“Aren’t you scared?”
“...”
“Is dying really nothing?”
Ivan's voice sank deeply as he asked the question.
“I just can’t imagine...”
“I've been thinking about it for a long time. Ever since you first told me to die.”
"So, don't be afraid." Amelia's calm voice pierced Ivan's heart like a sharp knife. Ivan gasped, gasping for breath like a hunting animal pierced by a blade.
No more words came out. With all his attempts to persuade Amelia in vain, he felt a blankness in his mind.
“What if I force myself on you?”
Then the mouth moved independently of the head.
“What if I say I’ll do whatever I want regardless of your wishes?”
If Amelia didn't change her mind, he was prepared to force himself to take her. His mind, now blank, might not know, but his heart remembered it.
“...Why on earth are you doing this?”
Amelia's face was filled with doubt, perhaps because she sensed that Ivan was not as usual.
“Now I’m not even that useful to myself.”
“We’re not talking about just that kind of use!”
Ivan couldn't hold back and shouted. Amelia's eyes widened in surprise, then she turned, her face worried that Ian might have woken up. That's when Ivan saw Amelia's back again.
“It’s okay, Ian.”
Ian whined, apparently feeling uneasy in bed due to the constant chatter. Amelia quickly patted Ian's chest gently. Even in his sleep, Ian seemed to sense his mother's touch, and he quickly twitched again.
“...”
Only then did Amelia release Ian's hand and lift her bent back. Her hair, which had been undone and cascading down like a waterfall, returned to its original position, and Amelia's profile was glimpsed.
“I asked if you could do it your way.”
Amelia, holding onto the edge of the crib, turned her upper body halfway to look at Ivan, staring directly at him with those eyes that had always confused him.
“Then I’ll continue to hate you. You who never let me do anything I wanted.”
Before leaving the temple, it was Aaron, and after, it was Ivan. They shook and threatened Amelia's life to its core.
“I was wrong.”
An apology slipped out of Ivan's mouth in a rush. He was staring at the expressionless face of the woman, now incapable of feeling anything.
“I, I have been mean to you all this time.”
There was no time to think about anything else.
“I knew you were innocent, but I was blinded by my own rage and deceived and exploited you.”
“...”
“So, it’s okay if you hate me from the side...”
Since he had been mulling over and organizing his thoughts the entire time Amelia was down, it wasn't difficult to apologize for what he had done wrong.
“Why are you hanging on like that?”
Amelia, who had been watching the scene blankly, asked. She sensed Ivan was trying to pull her up somehow, but it seemed strange and repulsive.
“Why am I hanging on...?”
Ivan muttered along with Amelia. It was like a child, still ignorant, absorbing and learning from his parents' words. In terms of actual emotions, he was like a child, so his expressions weren't much different.
“Because I can’t stand to see you die.”
Ivan told him the reason that came to mind right away.
“Then what about Ian, who lost his mother, and me...?”
As Ian was mentioning his mother's loss, he suddenly stopped talking. It was because he remembered the thought he's been having about what would happen if Amelia died.
"I am..."
Ivan licked his lips. He hadn't even organized his thoughts, so the words wouldn't come out. His brain wouldn't work, and he felt like a complete idiot.
“...”
Amelia didn't press him. Knowing that nothing he said would shake her, she simply stared blankly at him. His eyes, vacillating in confusion, unable to gather their thoughts, met her, pitch-black eyes that, as always, didn't avoid him.
He's seen it the day they first met. It wasn't common, to be sure, but it wasn't particularly beautiful either, yet it felt like a jewel. It was something that instantly banished any thoughts of killing it.
The reason he felt that way was simple. He was captivated, and then his heart. Yes, those pitch-black eyes were as beautiful and lovely as jewels.
That day, he fell in love.
...fell in love.
The moment he realized and acknowledged it, a storm of intense emotions swept over Ivan. The violent surge of the waves, violently rising, pounded against his chest, tripping him and knocking him to the ground. Ivan collapsed helplessly. In the wake of the waves, memories he had buried and hidden, as if they were nothing, came alive and shook him.
