“I have no complaints.”
Amelia, who was watching Ivan's furious appearance, answered calmly.
“I just felt like it would be better for everyone if I disappeared.”
There was not a shred of deceit in the eyes that stared straight at Ivan. Now, Ivan knew that much. They had spent countless nights together. He knew well the moments when, in the darkness, those women's eyes spoke of a multitude of emotions.
Joy, sadness, despair, anger, contempt, and even affection.
"What's the point of revealing the truth? No matter what excuse I give, I'm still a fraud who deceived my country, just like you said."
“You didn’t do it because you wanted to.”
“What difference would that make?”
Amelia muttered calmly. Just as Ivan had once said.
"What would Ian gain by revealing that I'm his biological mother? At best, he's been branded the son of a conman."
And then, a smile, inappropriate for the situation, spread across her lips. Even in a space reliant on a single light, such as a broken lamp, her self-deprecating emotions were clearly evident.
"He finally became the Crown Prince, but if it's revealed that his real mother is a conman who deceived the nation, there'll be an uproar and they'll demand you kick him out."
So, Amelia said, it would be much better for the child's future if he were to cut off his connection to her.
“I will go quietly without causing any harm to you.”
“...”
"I'll just ask you to take good care of Ian. If you'll praise my work so far, I'd appreciate it if you acknowledged that Ian is your biological son."
If Ian's biological father were revealed, even if he were illegitimate, he would become a half-royal. As long as Ivan supported him and Ian held the Crown Prince's position, no one could despise him.
Now, that was really all Amelia wanted.
“So you’re going to kick away the chance to live and die?”
“...”
“That would be like abandoning your own child.”
Ivan, seeing the look of resignation on Amelia's face, took a step forward. He grabbed the dirty bars of the window, something he would never normally touch. He wanted to grab Amelia's shoulder, but he couldn't, so that was the best he could do.
“You’re here.”
“...”
"Before, there was only me, so I had to protect him somehow. Now, I have you."
Ivan was smarter, stronger, and wiser than Amelia. After imprisoning and killing his enemies, whether from the noble families or the temples, the power he would wield would be unparalleled by even the most humble of nobles.
“Ivan.”
Amelia, who had been staring at Ivan's hand, stood up and reached out. She placed her hand on top of Ivan's. Perhaps because she had been left in this space all this time, Amelia's hand, which had always been warm, felt excessively cold.
“I’ll be a stain on you and Ian. I don’t want that.”
Even if she remained by his side, the notoriety of her past would never be erased. Rather, if she remained by his side as his mistress, he would be accused of being possessed by a witch and failing to properly rectify the situation.
And then? And then it's over?
No, Ivan's unsure heart would forever unsettle Amelia. If he suddenly ordered her to leave and die, it would all be over. To avoid that, Amelia would do anything. Perhaps she would even use Ian, who couldn't even declare himself her son, again.
Whatever it was, she hated it. The idea that it would become something filthy and unclean, imprinted on the lives of the two people she loved most.
“All I have given Ian is flesh and blood.”
“...”
“All I could give you was this insignificant body and heart.”
It would make her feel like the most insignificant person in the world. It was horrible. In fact, it still is. So Amelia considered herself the lowest person in the world.
“Why do you say things like that...?”
“If I do it, will it be different?”
Amelia asked a question that left Ivan speechless.
“Is there anything more I can give you if I survive?”
Nothing immediately jumped out at her. As Amelia had said, there was no particular benefit to him from her being alive.
“I asked if there was any benefit to it other than your petty guilt disappearing, Ivan.”
Amelia's gaze, half-down, caught his eye. There was no condemnation in those eyes he'd once considered jewel-like.
“No. You can’t think of anything either, so you’re keeping your mouth shut, right?”
Amelia didn't want to criticize Ivan, but simply state the facts. She didn't want to come this far and criticize him with such a vehement, emotional outburst.
“So, I have to live the rest of my life just for your pity and guilt?”
Amelia gave a short laugh. Was she really going to sacrifice the rest of her life for something like that?
“You wanted to live.”
“...”
“You told me to save you because you wanted to live.”
Ivan managed to speak in a hushed voice. His tone was gentle and soft, perhaps intended to appease the woman who seemed unlikely to change her mind. The anger that had consumed him until then seemed completely forgotten.
“That’s right. I wanted to live.”
“...”
“Not anymore.”
But Amelia wasn't fooled by his kindness. This wasn't the first or second time. It wasn't his sincerity.
“You said you would live as my woman.”
“Yes. Until I die.”
When Ivan brought up the promise from the past and pushed it in, Amelia responded immediately.
“Tell me. I might be able to give you what you want.”
Ivan searched through memories he had long since forgotten. He finally remembered the day he had made Amelia his woman and held her in his arms. The woman who had crumbled from jealousy and despair over Jane Clarke.
