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In his arms, Annette felt a sense of longing, fulfillment, and, at the same time, unbearable pain. It was a feeling both familiar and unfamiliar.
Annette thought they looked just like thorns.
Her practice studio once resided in the innermost part of the Rosenberg mansion. The nearby garden, untouched by the caretaker, was overgrown with thorns.
The vines were so tangled that it was impossible to tell where they began and where they ended. And now they were no different.
Embracing each other's thorny lives, tying and oppressing each other...
When will these twisted desires end?
“Miss Rosenberg, when do you think your desires are satisfied?”
Suddenly, a question from her philosophy teacher came to mind. He was the one who had taught her about the concepts of chance and fate.
“...Humans, to satisfy their desires, walk and walk toward the object of their desires, as if they were trying to reach a mirage in the desert... But the object of their desires can never satisfy their desires. 1) ”
“So, does that mean that humans will live their entire lives without ever being able to fully satisfy their desires?”
“No, there is only one possible thing.”
“What is that?”
"Death."
Embracing each other's thorny lives,
“Only death desires nothing.”
Binding and oppressing each other until death...
Suddenly, his embrace became unbearably tight. Annette pulled back as if in protest. A tear that had been clinging to her chin fell.
She closed her eyes tightly and turned her head. Heiner looked down at his empty hands for a moment, then turned his gaze back to her.
There was silence for a long moment. Annette stubbornly turned her head away from him.
“...8n the past.”
At some point, he quietly opened his mouth.
"I've been in several wars. I've served in various capacities. Sometimes I was a soldier for Frances, sometimes I was a soldier for Armenia, and sometimes I was a mercenary in a civil war."
“...”
"I've fought in various battlefields, and I've learned the hard way how terrifying justice can be. Too many things are forgiven in the name of justice."
“..."
"I'm now championing justice. From the moment I joined the revolutionary army, to the moment I ascended to this position... I've always done so. But you know what?"
Heiner's bitter sneer was heard.
“I have never been a righteous person.”
“..."
"Come to think of it, I, like them, forgave many things about myself in the name of justice. I killed enemy soldiers. When it went against the plan, I killed civilians, and sometimes even comrades and friends."
Annette then slowly turned her head. Their faces met at a distance of about two spans.
"No, maybe I'm even worse than them. After all, there's always been something more important to me than justice."
As he spoke, he looked like a young animal yearning for warmth. Just endlessly lonely and fragile...
“Annette.”
“...”
"I'm not qualified to discuss your sins with you. I've always known that. And to even blame you for my life on such a topic... I truly am the worst of people."
“...”
“Is that why God has taken everything away from me so far?”
Pain was stamped across his face like a fingerprint. Heiner smiled crookedly.
"Everyone around me has abandoned me. You can't be one of them. You alone..."
Heiner closed his eyes and muttered to himself. His breathing was shallow and trembling.
“You are the only one left in this world.”
Annette thought he was crying, even though there wasn't a hint of moisture in his eyes. As he revealed a part of his past for the first time, she saw sadness, not hatred.
'Why?'
The question she had when she saw him at the military church came back to her. A question about his true past, one she never asked before.
What happened in your past?
Do I exist in your past?
I am to you... What kind of being am I?
Unfamiliar words swirled in her heart. She knew it was too late. She also knew it was better not to ask.
Because there are things in life that, once you realize them, become irreversible.
Annette's lips moved slowly. After a moment of hesitation, just as she was about to open her mouth, Heiner opened his eyes.
“I will relieve you of your duties for the time being.”
“...What, you say?”
"For the time being. Orders to move to other regions will be issued as early as next week, or at the latest, sometime in the week after."
It was a voice with no emotion, as if it had never happened before.
"Until then, you must remain here. All business activity is prohibited until further notice. Failure to comply will result in the order being delayed by that amount."
"Your Excellency."
“From now on, just as you wish... I won’t interfere with the life you chose. I’ll be the perfect stranger in your life...”
“...”
“Just do that.”
His eyes were as still as water in the hazy shadows of dawn. No trace of emotion could be seen on his face.
Annette tried to protest, but somehow found herself speechless. It even occurred to her that this was truly his greatest challenge.
She didn't know if it was because of the story she just heard, or because of his still-stained face, or because he'd promised to be a perfect stranger to her in life from then on.
Of course, in this situation, there was only one choice anyway.
Annette stared at him with a subtle expression. Heiner didn't look away, as if urging her to answer. Finally, she lowered her eyes and answered.
"P.S. 1. Olivia has learned to say "um" now. Now she just needs to say "ma."
Postscript 2. Bruner says that if you're going to be that picky, Olivia has said "ah" thousands of times already.
P.S. 3. I was debating whether or not to write this, but I didn't, but I think it's right to write it anyway, so I'm adding it.