From the moment they first met, his heart wavered. Like a novice in first love, he repeatedly took risks and hid beneath the temple walls, seemingly ignoring even Rodan's warnings.
The night Amelia had to entangle herself with another man was no different. He knew in his head that he shouldn't move. But the thought of that slender body, pinned beneath another man, made him want to rip someone's head off if they dared to rape her.
He already considered her his. He didn't want her taken away. So, quite suddenly, he dragged a few knights and Rodan to the temple. And by a miraculous coincidence, he crossed the temple's threshold and greedily embraced the body of Amelia, who had fallen in love with him.
And under the pretense of exploiting her, he lured Amelia into the palace. She was his. He wanted her in his domain. That's why he was so furious when Amelia betrayed him, even though she wasn't. He was also trying to exploit her.
So, even though he despised Amelia, he couldn't turn away. Even after abandoning her and leaving, he looked back. Ian, a child who would disgrace him, he could kill, yet he couldn't, and he loved him.
He mentally calculated the countless losses and gains he would face, yet he still wanted to keep Amelia as his government. He was furious when she told him she wouldn't need the position of Empress. It felt like his unexpressed desires had been rejected.
What are you? You reject me on such a trivial subject.
But even in that moment of shameless betrayal and anger, he couldn't kill her. Even now, when she was ready to die, he couldn't let Amelia die.
"I."
“...”
“Because I dare to love you.”
His hands trembled as he missed what could have been the best moments and made the worst confession at the worst possible moment. Ivan's face contorted with despair. He was the one who ruined everything, none other than himself.
“You, me.”
Amelia muttered. Her eyes, beneath her half-lidded eyes, were shaking with faint confusion.
"Sorry."
Ivan apologized once more. It wasn't an apology from his head, but from his heart.
“I’m sorry. This feeling is love...”
I'm sorry for loving you and causing you so much pain.
Suddenly, something fell from Amelia's eyes. Her expressionless face made it hard to notice, but it was definitely tears. They glowed bluish in the moonlight, then spread like a sadness that spread into the air as it reached the ground.
"Lie."
Denial soon followed. It wasn't the usual, unconcerned expression. The eyes glaring at Ivan were sharp.
“How can I believe that?”
“...”
“You lied to me from the beginning.”
Ivan knows. He always said and did things differently in front of Amelia. He pretended to be a man in love, but behind her back, he was always thinking about abandoning her.
“How do I know that you are trying to trick me into avoiding this moment?”
Their relationship had always been fraught with deception and distrust. Even if they were now discussing affection, it was impossible to believe.
"Now I understand, Ivan. Why I felt like I didn't need the seat next to you."
Amelia spoke clearly.
“I want to run away from you.”
“...”
"I hate you for holding Ian's life in your hands, for deceiving me, and for never offering a proper apology. I was terrified of you mocking me."
I hate you. I hate you. My sincerity was conveyed.
“I thought it was okay, that I could endure it, but the truth is, the whole time I loved you, I felt like I was being punished and walking a path full of thorns.”
She thought he died because of her, but the love she found was ultimately a deception. She made a swaying decision in the face of overwhelming circumstances and accepted Ivan, but his betrayal wasn't without its pain. In truth, she's never forgotten it.
“I was cut, stabbed, and tormented by the words you swung at me. I lived as someone else's shadow all my life, but I was defeated by you, who told me to live as another shadow.”
“...”
“That was all I had to live for, so why would I be afraid of dying?”
Amelia asked with a mocking smile. It was the honest truth she couldn't reveal for fear of being abandoned by him.
"I've always struggled, Ivan. Everyone's trying to drown me by burying my head in the water, but I'm just flailing my arms and legs, trying to survive."
Even breathing was difficult. His face, looking back on a life filled with nothing but hardship, was blank.
"I'm so tired now. I can't even think about whether I should accept your apology or not."
Amelia said she struggled so hard that she no longer had the energy to do so.
“So if your feelings are real, I guess I’m glad I can get revenge on you by dying.”
