"Kaian. Don't go."
I brought out my inner feelings that had been swept away by the cause of protecting Rowen.
"Don't go. I can't send you to a place like that."
I had always tried to think that it was inevitable.
I had felt that everything had gone wrong because of my choice.
I knew that blaming myself for the past was useless, but Kaian had understood me, saying that I couldn't help it at the time.
But I couldn't bear the fact that something that had done nothing for me other than hurting Kaian had led to him being pushed to the brink of death.
'If something were to go wrong, would I be able to live?'
Kaian had said that he didn't believe that I was dead. He said that they wouldn't be able to convince him until he found my cold body and laid me down.
But I didn't know that I would go crazy just from words.
My feelings for Kaian were as extreme now as when I had mistaken it as unrequited love.
That is why I could pretend to die when I thought I could not expect or desire his protection and affection. At that moment, my feelings of hatred and resentment toward him were sincere.
However, now that the misunderstanding was cleared up, everything was painful and regrettable.
One day, I saw Kaian and Valquiterre side by side in the hanging garden.
It was the morning after I first arrived at the palace.
The two of them were laughing and joking lightly.
When Kaian first saw Valquiterre, who had always said he was special to him, my husband introduced me, and even the cool morning air flowing through the beautiful garden was vivid.
Valquiterre, who was like the bright sunlight rising from the clear sky, and Kaian, who had dark and deep colors, looked so much alike that I thought they were indeed of royal blood.
Now Kaian had to point his sword at the one he considered his only family, who was like his brother.
If something happened to Kaian, I would not leave Valquiterre alone.
Like a moth flying in knowing it will burn to death, I am afraid that I will run to the palace with a sword of revenge, knowing that I will not be able to reach it.
I tried not to show him that I would not tell him about this anxiety.
The time we spent taking care of Julien. And the days when Kaian took care of me and helped me recover.
I tried to enjoy the short peace that was given to me belatedly.
The happier I was then, the darker a corner of my heart became, and I ignored it. I babbled nonsense, holding back tears that threatened to spill over. I held onto his clothes and clung to him.
“There must be a way. If you think about it, you don’t have to go yourself...”
“Claudel.”
Kaian grabbed my shoulders. He held my back as I half-rushed over, widening the distance between us and lowering his head to meet his eye level.
“Calm down.”
My emotions swelled like the high waves of the distant sea.
“No. I don’t want to.”
My heart, which surged toward the sky and then sank, and then the next wave arrived, continued to have invisible seizures.
I shook as if I would faint at any moment, grabbed his collar, and then cried and got excited, repeating in a short time.
“This is too scary. What can I do in a castle without you?”
It was Rowen Castle, where I had tried to get close because of Kaian.
“I can’t. How can I do things I’ve never done without you?”
What would be the point of living without him?
No matter how much the ranking in a noble family depends on how much strength and affection a husband gives her, a woman’s life is like that.
If he wasn’t there, even for me, there was little point in holding on to Rowen Castle. Rather than raising Julien surrounded by the Temnes who might rise up as enemies at any moment, I would rather have go somewhere and live happily together.
In fact, I had planned to do that throughout my pregnancy in the royal castle.
Whether it was Irena or Madame Cronach, if they could give me a little help, I would leave and live quietly, hiding the baby who had been erased from the world and not recognized as a Temnes.
However, I lost confidence in calmly waiting while Kaian was rolling around on the battlefield.
“You are my wife, Claudel.”
Kaian said sternly.
There was not a single trace of pity in his red eyes that I was looking at earnestly.
“Behave as befitting the name of the Duchess of Temnes.”
“But...”
“For Julien’s sake.”
“...Sigh.”
I eventually burst into tears.
I know why Kaian doesn’t comfort me.
It’s because he has no choice but to go to the battlefield.
Still, when I saw him scolding me, who was terrified by the heavy responsibility that was unavoidable, and talking about the duties of a hostess, the tears I had held back to avoid seeming emotional poured out.
That’s right. At least he was trying to seem rational and logical right now.
Because Kaian shouldn’t go to the battlefield.
He shouldn’t leave Julien and me like this.
