(156) In the meantime (2)
A softer-than-usual voice pierced her heart. Ariana clenched her fists and tried to speak calmly.
"There's no need to do anything, Northern Lord. We'll never be like that."
“Because I’m stupid?”
“I’m an idiot too.”
“If we’re both fools, isn’t it a match made in heaven?”
"No. When two fools meet, they'll only hurt each other. They can't envision a beautiful future."
Let's go back now. There's no need for this pointless conversation anymore.
Even though she thought that, she couldn't take her feet off the ground.
“I’m being drawn. Your future and mine. It’s so beautiful.”
"Then it would be a nightmare. The future of the Northern Lord and me? Isn't that terrifying?"
“I’m sorry, Ariana.”
“What?”
“Because I don’t trust you.”
"We weren't in a relationship where we could trust each other to begin with. There's nothing to apologize for or forgive, Northern Lord. And please stop calling me by my name. It's not like we should be calling each other by our first names..."
Bam-!
Before Ariana could finish speaking, a black figure landed in front of her. Ariana took a deep breath and glared at Cyrus.
His hair shone brightly in the particularly bright moon.
That's why she hated it. Whenever she saw this guy, her eyes were always dazzled.
“I want to have that kind of relationship.”
Cyrus strode closer.
“I want to call your name, Ariana.”
"No, Northern Lord. Even if you don't do this, if there's anything you want, I'll grant it. I owe you a favor, so I won't refuse you if you ask."
For a moment, a pain flashed across his eyes.
“I was foolish.”
“Never. The Northern Lord is always clever.”
“I was foolish. I didn’t know better...”
“Then just stay ignorant. Don’t come near me.”
Ariana said, taking a step back.
"Just stay there, Northern Lord. Look down on everyone from that lofty perch, constantly suspecting and exploiting them. Please."
“Ariana...”
"If you need anything, I'll be of service to you. If you need help, I'll help you. So don't try to manipulate me at your whim by lying and exploiting my weaknesses."
Cyrus's fingertips grew cold at the firm push. Ariana was within arm's reach, yet she felt so far away.
As she clung tightly to her shell, he recalled each and every thing he had done. The harsh words and cold actions he had spoken to her came back vividly.
"Ariana."
“The Northern Lord still doesn’t know who I am. Aren’t you still harboring the doubts you had back then? Do you think that if you pretend to have feelings for me, I’ll foolishly let my guard down and tell you the truth? Is that why you’re acting this way?”
"It's not like that."
Now, it didn't matter what she was.
“No way. What would you do if I were Paganus?”
“Still. I like you.”
Ariana smiled. It was a smile as clear and cold as the water of Ruam Pond.
"Lie."
“Do I have to take out my heart and show it to you for you to believe me?”
“Even if I were to see the heart of the Northern Lord, I would know nothing. And I do not want to know. Go. I will go too.”
He grabbed Ariana's wrist as she turned to leave. Ariana stared down at her wrist.
“I wanted to protect the West. So I couldn’t think of anything else. But now, I think only of you. Before I even realized it, I’m thinking only of you. When I come to my senses, I think of you, and even when I’m out of my mind, I think of you.”
“...”
"It’s been like this for a long time. I did it without even knowing what it was. That’s why I was scared. Afraid that I would get consumed by that emotion and forget everything. Afraid that I would end up thinking only of you."
"Aren't you scared anymore?"
"It’s scarier not being able to think of you."
“Then keep living in fear like that, Northern Lord.”
"Ariana."
"Everyone."
Ariana squeezed her eyes shut.
“Everyone tries to use me. They say I’m unnecessary and useless, yet they try to use me for their own purposes. And so, I gladly let myself be used. Because I want to be needed, even if only for that moment. Because I want to be useful to someone.”
Cyrus couldn't tell what Ariana was saying.
Cyrus was the only one who tried to use Ariana. But Ariana says 'everyone.'
Who tried to use her again? And why does she look so distressed?
Deep pain was contained in the tightly suppressed voice.
“The words ‘I’m glad you’re here’ are so incredibly sweet. Just to hear that one word, I could have done anything—stupidly, foolishly. I lived like a fool. So now.”
Ariana opened her eyes and looked up at Cyrus.
Her blue eyes swelled up.
There was a time when he wondered what it would be like if she cried. There was a time when he wanted to see it.
He wanted to curse his past self.
He doesn't want to see it. The sight of Ariana crying.
“I don’t want to do that anymore, Lord of the North. Watching your every move out of fear that love might leave, or pacing anxiously, wondering if you might doubt me—I don’t want to do that. You must feel the same way. Someday, you will come to doubt me again.”
"There's no such thing."
"No."
Ariana pulled her wrist free from Cyrus's grasp. He could have prevented her from escaping if he had used more force, but he couldn't.
