Prolog
Stella gazed at the stars floating in the night sky, wondering if she, too, would become a star when she died. After receiving her terminal diagnosis, her thoughts grew even more intense. A star shining alone, indifferently. A life without anyone to watch over her. That didn't seem so bad.
"Father, I went to the hospital today."
Because there's nothing more difficult than relying on someone and being hurt. Stella had only one wish: to live a life loved.
"Are you faking it again?"
But her wish was not fulfilled in the end.
“No. This time, for real...”
"Please stop. You pathetic thing. Be half as much like your brother, who became a royal researcher."
She lived in her brother's shadow, blind to the light. Stella and her brother Skyle were always compared, and it was Stella who always seemed pathetic. She was no better than Skyle in academics, social circles, or status.
"Stella, please don't embarrass me by being like your mother."
Constant comparison and neglect didn't become a habit she grew up with. She suffered from a lack of affection. Her anxiety only subsided when her parents worried about her, given her inherently weak constitution.
"I'm sorry."
It didn't seem like her parents would listen to her anymore. No, they had no desire to see her face. It was Stella's fault. Even though she knew it was foolish, she lied about being sick, and in extreme cases, she even deliberately hurt herself. Because when she was sick, she could see her parents' worried faces. That made her feel like family. That habit, born that way, persisted even after marriage.
"Honey, I went to the doctor today."
"Are you faking it again? Isn't it time you stopped?"
When was the last time her husband, Kendrick, smiled affectionately at Stella? He, like her parents, found her annoying. She loved her husband, Kendrick Adrian. At first, she thought he was handsome and capable. She approached Kendrick, hoping to win his heart and earn her parents' approval by marrying him. But then she was captivated by his serious and reserved side, unlike Skyle's.
“This time it’s not a lie. The doctor said...”
Stella was about to continue, seemingly aggrieved, when Kendrick's secretary, Sia, interrupted. Stella had to stop.
"Duke Adrian, I have completed all the tasks you asked me to do."
"Good work, Sia."
Even though the secretary interrupted the Duchess, Duke Kendrick didn't find it strange. This one scene revealed a lot. Kendrick had no interest in Stella's feelings. And Stella was a Duchess in name only. Now, she was neither surprised nor bitter.
"Oh, Stella is here too? Um, Your Grace, I have something important to tell you about the business. Would you mind moving to the office?"
Stella was jealous. Sia, Kendrick's secretary who stayed by his side all day, was incredibly beautiful. Stella didn't like that. She had repeatedly asked him if he could replace his secretary with someone else.
"Don't do that."
But what came back was a cold rejection. A look of disgust. Kendrick turned his gaze from Sia to Stella.
"If you have nothing to do, go to your room. I'll come back to you in the evening."
And then he moved away from her. All Stella could do in this house was shut herself in her room and wait for her husband, Kendrick. Rumors spread that Kendrick didn't spare Stella, and as a result, some servants in Duke Adrian's household looked down on her.
"Yes, honey."
She lay down on the bed, unable to grasp where things had gone wrong. Memories trailed back and forth. Was it when she first slit her wrists? Or when she was caught cheating on her academic paper? Or when she fell into the sea as a child?
'I don't know.'
The more she thought about it, the more pathetic she felt. She clenched and unclenched her palms. The scars from the knife still lingered on her wrists.
'No. Maybe it was a mistake to be born in the first place.'
Ugh.
She put her hand on her heart.
'This time it's real.'
She'd been given a terminal diagnosis, but neither her husband nor her parents believed her. No, they had no intention of listening to her in the first place. A bitter smile escaped her lips. The fairy tale of the shepherd boy came to mind. The shepherd boy who cried wolf repeatedly lied about seeing a wolf just for fun. When the real wolf finally appeared, no one believed him. Stella suspected the shepherd boy wasn't simply bored and lying. Perhaps the shepherd boy who lived alone on the hill must have been lonely. Perhaps that's why he lied to get attention.
'Was that fairy tale a happy ending?'
It seems like the story ended with the shepherd losing all his sheep, with the lesson of not lying, or maybe it was a happy ending where the villagers took pity on the shepherd and helped him find his sheep. No, in reality, all her memories are hazy. Perhaps the happy ending was just Stella's own invention. Being abandoned on a hill would be too cruel for the shepherd.
'It doesn't matter anymore.'
Stella buried her face in the pillow. Her appetite had long since vanished, and her heart was pounding. She curled up and pulled the blankets up over her head. She felt short of breath. The doctor who had given her a terminal diagnosis hadn't told her to seek treatment. He had said he would learn more about the strange disease, but Stella didn't hold out much hope.
