I violently twisted my wrist, trying to free my bound hands. The man's smooth face, as if wearing a mask, twisted cruelly.
"I'm asking where you were going."
Barcas pulled me towards him with a groan and spat out a curse in front of me.
I shot him a hostile glare. My swollen leg was throbbing with sharp pain, but I mustered all my strength to maintain a calm, composed expression.
"What does it matter where I go?"
At that moment, I realized I had completely exhausted his patience. A sound like a broken wind instrument flowed from his thick, blood-red throat.
"Do you know how dangerous you are today?"
I bit my lip, feeling the strong fingers tightening painfully against my skin. He gripped my shoulder with his other hand and spoke forcefully, each word engraved in my mind.
"Have you ever imagined what would have happened if a bad vagrant or criminal had found you first?"
I struggled not to flinch. He continued mercilessly, as if to crush my efforts.
"Rape, murder, pillage... It's a miracle none of that happened until I found you."
“Don’t exaggerate. I was only out for half a day...”
"Exaggeration?"
Sharp thorns stood out in his eyes. Silvery spots, irregularly arranged along the iris, looked like the teeth of a terrifying beast.
"Are you pretending not to know, or are you really that stupid that you don't even notice how people around you look at you?"
He brought it up mercilessly, as if he were the one he was determined to insult.
"Do you think you could survive even a single day outside this castle?"
“Let go of this!”
"Let's say the astronomy guides you through the night without incident. What were you going to do next? You're already in pain after only a few hours of being in the dark, so you're going to get hurt...!"
“Let go!”
With a crack like a whip, my palm caught fire. Only after feeling the stinging pain did I realize I had struck him in the face.
I stared intently at his cheek, clearly marked with my handprint, and then my face slowly contorted. A breath as rough as sandpaper rose from my throat.
"What do you care about a body that can't even walk properly, like you said?"
His grip tightened. A warm light flickered in his cracked eyes.
It was the first time I'd seen him so angry. But strangely enough, the fear gradually subsided.
I wish he had just destroyed himself.
I continued speaking, my words dripping out through her teeth.
"Even if I get more battered here, it doesn't matter. It's better than being next to you anywhere."
In an instant, the light in his once brilliant pupils dimmed. I spoke with a tired expression toward the pale, bloodless daylight.
"So please don't let me see you."
Those words seemed to sap all his fighting spirit. The hand that had been squeezing me so tightly that it seemed as if it would crush my bones fell away without a trace.
In the suffocating silence, only the crackling of embers in the fireplace could be heard. A strange sound escaped his lips, frozen in a daze.
"Really, do you want that?"
I opened my mouth to reply, but couldn't get a word out, as if someone was choking me.
Hot tears welled up in my cornea. I lowered my eyes as if to hide them and nodded.
"If you don't look at me, do you think you'll be okay?"
The soft voice pouring down from above made my heart twist painfully. I opened my tightly clenched throat and barely managed to squeeze out a response.
"Yes."
I shot a resentful look at the man who sat motionless.
Now, please stop. How much more horrible must I become before you abandon me?
I stared at his gaunt face, as if trying to engrave it into my retinas, and then closed my eyes tightly.
"Didn't you say you'd do anything for me?"
"..."
"You've never kept your word."
The evil-bred man, accustomed to malice, was quick to babble nonsense. I let that demonic mass of flesh dance as it pleased.
"So just this once, do what I want. I don't want to face you anymore. Just looking at you makes me suffocate."
His eyelids slowly lowered and then rose. Something crumbled in his eyes, which were like graves of ashes.
"...I know exactly what you mean."
The man with an empty face, as if nothing but a shell remained, slowly got up.
I twisted my hand, which was reaching out absentmindedly. As he pulled the doorknob, a blast of cool air blew in, scratching my cheek.
The man who had been standing at the door for a moment soon disappeared into the darkness. He didn't answer at all.
The sound of the door closing with a slam felt like the sound of a guillotine blade falling.
I had been frozen still, leaped from the bed as if possessed. I tried to chase him, but the strength left my overworked knees.
I sprawled out on the carpet, looked down at my legs, which were twitching slightly, and laughed.
It's all over now.
I will no longer suffer the pain of falling. I will be stuck at the bottom for the rest of my life...
***
Since that day, Barcas has not appeared before me. Nor did he seem to be preparing to send me to a monastery or the palace. He simply kept me locked in my room, neglecting me.
Maybe he's been putting things about me on the back burner while he was busy dealing with the piling up work.
I sat on the windowsill, gazing out into the castle's interior as a drizzle poured down. The knights of the palace, who had been staying at the Grand Duke's residence for a while, were mounting their horses one by one.
Apparently, they had come to request military cooperation. On one side of the vast training ground, hundreds of mounted eastern warriors were waiting, along with wagons laden with weapons.
After a while of busily rolling my eyes between them, I was finally able to find Barcas.
I pressed my forehead against the glass window and watched the man standing in the rain.
He seemed fine.
As always, he gave instructions to the knights with a cold, impenetrable expression, and I felt a mixture of relief and pain.
I blew white breath onto the glass, erasing his form. The man lying in disarray before me was no more. I had no right to mourn that fact. I was the one who had pushed him away.
I drew the curtains over the window. I then walked over to the shelf, lit the brazier, and placed a handful of dried herbs on the flames. Feeling my mind gradually melting, I lay down on the bed and closed my eyes. The faint sound of rain echoed through my mind, which was now shattered by the sedative.
There was no way to know how long I had been so lost in thought. A rustling sound brought me back to my senses, and I blinked my dazed eyes as I noticed the maid placing something down at the head of the bed.
The refreshing scent of grass mixed into the stale air.
“...What is that?”
The young maid stared at me with a wary, wary gaze. It seemed as if I had been branded a dangerous person ever since I drugged her and ran away. The maids' attitude toward me was much more rigid than before.
She took a step back and mumbled in response.
"It's said to help calm the mind and body..."
I turned my gaze to the headboard. Inside a clear glass jar was a handful of yellow flowers, soaked in rainwater. I gazed at it absently, and the maid cautiously added.
"His Highness the Grand Duke told me this before he left."
I looked back at her with shocked eyes.
"... Is he leaving?"
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