How should I make him understand?
The secret she kept was her own. She couldn't talk to anyone or expect anyone to understand.
Franz, who had been silent for a long time as if he was thinking about what to say, opened his mouth in a quiet voice.
"Sometimes..."
“...”
“I think you want to lock me in a wall. Of course, it’s for my protection, but inside I can see outside. I can see you standing alone to guard the wall. Have you ever thought how I would feel then? When you would cross the dangerous bridge for me without hesitation when you would climb up the tower that seemed ready to collapse, did you really think that I would be safe while watching?”
Judith couldn't answer and looked at Franz. Between their fleeting glances, pieces of the deep night seemed to settle down without a sound.
“I told you this before. I will do anything for you and I am not afraid of anything. Because to me, only you are more important than me, more than anyone else. There is nothing I want other than for you to survive safely and stand in the highest position in this country.”
“You are more important to me than anything else. I will try to grant your wishes. I, too, will not wait for death helplessly like in the past. But it cannot be based on your sacrifice. If there is one thing I must never lose, it is you, Judith.”
It was a voice that seemed to be suppressing emotions but was clear. Judith lost her answer for a moment, took a deep breath, and lowered her head. She became anxious because she didn't know how to resolve this story when no agreement could be found. Franz continued.
“I want to ask you, do you love me as your husband? Do you not see me as a young animal that you have to protect, that can do nothing without you?”
Judith opened her lips feebly. Her eyes looking at him trembled slowly. Her thin nape shook every time she swallowed dry saliva, and her hands on her knees bent as if they were grabbing something invisible.
"Why... Is that what you are saying? Do you think I can say that if I don't love you, I can throw everything away for you? If I don't love you, if I just think you should take the throne, then I...”
“If you love me, why don’t you go with me on this dangerous path? If you really trust me and rely on me, why don’t you even hold my hand and walk with me? You leave me in a safe place, tie me up, and while you alone remove the thorns and stones from my path, I will be left behind and miserable. I feel useless.”
“...”
“It’s okay if you don’t love me. If you don’t think I’m a husband worth loving, I can’t help it. But if you love me, if you have love in your heart for me as you told me, believe me. So that I don’t have to lie to you so that you won’t regret it later.”
Who on earth is this person speaking?
Franz, who had been silent for a long time as if he was thinking about what to say, opened his mouth in a quiet voice.
"Sometimes..."
“...”
“I think you want to lock me in a wall. Of course, it’s for my protection, but inside I can see outside. I can see you standing alone to guard the wall. Have you ever thought how I would feel then? When you would cross the dangerous bridge for me without hesitation when you would climb up the tower that seemed ready to collapse, did you really think that I would be safe while watching?”
Judith couldn't answer and looked at Franz. Between their fleeting glances, pieces of the deep night seemed to settle down without a sound.
“I told you this before. I will do anything for you and I am not afraid of anything. Because to me, only you are more important than me, more than anyone else. There is nothing I want other than for you to survive safely and stand in the highest position in this country.”
“You are more important to me than anything else. I will try to grant your wishes. I, too, will not wait for death helplessly like in the past. But it cannot be based on your sacrifice. If there is one thing I must never lose, it is you, Judith.”
It was a voice that seemed to be suppressing emotions but was clear. Judith lost her answer for a moment, took a deep breath, and lowered her head. She became anxious because she didn't know how to resolve this story when no agreement could be found. Franz continued.
“I want to ask you, do you love me as your husband? Do you not see me as a young animal that you have to protect, that can do nothing without you?”
Judith opened her lips feebly. Her eyes looking at him trembled slowly. Her thin nape shook every time she swallowed dry saliva, and her hands on her knees bent as if they were grabbing something invisible.
"Why... Is that what you are saying? Do you think I can say that if I don't love you, I can throw everything away for you? If I don't love you, if I just think you should take the throne, then I...”
“If you love me, why don’t you go with me on this dangerous path? If you really trust me and rely on me, why don’t you even hold my hand and walk with me? You leave me in a safe place, tie me up, and while you alone remove the thorns and stones from my path, I will be left behind and miserable. I feel useless.”
“...”
“It’s okay if you don’t love me. If you don’t think I’m a husband worth loving, I can’t help it. But if you love me, if you have love in your heart for me as you told me, believe me. So that I don’t have to lie to you so that you won’t regret it later.”
Who on earth is this person speaking?
Judith felt as if her mind had gone blank, and just stared at him silently. Then she lowered her chin slightly and moved her lips. Thin tremors, inarticulate sighs, and stories and breaths too long to be told in this short night alternated between her lips. They scattered everywhere like fine ashes left after a fire.
In the silence, two pairs of eyes of different colors looked at each other. Judith suddenly felt as if she was finally realizing the temperature difference between him and herself.
Gaps that cannot be filled no matter what, corners that cannot be made similar no matter what, and colors that cannot be mixed. Just as your eyes do not change to a similar color even if you make eye contact a hundred and a thousand times, just as you cannot breathe on his behalf even if you lock lips for what seems like forever, there is an untouchable gap between the two. This existed. It was very narrow, but the bottom was so deep that you couldn't see the bottom.