“Except for the Empress’s crown, I will give you whatever you want.”
His promise to give everything except the Empress's crown.
“So promise me you will be my government.”
So, the fact that made him confident that Amelia would inevitably become his government.
“Yeah. Until I die...”
As if to repay his confidence, Amelia's voice, with a resigned expression, swore that she would be his government until the day she died.
“...until you die?”
At the time, he took those words to mean she would stay by his side until her last breath. Just as he wanted, just as he wanted to hear.
“Have you been thinking about dying since then?”
But Amelia had no intention of remaining tied to him from then on. Even as she watched Ivan prepare the mansion and gifts he was planning to give her, a dull jolt struck Ivan's head.
“I hated your pity, Ivan.”
Amelia stared blankly at Ivan's stunned, dumbfounded face, then whispered gently. Just as Ivan had always been more affectionate and kind whenever he spoke cruelly. As if, under the guise of love, she was becoming more like the very thing she hated most about him.
"Admit it. At first, I even liked your sympathy. And even after I foolishly decided to do so, I continued to be swayed by you."
“...”
“Maybe. With such a ridiculous and vain expectation.”
There was no denying it. Amelia continued to be swayed by Ivan. She had concluded that there was no good in living, so she should just quietly die and disappear once everything was over. She simply loved the hand he extended to her.
“But every time you were kind to me, I suddenly became afraid. How pitiful and pitiful must I be to be like that.”
But at some point, she began to fear his change. Every time Ivan began to be affectionate towards her, every time he looked at her with a gentle gaze.
“That is all you can give me, so it will be so kind of you.”
“...”
“Money, jewels, trinkets, dresses, mansions, all those precious things.”
Because every time she thought about the future she'd left with him, she felt a sense of endless misery. Unlike the woman who would one day stand proudly by Ivan's side, she would be forced to remain a parasite, living in hiding like a shadow.
“The only thing that can repay this poor woman’s heart is such material things.”
And unlike that woman who would take everything as if it were a given, the thought of living life believing that the things he would throw at her, one by one, were affection, made Amelia feel suffocated. The thought of such a life made her think she'd be better off dead.
“So just let me die like this.”
When she let go of all those desires and gave up, she felt at ease. Amelia no longer had to torment herself with endless jealousy and despair, nor did she feel the resentment and emptiness of living in the shadows again.
“This is my first and last desire.”
When she thought she could break free from all these shackles, she didn't fear death. It was simply a liberation from bondage.
Amelia, who was watching Ivan's furious appearance, answered calmly.
“I just felt like it would be better for everyone if I disappeared.”
There was not a shred of deceit in the eyes that stared straight at Ivan. Now, Ivan knew that much. They had spent countless nights together. He knew well the moments when, in the darkness, those women's eyes spoke of a multitude of emotions.
Joy, sadness, despair, anger, contempt, and even affection.
"What's the point of revealing the truth? No matter what excuse I give, I'm still a fraud who deceived my country, just like you said."
“You didn’t do it because you wanted to.”
“What difference would that make?”
Amelia muttered calmly. Just as Ivan had once said.
"What would Ian gain by revealing that I'm his biological mother? At best, he's been branded the son of a conman."
And then, a smile, inappropriate for the situation, spread across her lips. Even in a space reliant on a single light, such as a broken lamp, her self-deprecating emotions were clearly evident.
"He finally became the Crown Prince, but if it's revealed that his real mother is a conman who deceived the nation, there'll be an uproar and they'll demand you kick him out."
So, Amelia said, it would be much better for the child's future if he were to cut off his connection to her.
“I will go quietly without causing any harm to you.”
“...”
"I'll just ask you to take good care of Ian. If you'll praise my work so far, I'd appreciate it if you acknowledged that Ian is your biological son."
If Ian's biological father were revealed, even if he were illegitimate, he would become a half-royal. As long as Ivan supported him and Ian held the Crown Prince's position, no one could despise him.
Now, that was really all Amelia wanted.
“So you’re going to kick away the chance to live and die?”
“...”
“That would be like abandoning your own child.”
Ivan, seeing the look of resignation on Amelia's face, took a step forward. He grabbed the dirty bars of the window, something he would never normally touch. He wanted to grab Amelia's shoulder, but he couldn't, so that was the best he could do.
“You’re here.”
“...”
"Before, there was only me, so I had to protect him somehow. Now, I have you."
Ivan was smarter, stronger, and wiser than Amelia. After imprisoning and killing his enemies, whether from the noble families or the temples, the power he would wield would be unparalleled by even the most humble of nobles.
“Ivan.”
Amelia, who had been staring at Ivan's hand, stood up and reached out. She placed her hand on top of Ivan's. Perhaps because she had been left in this space all this time, Amelia's hand, which had always been warm, felt excessively cold.
“I’ll be a stain on you and Ian. I don’t want that.”
