Where did it go wrong?
It seems like it started from a small greed and grew out of control. At first, I wanted him to give me just a room in this world, then I wanted him to love me alone, and I wanted to keep him by my side forever. The man I'd let go of, wishing only for me to live, had finally returned to me. Seeing him, who never once acted the way I wanted, makes me want to cry.
Noah took my hand and tried to help me up. His right hand, still wrapped in bandages, was still holding mine. I shook his hand away and let out a whimper of resentment.
“You heard from Johanna. And yet you came to save me?”
"I heard you said we should go our separate ways. The path you take is the path I take."
"I meant to end it all. Why are you interpreting it as you please? I never wanted to see you again."
Across the sky, I could see the shape of a plane, and I could hear it approaching. It was six fighter jets flying low. The roar of their speed, cutting through the pitch-black darkness, made the forest surrounding us tremble.
Noah's broad upper body, clad in a gray-green military uniform, enveloped my vision. I was pushed back and fell to the ground. In an instant, he occupied me, encasing me in his embrace and whispering softly.
“I’ll just keep doing this until it passes.”
We were so close that our breaths were mingling. After a single fighter jet swept past, he asked in the stillness that filled the air.
“Diana. Did you really want to break up with me?”
Noah was a man who didn't show much emotional variability. Only those closest to him could tell if he was angry, sad, or happy. I knew exactly what he was feeling.
"We're already divorced, and things are over. I intended to be a flawless Crown Princess. That's what you wanted."
"I never wanted this to end. And I know you didn't mean it, Diana. You came to find me."
“I don’t know why I did that either. It just happened.”
Because I couldn't stand to see him.
I tried to hide my emotions by pretending to be calm as usual.
Our breathing faded, drowned out by the roar of fighter jets passing overhead. His embrace, as he lowered himself and held me tightly, was as comfortable as a restful embrace. So much so that my resolve to part ways forever seemed meaningless. The moment I laid eyes on those deep, ocean-like eyes, I felt like I'd crumbled like a sandcastle struck by waves.
I buried my face in his chest.
“I even killed people, several soldiers.”
“You won’t even get a medal for that in this world.”
He gently stroked my cheek. I shook my head, rubbing it so hard that the corners of my eyes turned red.
“They say that killing someone is a sin, and that if you commit a sin, you will be punished.”
“Who is punishing you?”
“I don’t know either. This world is abnormal.”
"Yeah. I'll take the punishment instead. I don't mind taking three more."
In the silence, Noah raised his head and looked around. His dull eyes stopped somewhere. At the end of his close gaze, he saw Boaz, collapsed in a mess of dirt and fallen leaves.
“Boaz also died because of me.”
The gaze that followed my faint voice turned this way.
“Please say that again.”
“Boaz died trying to save me. He always looked out the window and missed you.”
His lips parted, but no sound came out. I assumed he was being cautious.
“Diana, I’ll find you a similar military dog.”
It was a monotonous conclusion. A replacement military dog. Was Boaz really that meaningless? Perhaps it was the bitter winter wind, or perhaps the man's indifferent response, that sent a chill through my body. I knew he was that kind of man, yet I couldn't help but feel resentful. He added, his face expressionless.
“Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ll be able to find it. The only dog that wants to see me is Boaz.”
I lay there, covering my eyes with the back of my hand. The sorrowful emotions I'd been holding onto, unable to let go, welled up in my chest.
"Everyone who was by my side sacrificed themselves for me. I didn't just kill soldiers. Many died because of me. The air raid was my fault, too."
Even my pretense of strength seemed to have shattered. My eyes burned, and my nose stung. The sadness I'd been holding in leaked through the cracks, and I wept.
"I don't want this anymore. The thought of everyone who was a part of my daily life disappearing. The truth that they'll all disappear one day is so terrifying, I can't stand it."
“I know that feeling, too. I just felt it relatively recently.”
“In a situation where everyone was trying to kill you, I made a certain resolution to save you and save you from danger...”
I knew full well that it wasn't something I should have said to Noah, who had gone to the battlefield for me. His warm hand caressed my soaking wet face.
“Diana. I was wrong.”
"It's true that you were wrong. From going to war without permission, to ruining my plans to run away with you, to leaving me alone."
I was about to endlessly blame and pour out a few more complaints, but I gave up when I saw his pitiful expression, like a cat with its ears folded down.
“Yeah. It’s all my fault. What should I do?”