Did Franz know that something like this was here?
It was a thought that suddenly appeared in Judith's mind. Until now, she had not known that such a gap existed between Franz and her. Since she didn't know, she could say it wasn't such a serious problem, but since she already found out, she couldn't go back to how it was before. So what about Franz, did he know this?
“Judith.”
For a moment Judith looked up in surprise. Her heart sank as if she had been suddenly caught looking down a cliff.
“Come here.”
Judith blinked as if she didn't understand what he was saying, then pulled herself closer and sat closer to him.
"Come closer."
Their bodies were so close that they couldn't do anything anymore. Judith looked up to ask what he was telling her to do. Then Franz's arms wrapped around Judith's waist and back. Then he lifted her body up so that she was sitting on his thighs. His tight pull made her naturally lean against Franz's shoulder and arms.
Judith said quietly, her eyes slightly furrowed.
“You and I are different. Even if we are together, even if we are a couple, even if we spend day and night, spring and winter together, we can never be the same. We will always remain different.”
“So you hate me now?”
Franz's arms tightened around Judith's waist. She felt his forehead resting on her shoulder as he lowered himself. It was warm and ticklish because of his flowing bangs.
“You and I are bound to be different. Because we are different people. But I love you because you are different from me. You are precious and I am afraid of losing you. We are different, but we can go together. Wherever that is.”
Franz's voice was quiet as if he was reading a book to a child going to bed. Judith's eyes, who had been listening to him with an expressionless expression, changed slightly. Neither Franz himself nor Judith, who was listening to him, knew it, but these were secret words that Franz should have told her a long time ago. It was the key that could have saved the two people.
Although there was no need to run away or hide anymore, the power of the secret still took effect.
“When it comes to the second Princess, I also have an idea. Please wait until then. If you believe in me if you don’t hate me, if you love me. Just like I did.”
“...Then tell me, what do you plan on doing?”
Franz slowly moved his eyes with a worried expression. Then he put his lips close to Judith's ear. The breathy whisper continued for a moment, then Judith's eyes widened.
“Are you serious?”
“Then I must be lying?”
“No, but...”
“If the second Princess had wanted to harm me, she wouldn’t have resorted to such methods.”
Judith held her head and looked up at the ceiling for a moment. No matter how much she thought about it, it was an un-Franz-like method. But the reason he made this choice was because of her.
Judith, like Franz, loved him too, and he was important to her. She didn't want to lose him. She couldn't let him get broken and hurt. She loved him. So much so that she felt resentful that he didn't send her letters during the time they were apart.
At that moment, Judith felt the question she had been holding in her mind tickle the back of her lips. Like biting a dandelion seed, the sensation, which had been faint at first, became clearer and clearer until she could no longer bear it.
“Why didn’t you write to me?”
Franz looked puzzled by the question that was suddenly thrown his way. Franz, who was at a loss for a moment, slightly furrowed his brow as if wondering.
“While studying abroad... why didn’t I send you a letter?”
"That's right. If His Majesty had not told me the news about you, I would not have known how you were doing until the day you returned. Are you healthy, how is life in the empire, is there anything... I wonder if there are any.”
Judith covered her face with both hands and lowered her head. Tears flowed between her fingers covering her eyes. The corners of her mouth were twisted as if she was sad.
This was completely unexpected for Franz. He hugged Judith with a bewildered expression but began to panic as her sobs grew louder. Franz grabbed Judith's hand that was covering her face and almost forced it away. Although she was a mess from tears, her exposed eyes looked oddly calm.
"That... There was a reason for that.”
“For what reason?”
It was as if she would not forgive him if the answer was insignificant. Franz, who was nervous and moistened the inside of his suddenly dry mouth with his tongue, spoke slowly.
“I tried to write a letter. How many times... Every time I wrote to Father, no, more often than that, I wanted to write to you. But I couldn’t.”
This time Franz buried his face in his palms. But he wasn't crying. He just let out a strange groan, like someone who has bitten something hard. Judith still had a frown on her face. But she seemed willing to wait for him to speak.
“Every time I try to write a letter, or even when I don’t feel like it... I remembered you. There were many days when I couldn't stop thinking about you. I’m curious, I want to see you, I want to talk with you... Then I felt like I couldn't resist the desire to go back. I didn’t think I could be satisfied with just a letter.”
In the silence, two pairs of eyes of different colors looked at each other. Judith suddenly felt as if she was finally realizing the temperature difference between him and herself.
Gaps that cannot be filled no matter what, corners that cannot be made similar no matter what, and colors that cannot be mixed. Just as your eyes do not change to a similar color even if you make eye contact a hundred and a thousand times, just as you cannot breathe on his behalf even if you lock lips for what seems like forever, there is an untouchable gap between the two. This existed. It was very narrow, but the bottom was so deep that you couldn't see the bottom.