Even if she remained by his side, the notoriety of her past would never be erased. Rather, if she remained by his side as his mistress, he would be accused of being possessed by a witch and failing to properly rectify the situation.
And then? And then it's over?
No, Ivan's unsure heart would forever unsettle Amelia. If he suddenly ordered her to leave and die, it would all be over. To avoid that, Amelia would do anything. Perhaps she would even use Ian, who couldn't even declare himself her son, again.
Whatever it was, she hated it. The idea that it would become something filthy and unclean, imprinted on the lives of the two people she loved most.
“All I have given Ian is flesh and blood.”
“...”
“All I could give you was this insignificant body and heart.”
It would make her feel like the most insignificant person in the world. It was horrible. In fact, it still is. So Amelia considered herself the lowest person in the world.
“Why do you say things like that...?”
“If I do it, will it be different?”
Amelia asked a question that left Ivan speechless.
“Is there anything more I can give you if I survive?”
Nothing immediately jumped out at her. As Amelia had said, there was no particular benefit to him from her being alive.
“I asked if there was any benefit to it other than your petty guilt disappearing, Ivan.”
Amelia's gaze, half-down, caught his eye. There was no condemnation in those eyes he'd once considered jewel-like.
“No. You can’t think of anything either, so you’re keeping your mouth shut, right?”
Amelia didn't want to criticize Ivan, but simply state the facts. She didn't want to come this far and criticize him with such a vehement, emotional outburst.
“So, I have to live the rest of my life just for your pity and guilt?”
Amelia gave a short laugh. Was she really going to sacrifice the rest of her life for something like that?
“You wanted to live.”
“...”
“You told me to save you because you wanted to live.”
Ivan managed to speak in a hushed voice. His tone was gentle and soft, perhaps intended to appease the woman who seemed unlikely to change her mind. The anger that had consumed him until then seemed completely forgotten.
“That’s right. I wanted to live.”
“...”
“Not anymore.”
But Amelia wasn't fooled by his kindness. This wasn't the first or second time. It wasn't his sincerity.
“You said you would live as my woman.”
“Yes. Until I die.”
When Ivan brought up the promise from the past and pushed it in, Amelia responded immediately.
“Tell me. I might be able to give you what you want.”
Ivan searched through memories he had long since forgotten. He finally remembered the day he had made Amelia his woman and held her in his arms. The woman who had crumbled from jealousy and despair over Jane Clarke.
“Except for the Empress’s crown, I will give you whatever you want.”
His promise to give everything except the Empress's crown.
“So promise me you will be my government.”
So, the fact that made him confident that Amelia would inevitably become his government.
“Yeah. Until I die...”
As if to repay his confidence, Amelia's voice, with a resigned expression, swore that she would be his government until the day she died.
“...until you die?”
At the time, he took those words to mean she would stay by his side until her last breath. Just as he wanted, just as he wanted to hear.
“Have you been thinking about dying since then?”
But Amelia had no intention of remaining tied to him from then on. Even as she watched Ivan prepare the mansion and gifts he was planning to give her, a dull jolt struck Ivan's head.
“I hated your pity, Ivan.”
Amelia stared blankly at Ivan's stunned, dumbfounded face, then whispered gently. Just as Ivan had always been more affectionate and kind whenever he spoke cruelly. As if, under the guise of love, she was becoming more like the very thing she hated most about him.
"Admit it. At first, I even liked your sympathy. And even after I foolishly decided to do so, I continued to be swayed by you."
“...”
“Maybe. With such a ridiculous and vain expectation.”
There was no denying it. Amelia continued to be swayed by Ivan. She had concluded that there was no good in living, so she should just quietly die and disappear once everything was over. She simply loved the hand he extended to her.
“But every time you were kind to me, I suddenly became afraid. How pitiful and pitiful must I be to be like that.”
But at some point, she began to fear his change. Every time Ivan began to be affectionate towards her, every time he looked at her with a gentle gaze.
“That is all you can give me, so it will be so kind of you.”
“...”
“Money, jewels, trinkets, dresses, mansions, all those precious things.”
Because every time she thought about the future she'd left with him, she felt a sense of endless misery. Unlike the woman who would one day stand proudly by Ivan's side, she would be forced to remain a parasite, living in hiding like a shadow.
“The only thing that can repay this poor woman’s heart is such material things.”
And unlike that woman who would take everything as if it were a given, the thought of living life believing that the things he would throw at her, one by one, were affection, made Amelia feel suffocated. The thought of such a life made her think she'd be better off dead.
“So just let me die like this.”
When she let go of all those desires and gave up, she felt at ease. Amelia no longer had to torment herself with endless jealousy and despair, nor did she feel the resentment and emptiness of living in the shadows again.
“This is my first and last desire.”
When she thought she could break free from all these shackles, she didn't fear death. It was simply a liberation from bondage.
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