He stared at her retreating figure with a bewildered look, then hurriedly followed her by the side.
Not a single lamp was lit in the hallway. Only the faint moonlight pouring in through the window dimly illuminated her profile.
As he carefully matched his pace while keeping his gaze fixed on that dim outline, Thalia, who had been walking slowly, turned toward the stairs.
He hurriedly blocked her path. His heart sank, fearing that she might misstep and fall.
However, she continued to walk forward as if she hadn't noticed his presence. In fact, he was about to trip over himself, so he had no choice but to quickly back away.
He started walking a few steps ahead, intending to catch her with his body if she fell. Fortunately, she calmly went down the stairs, holding onto the railing with one hand.
Just as he was beginning to wonder how she, who was extremely afraid of the dark, could walk so calmly, a torch hanging near the entrance of the hall clearly illuminated her unfocused eyes. Only then did he realize that she was not in a clear state of mind.
Thalia approached the back entrance with a dazed expression, like someone intoxicated, and slowly reached for the doorknob. Along with the creaking of the hinges, the ice-cold night air rushed in.
He bit down hard on the hem of her skirt with his teeth and growled low. However, it was no use waking her from her conscious mind. Seeing her walk forward, looking only ahead and oblivious to the skirt becoming taut as if it were about to tear, he eventually had no choice but to let go of her clothes.
'Where are they going?'
He watched her with anxious eyes, then looked around the garden where darkness had settled thickly.
It was well past midnight, so not a single guard on patrol could be found. He could see lights flickering in the distance atop the castle walls, but they probably wouldn't notice their presence over there. However, if push comes to shove, he could make a loud noise to attract the soldiers' attention.
He was keeping track of the guards' positions, intending to call for help if she were to collapse, when Thalia, limping across the frozen garden, approached the chapel inside the castle.
In an instant, a suffocating pain swept through his entire body.
He watched as she walked toward the back of the chapel building, his body stiff and rigid.
Thalia entered the backyard following the path created next to the building and eventually stopped in front of a small tombstone at the end of the open space. Her unfocused eyes settled upon the grave.
Eventually, Thalia crouched on the frozen ground and slowly stroked the tombstone. He, who had been watching her in excruciating pain, soon approached her side.
His image finally appeared in her hazy eyes, which had been wandering as if in a dream. Thalia, gazing blankly at him with eyes that had not yet dried, bit her dry lips.
"Maybe it was better for this child not to have grown up under a mother like me. I must have made my child unhappy."
He let out a low sob.
He wanted to tell her that it wasn't true. But all he could do was growl ridiculously.
She muttered as if venting.
"I was born crooked and twisted in some way. That must be why neither the person who gave birth to me nor the person who raised me can love me. Surely, my child will come to hate me someday, too."
That's not true, Thalia.
Don't say that.
He pressed his body against her side and rubbed his face against her neck, which was as cold as ice.
It felt like his heart was being torn apart. He cursed this body that could not even hold her tightly in his arms and comfort her.
"It would have been much better for Barcas to marry Aylia, too. She wouldn't have taken her anger out on him or tormented him, and she would have borne him a healthy and beautiful baby. It would have been a hundred times better than keeping a woman like me, who is of no help, by his side."
The words that flowed out like a whisper seemed to become blades slashing his entire body.
He wanted to tell her.
Before I met you, I was nothing but a living corpse. If it weren't for you, I would never have felt anything in my life. I don't want anyone but you.
He let out a low sob and repeatedly rubbed his face against her cheek. Thalia's hand, which had been hanging limply as if she were lost in thought, slowly moved up to the nape of his neck.
Soon after, a pleading voice echoed in his ears.
"Still, still, please... at least you stay by my side, Khan."
The tears that flowed down her cheeks wet his face.
"Even if I am not kind, even if I am completely useless... even if I am a rough, weak, and pathetic being."
Thalia, holding him tightly in her arms, whispered while gasping for breath with trembling.
"You must not hate me, you know?"
He squeezed his eyes shut.
He had never wanted human fingers as much as he did at that moment. He wanted to cup her frozen cheeks with both hands and wipe away her flowing tears.
He wanted to have a human voice. He wanted to tell her how dazzlingly she shine in this faded world.
She were the only one who made his empty life meaningful. He realized that fact too late.
He lifted his head and looked at her face.
She seemed to have now returned to a completely clear mind. Thalia, who had been quietly looking down at the tombstone with deep blue eyes that shone vividly even in the darkness, soon staggered and straightened up.
“Let’s just go in.”
Then, she slowly turned around and began to walk back the way she had come. He chased after her straight away. The night wind swept through the dry bushes and branches, creating a desolate and lonely melody.
Suddenly, as if drawn by something, she gazed over her shoulder at the graveyard and stepped back into the darkness.
***
Barcas Raedgo Sheerkhan returned to Kalmor only when the season of rest was drawing to a close.
The man stayed at the castle for about fifteen days to catch up on official duties, and then left for the disputed area around the time the water season began.
Thalia, who had been sitting on the windowsill watching him leave blankly, soon put on her coat and stepped out of the castle. Since she had often taken him out, no soldiers stopped her.
Thalia, accompanied by her guards, exited the castle gate and went straight up the hill leading to the Armund Forest.
On the slope where the snow had melted away, fresh green sprouts were peeking out here and there. Over them, a cold wind infused with the scent of hemp and birch blew occasionally. Thalia, who had been watching the procession of cavalry receding into the distance from the top of the hill, turned her gaze toward him only after their figures had completely vanished into the forest path.
"Shall we walk in the fields together today?"
Thalia gently stroked his head and stepped onto the meadow where new shoots had sprouted.
Her hair fluttered like golden waves in the blowing breeze. As he gazed up at the sight in rapture and moved his feet slowly, he spotted a wildflower blooming in the field, ran over in one swift motion, and carefully plucked the stem.
As he returned to her holding an armful of flowers, a faint smile bloomed on her listless face.
“Are you giving it to me?”
Thalia knelt down and accepted the bouquet he had brought.
"Thank you."
Thalia, who had been playfully fiddling with his ear, started walking along the gentle slope again.
She brought him back to the castle only when it was time to set.
Then, as usual, she washed up and finished dinner, opened her diary, and started writing something down.
He watched her wielding the pen from the side, then turned his gaze to the wildflowers in the glass bottle.
During that time, he had picked flowers for her many times. However, nothing could fit inside her jewelry box. It seemed that the only thing that could be kept in it was what Barcas Raedgo Sheerkhan had given her.
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