He noticed that I had softened somewhat and smiled faintly. His eyes, now loosely curved, were still beautiful. I wasn't angry because my resolve, which had been prepared to die, had been ignored. It wasn't a mixture of conflict and hatred. I just wanted him to understand my feelings. Selfishly, seeing him again, I didn't want to tell him to go back anymore. I wanted to be with him. I'm fickle, after all.
“I apologize.”
“You just did it.”
“I'll do it until you feel better.”
“What if it never works out?”
“I’ll do it anyway.”
“Yes. You’ll do it every day.”
It was a night unlike any other.
We held each other, feeling the warmth we hadn't shared in a long time, until all the fighter jets whirled across the sky. Suddenly, it was quiet, as if nothing had happened. It felt like we were alone in a city that had already died.
Noah helped me up and shook the dirt off my clothes. He looked at the captain's body and remained silent for a moment. Then he carefully picked up Boaz, who was lying right next to him, and spoke.
“You deserve a medal of honor because you shot a traitor who tried to kill your dog.”
“I don’t want to justify it like that.”
“Diana, Boaz isn’t dead. He’s just badly injured.”
I opened my eyes wide and looked at Boaz, who was in Noah's arms. A faint, cloudy breath escaped from his parched nose. I sighed, relieved that Boaz was alive.
We walked along the moonlit path toward our old home. I rubbed the back of Boaz's neck as Noah held him. His limp tail swayed like faded dogtail grass, keeping pace with Noah's pace. I remembered Boaz, who would wag his tail vigorously at the mere sight of us.
The dog is stupid. I didn't even treat him well, so why did he follow me? I squeezed my eyes shut and bit my lip. The reality weighed heavily on me, leaving me no time to grieve.
“He followed the car I was in. I guess he thought he was being abandoned again.”
“He followed you to protect you, in case you died. Because you’re a military dog.”
He stopped walking and looked down at Boaz, who was hanging limply on his arms. Then he smiled languidly at me.
"I'm a soldier, too. My father was like that. People become soldiers to protect those they care about. I didn't understand it then, but I understand now."
I followed Noah, carrying Boaz, along a path shadowed by long, tree-like moonlight. Judging by the thickening mist and the humid smell, I knew I was getting closer to the reservoir adjacent to the mansion.
“Noah.”
It was only after I called a couple more times that he looked back at me.
"Yes."
“What should we do from now on?”
"I intend to follow your imperfect plan. To go anywhere, anywhere."
“Is that okay?”
“What if the person who planned it asks?”
He let out a pleasant laugh.
"The bike thief gave me a ride back here. There's even an airplane at the Air Force Command depot. It's old, though."
“Where did Johanna go?”
"She can't return to Cynthia because she's wanted for deserting and stealing a fighter jet. I think she went to the New World first."
Johanna did that for us? My personality made me question it at first, but at the same time, I felt a strange sense of gratitude, akin to concern.
As I silently followed Noah's shadow, looking down, I suddenly felt something strange. For a while now, he hadn't been able to hear the conversation clearly, and when he spoke, he looked at my lips instead of my eyes. He always looked into my eyes, reading my mood and thoughts. I stopped walking and called his name loudly.
“Noah.”
“Diana, do your legs hurt?”
“By any chance... are you having trouble hearing?”
His eyes darted to my lips as I spoke, then met his eyes again.
“I can hear you.”
“Can’t you hear me?”
“Yeah, everyone is like that. It gets better with time.”
Soldiers exposed to the noise of war—fighters, gunfire, and artillery fire—are bound to experience hearing loss. I, too, suffered from severe tinnitus after an air raid and received treatment. Not wanting to be seen with my gloomy expression, I quickly stood next to him.
“I wish time would pass quickly.”
I hope the war ends soon and the wounds of this era heal. Surely, our wounds will heal, too.
The empty mansion, untouched by the air raid, looked exactly as it had before, only the seasons had changed. The excitement of my first day moving in and the anticipation of the four seasons here felt as vivid as yesterday.
“It’s all done. Did I wrap the bandage well?”
Noah rolled up his sleeves and spoke proudly, shaking his hands. Using the first aid kit available in the mansion, he skillfully removed the bullet embedded in Boaz's body, disinfected it, and bandaged it.
“Yes, you are good at everything.”
"I've done it a lot. I've built a lot of graves. I even built the grave of a military doctor who was my friend at the garrison."