"It's cleaning time, Stella."
A servant came into her room.
"Don't do it."
"Yes?"
"Don't do that, Cleaning. Don't let anyone into this room until I call you."
Beforeshe was given a terminal diagnosis, she hoped to see Kendrick's face just a little more before she died. But after thinking it over in her room, she realized it would be better not to see him at all. Seeing his face would surely make her even more attached to this world. She felt better about dying alone.
"There you go again. Oh my."
The servant muttered softly at Stella's words. Indeed, this wasn't the first time Stella had given such an order. There had been a couple of times when she'd been so upset with Kendrick that she'd refused to let anyone into her room. Still, she was the Duchess, so why should they have to order her around like that? But Stella didn't get angry at the servant. She had neither the will nor the strength to be angry.
Bam.
The door closed. How many hours had passed? She could feel her hands growing stiff.
'It hurts.'
She'll probably go blind and deaf at this rate. The illness she had was a bit unusual. It was a rare disease without an official name. Oh, and it was temporarily nicknamed "loneliness disease." It was a strange disease where one gradually lost one's sense of taste, pain, hearing, sight, and touch, and their corpse remained warm even a week after death. The funny thing is, someone as lonely as Stella would be unaware for several days after she died. Her family would probably think she was faking it again.
"Have you heard the news? It has been revealed that Sia is the Emperor's daughter."
It seemed she hadn't completely lost her hearing yet. She didn't know when she'd heard Kendrick's voice, but she could still hear it clearly. He didn't even bother to check on her, who was tightly wrapped in the blankets, and just kept talking about his pretty secretary.
'The lost daughter? That secretary?'
When there was no answer from Stella, he sighed.
"Is this the beginning again? Are you dying this time?"
Stella said nothing. She couldn't say anything, whether positive or negative.
"If you don't want to talk, don't. I'm going to the banquet."
His wife was dying, and her husband was attending a royal banquet. He knew Kendrick was unaware of Stella's illness, but she still felt uneasy. It was clearly a banquet celebrating the return of the Emperor's daughter, Sia, to the royal family. She pictured Sia, Kendrick, her parents, and Skyle all smiling brightly at the banquet.
‘If I were to be born again...’
Her eyes stung, and tears welled up in her eyes.
"I'll go. Rest, Stella."
She had a feeling. This was the last thing Stella would hear from Kendrick before she died. Tears fell. And these would be the last tears she would shed.
'If I were to be born again in this world, I would never love any of you again.'
She wouldn't crave affection, nor would she strive to be loved. No, she wouldn't even want to see him. Stella was left alone in the cold room. The thought of leaving this world like this made Kendrick's face pop into her mind. What would his face look like when I was gone? Skyle? My parents? Would they even be sad? No. They wouldn't. They'd probably be happy now that their illegitimate child, a thorn in their side, was gone. Thinking that, her attachment to this world faded a little.
Ugh.
'What?'
Didn't she say she'd lose her sense of touch last? She felt someone grab her hand. It could have been her friend Belle, or it could have been Stella's delusion, yearning for attention even in death. It was probably an illusion. It was pathetic to see her holding onto this delusion until the very end. And now, she wanted to let that pitiful sight go.
'Thank you for your hard work.'
Stella closed her eyes.
'Stella.'
"I thought she was quiet after getting married, but she's slitting her wrists again? How pathetic. Tsk tsk."
"I don't know why the child grew up like that. It's not like I can show her anywhere. Duke Adrian, you must be having a hard time."
She thought she had already lost all hearing. But wasn't she? Stella heard her parents' voices.
"Don't worry, I'll take good care of it, so go back."
And her husband, Kendrick's voice too.
'What, am I not dead yet?'
Stella curled up even more. She had been unable to move until just now, but now her back was hunched. She could still hear her parents closing the door and leaving.
"Stella. Wake up."
And then there was the sensation of Kendrick gently shaking Stella's back. It was strange. This situation was familiar. Her parents' words, Kendrick's hand waking Stella. It was all something she'd experienced before.
"What is this situation?"
Stella sat up. The realistic sensation of her skin touching hers felt strange.
"That's what I wanted to ask."
It was as if she had gone back in time. Stella was clearly dying alone.
"Why on earth did you cut your wrist?"
Looking at Kendrick's glaring face, she was convinced. Stella was back in her twenties. Back when she had married Kendrick and attempted suicide for the first time.
