bed alone.
‘If I were to be born again...’
As she considered death, her life flashed before her eyes. She felt lonely. She had seemingly enjoyed a glamorous life as the daughter of a Duke, but all she remembered were utterly lonely memories. She had never been alone since birth.
'I will never love you.'
Stella closed her eyes alone, her last thought being of Kendrick attending the imperial banquet held for Sia.
Stella! Stella!
She thought she heard someone's voice. Her hearing is almost completely lost, so she can't tell for sure, but it sounded like Kendrick's, but it wasn't. It was pitch black.
"If I close my eyes like this, how am I supposed to live? Stella, Stella!"
There seemed to be a hint of moisture in his mournful voice. Then it couldn't be Kendrick. It seemed like Stella had lost her affection for quite some time. Perhaps it was her imagination, a fantasy born of the frustration of being swayed by affection, of waiting for someone. Or perhaps Marie had returned.
"Breathe. Don't be anxious, just breathe. Your hands are so warm. Stella, open your eyes."
This sound, the warmth of holding hands, the feel of tears falling on her. The touch of a hand gently caressing her cheek, the strange sensation of her lips touching.
"Please, I beg you. I was wrong. Don't disappear like this."
'I really hate you, Kendrick.'
"It's better than living in hell." Stella smiled faintly and fell asleep.
It was a long darkness.
- You've lived a truly pitiful and ridiculous life.
A voice that sounded like a buzzing sound came to my ears.
"Who are you?"
- Who would it be? It would have to be God.
Stella readily accepted her presence. The reality of her own death began to dawn on her.
- It was fun watching you. It was so absurd.
Stella waited silently for him to continue.
- She has such a pretty face, such a kind heart, and such talent. How can she live and die so pitifully?
Stella smiled bitterly. There was nothing wrong with what he said. Despite growing up in a good environment, Stella lived like a fool.
"Ability?"
'What on earth did I have that ability?'
She heard the sound of God laughing as if he were in awe.
"Foolish. You don't even know what abilities you possess yet? I've even considered infusing another soul into your body, but I feel so sorry for you that I can't do it."
Stella opened her eyes. It was still dark. She couldn't see God, but she could still hear his voice clearly.
- Live again.
Stella had no desire to live again, as God had commanded. While she could readily appreciate the pity, it was an unwanted consideration.
"It's okay. I want to stop now."
- Don't you feel wronged? Don't you feel frustrated?
Stella bit her lower lip. It was a strange thought, at all times, that the fairy tale "The Tin Girl" came to mind. Esther, now a tin can, drifts through back alleys, streams, and rivers until she regains her sense of self and returns to being human again. Having been turned into a tin can and trembling with fear of disappointing her parents, she finally breaks free from her original life once she regains her sense of self. The story ends with her choosing to live her own life instead of returning home.
‘It’s so unfair...’
It would be a lie to say she wasn't wronged. Stella now realized how foolish her life had been.
- I'll give you this.
Stella felt the cold glass bottle in her hand.
"What is this?"
- This is the medicine you need. A love potion.
Stella clenched her fist and felt for the potion with her thumb.
"I think the reason your perfect life failed is that you didn't receive love in time. If you eat this, they'll love you unconditionally. Feed it to your parents, or your husband, or give it to a third party and start a new life."
She burst out laughing.
I've lived my life craving the affection of others, but now I'm told to rely on a love potion?
"I can do it on my own without being given this."
She didn't really want to do that.
- Ah, okay. I'm just curious.
"What is it?"
- How will your fate change if I give this to you? If you really don't want to use it, hide it away. Don't let anyone drink it.
"Can I ask for something else besides this?"
"Is there anything else you want?"
Stella nodded, whispering just loud enough for the god to hear. Hearing her words, the god nodded.
- That's all I can ask.
At Stella's request, another vial was placed in her other hand. She couldn't be sure if this conversation was a fantasy, a genuine conversation with God, or a mere trick.
"Your loneliness will remain. It's up to you to fix it."
Stella nodded and closed her eyes again. But unlike before she died, a comfortable smile now graced her lips.