“I see. Why did he die? No, he must have been grateful.”
He smiled faintly at my vague answer and looked at me.
"Diana. If you leave like that, you'll look like a prisoner of war captured by a bad officer."
I sighed, looking down at my dress, caked with dirt and blood. No matter how much I shook it, the leaves and dirt kept falling. I wondered if there were still clothes left in the closet. Noah pointed inside the mansion.
"Go in, wash up, and change your clothes. We'll be able to leave at dawn once the air raid warning is lifted."
The mansion remained as it had been, except for a dusty mess. It seemed the valuables had been stolen by those who had remained in the city. Entering the room, I found the closet wide open. Even the clothes had been emptied. Dory, as if she knew, had left behind only the black mourning clothes I worn on Dr. Rugen's funeral. Unable to light a fire, I washed myself in cold water and emerged from the bathroom shivering. He was wearing his military shirt and shaking his wet hair.
“Noah. I washed with cold water. Aren’t you cold?”
“I’m so cold I could die.”
He gave me a charming smile and hugged me tightly as I was wrapped in a blanket.
“If you do this, you won’t freeze to death.”
We took out the bedding that had been washed and stored and made the bed. I rested my head on his shoulder as he sat on the bed. I was so exhausted from all the work I'd done that I almost fainted. Strangely, my mind was clearer than usual. He put his arm around my shoulder and said,
"Diana, I didn't want you to die. I don't know what happiness is for you, but I wanted to make it happen."
“If I were the only one happy, wouldn’t that be unhappiness?”
They say time heals everything, but in reality, it was I who needed to change. I continued, stroking his bandaged hand.
“You know, they say saving one person is like saving the world.”
Noah's face tilted like a puppy that didn't understand a command.
"Yes."
“It means that you, who saved my world, are the reason for my life.”
“The reason for living.”
Noah tried to repeat my words smoothly, as if he were recalling them, and then laughed with a faint, nasal sound. I loved that affectionate laugh.
“I may not be able to change the whole world, but I can change your world and mine.”
We must change first. The countless deaths we've ignored are becoming unbearable. I smiled at Noah with a sad face.
“Noah, let’s start over.”
As long as you and I live, again and again.
In a world where you and I are together.
It seems like it started from a small greed and grew out of control. At first, I wanted him to give me just a room in this world, then I wanted him to love me alone, and I wanted to keep him by my side forever. The man I'd let go of, wishing only for me to live, had finally returned to me. Seeing him, who never once acted the way I wanted, makes me want to cry.
Noah took my hand and tried to help me up. His right hand, still wrapped in bandages, was still holding mine. I shook his hand away and let out a whimper of resentment.
“You heard from Johanna. And yet you came to save me?”
"I heard you said we should go our separate ways. The path you take is the path I take."
"I meant to end it all. Why are you interpreting it as you please? I never wanted to see you again."
Across the sky, I could see the shape of a plane, and I could hear it approaching. It was six fighter jets flying low. The roar of their speed, cutting through the pitch-black darkness, made the forest surrounding us tremble.
Noah's broad upper body, clad in a gray-green military uniform, enveloped my vision. I was pushed back and fell to the ground. In an instant, he occupied me, encasing me in his embrace and whispering softly.
“I’ll just keep doing this until it passes.”
We were so close that our breaths were mingling. After a single fighter jet swept past, he asked in the stillness that filled the air.
“Diana. Did you really want to break up with me?”
Noah was a man who didn't show much emotional variability. Only those closest to him could tell if he was angry, sad, or happy. I knew exactly what he was feeling.
"We're already divorced, and things are over. I intended to be a flawless Crown Princess. That's what you wanted."
"I never wanted this to end. And I know you didn't mean it, Diana. You came to find me."
“I don’t know why I did that either. It just happened.”
Because I couldn't stand to see him.
I tried to hide my emotions by pretending to be calm as usual.
Our breathing faded, drowned out by the roar of fighter jets passing overhead. His embrace, as he lowered himself and held me tightly, was as comfortable as a restful embrace. So much so that my resolve to part ways forever seemed meaningless. The moment I laid eyes on those deep, ocean-like eyes, I felt like I'd crumbled like a sandcastle struck by waves.
I buried my face in his chest.
“I even killed people, several soldiers.”
“You won’t even get a medal for that in this world.”
He gently stroked my cheek. I shook my head, rubbing it so hard that the corners of my eyes turned red.