Stella gazed at the stars floating in the night sky, wondering if she, too, would become a star when she died. After receiving her terminal diagnosis, her thoughts grew even more intense. A star shining alone, indifferently. A life without anyone to watch over her. That didn't seem so bad.
"Father, I went to the hospital today."
Because there's nothing more difficult than relying on someone and being hurt. Stella had only one wish: to live a life loved.
"Are you faking it again?"
But her wish was not fulfilled in the end.
“No. This time, for real...”
"Please stop. You pathetic thing. Be half as much like your brother, who became a royal researcher."
She lived in her brother's shadow, blind to the light. Stella and her brother Skyle were always compared, and it was Stella who always seemed pathetic. She was no better than Skyle in academics, social circles, or status.
"Stella, please don't embarrass me by being like your mother."
Constant comparison and neglect didn't become a habit she grew up with. She suffered from a lack of affection. Her anxiety only subsided when her parents worried about her, given her inherently weak constitution.
"I'm sorry."
It didn't seem like her parents would listen to her anymore. No, they had no desire to see her face. It was Stella's fault. Even though she knew it was foolish, she lied about being sick, and in extreme cases, she even deliberately hurt herself. Because when she was sick, she could see her parents' worried faces. That made her feel like family. That habit, born that way, persisted even after marriage.
"Honey, I went to the doctor today."
"Are you faking it again? Isn't it time you stopped?"
When was the last time her husband, Kendrick, smiled affectionately at Stella? He, like her parents, found her annoying. She loved her husband, Kendrick Adrian. At first, she thought he was handsome and capable. She approached Kendrick, hoping to win his heart and earn her parents' approval by marrying him. But then she was captivated by his serious and reserved side, unlike Skyle's.
“This time it’s not a lie. The doctor said...”
Stella was about to continue, seemingly aggrieved, when Kendrick's secretary, Sia, interrupted. Stella had to stop.
"Duke Adrian, I have completed all the tasks you asked me to do."
"Good work, Sia."
Even though the secretary interrupted the Duchess, Duke Kendrick didn't find it strange. This one scene revealed a lot. Kendrick had no interest in Stella's feelings. And Stella was a Duchess in name only. Now, she was neither surprised nor bitter.
"Oh, Stella is here too? Um, Your Grace, I have something important to tell you about the business. Would you mind moving to the office?"
Stella was jealous. Sia, Kendrick's secretary who stayed by his side all day, was incredibly beautiful. Stella didn't like that. She had repeatedly asked him if he could replace his secretary with someone else.
"Don't do that."
But what came back was a cold rejection. A look of disgust. Kendrick turned his gaze from Sia to Stella.
"If you have nothing to do, go to your room. I'll come back to you in the evening."
And then he moved away from her. All Stella could do in this house was shut herself in her room and wait for her husband, Kendrick. Rumors spread that Kendrick didn't spare Stella, and as a result, some servants in Duke Adrian's household looked down on her.
"Yes, honey."
She lay down on the bed, unable to grasp where things had gone wrong. Memories trailed back and forth. Was it when she first slit her wrists? Or when she was caught cheating on her academic paper? Or when she fell into the sea as a child?
'I don't know.'
The more she thought about it, the more pathetic she felt. She clenched and unclenched her palms. The scars from the knife still lingered on her wrists.
'No. Maybe it was a mistake to be born in the first place.'
Ugh.
She put her hand on her heart.
'This time it's real.'
She'd been given a terminal diagnosis, but neither her husband nor her parents believed her. No, they had no intention of listening to her in the first place. A bitter smile escaped her lips. The fairy tale of the shepherd boy came to mind. The shepherd boy who cried wolf repeatedly lied about seeing a wolf just for fun. When the real wolf finally appeared, no one believed him. Stella suspected the shepherd boy wasn't simply bored and lying. Perhaps the shepherd boy who lived alone on the hill must have been lonely. Perhaps that's why he lied to get attention.
'Was that fairy tale a happy ending?'
It seems like the story ended with the shepherd losing all his sheep, with the lesson of not lying, or maybe it was a happy ending where the villagers took pity on the shepherd and helped him find his sheep. No, in reality, all her memories are hazy. Perhaps the happy ending was just Stella's own invention. Being abandoned on a hill would be too cruel for the shepherd.
'It doesn't matter anymore.'
Stella buried her face in the pillow. Her appetite had long since vanished, and her heart was pounding. She curled up and pulled the blankets up over her head. She felt short of breath. The doctor who had given her a terminal diagnosis hadn't told her to seek treatment. He had said he would learn more about the strange disease, but Stella didn't hold out much hope.
