“...Your last wish is to be allowed to die like this?”
Ivan barely opened his mouth to ask a question. Amelia nodded silently. Ivan's mouth twisted. He couldn't believe it. Until this morning, he'd imagined kissing Amelia's lips and the freedom and peace he'd find that night.
A night where he no longer had to worry about what anyone thought or hide his relationship. The thought of the happy face of the woman he'd be holding in his arms filled him with pride.
“If you die, even if I say I will abandon your children?”
But it was a dream come true. The woman in his arms was only imagining escaping to her death. Somehow, he felt as if he was going blind with extreme rage and shame.
“Even if I say I don’t care whether your child lives or not?”
Ivan shouted in a threatening tone.
“You can’t do that.”
Amelia didn't accuse Ivan of saying the wrong thing or get angry. She simply calmly denied the assumption, insisting it couldn't have happened in the first place.
“I know you love Ian.”
Even though he pretended not to notice, she still remembers the curiosity in Ivan's eyes as he watched his child. The way he would poke his finger at the sleeping child's chubby cheek, the joy he felt when the child whined. The affection he felt when Ian drooled on his shoulder, yet he simply held him firmly.
“Even if you threaten to kill Ian, you're the kind of person who can’t do it.”
Ivan, who despised dirt more than anything in the world, yet didn't even know it was love, jumped into the mud the moment his child fell into the lake. He even forgot the presence of the countless servants beside him.
“...”
Ivan couldn't deny that. He knew how he'd felt at one point, watching Ian, like a drizzle drenching his clothes. The pride he'd felt watching his limbs grow longer and his cheeks plump, as if proof that he was growing healthy, was undoubtedly his own.
“Don’t be tied down by pity for a mere insignificant woman.”
“...”
“You have to go your own way.”
That's why she made him spend time with Ian every day. He realized it too late, but now he couldn't break Amelia's resolve. A hollow laugh escaped Ivan's lips.
“Go, Ivan.”
Amelia saw him off with a smile, her face as beautiful as a flower blooming even in that shabby, dirty prison.
His first waking moment, rushing to see Amelia, was a moment of extreme rage. Ivan had just escaped a near-death experience, and for several days, despite his physical exhaustion, he was confined to his prison-like bedroom.
“...”
Ian stood up, clutching the leg of the chair, and began to pat Ivan's leg. His palm was so plump that it didn't even hurt when he patted it.
“You can’t do that, Your Highness, the Crown Prince.”
Mrs. Howard carefully restrained Ian, watching his expression. She then carefully held his hand to prevent him from striking himself.
Then Ian whined, seemingly annoyed. He hadn't seen his mother in two days, yet he didn't even cry for help. He seemed content to simply have Mrs. Howard and a few maids by his side.
“Leave it alone.”
There were just the occasional bout of tantrums and crying fits. Mrs. Howard said that while Ian felt uneasy when his mother, Amelia, was nowhere to be seen, he seemed to instinctively feel relieved when his father, Ivan, was in sight.
“How long has it been since we last slept together?”
Ivan lifted his son, who was clinging to his leg, and asked Mrs. Howard has a question. The subject was omitted, but Mrs. Howard readily understood the meaning.
“It’s been a couple of months. Since His Highness the Crown Prince no longer whines, I don’t think it’s necessary to always sleep with him to reassure him.”
Amelia had said it was time to learn how to sleep alone. By then, she was undoubtedly preparing for a breakup with Ian.
"Your Majesty."
Mrs. Howard cautiously called out to Ivan. Ivan turned to Mrs. Howard, whose face was filled with worry, like a mother's.
“Do you really intend to let him die?”
Mrs. Howard asked cautiously.
“But she is Ian’s biological mother...”
She'd known Amelia was Ian's biological mother for a long time, so it wasn't all that surprising that she'd mentioned it. Ivan turned his gaze back to his son, who was beginning to slap his cheek as if to call attention to him. It was an incredibly presumptuous act to dare slap the Emperor, but he wasn't even angry.