The darkness grew deeper. She wondered how much time had passed. She felt her vision brightening.
"I thought she was quiet after getting married, but she's slitting her wrists again? How pathetic. Tsk tsk."
"I don't know why the child grew up like that. It's not like I can show her anywhere. Duke Adrian, you must be having a hard time."
And then she opened her eyes again. The voices of people she never wanted to see again pulled her out of the darkness.
"Don't worry, I'll take good care of it, so go back."
Stella crouched at the sound of Kendrick's soft voice. She had been motionless until just now, but now her back was bent. She could still hear her parents closing the door and leaving.
"Stella, wake up."
In her last life, Stella had given up everything. She had no desire for love or social interaction. She wanted to abandon this world. But fate was cruel. Just when Stella had finally accepted her fate and resigned herself to it, she was given life again.
"What is this situation?"
It was an unwanted gift. The life she'd given up on, the life she'd found again. She clutched her throbbing head. Light gradually began to enter her hazy vision. She remembered the conversation she'd had with God when she'd lost consciousness. But something about this situation felt strange.
"Kendrick?"
Even though it was a familiar face, it felt alien. The hair length and style were slightly different, the wrinkles around his eyes and the shape of his mouth was different. She was reminded of him as a newlywed, rather than the twenty-seven-year-old Kendrick.
"That's what I wanted to ask."
Even his anger at Stella felt exactly like that time. Before Stella died, Kendrick had looked at her with a resigned expression. Kendrick pressed her, completely oblivious to her feelings.
"Why on earth did you cut your wrist?"
Kendrick's voice rang in her ears. She stared at his hand, caressing the back of her hand with longing. It felt unreal. She was clearly dead, yet she vividly remembered losing feeling and the moment she lost consciousness. This warmth and sensation felt strange.
"Why don't you talk?"
'Kendrick still loves me.'
Stella was addicted to this kind of foolishness. She had a vague hope that if this continued, Kendrick would forget about the rumors and focus solely on her.
"You know I fall easily."
"I know. I know very well."
And she was afraid. That Kendrick might find out about her shallow intentions.
"But you're an adult now, Stella. Why don't you stop falling?"
At some point, Kendrick stopped coming to visit Stella, even when she was sick. Lying in bed like a fool, waiting for him to come, Stella had a strange thought: had she fallen into the South Sea and become a fish? A fish pretending to be human?
"Yes, I'm sorry."
When she came out of the water, she felt like a fish, struggling to breathe. Even lying still in her room was difficult. Kendrick, concerned about her loneliness, tried to find someone to talk to. But it backfired.
"The Duke is acting like that because Stella is so stuffy. I heard he's seeing his secretary?"
"No. I heard he's crazy about that bar girl."
"Really? Anyway, it's the same thing: he abandons his wife and cherishes another woman more, right? Hahaha."
They heard the noise they made in places where Stella wasn't, so they shut the door to their hearts.
She didn't believe their ramblings, but she couldn't help but recall the rumors whenever she saw Kendrick.
"Do you have a drinking appointment today, too?"
"Yeah. I can't help it because of work."
Stella began to think she might never be able to live with Kendrick. She increasingly found herself unable to express her sorrows. Her condition was so serious that anyone would be concerned. Kendrick, concerned for her, suggested she see a psychiatrist, and she agreed several times. But it didn't help much. Her wounds weren't so deep that a few sessions would suffice. She was unconsciously preparing herself to break up with him.
Five more years passed like that.
"Ugh."
She felt her health deteriorating. Occasionally, her vision would become blurry, requiring a servant to be present at all times. Her name was Marie. Like Stella, she grew up in a difficult environment.
"Marie, would you mind reading a book to me?"
Stella has been enjoying reading for several years. As a child, she'd given up on books due to the various traumas and pressures of life. But as circumstances changed, she found herself longing for books again.
"Yes! How about a fairy tale book today?"
"Fairytale...?"
"Yes! There's a children's literature craze going on in the Empire these days. I have some fairy tales that you might like, Stella."