Did Franz know that something like this was here?
It was a thought that suddenly appeared in Judith's mind. Until now, she had not known that such a gap existed between Franz and her. Since she didn't know, she could say it wasn't such a serious problem, but since she already found out, she couldn't go back to how it was before. So what about Franz, did he know this?
“Judith.”
For a moment Judith looked up in surprise. Her heart sank as if she had been suddenly caught looking down a cliff.
“Come here.”
Judith blinked as if she didn't understand what he was saying, then pulled herself closer and sat closer to him.
"Come closer."
Their bodies were so close that they couldn't do anything anymore. Judith looked up to ask what he was telling her to do. Then Franz's arms wrapped around Judith's waist and back. Then he lifted her body up so that she was sitting on his thighs. His tight pull made her naturally lean against Franz's shoulder and arms.
Judith said quietly, her eyes slightly furrowed.
“You and I are different. Even if we are together, even if we are a couple, even if we spend day and night, spring and winter together, we can never be the same. We will always remain different.”
“So you hate me now?”
Franz's arms tightened around Judith's waist. She felt his forehead resting on her shoulder as he lowered himself. It was warm and ticklish because of his flowing bangs.
“You and I are bound to be different. Because we are different people. But I love you because you are different from me. You are precious and I am afraid of losing you. We are different, but we can go together. Wherever that is.”
Franz's voice was quiet as if he was reading a book to a child going to bed. Judith's eyes, who had been listening to him with an expressionless expression, changed slightly. Neither Franz himself nor Judith, who was listening to him, knew it, but these were secret words that Franz should have told her a long time ago. It was the key that could have saved the two people.
Although there was no need to run away or hide anymore, the power of the secret still took effect.
“When it comes to the second Princess, I also have an idea. Please wait until then. If you believe in me if you don’t hate me, if you love me. Just like I did.”
“...Then tell me, what do you plan on doing?”
Franz slowly moved his eyes with a worried expression. Then he put his lips close to Judith's ear. The breathy whisper continued for a moment, then Judith's eyes widened.
“Are you serious?”
“Then I must be lying?”
“No, but...”
“If the second Princess had wanted to harm me, she wouldn’t have resorted to such methods.”
Judith held her head and looked up at the ceiling for a moment. No matter how much she thought about it, it was an un-Franz-like method. But the reason he made this choice was because of her.
Judith, like Franz, loved him too, and he was important to her. She didn't want to lose him. She couldn't let him get broken and hurt. She loved him. So much so that she felt resentful that he didn't send her letters during the time they were apart.
At that moment, Judith felt the question she had been holding in her mind tickle the back of her lips. Like biting a dandelion seed, the sensation, which had been faint at first, became clearer and clearer until she could no longer bear it.
“Why didn’t you write to me?”
Franz looked puzzled by the question that was suddenly thrown his way. Franz, who was at a loss for a moment, slightly furrowed his brow as if wondering.
“While studying abroad... why didn’t I send you a letter?”
"That's right. If His Majesty had not told me the news about you, I would not have known how you were doing until the day you returned. Are you healthy, how is life in the empire, is there anything... I wonder if there are any.”
Judith covered her face with both hands and lowered her head. Tears flowed between her fingers covering her eyes. The corners of her mouth were twisted as if she was sad.
This was completely unexpected for Franz. He hugged Judith with a bewildered expression but began to panic as her sobs grew louder. Franz grabbed Judith's hand that was covering her face and almost forced it away. Although she was a mess from tears, her exposed eyes looked oddly calm.
"That... There was a reason for that.”
“For what reason?”
It was as if she would not forgive him if the answer was insignificant. Franz, who was nervous and moistened the inside of his suddenly dry mouth with his tongue, spoke slowly.
“I tried to write a letter. How many times... Every time I wrote to Father, no, more often than that, I wanted to write to you. But I couldn’t.”
This time Franz buried his face in his palms. But he wasn't crying. He just let out a strange groan, like someone who has bitten something hard. Judith still had a frown on her face. But she seemed willing to wait for him to speak.
“Every time I try to write a letter, or even when I don’t feel like it... I remembered you. There were many days when I couldn't stop thinking about you. I’m curious, I want to see you, I want to talk with you... Then I felt like I couldn't resist the desire to go back. I didn’t think I could be satisfied with just a letter.”
Judith's eyes blinked slowly. Every time she did that, the tears that were still pooling in the corners of her eyes would fall down her cheeks. Franz was playing with his exposed ears out of embarrassment, and as if that wasn't enough, he messed up his hair. Then he suddenly raised his head and hugged Judith by the waist.
“You may think that this is an excuse, but it was a serious concern for me. That’s why I did it... I didn’t think you would take that to heart...”
Judith's brow furrowed deeper as she listened to the muddled words.
“Of course I will, what are you talking about? What do you think I was like while you were missing me so much? Do it again. Then I will call you a stiff piece of wood!”
At the same time as the hand slapped his shoulder, a yell-like sound finally came out of Judith's mouth.
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