“...Haa.”
I sighed involuntarily.
The hands that gently stroked my head and slowly brushed my back were as reverent as if an angel had descended from the sky and was performing a sacred ceremony with the feathers of her soft wings, blessing me with the blessings of God. My mind, which had been wandering around the edge of insomnia, crossed the firmly established wall and headed toward the realm of sleep.
Then, the feeling of not being able to remember how long it had been since I had fallen asleep was so sweet that I felt a moment of guilt as I thought of my baby who would never be able to open his eyes.
However, my body was so exhausted that I couldn’t wake up.
Even after running away and hiding in the palace with a worried heart because I thought I wouldn’t be able to give birth to Kaian's baby, I had never felt at ease.
Giving birth itself was a task with many variables.
In the end, I punished myself by thinking of the baby I couldn’t protect.
‘I’m not worthy.’
I stayed away from anything good that would make me happy and joyful.
Even a piece of sweet candy that might make me feel better.
Then, I gradually couldn’t swallow anything properly, and my body, which had become weak, suffered from insomnia even worse.
In the ancient literature of the Sol Continent, there is something called asceticism.
If you meditate repeatedly without eating or sleeping, you will become a living Buddha while awake.
I had never been to the Sol Continent, but I thought that my current state might be similar to that.
When I was just about to touch the gates of the underworld, I fell asleep, leaning on the warmth that seemed to caress my soul.
‘Somehow, this doesn’t seem right.’
Was I really so eager to live?
Maybe even the hatred that made me want to kill Kaian was a love called bittersweetness?
Kaian probably didn’t even know why I didn’t want to see him.
His very existence had become my guilty pleasure.
The person who had once been my guide to the happy future I ideally dreamed of, the person who had been my whole world.
When I thought of Kaian, I fell into a deep sleep so that the guilt that followed me became vague, and I could barely feel happy.
The place I reached in my sleep was heaven.
Warmth enveloped me and a wind with a good scent blew.
Occasionally, flower petals flew in and gently brushed my cheeks and hair.
'Claudel.'
When I opened my eyes, I saw the sunlight shining through the lush green leaves.
'Why are you awake?'
As soon as I opened my eyes under the large tree by the lake that was making a croaking sound, I knew that it was a dream.
'Why are you looking at me like that?'
It was completely different from what Kaian had done to me in reality.
However, it wasn't completely different. After Herzol got better, there was a time when we got along well, but the man in my dream seemed to have escaped from a memory of that time.
'It's nothing.'
When I answered that, he smiled, lifting the corners of his lips as if it were bland.
'Sleep more.'
'Ugh.'
Even a piece of sweet candy that might make me feel better.
Then, I gradually couldn’t swallow anything properly, and my body, which had become weak, suffered from insomnia even worse.
In the ancient literature of the Sol Continent, there is something called asceticism.
If you meditate repeatedly without eating or sleeping, you will become a living Buddha while awake.
I had never been to the Sol Continent, but I thought that my current state might be similar to that.
When I was just about to touch the gates of the underworld, I fell asleep, leaning on the warmth that seemed to caress my soul.
‘Somehow, this doesn’t seem right.’
Was I really so eager to live?
Maybe even the hatred that made me want to kill Kaian was a love called bittersweetness?
Kaian probably didn’t even know why I didn’t want to see him.
His very existence had become my guilty pleasure.
The person who had once been my guide to the happy future I ideally dreamed of, the person who had been my whole world.
When I thought of Kaian, I fell into a deep sleep so that the guilt that followed me became vague, and I could barely feel happy.
The place I reached in my sleep was heaven.
Warmth enveloped me and a wind with a good scent blew.
Occasionally, flower petals flew in and gently brushed my cheeks and hair.
'Claudel.'
When I opened my eyes, I saw the sunlight shining through the lush green leaves.
'Why are you awake?'
As soon as I opened my eyes under the large tree by the lake that was making a croaking sound, I knew that it was a dream.
'Why are you looking at me like that?'
It was completely different from what Kaian had done to me in reality.
However, it wasn't completely different. After Herzol got better, there was a time when we got along well, but the man in my dream seemed to have escaped from a memory of that time.
'It's nothing.'
When I answered that, he smiled, lifting the corners of his lips as if it were bland.
'Sleep more.'
'Ugh.'
It was too fatal a temptation to sleep more. I fell into a deep sleep like that. But it was strange.
'...Ugh.'
Every time I tossed and turned in my sleep, the ground I was sitting on in my dream seemed to shake and move with me.
'It's hard.'
I preferred a softer and more fluffy bed. As the time I was asleep grew longer, I tossed and turned more frequently, and every time I did, a bird clad in light would fly in and sweep me with its wings. But for a moment, my eyes opened wide.
"Whew."