She enjoyed reading books by a writer named Roy. The outrageous events sometimes unfolded, but that was Roy's charm. One of Stella's favorites was a fairy tale called "The Tin Girl." It was a story about a girl who, oppressed by her parents, one day becomes a tin can. Stella thought that Esther, the girl who turned into a tin can, resembled herself. She spent her days relying on Marie and the fairy tales. She became quieter after Marie came in, but Stella still wounded herself. Kendrick no longer worried when Stella came in injured. Stella, too, was prepared to part ways with Kendrick.
“Marquis Anton...? What are you doing here?”
"I heard that you weren't feeling well. I came to see you."
Anton Geron occasionally visited Adrian, offering her a few gifts under the guise of visiting her. Stella felt awkward, having rejected him long ago, but she felt no need to refuse his visits.
"Thank you for coming."
And, it was funny.
'Even my older brother Skyle doesn't come looking for me.'
She treated Geron appropriately and sent him away.
One day, he said this.
"How long are you going to live like this, a backroom lady?"
Stella looked at him as if asking what he was talking about.
"There are widespread rumors that Duke Adrian is seeing another woman. Are you really planning to continue living with your eyes and ears closed to this?"
"Another woman?"
Anton Geron handed over a photograph of a couple. The woman was a stranger. But the man beside her was definitely Stella's husband, Kendrick. It's hard to tell because it's a photograph, but he looked quite affectionate. Stella's heart sank at the sight of them embracing. After he left, she gazed out the window. A few days later, Stella was given a terminal diagnosis.
***
After much thought, Stella decided to tell her family.
"Honey, I went to the doctor today."
Now, she is truly relieved that even when she sees Kendrick's face, she doesn't get as excited as she used to.
"Are you faking it again? Don't you think it's time you stopped?"
The moment she heard him speak, the moment she saw his expression, which was clearly filled with annoyance, the suppressed thoughts came to the surface.
'As expected, I'm alone.'
Yes. It was fortunate he hadn't believed her when she said she was terminally ill. Stella was convinced Kendrick hadn't cheated, but Kendrick didn't believe her. His cold demeanor made it easier to sort things out.
"Marie, don't you need a vacation too?"
Stella gave Marie a vacation, too. She was worried about Stella and tried desperately to keep her from going, but she desperately wanted to send her. She took a generous amount of money, sent Marie away, and lay down in bed alone.
‘If I were to be born again...’
As she considered death, her life flashed before her eyes. She felt lonely. She had seemingly enjoyed a glamorous life as the daughter of a Duke, but all she remembered were utterly lonely memories. She had never been alone since birth.
'I will never love you.'
Stella closed her eyes alone, her last thought being of Kendrick attending the imperial banquet held for Sia.
Stella! Stella!
She thought she heard someone's voice. Her hearing is almost completely lost, so she can't tell for sure, but it sounded like Kendrick's, but it wasn't. It was pitch black.
"If I close my eyes like this, how am I supposed to live? Stella, Stella!"
There seemed to be a hint of moisture in his mournful voice. Then it couldn't be Kendrick. It seemed like Stella had lost her affection for quite some time. Perhaps it was her imagination, a fantasy born of the frustration of being swayed by affection, of waiting for someone. Or perhaps Marie had returned.
"Breathe. Don't be anxious, just breathe. Your hands are so warm. Stella, open your eyes."
This sound, the warmth of holding hands, the feel of tears falling on her. The touch of a hand gently caressing her cheek, the strange sensation of her lips touching.
"Please, I beg you. I was wrong. Don't disappear like this."
'I really hate you, Kendrick.'
"It's better than living in hell." Stella smiled faintly and fell asleep.
***
It was a long darkness.
- You've lived a truly pitiful and ridiculous life.
A voice that sounded like a buzzing sound came to my ears.
"Who are you?"
- Who would it be? It would have to be God.
Stella readily accepted her presence. The reality of her own death began to dawn on her.
- It was fun watching you. It was so absurd.
Stella waited silently for him to continue.
- She has such a pretty face, such a kind heart, and such talent. How can she live and die so pitifully?
Stella smiled bitterly. There was nothing wrong with what he said. Despite growing up in a good environment, Stella lived like a fool.
