But there was no such thing as an eternal moment. If either Amelia or Ivan had died at that moment, it would have been an eternal moment in someone's life.
"So."
Ivan leaned his upper body between the cushions piled up at the head of the bed and placed Amelia on his thigh. Amelia relaxed all her strength and leaned against Ivan, and their upper bodies pressed together.
“Tell me why that is.”
Still wearing a shirt, instead of Ivan's smooth skin, her palms could only feel the texture of the shirt rustling. Strangely, it felt like a distance between her and Ivan. Amelia, who had exposed everything, and the man who had left the last layer of clothing untouched.
“There was a reason why you did this.”
“...I heard a strange sound.”
Amelia whispered back. Instead of asking what she had heard, Ivan wrapped his arms around Amelia’s waist. He leisurely played with the ends of Amelia’s hair, tangled them around his fingers.
“Louis said, you’re looking for a family to which you can submit your proposal.”
Amelia's hand gained strength. The white shirt beneath her hand rustled slightly with a rustling sound. Along with a faint vibration that followed the trembling of her hand.
“So I thought that couldn’t be true, and then suddenly...”
“...”
“I have a feeling that we can’t figure out what our relationship is.”
Amelia muttered. Ivan never once interrupted Amelia as she continued to talk. He didn’t explain the misunderstanding or clarify their relationship.
“We spent the night together, had a child, and are still together today.”
Ivan took his hands out of Amelia's hair, which he had been playing with the whole time. Then Amelia leaned away slightly, placing her hands on Ivan's chest.
“Ivan.”
“...”
“What is our relationship?”
Amelia asked with a trembling voice. It was a question she had swallowed and refrained from asking several times. Ivan did not answer hastily. To be exact, it seemed closer to the point where he could not. It was natural. They were not married to be a couple, and they were more like a flirtatious couple who enjoyed secret meetings than lovers. Everything was uncertain to promise anything for the future.
“What will our relationship be like from now on?”
Amelia asked pleadingly, her voice hoping for the answer she wanted.
“...”
It was a face that clearly knew what answer Amelia wanted, but Ivan's lips were tightly shut. He didn't say anything easily. His face was filled with a sense of being caught. He also seemed somewhat annoyed.
“Ivan.”
Amelia called Ivan's name and urged him to answer. After all, since she had come this far, she couldn't afford to hear a vague and ambiguous answer.
“Do you want to hear something like an oath or promise?”
Then Ivan asked with a low sigh. He was wiping his face with one hand, as if he were tired. It was dry, as if he thought he had been caught being annoying.
"What?"
“Aren’t we okay like this?”
Is this okay? What is it? With no one avoiding their gaze, Amelia couldn't bring herself to ask and just blinked. It felt like the premonition that had been uneasy all along was about to become reality.
“You know you can’t be my wife anyway.”
Ivan spoke slowly. His gaze was still fixed, so it was not hard to guess that he was sincere. Amelia’s hand, which was resting on Ivan’s chest, crumpled his shirt.
“Even if all the truth is revealed, you cannot be my concubine. Even if it was not your intention, you are a traitor who deceived the royal family and served the temple. The best I can do is to keep you alive.”
Ivan, who was lying underneath, could not have been unaware of this fact, but Ivan did not stop talking. Rather, he pierced her heart with a voice that sounded affectionate at first glance, as if telling her to face reality.
“Just because I’m the Emperor doesn’t mean I can do whatever I want. You know that, too.”
Tears fell. The body that had been warmed by his touch soon became cold as if it had been abandoned on the street on a winter night. Her head became stiff as if it had been exposed to the cold wind all day.
"I am..."
Amelia was speechless. Her chest felt tight. It was a horrible feeling of something being pushed into her chest and pressing down on her chest with all its might. She couldn't breathe properly. Amelia started to gasp for air.
“I can’t promise to make you my wife. And of course I can’t say I won’t get married. That’s my duty.”
Ivan patted Amelia on the back as if telling her to breathe, and made a promise. The promise that he would spare her life and leave her as his government was very quick and clear. Unlike the previous time, when he hesitated and didn’t know what to say.
“But if you follow me, I won’t abandon you. I promise. Because I know you’re willing to die for me.”
Ivan raised his upper body slightly and kissed Amelia's temple briefly. Even though he was saying cruel things, his body was acting gently. Like someone who wanted to relieve her pain a little. It was cowardly.
“I’m sorry. If I promise now, it would be a lie.”
He was such a clear-headed person when it came to making promises he could actually keep.
Amelia let out a hollow laugh as she recalled her past self trying to get a promise from him. Ivan never swore anything out loud unless he could keep it. And up until now, Ivan had never promised anything to Amelia.
From the beginning, she guessed that Ivan had never wanted to swear any kind of relationship with her. It was just that the relationship had changed without his consent.