“...”
“Is dying really nothing?”
Ivan's voice sank deeply as he asked the question.
“I just can’t imagine...”
“I've been thinking about it for a long time. Ever since you first told me to die.”
"So, don't be afraid." Amelia's calm voice pierced Ivan's heart like a sharp knife. Ivan gasped, gasping for breath like a hunting animal pierced by a blade.
No more words came out. With all his attempts to persuade Amelia in vain, he felt a blankness in his mind.
“What if I force myself on you?”
Then the mouth moved independently of the head.
“What if I say I’ll do whatever I want regardless of your wishes?”
If Amelia didn't change her mind, he was prepared to force himself to take her. His mind, now blank, might not know, but his heart remembered it.
“...Why on earth are you doing this?”
Amelia's face was filled with doubt, perhaps because she sensed that Ivan was not as usual.
“Now I’m not even that useful to myself.”
“We’re not talking about just that kind of use!”
Ivan couldn't hold back and shouted. Amelia's eyes widened in surprise, then she turned, her face worried that Ian might have woken up. That's when Ivan saw Amelia's back again.
“It’s okay, Ian.”
Ian whined, apparently feeling uneasy in bed due to the constant chatter. Amelia quickly patted Ian's chest gently. Even in his sleep, Ian seemed to sense his mother's touch, and he quickly twitched again.
“...”
Only then did Amelia release Ian's hand and lift her bent back. Her hair, which had been undone and cascading down like a waterfall, returned to its original position, and Amelia's profile was glimpsed.
“I asked if you could do it your way.”
Amelia, holding onto the edge of the crib, turned her upper body halfway to look at Ivan, staring directly at him with those eyes that had always confused him.
“Then I’ll continue to hate you. You who never let me do anything I wanted.”
Before leaving the temple, it was Aaron, and after, it was Ivan. They shook and threatened Amelia's life to its core.
“I was wrong.”
An apology slipped out of Ivan's mouth in a rush. He was staring at the expressionless face of the woman, now incapable of feeling anything.
“I, I have been mean to you all this time.”
There was no time to think about anything else.
“I knew you were innocent, but I was blinded by my own rage and deceived and exploited you.”
“...”
“So, it’s okay if you hate me from the side...”
Since he had been mulling over and organizing his thoughts the entire time Amelia was down, it wasn't difficult to apologize for what he had done wrong.
“Why are you hanging on like that?”
Amelia, who had been watching the scene blankly, asked. She sensed Ivan was trying to pull her up somehow, but it seemed strange and repulsive.
“Why am I hanging on...?”
Ivan muttered along with Amelia. It was like a child, still ignorant, absorbing and learning from his parents' words. In terms of actual emotions, he was like a child, so his expressions weren't much different.
“Because I can’t stand to see you die.”
Ivan told him the reason that came to mind right away.
“Then what about Ian, who lost his mother, and me...?”
As Ian was mentioning his mother's loss, he suddenly stopped talking. It was because he remembered the thought he's been having about what would happen if Amelia died.
"I am..."
Ivan licked his lips. He hadn't even organized his thoughts, so the words wouldn't come out. His brain wouldn't work, and he felt like a complete idiot.
“...”
Amelia didn't press him. Knowing that nothing he said would shake her, she simply stared blankly at him. His eyes, vacillating in confusion, unable to gather their thoughts, met her, pitch-black eyes that, as always, didn't avoid him.
He's seen it the day they first met. It wasn't common, to be sure, but it wasn't particularly beautiful either, yet it felt like a jewel. It was something that instantly banished any thoughts of killing it.
The reason he felt that way was simple. He was captivated, and then his heart. Yes, those pitch-black eyes were as beautiful and lovely as jewels.
That day, he fell in love.
...fell in love.
The moment he realized and acknowledged it, a storm of intense emotions swept over Ivan. The violent surge of the waves, violently rising, pounded against his chest, tripping him and knocking him to the ground. Ivan collapsed helplessly. In the wake of the waves, memories he had buried and hidden, as if they were nothing, came alive and shook him.
