All I wanted was for him and my child to survive safely. So when he asked me to stay at the Grand Ducal estate and deliver important information, I could not bring myself to refuse. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but the lives of those two were more precious to me. I was willing to bear any guilt if it meant I could protect them.
I looked after you as well, in order to gain the young Grand Duchess's trust and find out more information. I thought that if I became a close aide to the Grand Duchess, your wariness toward me would naturally ease.
And that didn't seem that difficult to me. This is because I could tell how starved for affection you were from the moment we first met.
Although you always put up your defenses, in reality, you craved affection more than anyone else. I decided to take advantage of that. I intended to break down your barriers and win your favor by mimicking the mother role you so desperately desired. And, as expected, you began to trust and rely on me.
Thalia twisted the corner of the parchment in her hand. Tears poured down onto the letters. The sentences, blurred by water, seemed like rusty blades tearing at her flesh. With a feeling of self-harm, she forced herself to read through the densely written words.
You can easily guess what I have done since then.
I started using you as a smokescreen around the time news of the Grand Duke Force's return began to circulate.
I calculated that if suspicions arose that the Grand Duchess was involved with pagans, the Grand Duke would not be able to rashly identify the informant. Even if an investigation were to proceed, if all the suspicions were to fall on you, the Grand Duke would certainly try to cover up the incident.
I knew that you would get into trouble because of it, but I rationalized it to myself that it would be okay since at least you wouldn't lose your life.
However, my shallow calculations did not last long. The followers of the Pagan who had been hiding in the village were arrested one after another, and the Grand Duke's family began preparing for a large-scale purge.
And to rescue the brothers in danger, he devised a very scary plan.
It was a plan that could have taken not only your life but also mine.
However, I had no other choice. It was because my daughter's life was also in that person's hands.
In the end, I decided to join his plan.
This is the full story of what happened to you.
Thalia, having read down to that point, bit her trembling lips tightly. Beneath it, thick black ink had been applied. Passing a stain that covered nearly half a page as if hastily erased, a complete sentence continued.
Now, the people I tried to protect are no longer in this world.
Perhaps God punished me.
I do not believe that I can atone for the evil deeds I committed with this confession.
However, I did not want to keep you trusting me without knowing anything. Because I am not worthy of that.
I hope you do not blame yourself for being deceived by me. All the fault lies with me, as I thoroughly exploited and deceived you. So please, do not torment yourself.
That is the only wish left to me.
After that sentence, a long blank space followed.
Thalia, who had been staring motionless at the crumpled letter for a long time, soon picked up a lamp and approached the fireplace. She placed the letter on the stone-hard ashes, poured the remaining oil from the lamp over it, and lit it. Soon, a scarlet flame flickered and climbed up the corner of the parchment.
Thalia staggered to her feet as she looked down with empty eyes at the letters writhing and slowly shrinking in the flames. The tears that had been pouring down uncontrollably had already dried up cold.
She waited until the letter had completely turned to ashes, and once the last ember had died down, she crouched down again in front of the secret compartment on the floor. Then, she carefully took out the bundles of medicine wrapped in leather, tucked them into the pockets inside her robes, and left the hut.
Before she knew it, pitch-black darkness had settled over the forest. However, she could no longer feel the suffocating terror. It was as if all her senses had died.
Thalia staggered across the dark forest path, passed through the empty backyard, and entered the entrance located at the back of the main castle.
The castle was deathly silent, as if all the servants had finished their work and returned to their quarters. She climbed the stairs, relying on the bluish moonlight filtering through the window. Soon, a hallway sparsely lit with torches unfolded before her eyes. Just as she passed through and was about to step into the bedroom, someone grabbed her shoulder.
"Where are you coming from?"
Thalia turned her head and faced a guard with a stern expression, frowning as if she were annoyed.
"I just went out to the backyard for a breath of fresh air."
"Have you forgotten that you are currently under house arrest? You must be well aware that you are not allowed to leave your quarters without permission."
The man snapped back in a tone that sounded like he was suppressing his anger. Thalia shook off his hand and replied dryly.
"If you're not going to let me take even a single step out of the room, why don't you just bolt the door?"
The man's face contorted menacingly at the sarcastic remark. Regardless, Thalia entered the bedroom with an indifferent attitude, slammed the door shut behind her, and removed her robe. Just then, a bundle she had kept in her pocket rolled onto the floor. After staring down at it for a moment with hazy eyes, Thalia opened the drawer, neatly tucked the bundle of medicine inside, and lay down on the bed.
And so the night passed and morning dawned again.
Whether the events of the previous night had not been reported, or whether they knew about it but turned a blind eye, no particular commotion occurred. The maids brought the meal at the appointed time as usual, and Thalia, too, rose from bed as if nothing had happened and finished her simple meal. Afterward, she washed herself thoroughly in the bathwater the maids had prepared. Perhaps finding her unusual appearance somewhat strange, she faintly caught the two maids exchanging glances at the edge of her vision. Ignoring this, she took out rose oil, carefully applied it from head to toe, and then took out a new outfit to put on.
Finally, as the dressing was finished, Thalia gave a light nod to the maids.
“Just leave now.”
Then, the two maids who had been draining the water from the bathtub through the wall drain hurriedly finished cleaning up and walked toward the door. Thalia added in an indifferent tone behind their backs.
"And I don't need lunch, so don't come in until I call you."
The maids, who were just about to open the door and leave, paused and looked at her. Thalia picked up a book from the desk with an indifferent expression and added.
"I plan to rest quietly today. I don't want to be disturbed, so I'm telling you not to come and go unnecessarily."
"But..."
"Why? Did you get an order not to take your eyes off the Grand Duchess?"
The two maids hunched their shoulders at the words spat out in a mocking tone. Thalia added harshly.
"I'm sick of watching you loiter around all day like you're guarding a prisoner. Just let me catch my breath for today."
The two maids, frozen in fear at the sharp command to leave, soon retreated as if running away. Thalia, who had been listening intently to the receding footsteps, soon walked over to the bedside and opened the dresser. She saw the bundles she had brought from Tiuran's cottage last night. She took them all out and spread them out one by one. Since Tiuran had marked the highly toxic medicines separately, it did not take long to find what she needed.
She put a handful of dried sleeping herbs into the incense burner placed at the head of the bed, then tilted the candlelight to light it.
A moment later, a pungent scent of herbs began to fill the bedroom. Sitting on the edge of the bed, she inhaled it, then picked up one of the medicine bottles neatly arranged on the shelf and gulped it down in one go. She could feel a burning heat sweeping down her throat.
Swallowing the lump that threatened to rise up, she picked up the next glass bottle. Her hand trembled faintly as she opened the cap. What on earth am I afraid of? Will what happens next be more painful than living?
She looked down at the medicine bottle with empty eyes.
My mother didn't love me.
Even the nanny didn't truly care for me.
Marisen harmed my child to protect her own.
Tiuran only deceived and used me from beginning to end.
Barcas, too... did not love me. The affection he had once shown was nothing more than guilt.
With a composed expression, she poured the liquid from the bottle into her mouth. The burning, bitter taste on her tongue naturally brought tears to her eyes. She wiped them away indifferently and picked up a new bottle, but her vision began to swirl dizzyingly. Blinking blankly, Thalia swallowed the remaining medicine and lay down on the bed.
Will this make things easier?
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