But then, what should I do since I've already been swept away?
Amelia grabbed Ivan's shirt with both hands, barely able to feel his face through her blurry vision.
“I will give you the mansion outside the palace and come and meet you.”
“Secretly? So we only meet at night like this every time?”
Amelia asked sarcastically. But Ivan didn't get angry, perhaps because he felt sorry for her crying. He just patted Amelia's face with his large hand.
It was Ivan. Even though he was the man she loved so much, his touch didn't provide her with any comfort.
To him, she can never be more than a government.
It was clear that he had such intentions. But he also knew that it was the best. But the funniest thing was that Amelia herself was shaken by such contact.
“Amelia.”
She was so sad that she could only cry. She couldn't monopolize the man she had in mind forever, and she didn't have the right to cross the line he drew. Amelia couldn't blame him for that. She just felt like she was going crazy.
“Why did you call me? Why did you call me here?”
“...”
“I’ll just keep you out of my reach forever. I’ll only hear about how you’re doing with Ian.”
Amelia spoke with a resentful tone. Ivan’s face distorted slightly. It seemed that he realized belatedly that his unanswered consideration had only made Amelia even more desperate.
"Then..."
Amelia also had a chance to live without knowing Ivan and Ian. The day she found out that Ivan was alive and that he was the Emperor of Escliffe. That was the day she sent Ian away in Ivan's arms. That could have been the end of all relationships.
Of course, Aaron would have tried to kill Ian somehow, but she would have prayed with the belief that Ivan would protect him. And even if Ian was truly wrong, she could have buried it in her heart, believing that she did her best.
But Ivan found a suitable excuse and called Amelia to the palace. Even if this was not what he had intended, he eventually welcomed Amelia. He kissed her and whispered sweet nothings to her again like a lover. Didn't he make her expect it? Like a normal lover and family. Like he would keep her by his side.
“Then I wouldn’t have been so greedy.”
Amelia buried her face in Ivan's shoulder and sobbed. Ivan seemed to feel his shirt was soaking wet, but this time he didn't pat Amelia's back to comfort her. That would only raise premature expectations.
“I, I didn’t want to become a shadow again...”
Why did you make me wait?
She lived her whole life as a shadow, not as herself. There was nothing new about living that way.
But for the first time, the moment when even the man who seemed like he would let her live as a human and not a shadow revealed his intention to turn her into a shadow. There was nothing that could be done about the despair at that moment.
"So."
Ivan leaned his upper body between the cushions piled up at the head of the bed and placed Amelia on his thigh. Amelia relaxed all her strength and leaned against Ivan, and their upper bodies pressed together.
“Tell me why that is.”
Still wearing a shirt, instead of Ivan's smooth skin, her palms could only feel the texture of the shirt rustling. Strangely, it felt like a distance between her and Ivan. Amelia, who had exposed everything, and the man who had left the last layer of clothing untouched.
“There was a reason why you did this.”
“...I heard a strange sound.”
Amelia whispered back. Instead of asking what she had heard, Ivan wrapped his arms around Amelia’s waist. He leisurely played with the ends of Amelia’s hair, tangled them around his fingers.
“Louis said, you’re looking for a family to which you can submit your proposal.”
Amelia's hand gained strength. The white shirt beneath her hand rustled slightly with a rustling sound. Along with a faint vibration that followed the trembling of her hand.
“So I thought that couldn’t be true, and then suddenly...”
“...”
“I have a feeling that we can’t figure out what our relationship is.”
Amelia muttered. Ivan never once interrupted Amelia as she continued to talk. He didn’t explain the misunderstanding or clarify their relationship.
“We spent the night together, had a child, and are still together today.”
Ivan took his hands out of Amelia's hair, which he had been playing with the whole time. Then Amelia leaned away slightly, placing her hands on Ivan's chest.
“Ivan.”
“...”
“What is our relationship?”
Amelia asked with a trembling voice. It was a question she had swallowed and refrained from asking several times. Ivan did not answer hastily. To be exact, it seemed closer to the point where he could not. It was natural. They were not married to be a couple, and they were more like a flirtatious couple who enjoyed secret meetings than lovers. Everything was uncertain to promise anything for the future.
“What will our relationship be like from now on?”
Amelia asked pleadingly, her voice hoping for the answer she wanted.
“...”
It was a face that clearly knew what answer Amelia wanted, but Ivan's lips were tightly shut. He didn't say anything easily. His face was filled with a sense of being caught. He also seemed somewhat annoyed.
“Ivan.”
Amelia called Ivan's name and urged him to answer. After all, since she had come this far, she couldn't afford to hear a vague and ambiguous answer.
“Do you want to hear something like an oath or promise?”
Then Ivan asked with a low sigh. He was wiping his face with one hand, as if he were tired. It was dry, as if he thought he had been caught being annoying.