When my mind, worn out by fatigue, passed by, the breeze I had felt while sitting by the lakeside of Rowen Castle's garden sounded so familiar that it gave me goosebumps. Even after I woke up, I was so shocked that I froze in place. Before I knew it, the sun had set and the library had become dark. Kaian was sleeping with me in his arms on the wide window seat that was wide enough for a person to lie down on.
I was startled. Kaian opened his eyes slightly as if he sensed that I had woken up from his comfortable embrace. His red eyes, more clearly visible in the darkness, stared at me.
“What the heck?”
“Are you having trouble sleeping?”
Kaian slowly examined me.
“I just let you sleep for a little while because you looked so tired.”
“Who are you to do something like that?”
“I'm still my husband, so why can’t I?”
Kaian smiled bitterly.
“I was worried.”
“Who would worry about me?”
“Do I need permission to worry?”
I was speechless.
On the other hand, I could see how casually he had ignored my angry and struggling demands all this time.
“I really hate you.”
It seemed that I couldn’t properly convey my resentment to Kaian. I suddenly missed the dagger I had impulsively thrown out the window.
“I want to kiss you.”
However, his words in return for my angry response were even more absurd.
“...I can’t, can I?”
I naturally scrunched my face.
“I tried to do it secretly but held back. But I can’t.”
Unable to listen any longer, I shook him off and jumped up. Fortunately, perhaps because I had slept well, the energy flowing through my body was unusually strong these days.
I hurriedly ran out of the library and headed straight to Valquiterre's office.
“What’s going on all of a sudden? Did you come running?”
Valquiterre looked at me with a surprised face. It was understandable, because this was the first time I had come to see him like this since coming to the palace, and had come running to him.
“Give me the King’s order.”
“If it’s the King’s order?”
“You promised, right? If I meet Kaian just once, you’ll take back the King’s order.”
I gave up on the divorce agreement that Kaian didn’t agree to.
If I stayed involved with him even a little longer, I might really go crazy.
“Please save me.”
I wanted to die, but I was afraid of dying.
What should I call the sticky things that came from emotions that were pushed to their limits?
Regret or remorse. The fruit of sin or foolishness.
They were all things that were too shameful to show to anyone.
In the other world that I had not yet reached, my parents, those I had sent away first, and the soul of my baby all stared at me with shining eyes.
Then I wanted to forget reality quickly.
It seemed that only then would I have a chance to atone.
“I will do so.”
The person who had been listening to me rambling like a madman for a long time nodded.
“If you wish.”
“...Thank you.”
Tears flowed down my cheeks.
The thin ties with my unforgivable enemy were severed.
Finally.
When Baron Colon entered Salon Arvo, the maid who had been running errands for the master greeted him cheerfully.
“Welcome.”
“Where is Madame Cronach?”
“She is in the office on the top floor.”
The maid said regretfully.
“She often stays in the office these days.”
Madame Cronach was not only the face of Salon Arvo but also a figure who was revered as a religion by the commoners.
Like her, many of them were eager to seize a good opportunity and become successful.
Madame Cronach often comes down to chat with guests or personally greet important guests.
For some time, she has been staying in seclusion and staying mostly in her office, so those who spend their days in Salon Arvo almost every day facing their idols and receiving good energy were suffering from withdrawal symptoms.
“I will go up myself.”
“Shall I make tea?”
“No. I will drink what Madame gives me.”
The top floor of Salon Arvo.
The butler felt sweat forming on his forehead as he quickly climbed up to the fifth floor.
Knock.
When he knocked on the door, Madame Cronach opened the locked office door from the inside.
When he entered, it was more crowded than he had expected.
To find Claudel’s whereabouts for the past few months, Madame Cronach had sent people separately from Kaian to search for her daughter.
However, she had thought there would be no trace of her, but it turned out that she was hiding in the nine-story palace.
“I have bad news.”
Madame Cronach kept her mouth shut as if waiting for him to speak.
“The King’s order has finally been withdrawn.”
“In the end, the divorce failed. Instead of a divorce, the royal decree was revoked.”
“Yes. You are right.”
Baron Colon continued with a gloomy expression.
“The lord has been in the castle for a while now and has not been in a good mood. Since the King’s messenger came from the castle, he has been blaming himself, saying that everything is his fault.”
“Whew.”
Why was Claudel imprisoned in the royal castle?
After returning to the capital from Rowen, Madame Cronach had been gathering information.
It wasn’t long before she discovered something suspicious.
Surprisingly, all the workers who had been delivering news from the castle under Kaian’s orders had been cut down without exception.
When she found out, Madame Cronach was furious and said that she should have found all of Valquiterre's spies in Rowen Castle while she was in the distant territory. She kept quiet, but it turned out that soldiers were blocking the entire floor of the royal castle, which had a special function called the Royal Lounge so that no one could enter.
If it was true that Claudel was staying in the royal castle, it would be a huge headache.