From the moment they first met, his heart wavered. Like a novice in first love, he repeatedly took risks and hid beneath the temple walls, seemingly ignoring even Rodan's warnings.
The night Amelia had to entangle herself with another man was no different. He knew in his head that he shouldn't move. But the thought of that slender body, pinned beneath another man, made him want to rip someone's head off if they dared to rape her.
He already considered her his. He didn't want her taken away. So, quite suddenly, he dragged a few knights and Rodan to the temple. And by a miraculous coincidence, he crossed the temple's threshold and greedily embraced the body of Amelia, who had fallen in love with him.
And under the pretense of exploiting her, he lured Amelia into the palace. She was his. He wanted her in his domain. That's why he was so furious when Amelia betrayed him, even though she wasn't. He was also trying to exploit her.
So, even though he despised Amelia, he couldn't turn away. Even after abandoning her and leaving, he looked back. Ian, a child who would disgrace him, he could kill, yet he couldn't, and he loved him.
He mentally calculated the countless losses and gains he would face, yet he still wanted to keep Amelia as his government. He was furious when she told him she wouldn't need the position of Empress. It felt like his unexpressed desires had been rejected.
What are you? You reject me on such a trivial subject.
But even in that moment of shameless betrayal and anger, he couldn't kill her. Even now, when she was ready to die, he couldn't let Amelia die.
"I."
“...”
“Because I dare to love you.”
His hands trembled as he missed what could have been the best moments and made the worst confession at the worst possible moment. Ivan's face contorted with despair. He was the one who ruined everything, none other than himself.
“You, me.”
Amelia muttered. Her eyes, beneath her half-lidded eyes, were shaking with faint confusion.
"Sorry."
Ivan apologized once more. It wasn't an apology from his head, but from his heart.
“I’m sorry. This feeling is love...”
I'm sorry for loving you and causing you so much pain.
Suddenly, something fell from Amelia's eyes. Her expressionless face made it hard to notice, but it was definitely tears. They glowed bluish in the moonlight, then spread like a sadness that spread into the air as it reached the ground.
"Lie."
Denial soon followed. It wasn't the usual, unconcerned expression. The eyes glaring at Ivan were sharp.
“How can I believe that?”
“...”
“You lied to me from the beginning.”
Ivan knows. He always said and did things differently in front of Amelia. He pretended to be a man in love, but behind her back, he was always thinking about abandoning her.
“How do I know that you are trying to trick me into avoiding this moment?”
Their relationship had always been fraught with deception and distrust. Even if they were now discussing affection, it was impossible to believe.
"Now I understand, Ivan. Why I felt like I didn't need the seat next to you."
Amelia spoke clearly.
“I want to run away from you.”
“...”
"I hate you for holding Ian's life in your hands, for deceiving me, and for never offering a proper apology. I was terrified of you mocking me."
I hate you. I hate you. My sincerity was conveyed.
“I thought it was okay, that I could endure it, but the truth is, the whole time I loved you, I felt like I was being punished and walking a path full of thorns.”
She thought he died because of her, but the love she found was ultimately a deception. She made a swaying decision in the face of overwhelming circumstances and accepted Ivan, but his betrayal wasn't without its pain. In truth, she's never forgotten it.
“I was cut, stabbed, and tormented by the words you swung at me. I lived as someone else's shadow all my life, but I was defeated by you, who told me to live as another shadow.”
“...”
“That was all I had to live for, so why would I be afraid of dying?”
Amelia asked with a mocking smile. It was the honest truth she couldn't reveal for fear of being abandoned by him.
"I've always struggled, Ivan. Everyone's trying to drown me by burying my head in the water, but I'm just flailing my arms and legs, trying to survive."
Even breathing was difficult. His face, looking back on a life filled with nothing but hardship, was blank.
"I'm so tired now. I can't even think about whether I should accept your apology or not."
Amelia said she struggled so hard that she no longer had the energy to do so.
“So if your feelings are real, I guess I’m glad I can get revenge on you by dying.”
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