The very small possibility of losing Kaian tormented me so much that it became a huge monster in my heart.
“...Are you disappointed?”
As I spoke softly, sobbing, his eyes which had been watching me the whole time lit up.
Bam.
The body that had been dragged away without warning was held in his arms.
“Ha. Claudel.”
A seething sound came from Kaian’s throat.
“I’m sorry.”
Only then did he realize that his confused and clouded judgment had been wrong.
“I’m sorry for leaving you alone.”
He wasn’t indifferent.
“I’m sorry for scaring you.”
Kaian’s large body and arms embraced my entire body.
Even though we were already close together, he held me in his arms as if he wanted to hide even a single strand of my hair from the world.
“It’s not because of you.”
The voice I heard while holding Kaian tightly felt like what he was saying was the truth.
“Even if it weren’t for you, there would have been a moment when Valquiterre had no choice but to fight me like this.”
He didn’t blame me or feel disappointed.
There was just one fight, each of them had their own battlefield.
That’s why he asked me to wait at Rowen Castle.
“...This is the only place I can return to.”
Please don’t give up on him.
“Protect Rowen Castle.”
So that he can return.
“I will definitely return.”
The silence stretched out, soothing my emotions and holding back my tears.
Sigh.
I slowly left Kaian’s arms and went to the desk to bring a small box.
It was a birthday present for him, who had been rejected by Madame Marcel and Hannah in the past.
I opened the box lid and took out a thin bracelet from inside.
“I originally wanted to give you something nice.”
I took his hand and placed it on my lap, tying the bracelet made of my braided hair into a knot so that it wouldn’t come undone.
“I wanted to find something you could wear, but there wasn’t anything suitable. But this is usually a gift given to a departing lover.”
That was the meaning of the thin bracelet made of cut hair and twisted or braided.
It meant, “Don’t forget me, please come back. ”
“What’s that?”
I handed over the bracelet and tried to close the box lid again to hide it, but Kaian grabbed my hand.
“It’s nothing.”
“How mean. If you’re going to give, you should give everything.”
I finally sighed and took out the rest of the contents.
“How can you pick this up thinking it’s pretty?”
I doubted my own aesthetic sense when I saw it at the lake of my past and thought it was pretty like a jewel.
It was an ugly stone.
"It was such an ugly stone that I could understand why people around me had told me it couldn’t be a gift. “
"Where does this look red?”
At the time, I thought it was a pretty stone with a heart shape and a red glow.
“Show me.”
However, it was my fault for not being able to find anything suitable to give him as a gift when he was going on a campaign.
I sighed softly and took the stone out of the box and offered it to him.
“Quickly.”
I hesitated and showed my palm when Kaian kept nagging me about not showing it with his fist clenched.
Kaian looked at it carefully and said,
“It looks exactly like a human heart.”
“Really?”
“Yes. It’s very interesting.”
I blinked.
“Even the color is a reddish glow. I’ve never seen anything like it before.”
I looked at it with great interest and took the stone from my hand, and my cheeks blushed in joy without me knowing it.
“Does this really look like that?”
“It’s exactly mine.”
He looked at the stone he had picked up with his long fingers as if it were a jewel, rolling it around with satisfaction.
“Because it’s your heart.”
At that moment, I felt a little proud without realizing it.
‘Look at this. I told you that Kaiannwould likes it.’
Madame Marcel and Hannah should have seen this sight. I was heartbroken that I couldn’t show it to them.
Anyway, I had tried to prepare something in a hurry and failed, but I was glad that Kaian said he liked it.
“I wanted to go with you.”
That was why I was able to calm down a little.
“I couldn’t do that, so I wanted to give you something. I didn’t have time and I didn’t have anything suitable.”
“This is enough.”
Kaian stroked the bracelet on his wrist as if he liked it.
After a while, he suddenly said.
“Claudel. It seems like it’s summer all year round in Rowen, but there’s spring here too.”
“Spring?”
Well. Even though it didn’t get below zero or snow, the night air felt chilly during the winter season on the continent.
“Spring is the season when the dormant farming begins. Some flowers only bloom in spring,”
Kaian promised me.
“I’ll show you the spring of Rowen.”