“I tried to save her.”
“...”
“I can still organize it like that.”
Although the situation had reached its worst, it wasn't unmanageable. Ivan himself might have heard some unpleasant things, but it was a good thing, since no one would dare say anything to his face anyway.
“But that woman doesn’t want it.”
But Amelia didn't want that. She refused to stay by his side, to live as his woman.
That fact gnawed at his core. To be precise, it began to erode from the edges, then at some point began to expand. The lost space was soon filled with an inexplicable anger and emptiness.
“She says dying like this is her last wish.”
Ivan chuckled and muttered. His eyes met, and Ian smiled bashfully and fell into his arms. Just like his mother, who had been acting cute. Ian's appearance was a carbon copy of Ivan's, but his eyes and smile were exactly like his mother's, making him incredibly cute.
“Ha...”
Mrs. Howard was speechless for a long time after hearing Ivan's words. Accepting the fact that someone close to her had lived with death in mind from the beginning wasn't as easy as she'd thought.
“Are you just going to give up?”
Mrs. Howard, who had finally calmed down, asked quietly.
“She asked me what I would gain by her living.”
He thought about it for several days, but Ivan still couldn't find the answer. In fact, if that were clear, he would have told Amelia to reconsider, since there was a benefit to be gained by her living.
"No."
But there was nothing. The fact that Ian had a biological mother whom he couldn't reveal to anyone, and that Ivan had a mistress. That was all.
“Why do you need to gain in your heart? Say so.”
As Ivan felt his son's warm body heat beneath his palm, Mrs. Howard spoke to him in a reprimanding tone.
“You just want to keep her by your side.”
“...”
“Why must there be a clear purpose in the mind, like the terms of a transaction?”
“I am the Emperor, Mrs. Howard.”
Ivan answered in a cold voice. Amelia's time as a help to his life had already passed, and it was only Ivan's mercy that kept her by his side and provided for him.
“This life itself is designed to take stock of everything and move forward for the sake of this country.”
“...”
"Besides, my relationship with Amelia has always been like this. What good would it do to force a woman who wants to sit next to me into my hands?"
Amelia said she no longer wanted to live in the shadows. So, could he take her as his wife? Or could he keep her as his lover without ever marrying her? Neither option seemed feasible.
"If you promise her wealth and a secure life, she won't accept it. What can you do? So, to change your mind, it has to be your own will."
As Amelia had said, all he could promise her was wealth. He couldn't help a woman who had already decided to die find her purpose in life.
“You are a coward.”
At that moment, Mrs. Howard suddenly criticized Ivan. Ivan, suddenly called a coward by his nanny, looked away, somewhat bewildered.
“Pretending not to know your feelings, putting all the responsibility on her, and respecting her decision.”
“...”
“From the moment you first met, you had her life under your control, but you pretended that yoy couldn’t do whatever you wanted with this one thing.”
A look of clear contempt crossed Mrs. Howard's face.
“I would rather you say that you can’t give up anything and you don’t dare to watch, so you’ll just watch that woman die.”
“...”
“Then, perhaps it would be better to understand that the Emperor’s position is like that.”
She looked like she couldn't stand the poor character and behavior of another son whom she had raised in her arms.
“Look at yourself now. Without even trying, without cowardly retreating...”
“...”
“Not like an Emperor, but like a fool who can’t let go of anything he holds in his hands.”
Mrs. Howard lashed out at Ivan with unvarnished words. Her tone was so cold it was hard to believe she was the usual gentle nanny. The gap between them was astonishingly large.
“Your Highness, the Crown Prince, please give him to me. I fear he will resemble his father, so it would be best if we did not see each other for a while.”
Mrs. Howard, who had said so, pulled Ian out of Ivan's arms, as if pulling out a radish. Then, without a second thought, she left Ivan's bedroom.
Ivan, left alone, was unable to utter a single word of rebuttal to Mrs. Howard.