Speaking of your ex-husband, sometimes I think you're still in love with him. That doesn't mean you're still in love with him. It means you literally can't forget him.
Annette, memories are like the little seashells in your pocket. Even if you forget them most of the time, when you suddenly reach into your pocket and touch them, you'll be reminded of the sea.
There's no need to try to forget. Some memories will never be forgotten anyway. There's no need to beat yourself up about not being able to forget. If the feeling you get when you touch a seashell one day still holds true, then let it be.
Annette always seems too eager to ask for permission to express your feelings. "Well, then, I'll give you permission. It's okay to feel a little bit the way you want. I think I deserve that, don't you?"
After being ordered to take a forced leave by the Commander-in-Chief, Annette was forced to rest in his quarters.
Heiner wouldn't even allow her to return to her original quarters, citing concerns that she might disobey orders and wander off, and that she wouldn't be able to rest properly within the hospital.
In fact, what he said was not wrong.
At the rear hospital, Annette was suffering from just as much stress as she had at the official residence. The added strain of hard labor further exacerbated her fatigue.
It would be better to take on more work and be physically tired, but enduring people's gazes and gossip was mentally exhausting for her.
Besides, Annette shared a room with seven other people, not counting herself. Over the past few months, she'd only been able to be alone a handful of times.
To be honest, it was really comfortable to have a private room.
Of course, it was only a small space within the Commander-in-Chief's barracks. But even having a private room was a tremendous luxury here.
There were all sorts of rumors going around about Annette suddenly leaving the dorm, but she was so exhausted that she didn't even care.
In any case, everything that happened within the Commander-in-Chief's barracks was confidential. Annette's presence was no exception. While others knew of her absence, they didn't know her whereabouts.
Naturally, Annette was also not allowed to enter Heiner's office or look at his documents. She was assigned a room furthest from the office.
Annette spent most of the day sleeping. Partly due to accumulated fatigue, but more importantly, because she had nothing better to do.
To begin with, there were no real hobbies within the military. There were a few books provided, but that was it.
She was even forbidden to meet outsiders, as the exact location of the Commander-in-Chief's barracks was a secret.
In the end, Heiner was the only person Annette could really communicate with here.
Heiner was usually extremely busy, so she didn't see him often. Meetings often dragged on, so meals were often late.
But sometimes, when the time was right, he would come to her room and invite her to have a meal together.
“Have you eaten?”
...like this.
Annette thought they looked just like thorns.
Her practice studio once resided in the innermost part of the Rosenberg mansion. The nearby garden, untouched by the caretaker, was overgrown with thorns.
The vines were so tangled that it was impossible to tell where they began and where they ended. And now they were no different.
Embracing each other's thorny lives, tying and oppressing each other...
When will these twisted desires end?
“Miss Rosenberg, when do you think your desires are satisfied?”
Suddenly, a question from her philosophy teacher came to mind. He was the one who had taught her about the concepts of chance and fate.
“...Humans, to satisfy their desires, walk and walk toward the object of their desires, as if they were trying to reach a mirage in the desert... But the object of their desires can never satisfy their desires. 1) ”
“So, does that mean that humans will live their entire lives without ever being able to fully satisfy their desires?”
“No, there is only one possible thing.”
“What is that?”
"Death."
Embracing each other's thorny lives,
“Only death desires nothing.”
Binding and oppressing each other until death...
Suddenly, his embrace became unbearably tight. Annette pulled back as if in protest. A tear that had been clinging to her chin fell.
She closed her eyes tightly and turned her head. Heiner looked down at his empty hands for a moment, then turned his gaze back to her.
There was silence for a long moment. Annette stubbornly turned her head away from him.
“...8n the past.”
At some point, he quietly opened his mouth.
"I've been in several wars. I've served in various capacities. Sometimes I was a soldier for Frances, sometimes I was a soldier for Armenia, and sometimes I was a mercenary in a civil war."
“...”
"I've fought in various battlefields, and I've learned the hard way how terrifying justice can be. Too many things are forgiven in the name of justice."
“..."
"I'm now championing justice. From the moment I joined the revolutionary army, to the moment I ascended to this position... I've always done so. But you know what?"
Heiner's bitter sneer was heard.
“I have never been a righteous person.”
“..."
"Come to think of it, I, like them, forgave many things about myself in the name of justice. I killed enemy soldiers. When it went against the plan, I killed civilians, and sometimes even comrades and friends."
Annette then slowly turned her head. Their faces met at a distance of about two spans.
"No, maybe I'm even worse than them. After all, there's always been something more important to me than justice."
As he spoke, he looked like a young animal yearning for warmth. Just endlessly lonely and fragile...
“Annette.”
“...”