Claudel wouldn’t know how cruel and horrible Valquiterre was.
It stung.
Just thinking about him made her scars sting as she recalled the face of the boy who had swung his sword at her at the age of fifteen intending to take her life.
However, after all the limbs that had been planted in the palace for a long time were cut off, it was clear that they had been blatantly trying to keep Kaian in check, so it was difficult to hastily send people back in.
'I have to confirm that Claudel is there somehow.'
Kaian's doubts were answered when he received a telegram demanding a divorce, despite his worries.
"Isn't there any way?"
Madame Cronach looked at Baron Colon.
"If this continues, something big might happen. The Duke is not the same person as before."
If I stayed involved with him even a little longer, I might really go crazy.
“Please save me.”
I wanted to die, but I was afraid of dying.
What should I call the sticky things that came from emotions that were pushed to their limits?
Regret or remorse. The fruit of sin or foolishness.
They were all things that were too shameful to show to anyone.
In the other world that I had not yet reached, my parents, those I had sent away first, and the soul of my baby all stared at me with shining eyes.
Then I wanted to forget reality quickly.
It seemed that only then would I have a chance to atone.
“I will do so.”
The person who had been listening to me rambling like a madman for a long time nodded.
“If you wish.”
“...Thank you.”
Tears flowed down my cheeks.
The thin ties with my unforgivable enemy were severed.
Finally.
***
When Baron Colon entered Salon Arvo, the maid who had been running errands for the master greeted him cheerfully.
“Welcome.”
“Where is Madame Cronach?”
“She is in the office on the top floor.”
The maid said regretfully.
“She often stays in the office these days.”
Madame Cronach was not only the face of Salon Arvo but also a figure who was revered as a religion by the commoners.
Like her, many of them were eager to seize a good opportunity and become successful.
Madame Cronach often comes down to chat with guests or personally greet important guests.
For some time, she has been staying in seclusion and staying mostly in her office, so those who spend their days in Salon Arvo almost every day facing their idols and receiving good energy were suffering from withdrawal symptoms.
“I will go up myself.”
“Shall I make tea?”
“No. I will drink what Madame gives me.”
The top floor of Salon Arvo.
The butler felt sweat forming on his forehead as he quickly climbed up to the fifth floor.
Knock.
When he knocked on the door, Madame Cronach opened the locked office door from the inside.
When he entered, it was more crowded than he had expected.
To find Claudel’s whereabouts for the past few months, Madame Cronach had sent people separately from Kaian to search for her daughter.
However, she had thought there would be no trace of her, but it turned out that she was hiding in the nine-story palace.
“I have bad news.”
Madame Cronach kept her mouth shut as if waiting for him to speak.
“The King’s order has finally been withdrawn.”
“In the end, the divorce failed. Instead of a divorce, the royal decree was revoked.”
“Yes. You are right.”
Baron Colon continued with a gloomy expression.
“The lord has been in the castle for a while now and has not been in a good mood. Since the King’s messenger came from the castle, he has been blaming himself, saying that everything is his fault.”
“Whew.”
Why was Claudel imprisoned in the royal castle?
After returning to the capital from Rowen, Madame Cronach had been gathering information.
It wasn’t long before she discovered something suspicious.
Surprisingly, all the workers who had been delivering news from the castle under Kaian’s orders had been cut down without exception.
When she found out, Madame Cronach was furious and said that she should have found all of Valquiterre's spies in Rowen Castle while she was in the distant territory. She kept quiet, but it turned out that soldiers were blocking the entire floor of the royal castle, which had a special function called the Royal Lounge so that no one could enter.
If it was true that Claudel was staying in the royal castle, it would be a huge headache.
Claudel wouldn’t know how cruel and horrible Valquiterre was.
It stung.
Just thinking about him made her scars sting as she recalled the face of the boy who had swung his sword at her at the age of fifteen intending to take her life.
However, after all the limbs that had been planted in the palace for a long time were cut off, it was clear that they had been blatantly trying to keep Kaian in check, so it was difficult to hastily send people back in.
'I have to confirm that Claudel is there somehow.'
Kaian's doubts were answered when he received a telegram demanding a divorce, despite his worries.
"Isn't there any way?"
Madame Cronach looked at Baron Colon.
"If this continues, something big might happen. The Duke is not the same person as before."
She was still in an ambiguous relationship with Kaian. He still trusted Valquiterre.
However, the real power in Rowen Castle, whom Kaian trusted the most, might be a little different.
"Even if it means going against His Majesty the King. Are you willing to do it?"
However, the real power in Rowen Castle, whom Kaian trusted the most, might be a little different.
"Even if it means going against His Majesty the King. Are you willing to do it?"
A New Series, For You Even Regret Is Luxury, is out now! It's such an interesting story, so I hope you will like it as much as I do! You can check it HERE!
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