“They say that killing someone is a sin, and that if you commit a sin, you will be punished.”
“Who is punishing you?”
“I don’t know either. This world is abnormal.”
"Yeah. I'll take the punishment instead. I don't mind taking three more."
In the silence, Noah raised his head and looked around. His dull eyes stopped somewhere. At the end of his close gaze, he saw Boaz, collapsed in a mess of dirt and fallen leaves.
“Boaz also died because of me.”
The gaze that followed my faint voice turned this way.
“Please say that again.”
“Boaz died trying to save me. He always looked out the window and missed you.”
His lips parted, but no sound came out. I assumed he was being cautious.
“Diana, I’ll find you a similar military dog.”
It was a monotonous conclusion. A replacement military dog. Was Boaz really that meaningless? Perhaps it was the bitter winter wind, or perhaps the man's indifferent response, that sent a chill through my body. I knew he was that kind of man, yet I couldn't help but feel resentful. He added, his face expressionless.
“Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ll be able to find it. The only dog that wants to see me is Boaz.”
I lay there, covering my eyes with the back of my hand. The sorrowful emotions I'd been holding onto, unable to let go, welled up in my chest.
"Everyone who was by my side sacrificed themselves for me. I didn't just kill soldiers. Many died because of me. The air raid was my fault, too."
Even my pretense of strength seemed to have shattered. My eyes burned, and my nose stung. The sadness I'd been holding in leaked through the cracks, and I wept.
"I don't want this anymore. The thought of everyone who was a part of my daily life disappearing. The truth that they'll all disappear one day is so terrifying, I can't stand it."
“I know that feeling, too. I just felt it relatively recently.”
“In a situation where everyone was trying to kill you, I made a certain resolution to save you and save you from danger...”
I knew full well that it wasn't something I should have said to Noah, who had gone to the battlefield for me. His warm hand caressed my soaking wet face.
“Diana. I was wrong.”
"It's true that you were wrong. From going to war without permission, to ruining my plans to run away with you, to leaving me alone."
I was about to endlessly blame and pour out a few more complaints, but I gave up when I saw his pitiful expression, like a cat with its ears folded down.
“Yeah. It’s all my fault. What should I do?”
He noticed that I had softened somewhat and smiled faintly. His eyes, now loosely curved, were still beautiful. I wasn't angry because my resolve, which had been prepared to die, had been ignored. It wasn't a mixture of conflict and hatred. I just wanted him to understand my feelings. Selfishly, seeing him again, I didn't want to tell him to go back anymore. I wanted to be with him. I'm fickle, after all.
“I apologize.”
“You just did it.”
“I'll do it until you feel better.”
“What if it never works out?”
“I’ll do it anyway.”
“Yes. You’ll do it every day.”
It was a night unlike any other.
We held each other, feeling the warmth we hadn't shared in a long time, until all the fighter jets whirled across the sky. Suddenly, it was quiet, as if nothing had happened. It felt like we were alone in a city that had already died.
Noah helped me up and shook the dirt off my clothes. He looked at the captain's body and remained silent for a moment. Then he carefully picked up Boaz, who was lying right next to him, and spoke.
“You deserve a medal of honor because you shot a traitor who tried to kill your dog.”
“I don’t want to justify it like that.”
“Diana, Boaz isn’t dead. He’s just badly injured.”
I opened my eyes wide and looked at Boaz, who was in Noah's arms. A faint, cloudy breath escaped from his parched nose. I sighed, relieved that Boaz was alive.
We walked along the moonlit path toward our old home. I rubbed the back of Boaz's neck as Noah held him. His limp tail swayed like faded dogtail grass, keeping pace with Noah's pace. I remembered Boaz, who would wag his tail vigorously at the mere sight of us.
The dog is stupid. I didn't even treat him well, so why did he follow me? I squeezed my eyes shut and bit my lip. The reality weighed heavily on me, leaving me no time to grieve.
“He followed the car I was in. I guess he thought he was being abandoned again.”
“He followed you to protect you, in case you died. Because you’re a military dog.”
He stopped walking and looked down at Boaz, who was hanging limply on his arms. Then he smiled languidly at me.
"I'm a soldier, too. My father was like that. People become soldiers to protect those they care about. I didn't understand it then, but I understand now."
***
I followed Noah, carrying Boaz, along a path shadowed by long, tree-like moonlight. Judging by the thickening mist and the humid smell, I knew I was getting closer to the reservoir adjacent to the mansion.