"I'm not qualified to discuss your sins with you. I've always known that. And to even blame you for my life on such a topic... I truly am the worst of people."
“...”
“Is that why God has taken everything away from me so far?”
Pain was stamped across his face like a fingerprint. Heiner smiled crookedly.
"Everyone around me has abandoned me. You can't be one of them. You alone..."
Heiner closed his eyes and muttered to himself. His breathing was shallow and trembling.
“You are the only one left in this world.”
Annette thought he was crying, even though there wasn't a hint of moisture in his eyes. As he revealed a part of his past for the first time, she saw sadness, not hatred.
'Why?'
The question she had when she saw him at the military church came back to her. A question about his true past, one she never asked before.
What happened in your past?
Do I exist in your past?
I am to you... What kind of being am I?
Unfamiliar words swirled in her heart. She knew it was too late. She also knew it was better not to ask.
Because there are things in life that, once you realize them, become irreversible.
Annette's lips moved slowly. After a moment of hesitation, just as she was about to open her mouth, Heiner opened his eyes.
“I will relieve you of your duties for the time being.”
“...What, you say?”
"For the time being. Orders to move to other regions will be issued as early as next week, or at the latest, sometime in the week after."
It was a voice with no emotion, as if it had never happened before.
"Until then, you must remain here. All business activity is prohibited until further notice. Failure to comply will result in the order being delayed by that amount."
"Your Excellency."
“From now on, just as you wish... I won’t interfere with the life you chose. I’ll be the perfect stranger in your life...”
“...”
“Just do that.”
His eyes were as still as water in the hazy shadows of dawn. No trace of emotion could be seen on his face.
Annette tried to protest, but somehow found herself speechless. It even occurred to her that this was truly his greatest challenge.
She didn't know if it was because of the story she just heard, or because of his still-stained face, or because he'd promised to be a perfect stranger to her in life from then on.
Of course, in this situation, there was only one choice anyway.
Annette stared at him with a subtle expression. Heiner didn't look away, as if urging her to answer. Finally, she lowered her eyes and answered.
***
"P.S. 1. Olivia has learned to say "um" now. Now she just needs to say "ma."
Postscript 2. Bruner says that if you're going to be that picky, Olivia has said "ah" thousands of times already.
P.S. 3. I was debating whether or not to write this, but I didn't, but I think it's right to write it anyway, so I'm adding it.
Speaking of your ex-husband, sometimes I think you're still in love with him. That doesn't mean you're still in love with him. It means you literally can't forget him.
Annette, memories are like the little seashells in your pocket. Even if you forget them most of the time, when you suddenly reach into your pocket and touch them, you'll be reminded of the sea.
There's no need to try to forget. Some memories will never be forgotten anyway. There's no need to beat yourself up about not being able to forget. If the feeling you get when you touch a seashell one day still holds true, then let it be.
Annette always seems too eager to ask for permission to express your feelings. "Well, then, I'll give you permission. It's okay to feel a little bit the way you want. I think I deserve that, don't you?"
***
After being ordered to take a forced leave by the Commander-in-Chief, Annette was forced to rest in his quarters.
Heiner wouldn't even allow her to return to her original quarters, citing concerns that she might disobey orders and wander off, and that she wouldn't be able to rest properly within the hospital.
In fact, what he said was not wrong.
At the rear hospital, Annette was suffering from just as much stress as she had at the official residence. The added strain of hard labor further exacerbated her fatigue.
It would be better to take on more work and be physically tired, but enduring people's gazes and gossip was mentally exhausting for her.
Besides, Annette shared a room with seven other people, not counting herself. Over the past few months, she'd only been able to be alone a handful of times.
To be honest, it was really comfortable to have a private room.
Of course, it was only a small space within the Commander-in-Chief's barracks. But even having a private room was a tremendous luxury here.
There were all sorts of rumors going around about Annette suddenly leaving the dorm, but she was so exhausted that she didn't even care.
In any case, everything that happened within the Commander-in-Chief's barracks was confidential. Annette's presence was no exception. While others knew of her absence, they didn't know her whereabouts.
Naturally, Annette was also not allowed to enter Heiner's office or look at his documents. She was assigned a room furthest from the office.
Annette spent most of the day sleeping. Partly due to accumulated fatigue, but more importantly, because she had nothing better to do.
To begin with, there were no real hobbies within the military. There were a few books provided, but that was it.
She was even forbidden to meet outsiders, as the exact location of the Commander-in-Chief's barracks was a secret.
In the end, Heiner was the only person Annette could really communicate with here.
Heiner was usually extremely busy, so she didn't see him often. Meetings often dragged on, so meals were often late.
But sometimes, when the time was right, he would come to her room and invite her to have a meal together.
“Have you eaten?”
...like this.
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