Ivan barely opened his mouth to ask a question. Amelia nodded silently. Ivan's mouth twisted. He couldn't believe it. Until this morning, he'd imagined kissing Amelia's lips and the freedom and peace he'd find that night.
A night where he no longer had to worry about what anyone thought or hide his relationship. The thought of the happy face of the woman he'd be holding in his arms filled him with pride.
“If you die, even if I say I will abandon your children?”
But it was a dream come true. The woman in his arms was only imagining escaping to her death. Somehow, he felt as if he was going blind with extreme rage and shame.
“Even if I say I don’t care whether your child lives or not?”
Ivan shouted in a threatening tone.
“You can’t do that.”
Amelia didn't accuse Ivan of saying the wrong thing or get angry. She simply calmly denied the assumption, insisting it couldn't have happened in the first place.
“I know you love Ian.”
Even though he pretended not to notice, she still remembers the curiosity in Ivan's eyes as he watched his child. The way he would poke his finger at the sleeping child's chubby cheek, the joy he felt when the child whined. The affection he felt when Ian drooled on his shoulder, yet he simply held him firmly.
“Even if you threaten to kill Ian, you're the kind of person who can’t do it.”
Ivan, who despised dirt more than anything in the world, yet didn't even know it was love, jumped into the mud the moment his child fell into the lake. He even forgot the presence of the countless servants beside him.
“...”
Ivan couldn't deny that. He knew how he'd felt at one point, watching Ian, like a drizzle drenching his clothes. The pride he'd felt watching his limbs grow longer and his cheeks plump, as if proof that he was growing healthy, was undoubtedly his own.
“Don’t be tied down by pity for a mere insignificant woman.”
“...”
“You have to go your own way.”
That's why she made him spend time with Ian every day. He realized it too late, but now he couldn't break Amelia's resolve. A hollow laugh escaped Ivan's lips.
“Go, Ivan.”
Amelia saw him off with a smile, her face as beautiful as a flower blooming even in that shabby, dirty prison.
***
His first waking moment, rushing to see Amelia, was a moment of extreme rage. Ivan had just escaped a near-death experience, and for several days, despite his physical exhaustion, he was confined to his prison-like bedroom.
“...”
Ian stood up, clutching the leg of the chair, and began to pat Ivan's leg. His palm was so plump that it didn't even hurt when he patted it.
“You can’t do that, Your Highness, the Crown Prince.”
Mrs. Howard carefully restrained Ian, watching his expression. She then carefully held his hand to prevent him from striking himself.
Then Ian whined, seemingly annoyed. He hadn't seen his mother in two days, yet he didn't even cry for help. He seemed content to simply have Mrs. Howard and a few maids by his side.
“Leave it alone.”
There were just the occasional bout of tantrums and crying fits. Mrs. Howard said that while Ian felt uneasy when his mother, Amelia, was nowhere to be seen, he seemed to instinctively feel relieved when his father, Ivan, was in sight.
“How long has it been since we last slept together?”
Ivan lifted his son, who was clinging to his leg, and asked Mrs. Howard has a question. The subject was omitted, but Mrs. Howard readily understood the meaning.
“It’s been a couple of months. Since His Highness the Crown Prince no longer whines, I don’t think it’s necessary to always sleep with him to reassure him.”
Amelia had said it was time to learn how to sleep alone. By then, she was undoubtedly preparing for a breakup with Ian.
"Your Majesty."
Mrs. Howard cautiously called out to Ivan. Ivan turned to Mrs. Howard, whose face was filled with worry, like a mother's.
“Do you really intend to let him die?”
Mrs. Howard asked cautiously.
“But she is Ian’s biological mother...”
She'd known Amelia was Ian's biological mother for a long time, so it wasn't all that surprising that she'd mentioned it. Ivan turned his gaze back to his son, who was beginning to slap his cheek as if to call attention to him. It was an incredibly presumptuous act to dare slap the Emperor, but he wasn't even angry.