"Ability?"
'What on earth did I have that ability?'
She heard the sound of God laughing as if he were in awe.
"Foolish. You don't even know what abilities you possess yet? I've even considered infusing another soul into your body, but I feel so sorry for you that I can't do it."
Stella opened her eyes. It was still dark. She couldn't see God, but she could still hear his voice clearly.
- Live again.
Stella had no desire to live again, as God had commanded. While she could readily appreciate the pity, it was an unwanted consideration.
"It's okay. I want to stop now."
- Don't you feel wronged? Don't you feel frustrated?
Stella bit her lower lip. It was a strange thought, at all times, that the fairy tale "The Tin Girl" came to mind. Esther, now a tin can, drifts through back alleys, streams, and rivers until she regains her sense of self and returns to being human again. Having been turned into a tin can and trembling with fear of disappointing her parents, she finally breaks free from her original life once she regains her sense of self. The story ends with her choosing to live her own life instead of returning home.
‘It’s so unfair...’
It would be a lie to say she wasn't wronged. Stella now realized how foolish her life had been.
- I'll give you this.
Stella felt the cold glass bottle in her hand.
"What is this?"
- This is the medicine you need. A love potion.
Stella clenched her fist and felt for the potion with her thumb.
"I think the reason your perfect life failed is that you didn't receive love in time. If you eat this, they'll love you unconditionally. Feed it to your parents, or your husband, or give it to a third party and start a new life."
She burst out laughing.
I've lived my life craving the affection of others, but now I'm told to rely on a love potion?
"I can do it on my own without being given this."
She didn't really want to do that.
- Ah, okay. I'm just curious.
"What is it?"
- How will your fate change if I give this to you? If you really don't want to use it, hide it away. Don't let anyone drink it.
Stella realized. This so-called god would do as he pleased anyway.
"Is there anything else you want?"
Stella nodded, whispering just loud enough for the god to hear. Hearing her words, the god nodded.
- That's all I can ask.
At Stella's request, another vial was placed in her other hand. She couldn't be sure if this conversation was a fantasy, a genuine conversation with God, or a mere trick.
"Your loneliness will remain. It's up to you to fix it."
Stella nodded and closed her eyes again. But unlike before she died, a comfortable smile now graced her lips.
***
The darkness grew deeper. She wondered how much time had passed. She felt her vision brightening.
"I thought she was quiet after getting married, but she's slitting her wrists again? How pathetic. Tsk tsk."
"I don't know why the child grew up like that. It's not like I can show her anywhere. Duke Adrian, you must be having a hard time."
And then she opened her eyes again. The voices of people she never wanted to see again pulled her out of the darkness.
"Don't worry, I'll take good care of it, so go back."
Stella crouched at the sound of Kendrick's soft voice. She had been motionless until just now, but now her back was bent. She could still hear her parents closing the door and leaving.
"Stella, wake up."
In her last life, Stella had given up everything. She had no desire for love or social interaction. She wanted to abandon this world. But fate was cruel. Just when Stella had finally accepted her fate and resigned herself to it, she was given life again.
"What is this situation?"
It was an unwanted gift. The life she'd given up on, the life she'd found again. She clutched her throbbing head. Light gradually began to enter her hazy vision. She remembered the conversation she'd had with God when she'd lost consciousness. But something about this situation felt strange.
"Kendrick?"
Even though it was a familiar face, it felt alien. The hair length and style were slightly different, the wrinkles around his eyes and the shape of his mouth was different. She was reminded of him as a newlywed, rather than the twenty-seven-year-old Kendrick.
"That's what I wanted to ask."
Even his anger at Stella felt exactly like that time. Before Stella died, Kendrick had looked at her with a resigned expression. Kendrick pressed her, completely oblivious to her feelings.
"Why on earth did you cut your wrist?"
Kendrick's voice rang in her ears. She stared at his hand, caressing the back of her hand with longing. It felt unreal. She was clearly dead, yet she vividly remembered losing feeling and the moment she lost consciousness. This warmth and sensation felt strange.
"Why don't you talk?"
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