"You already did that once, Lord of the North."
The smile that bloomed as if drawn pierced Cyrus's heart.
Cyrus stared at Ariana, unable to breathe or even blink. Her hand touching his cheek was warm, soft, and painful.
She said, stroking Cyrus's cheek so sweetly.
"So, Lord of the North, let us not envision our future. Whatever we draw will be in vain."
Tears streamed down Ariana's cheeks as she walked slowly.
The words said to Cyrus came back exactly as they were and pierced Ariana's heart.
"I wanted to protect the North."
She understood his situation. She also knows how he has lived his life.
Cyrus lived just as fiercely as Ariana did. That must be why he had to constantly doubt her.
So, we can't do it.
Because both you and I were fierce, and because neither you nor I could escape from fear, we only end up hurting each other.
Someday, you or I will come to suspect and be wary of each other. We will start to ponder what ulterior motives we have. Just like now, when I can't help but suspect you are trying to use me, even while accepting a confession.
No matter how hard she tried, Ariana could not envision a beautiful future. She did not want to walk through a long darkness, intoxicated by a fleeting sweetness. One such life was enough. She did not want to throw herself like a moth drawn to the fire and be burned black by the momentary heat.
"I can picture it."
Lost in her own thoughts, she forgot that Shini was walking beside her. Startled by a sudden voice, Ariana turned around to find Shini gazing at the sky with dreamy eyes.
The golden eyes were stained with moonlight.
“The future of the Northern Lord and my master. It’s truly beautiful. Like fine weather.”
"Shini."
“My master is wearing a red dress. Many people are bowing their heads to my master. My master is...”
"Shini."
Shini slowly closed and opened her eyes, then looked back at Ariana.
“Stop it. I don’t want to talk about that person anymore.”
"Yes, Master."
Shini answered obediently.
Even though she had heard kind words from the Northern Lord, the Master looked sad for some reason, wearing an expression she had never seen before. Shini wanted to comfort her somehow, but it seemed like no words would be enough to console her.
Just then, Ariana quietly took Shini's hand. Shini held that hand tightly and murmured the words she had left unfinished to herself.
"But Master, I'm not in that painting."
Cyrus stood there motionless. Unable to even raise his hand to catch her, he had no choice but to stand there silently and watch her retreating figure.
Even though her hair, blue like the sky on a fine day, was enveloped in darkness and vanished, and even the faint scent of her body that lingered had vanished. Even though the traces of the warmth that touched his cheek and her low, soft voice had scattered.
Cyrus could not leave the place and stared into the darkness where Ariana had disappeared.
"I told you not to draw it."
Ariana said that. That we shouldn't paint our future.
"You will come to doubt it."
Ariana wasn't angry. She wasn't sulking, either. As always, she used her small head to think through various things and came to a conclusion.
"You and I can't be together. Our future is nothing but futile."
Saying that they acted that way because they had never loved was an excuse. The world is full of people who have never experienced love, but they each started their first love in their own way.
And the beginning of his love was doubt.
He was just afraid.
He was afraid he would be swept away by unfamiliar emotions and lose everything. He was afraid he would be blinded by her, like when he almost died trusting them just because they were his blood relative, and he wouldn't even notice the knife slashing at his throat.
Because he was so worried and scared, because he was such a terrible coward, he would jump back in shock every time his feet touched her scent.
It would have been better if she had just backed off, but she kept spewing out vicious words to protect her heart. Her already torn heart, like a rag, was torn again and again.
So she runs away. It's only natural that she'd try to avoid someone who's stabbed her in the heart so many times.
-“The more you see, the more you’ll want to keep someone by your side.”
His mother's voice came to mind, and his eyes became stinging.
He thought that would never happen, but his mother was right. He didn't even realize it, and he just hurt her so much.
What would my mother say if she saw me like this?
He remembered the warm embrace he'd tried to forget because it was painful to recall. Without the comforting embrace that held him whenever he felt like crying, without the reassuring support of someone he could turn to for advice when he had a question, Cyrus was left to think alone and endure this pain.
Cyrus burst out laughing.
'How old are you that you think of your parents because you couldn't find love?'
He thought he was fully grown, but he realized he hadn't grown at all since then. The boy who lost his parents at a young age and was forced to live on the run was still crouching inside Cyrus, hurting others because he didn't want to be hurt himself.
Cyrus rubbed his face with both hands and ran his hand through his disheveled hair. He swallowed a sigh and spoke into the darkness.
“Have you seen everything, Little Lord?”
From behind the shadow of the tree, Geor appeared. His violet eyes, perfectly complementing his dark blue hair, stared intently at Cyrus.
Geor didn't look particularly happy or embarrassed.
"If someone sneaks into the mansion, we have no choice but to keep an eye on them, Northern Lord. Especially if that someone is trying to lure our precious Princess."