"It's cleaning time, Stella."
A servant came into her room.
"Don't do it."
"Yes?"
"Don't do that, Cleaning. Don't let anyone into this room until I call you."
Beforeshe was given a terminal diagnosis, she hoped to see Kendrick's face just a little more before she died. But after thinking it over in her room, she realized it would be better not to see him at all. Seeing his face would surely make her even more attached to this world. She felt better about dying alone.
"There you go again. Oh my."
The servant muttered softly at Stella's words. Indeed, this wasn't the first time Stella had given such an order. There had been a couple of times when she'd been so upset with Kendrick that she'd refused to let anyone into her room. Still, she was the Duchess, so why should they have to order her around like that? But Stella didn't get angry at the servant. She had neither the will nor the strength to be angry.
Bam.
The door closed. How many hours had passed? She could feel her hands growing stiff.
'It hurts.'
She'll probably go blind and deaf at this rate. The illness she had was a bit unusual. It was a rare disease without an official name. Oh, and it was temporarily nicknamed "loneliness disease." It was a strange disease where one gradually lost one's sense of taste, pain, hearing, sight, and touch, and their corpse remained warm even a week after death. The funny thing is, someone as lonely as Stella would be unaware for several days after she died. Her family would probably think she was faking it again.
"Have you heard the news? It has been revealed that Sia is the Emperor's daughter."
It seemed she hadn't completely lost her hearing yet. She didn't know when she'd heard Kendrick's voice, but she could still hear it clearly. He didn't even bother to check on her, who was tightly wrapped in the blankets, and just kept talking about his pretty secretary.
'The lost daughter? That secretary?'
When there was no answer from Stella, he sighed.
"Is this the beginning again? Are you dying this time?"
Stella said nothing. She couldn't say anything, whether positive or negative.
"If you don't want to talk, don't. I'm going to the banquet."
His wife was dying, and her husband was attending a royal banquet. He knew Kendrick was unaware of Stella's illness, but she still felt uneasy. It was clearly a banquet celebrating the return of the Emperor's daughter, Sia, to the royal family. She pictured Sia, Kendrick, her parents, and Skyle all smiling brightly at the banquet.
‘If I were to be born again...’
Her eyes stung, and tears welled up in her eyes.
"I'll go. Rest, Stella."
She had a feeling. This was the last thing Stella would hear from Kendrick before she died. Tears fell. And these would be the last tears she would shed.
'If I were to be born again in this world, I would never love any of you again.'
She wouldn't crave affection, nor would she strive to be loved. No, she wouldn't even want to see him. Stella was left alone in the cold room. The thought of leaving this world like this made Kendrick's face pop into her mind. What would his face look like when I was gone? Skyle? My parents? Would they even be sad? No. They wouldn't. They'd probably be happy now that their illegitimate child, a thorn in their side, was gone. Thinking that, her attachment to this world faded a little.
Ugh.
'What?'
Didn't she say she'd lose her sense of touch last? She felt someone grab her hand. It could have been her friend Belle, or it could have been Stella's delusion, yearning for attention even in death. It was probably an illusion. It was pathetic to see her holding onto this delusion until the very end. And now, she wanted to let that pitiful sight go.
'Thank you for your hard work.'
Stella closed her eyes.
'Stella.'
***
"I thought she was quiet after getting married, but she's slitting her wrists again? How pathetic. Tsk tsk."
"I don't know why the child grew up like that. It's not like I can show her anywhere. Duke Adrian, you must be having a hard time."
She thought she had already lost all hearing. But wasn't she? Stella heard her parents' voices.
"Don't worry, I'll take good care of it, so go back."
And her husband, Kendrick's voice too.
'What, am I not dead yet?'
Stella curled up even more. She had been unable to move until just now, but now her back was hunched. She could still hear her parents closing the door and leaving.
"Stella. Wake up."
And then there was the sensation of Kendrick gently shaking Stella's back. It was strange. This situation was familiar. Her parents' words, Kendrick's hand waking Stella. It was all something she'd experienced before.
"What is this situation?"
Stella sat up. The realistic sensation of her skin touching hers felt strange.
"That's what I wanted to ask."
It was as if she had gone back in time. Stella was clearly dying alone.
"Why on earth did you cut your wrist?"
Looking at Kendrick's glaring face, she was convinced. Stella was back in her twenties. Back when she had married Kendrick and attempted suicide for the first time.
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