"What?"
“Aren’t we okay like this?”
Is this okay? What is it? With no one avoiding their gaze, Amelia couldn't bring herself to ask and just blinked. It felt like the premonition that had been uneasy all along was about to become reality.
“You know you can’t be my wife anyway.”
Ivan spoke slowly. His gaze was still fixed, so it was not hard to guess that he was sincere. Amelia’s hand, which was resting on Ivan’s chest, crumpled his shirt.
“Even if all the truth is revealed, you cannot be my concubine. Even if it was not your intention, you are a traitor who deceived the royal family and served the temple. The best I can do is to keep you alive.”
Ivan, who was lying underneath, could not have been unaware of this fact, but Ivan did not stop talking. Rather, he pierced her heart with a voice that sounded affectionate at first glance, as if telling her to face reality.
“Just because I’m the Emperor doesn’t mean I can do whatever I want. You know that, too.”
Tears fell. The body that had been warmed by his touch soon became cold as if it had been abandoned on the street on a winter night. Her head became stiff as if it had been exposed to the cold wind all day.
"I am..."
Amelia was speechless. Her chest felt tight. It was a horrible feeling of something being pushed into her chest and pressing down on her chest with all its might. She couldn't breathe properly. Amelia started to gasp for air.
“I can’t promise to make you my wife. And of course I can’t say I won’t get married. That’s my duty.”
Ivan patted Amelia on the back as if telling her to breathe, and made a promise. The promise that he would spare her life and leave her as his government was very quick and clear. Unlike the previous time, when he hesitated and didn’t know what to say.
“But if you follow me, I won’t abandon you. I promise. Because I know you’re willing to die for me.”
Ivan raised his upper body slightly and kissed Amelia's temple briefly. Even though he was saying cruel things, his body was acting gently. Like someone who wanted to relieve her pain a little. It was cowardly.
“I’m sorry. If I promise now, it would be a lie.”
He was such a clear-headed person when it came to making promises he could actually keep.
Amelia let out a hollow laugh as she recalled her past self trying to get a promise from him. Ivan never swore anything out loud unless he could keep it. And up until now, Ivan had never promised anything to Amelia.
From the beginning, she guessed that Ivan had never wanted to swear any kind of relationship with her. It was just that the relationship had changed without his consent.
But then, what should I do since I've already been swept away?
Amelia grabbed Ivan's shirt with both hands, barely able to feel his face through her blurry vision.
“I will give you the mansion outside the palace and come and meet you.”
“Secretly? So we only meet at night like this every time?”
Amelia asked sarcastically. But Ivan didn't get angry, perhaps because he felt sorry for her crying. He just patted Amelia's face with his large hand.
It was Ivan. Even though he was the man she loved so much, his touch didn't provide her with any comfort.
To him, she can never be more than a government.
It was clear that he had such intentions. But he also knew that it was the best. But the funniest thing was that Amelia herself was shaken by such contact.
“Amelia.”
She was so sad that she could only cry. She couldn't monopolize the man she had in mind forever, and she didn't have the right to cross the line he drew. Amelia couldn't blame him for that. She just felt like she was going crazy.
“Why did you call me? Why did you call me here?”
“...”
“I’ll just keep you out of my reach forever. I’ll only hear about how you’re doing with Ian.”
Amelia spoke with a resentful tone. Ivan’s face distorted slightly. It seemed that he realized belatedly that his unanswered consideration had only made Amelia even more desperate.
"Then..."
Amelia also had a chance to live without knowing Ivan and Ian. The day she found out that Ivan was alive and that he was the Emperor of Escliffe. That was the day she sent Ian away in Ivan's arms. That could have been the end of all relationships.
Of course, Aaron would have tried to kill Ian somehow, but she would have prayed with the belief that Ivan would protect him. And even if Ian was truly wrong, she could have buried it in her heart, believing that she did her best.
But Ivan found a suitable excuse and called Amelia to the palace. Even if this was not what he had intended, he eventually welcomed Amelia. He kissed her and whispered sweet nothings to her again like a lover. Didn't he make her expect it? Like a normal lover and family. Like he would keep her by his side.
“Then I wouldn’t have been so greedy.”
Amelia buried her face in Ivan's shoulder and sobbed. Ivan seemed to feel his shirt was soaking wet, but this time he didn't pat Amelia's back to comfort her. That would only raise premature expectations.
“I, I didn’t want to become a shadow again...”
Why did you make me wait?
She lived her whole life as a shadow, not as herself. There was nothing new about living that way.
But for the first time, the moment when even the man who seemed like he would let her live as a human and not a shadow revealed his intention to turn her into a shadow. There was nothing that could be done about the despair at that moment.
Support Novellate!
Comments
Post a Comment