I brought out my inner feelings that had been swept away by the cause of protecting Rowen.
"Don't go. I can't send you to a place like that."
I had always tried to think that it was inevitable.
I had felt that everything had gone wrong because of my choice.
I knew that blaming myself for the past was useless, but Kaian had understood me, saying that I couldn't help it at the time.
But I couldn't bear the fact that something that had done nothing for me other than hurting Kaian had led to him being pushed to the brink of death.
'If something were to go wrong, would I be able to live?'
Kaian had said that he didn't believe that I was dead. He said that they wouldn't be able to convince him until he found my cold body and laid me down.
But I didn't know that I would go crazy just from words.
My feelings for Kaian were as extreme now as when I had mistaken it as unrequited love.
That is why I could pretend to die when I thought I could not expect or desire his protection and affection. At that moment, my feelings of hatred and resentment toward him were sincere.
However, now that the misunderstanding was cleared up, everything was painful and regrettable.
One day, I saw Kaian and Valquiterre side by side in the hanging garden.
It was the morning after I first arrived at the palace.
The two of them were laughing and joking lightly.
When Kaian first saw Valquiterre, who had always said he was special to him, my husband introduced me, and even the cool morning air flowing through the beautiful garden was vivid.
Valquiterre, who was like the bright sunlight rising from the clear sky, and Kaian, who had dark and deep colors, looked so much alike that I thought they were indeed of royal blood.
Now Kaian had to point his sword at the one he considered his only family, who was like his brother.
If something happened to Kaian, I would not leave Valquiterre alone.
Like a moth flying in knowing it will burn to death, I am afraid that I will run to the palace with a sword of revenge, knowing that I will not be able to reach it.
I tried not to show him that I would not tell him about this anxiety.
The time we spent taking care of Julien. And the days when Kaian took care of me and helped me recover.
I tried to enjoy the short peace that was given to me belatedly.
The happier I was then, the darker a corner of my heart became, and I ignored it. I babbled nonsense, holding back tears that threatened to spill over. I held onto his clothes and clung to him.
“There must be a way. If you think about it, you don’t have to go yourself...”
“Claudel.”
Kaian grabbed my shoulders. He held my back as I half-rushed over, widening the distance between us and lowering his head to meet his eye level.
“Calm down.”
My emotions swelled like the high waves of the distant sea.
“No. I don’t want to.”
My heart, which surged toward the sky and then sank, and then the next wave arrived, continued to have invisible seizures.
I shook as if I would faint at any moment, grabbed his collar, and then cried and got excited, repeating in a short time.
“This is too scary. What can I do in a castle without you?”
It was Rowen Castle, where I had tried to get close because of Kaian.
“I can’t. How can I do things I’ve never done without you?”
What would be the point of living without him?
No matter how much the ranking in a noble family depends on how much strength and affection a husband gives her, a woman’s life is like that.
If he wasn’t there, even for me, there was little point in holding on to Rowen Castle. Rather than raising Julien surrounded by the Temnes who might rise up as enemies at any moment, I would rather have go somewhere and live happily together.
In fact, I had planned to do that throughout my pregnancy in the royal castle.
Whether it was Irena or Madame Cronach, if they could give me a little help, I would leave and live quietly, hiding the baby who had been erased from the world and not recognized as a Temnes.
However, I lost confidence in calmly waiting while Kaian was rolling around on the battlefield.
“You are my wife, Claudel.”
Kaian said sternly.
There was not a single trace of pity in his red eyes that I was looking at earnestly.
“Behave as befitting the name of the Duchess of Temnes.”
“But...”
“For Julien’s sake.”
“...Sigh.”
I eventually burst into tears.
I know why Kaian doesn’t comfort me.
It’s because he has no choice but to go to the battlefield.
Still, when I saw him scolding me, who was terrified by the heavy responsibility that was unavoidable, and talking about the duties of a hostess, the tears I had held back to avoid seeming emotional poured out.
That’s right. At least he was trying to seem rational and logical right now.
Because Kaian shouldn’t go to the battlefield.
He shouldn’t leave Julien and me like this.