“Noah.”
It was only after I called a couple more times that he looked back at me.
"Yes."
“What should we do from now on?”
"I intend to follow your imperfect plan. To go anywhere, anywhere."
“Is that okay?”
“What if the person who planned it asks?”
He let out a pleasant laugh.
"The bike thief gave me a ride back here. There's even an airplane at the Air Force Command depot. It's old, though."
“Where did Johanna go?”
"She can't return to Cynthia because she's wanted for deserting and stealing a fighter jet. I think she went to the New World first."
Johanna did that for us? My personality made me question it at first, but at the same time, I felt a strange sense of gratitude, akin to concern.
As I silently followed Noah's shadow, looking down, I suddenly felt something strange. For a while now, he hadn't been able to hear the conversation clearly, and when he spoke, he looked at my lips instead of my eyes. He always looked into my eyes, reading my mood and thoughts. I stopped walking and called his name loudly.
“Noah.”
“Diana, do your legs hurt?”
“By any chance... are you having trouble hearing?”
His eyes darted to my lips as I spoke, then met his eyes again.
“I can hear you.”
“Can’t you hear me?”
“Yeah, everyone is like that. It gets better with time.”
Soldiers exposed to the noise of war—fighters, gunfire, and artillery fire—are bound to experience hearing loss. I, too, suffered from severe tinnitus after an air raid and received treatment. Not wanting to be seen with my gloomy expression, I quickly stood next to him.
“I wish time would pass quickly.”
I hope the war ends soon and the wounds of this era heal. Surely, our wounds will heal, too.
The empty mansion, untouched by the air raid, looked exactly as it had before, only the seasons had changed. The excitement of my first day moving in and the anticipation of the four seasons here felt as vivid as yesterday.
“It’s all done. Did I wrap the bandage well?”
Noah rolled up his sleeves and spoke proudly, shaking his hands. Using the first aid kit available in the mansion, he skillfully removed the bullet embedded in Boaz's body, disinfected it, and bandaged it.
“Yes, you are good at everything.”
"I've done it a lot. I've built a lot of graves. I even built the grave of a military doctor who was my friend at the garrison."
“I see. Why did he die? No, he must have been grateful.”
He smiled faintly at my vague answer and looked at me.
"Diana. If you leave like that, you'll look like a prisoner of war captured by a bad officer."
I sighed, looking down at my dress, caked with dirt and blood. No matter how much I shook it, the leaves and dirt kept falling. I wondered if there were still clothes left in the closet. Noah pointed inside the mansion.
"Go in, wash up, and change your clothes. We'll be able to leave at dawn once the air raid warning is lifted."
The mansion remained as it had been, except for a dusty mess. It seemed the valuables had been stolen by those who had remained in the city. Entering the room, I found the closet wide open. Even the clothes had been emptied. Dory, as if she knew, had left behind only the black mourning clothes I worn on Dr. Rugen's funeral. Unable to light a fire, I washed myself in cold water and emerged from the bathroom shivering. He was wearing his military shirt and shaking his wet hair.
“Noah. I washed with cold water. Aren’t you cold?”
“I’m so cold I could die.”
He gave me a charming smile and hugged me tightly as I was wrapped in a blanket.
“If you do this, you won’t freeze to death.”
We took out the bedding that had been washed and stored and made the bed. I rested my head on his shoulder as he sat on the bed. I was so exhausted from all the work I'd done that I almost fainted. Strangely, my mind was clearer than usual. He put his arm around my shoulder and said,
"Diana, I didn't want you to die. I don't know what happiness is for you, but I wanted to make it happen."
“If I were the only one happy, wouldn’t that be unhappiness?”
They say time heals everything, but in reality, it was I who needed to change. I continued, stroking his bandaged hand.
“You know, they say saving one person is like saving the world.”
Noah's face tilted like a puppy that didn't understand a command.
"Yes."
“It means that you, who saved my world, are the reason for my life.”
“The reason for living.”
Noah tried to repeat my words smoothly, as if he were recalling them, and then laughed with a faint, nasal sound. I loved that affectionate laugh.
“I may not be able to change the whole world, but I can change your world and mine.”
We must change first. The countless deaths we've ignored are becoming unbearable. I smiled at Noah with a sad face.
“Noah, let’s start over.”
As long as you and I live, again and again.
In a world where you and I are together.
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