“I tried to save her.”
“...”
“I can still organize it like that.”
Although the situation had reached its worst, it wasn't unmanageable. Ivan himself might have heard some unpleasant things, but it was a good thing, since no one would dare say anything to his face anyway.
“But that woman doesn’t want it.”
But Amelia didn't want that. She refused to stay by his side, to live as his woman.
That fact gnawed at his core. To be precise, it began to erode from the edges, then at some point began to expand. The lost space was soon filled with an inexplicable anger and emptiness.
“She says dying like this is her last wish.”
Ivan chuckled and muttered. His eyes met, and Ian smiled bashfully and fell into his arms. Just like his mother, who had been acting cute. Ian's appearance was a carbon copy of Ivan's, but his eyes and smile were exactly like his mother's, making him incredibly cute.
“Ha...”
Mrs. Howard was speechless for a long time after hearing Ivan's words. Accepting the fact that someone close to her had lived with death in mind from the beginning wasn't as easy as she'd thought.
“Are you just going to give up?”
Mrs. Howard, who had finally calmed down, asked quietly.
“She asked me what I would gain by her living.”
He thought about it for several days, but Ivan still couldn't find the answer. In fact, if that were clear, he would have told Amelia to reconsider, since there was a benefit to be gained by her living.
"No."
But there was nothing. The fact that Ian had a biological mother whom he couldn't reveal to anyone, and that Ivan had a mistress. That was all.
“Why do you need to gain in your heart? Say so.”
As Ivan felt his son's warm body heat beneath his palm, Mrs. Howard spoke to him in a reprimanding tone.
“You just want to keep her by your side.”
“...”
“Why must there be a clear purpose in the mind, like the terms of a transaction?”
“I am the Emperor, Mrs. Howard.”
Ivan answered in a cold voice. Amelia's time as a help to his life had already passed, and it was only Ivan's mercy that kept her by his side and provided for him.
“This life itself is designed to take stock of everything and move forward for the sake of this country.”
“...”
"Besides, my relationship with Amelia has always been like this. What good would it do to force a woman who wants to sit next to me into my hands?"
Amelia said she no longer wanted to live in the shadows. So, could he take her as his wife? Or could he keep her as his lover without ever marrying her? Neither option seemed feasible.
"If you promise her wealth and a secure life, she won't accept it. What can you do? So, to change your mind, it has to be your own will."
As Amelia had said, all he could promise her was wealth. He couldn't help a woman who had already decided to die find her purpose in life.
“You are a coward.”
At that moment, Mrs. Howard suddenly criticized Ivan. Ivan, suddenly called a coward by his nanny, looked away, somewhat bewildered.
“Pretending not to know your feelings, putting all the responsibility on her, and respecting her decision.”
“...”
“From the moment you first met, you had her life under your control, but you pretended that yoy couldn’t do whatever you wanted with this one thing.”
A look of clear contempt crossed Mrs. Howard's face.
“I would rather you say that you can’t give up anything and you don’t dare to watch, so you’ll just watch that woman die.”
“...”
“Then, perhaps it would be better to understand that the Emperor’s position is like that.”
She looked like she couldn't stand the poor character and behavior of another son whom she had raised in her arms.
“Look at yourself now. Without even trying, without cowardly retreating...”
“...”
“Not like an Emperor, but like a fool who can’t let go of anything he holds in his hands.”
Mrs. Howard lashed out at Ivan with unvarnished words. Her tone was so cold it was hard to believe she was the usual gentle nanny. The gap between them was astonishingly large.
“Your Highness, the Crown Prince, please give him to me. I fear he will resemble his father, so it would be best if we did not see each other for a while.”
Mrs. Howard, who had said so, pulled Ian out of Ivan's arms, as if pulling out a radish. Then, without a second thought, she left Ivan's bedroom.
Ivan, left alone, was unable to utter a single word of rebuttal to Mrs. Howard.
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