The very small possibility of losing Kaian tormented me so much that it became a huge monster in my heart.
“...Are you disappointed?”
As I spoke softly, sobbing, his eyes which had been watching me the whole time lit up.
Bam.
The body that had been dragged away without warning was held in his arms.
“Ha. Claudel.”
A seething sound came from Kaian’s throat.
“I’m sorry.”
Only then did he realize that his confused and clouded judgment had been wrong.
“I’m sorry for leaving you alone.”
He wasn’t indifferent.
“I’m sorry for scaring you.”
Kaian’s large body and arms embraced my entire body.
Even though we were already close together, he held me in his arms as if he wanted to hide even a single strand of my hair from the world.
“It’s not because of you.”
The voice I heard while holding Kaian tightly felt like what he was saying was the truth.
“Even if it weren’t for you, there would have been a moment when Valquiterre had no choice but to fight me like this.”
He didn’t blame me or feel disappointed.
There was just one fight, each of them had their own battlefield.
That’s why he asked me to wait at Rowen Castle.
“...This is the only place I can return to.”
Please don’t give up on him.
“Protect Rowen Castle.”
So that he can return.
“I will definitely return.”
The silence stretched out, soothing my emotions and holding back my tears.
Sigh.
I slowly left Kaian’s arms and went to the desk to bring a small box.
It was a birthday present for him, who had been rejected by Madame Marcel and Hannah in the past.
I opened the box lid and took out a thin bracelet from inside.
“I originally wanted to give you something nice.”
I took his hand and placed it on my lap, tying the bracelet made of my braided hair into a knot so that it wouldn’t come undone.
“I wanted to find something you could wear, but there wasn’t anything suitable. But this is usually a gift given to a departing lover.”
That was the meaning of the thin bracelet made of cut hair and twisted or braided.
It meant, “Don’t forget me, please come back. ”
“What’s that?”
I handed over the bracelet and tried to close the box lid again to hide it, but Kaian grabbed my hand.
“It’s nothing.”
“How mean. If you’re going to give, you should give everything.”
I finally sighed and took out the rest of the contents.
“How can you pick this up thinking it’s pretty?”
I doubted my own aesthetic sense when I saw it at the lake of my past and thought it was pretty like a jewel.
It was an ugly stone.
"It was such an ugly stone that I could understand why people around me had told me it couldn’t be a gift. “
"Where does this look red?”
At the time, I thought it was a pretty stone with a heart shape and a red glow.
“Show me.”
However, it was my fault for not being able to find anything suitable to give him as a gift when he was going on a campaign.
I sighed softly and took the stone out of the box and offered it to him.
“Quickly.”
I hesitated and showed my palm when Kaian kept nagging me about not showing it with his fist clenched.
Kaian looked at it carefully and said,
“It looks exactly like a human heart.”
“Really?”
“Yes. It’s very interesting.”
I blinked.
“Even the color is a reddish glow. I’ve never seen anything like it before.”
I looked at it with great interest and took the stone from my hand, and my cheeks blushed in joy without me knowing it.
“Does this really look like that?”
“It’s exactly mine.”
He looked at the stone he had picked up with his long fingers as if it were a jewel, rolling it around with satisfaction.
“Because it’s your heart.”
At that moment, I felt a little proud without realizing it.
‘Look at this. I told you that Kaiannwould likes it.’
Madame Marcel and Hannah should have seen this sight. I was heartbroken that I couldn’t show it to them.
Anyway, I had tried to prepare something in a hurry and failed, but I was glad that Kaian said he liked it.
“I wanted to go with you.”
That was why I was able to calm down a little.
“I couldn’t do that, so I wanted to give you something. I didn’t have time and I didn’t have anything suitable.”
“This is enough.”
Kaian stroked the bracelet on his wrist as if he liked it.
After a while, he suddenly said.
“Claudel. It seems like it’s summer all year round in Rowen, but there’s spring here too.”
“Spring?”
Well. Even though it didn’t get below zero or snow, the night air felt chilly during the winter season on the continent.
“Spring is the season when the dormant farming begins. Some flowers only bloom in spring,”
Kaian promised me.
“I’ll show you the spring of Rowen.”
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