A softer-than-usual voice pierced her heart. Ariana clenched her fists and tried to speak calmly.
"There's no need to do anything, Northern Lord. We'll never be like that."
“Because I’m stupid?”
“I’m an idiot too.”
“If we’re both fools, isn’t it a match made in heaven?”
"No. When two fools meet, they'll only hurt each other. They can't envision a beautiful future."
Let's go back now. There's no need for this pointless conversation anymore.
Even though she thought that, she couldn't take her feet off the ground.
“I’m being drawn. Your future and mine. It’s so beautiful.”
"Then it would be a nightmare. The future of the Northern Lord and me? Isn't that terrifying?"
“I’m sorry, Ariana.”
“What?”
“Because I don’t trust you.”
"We weren't in a relationship where we could trust each other to begin with. There's nothing to apologize for or forgive, Northern Lord. And please stop calling me by my name. It's not like we should be calling each other by our first names..."
Bam-!
Before Ariana could finish speaking, a black figure landed in front of her. Ariana took a deep breath and glared at Cyrus.
His hair shone brightly in the particularly bright moon.
That's why she hated it. Whenever she saw this guy, her eyes were always dazzled.
“I want to have that kind of relationship.”
Cyrus strode closer.
“I want to call your name, Ariana.”
"No, Northern Lord. Even if you don't do this, if there's anything you want, I'll grant it. I owe you a favor, so I won't refuse you if you ask."
For a moment, a pain flashed across his eyes.
“I was foolish.”
“Never. The Northern Lord is always clever.”
“I was foolish. I didn’t know better...”
“Then just stay ignorant. Don’t come near me.”
Ariana said, taking a step back.
"Just stay there, Northern Lord. Look down on everyone from that lofty perch, constantly suspecting and exploiting them. Please."
“Ariana...”
"If you need anything, I'll be of service to you. If you need help, I'll help you. So don't try to manipulate me at your whim by lying and exploiting my weaknesses."
Cyrus's fingertips grew cold at the firm push. Ariana was within arm's reach, yet she felt so far away.
As she clung tightly to her shell, he recalled each and every thing he had done. The harsh words and cold actions he had spoken to her came back vividly.
"Ariana."
“The Northern Lord still doesn’t know who I am. Aren’t you still harboring the doubts you had back then? Do you think that if you pretend to have feelings for me, I’ll foolishly let my guard down and tell you the truth? Is that why you’re acting this way?”
"It's not like that."
Now, it didn't matter what she was.
“No way. What would you do if I were Paganus?”
“Still. I like you.”
Ariana smiled. It was a smile as clear and cold as the water of Ruam Pond.
"Lie."
“Do I have to take out my heart and show it to you for you to believe me?”
“Even if I were to see the heart of the Northern Lord, I would know nothing. And I do not want to know. Go. I will go too.”
He grabbed Ariana's wrist as she turned to leave. Ariana stared down at her wrist.
“I wanted to protect the West. So I couldn’t think of anything else. But now, I think only of you. Before I even realized it, I’m thinking only of you. When I come to my senses, I think of you, and even when I’m out of my mind, I think of you.”
“...”
"It’s been like this for a long time. I did it without even knowing what it was. That’s why I was scared. Afraid that I would get consumed by that emotion and forget everything. Afraid that I would end up thinking only of you."
"Aren't you scared anymore?"
"It’s scarier not being able to think of you."
“Then keep living in fear like that, Northern Lord.”
"Ariana."
"Everyone."
Ariana squeezed her eyes shut.
“Everyone tries to use me. They say I’m unnecessary and useless, yet they try to use me for their own purposes. And so, I gladly let myself be used. Because I want to be needed, even if only for that moment. Because I want to be useful to someone.”
Cyrus couldn't tell what Ariana was saying.
Cyrus was the only one who tried to use Ariana. But Ariana says 'everyone.'
Who tried to use her again? And why does she look so distressed?
Deep pain was contained in the tightly suppressed voice.
“The words ‘I’m glad you’re here’ are so incredibly sweet. Just to hear that one word, I could have done anything—stupidly, foolishly. I lived like a fool. So now.”
Ariana opened her eyes and looked up at Cyrus.
Her blue eyes swelled up.
There was a time when he wondered what it would be like if she cried. There was a time when he wanted to see it.
He wanted to curse his past self.
He doesn't want to see it. The sight of Ariana crying.
“I don’t want to do that anymore, Lord of the North. Watching your every move out of fear that love might leave, or pacing anxiously, wondering if you might doubt me—I don’t want to do that. You must feel the same way. Someday, you will come to doubt me again.”
"There's no such thing."
"No."
Ariana pulled her wrist free from Cyrus's grasp. He could have prevented her from escaping if he had used more force, but he couldn't.
"You already did that once, Lord of the North."
The smile that bloomed as if drawn pierced Cyrus's heart.
Cyrus stared at Ariana, unable to breathe or even blink. Her hand touching his cheek was warm, soft, and painful.
She said, stroking Cyrus's cheek so sweetly.
"So, Lord of the North, let us not envision our future. Whatever we draw will be in vain."
***
Tears streamed down Ariana's cheeks as she walked slowly.
The words said to Cyrus came back exactly as they were and pierced Ariana's heart.
"I wanted to protect the North."
She understood his situation. She also knows how he has lived his life.
Cyrus lived just as fiercely as Ariana did. That must be why he had to constantly doubt her.
So, we can't do it.
Because both you and I were fierce, and because neither you nor I could escape from fear, we only end up hurting each other.
Someday, you or I will come to suspect and be wary of each other. We will start to ponder what ulterior motives we have. Just like now, when I can't help but suspect you are trying to use me, even while accepting a confession.
No matter how hard she tried, Ariana could not envision a beautiful future. She did not want to walk through a long darkness, intoxicated by a fleeting sweetness. One such life was enough. She did not want to throw herself like a moth drawn to the fire and be burned black by the momentary heat.
"I can picture it."
Lost in her own thoughts, she forgot that Shini was walking beside her. Startled by a sudden voice, Ariana turned around to find Shini gazing at the sky with dreamy eyes.
The golden eyes were stained with moonlight.
“The future of the Northern Lord and my master. It’s truly beautiful. Like fine weather.”
"Shini."
“My master is wearing a red dress. Many people are bowing their heads to my master. My master is...”
"Shini."
Shini slowly closed and opened her eyes, then looked back at Ariana.
“Stop it. I don’t want to talk about that person anymore.”
"Yes, Master."
Shini answered obediently.
Even though she had heard kind words from the Northern Lord, the Master looked sad for some reason, wearing an expression she had never seen before. Shini wanted to comfort her somehow, but it seemed like no words would be enough to console her.
Just then, Ariana quietly took Shini's hand. Shini held that hand tightly and murmured the words she had left unfinished to herself.
"But Master, I'm not in that painting."
***
Cyrus stood there motionless. Unable to even raise his hand to catch her, he had no choice but to stand there silently and watch her retreating figure.
Even though her hair, blue like the sky on a fine day, was enveloped in darkness and vanished, and even the faint scent of her body that lingered had vanished. Even though the traces of the warmth that touched his cheek and her low, soft voice had scattered.
Cyrus could not leave the place and stared into the darkness where Ariana had disappeared.
"I told you not to draw it."
Ariana said that. That we shouldn't paint our future.
"You will come to doubt it."
Ariana wasn't angry. She wasn't sulking, either. As always, she used her small head to think through various things and came to a conclusion.
"You and I can't be together. Our future is nothing but futile."
Saying that they acted that way because they had never loved was an excuse. The world is full of people who have never experienced love, but they each started their first love in their own way.
And the beginning of his love was doubt.
He was just afraid.
He was afraid he would be swept away by unfamiliar emotions and lose everything. He was afraid he would be blinded by her, like when he almost died trusting them just because they were his blood relative, and he wouldn't even notice the knife slashing at his throat.
Because he was so worried and scared, because he was such a terrible coward, he would jump back in shock every time his feet touched her scent.
It would have been better if she had just backed off, but she kept spewing out vicious words to protect her heart. Her already torn heart, like a rag, was torn again and again.
So she runs away. It's only natural that she'd try to avoid someone who's stabbed her in the heart so many times.
-“The more you see, the more you’ll want to keep someone by your side.”
His mother's voice came to mind, and his eyes became stinging.
He thought that would never happen, but his mother was right. He didn't even realize it, and he just hurt her so much.
What would my mother say if she saw me like this?
He remembered the warm embrace he'd tried to forget because it was painful to recall. Without the comforting embrace that held him whenever he felt like crying, without the reassuring support of someone he could turn to for advice when he had a question, Cyrus was left to think alone and endure this pain.
Cyrus burst out laughing.
'How old are you that you think of your parents because you couldn't find love?'
He thought he was fully grown, but he realized he hadn't grown at all since then. The boy who lost his parents at a young age and was forced to live on the run was still crouching inside Cyrus, hurting others because he didn't want to be hurt himself.
Cyrus rubbed his face with both hands and ran his hand through his disheveled hair. He swallowed a sigh and spoke into the darkness.
“Have you seen everything, Little Lord?”
From behind the shadow of the tree, Geor appeared. His violet eyes, perfectly complementing his dark blue hair, stared intently at Cyrus.
Geor didn't look particularly happy or embarrassed.
"If someone sneaks into the mansion, we have no choice but to keep an eye on them, Northern Lord. Especially if that someone is trying to lure our precious Princess."
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