I can't understand why you had to go to war, leaving me behind. To save me? Surely there must have been other means. And I'm not that weak. I became a Princess to protect you. But now that you're gone, I can't ask or question you. There's no one to ask what I should have done, or what I should do next. Noah said he could do everything for me, but he couldn't take responsibility for my feelings. The feelings I was left with were solely my own responsibility.
It's always difficult to fully understand or accept another person's actions and thoughts. Even while watching movies or novels, I'd often wonder, "Why do they act that way?" Because I can't fully grasp their values, their lives, their experiences, and their perspectives. Noah and I lived in completely different worlds, eras, and environments, so it wasn't easy to understand each other. Even though we shared the same time and saw the same things, we came to different conclusions, like completely different objects forming on our retinas. I thought about the immediate and decided I should run away, while he thought about the future and told me I should become a Princess. I don't know myself well, and it's hard for me to change myself, so it's not easy to change someone else's thoughts. That's probably why he left without a word.
I've always wanted to know his heart, which, while somewhat similar, is different from mine. I still don't know exactly why he likes me. His actions, which felt like a joke, only became sincere at some point.
When I came to, three days had already passed. I had spent the same day over and over again. The remaining three days, filled with empty voids instead of memories, would be no different from today.
We ate, talked, and laughed.
When I returned to my room after finishing my day's work, Milia, who was about to open the door, turned around and smiled so brightly that it almost seemed exaggerated. Eileen did the same.
“Princess, close your eyes.”
“Why is that?”
“When we tell you to open your eyes, then please open them.”
Eileen took my hand and pulled me in, her characteristically charming snort. I heard the door open, and I closed my eyes as instructed, led by Millia and Eileen's hands into the room.
“Princess, open your eyes.”
Slowly, I opened my eyelids and saw a room filled with gift boxes, shopping bags, luxury goods, and all manner of rare items, piled like a dazzling tower. In the center of the room, a large crystal swan statue shone dazzlingly, bathed in the light of a chandelier. The colorful sparkles, designed to soothe and comfort me, seemed to swirl around me, encasing me in a dance.
“Her Majesty the Queen sent this as a gift. Isn’t this swan especially beautiful?”
“This is a necklace that belonged to the Violance family in the Middle Ages. It is one of the Seven Great Treasures of the World.”
I felt dizzy, as if I had seasickness. I also felt a sense of déjà vu, as if I were sinking into the depths of a deep ocean. An afterimage of myself at twelve, standing alone among the piles of presents in the living room, flashed before me. Fragments of my shattered memories began to blur into outlines.
I stared blankly at the dazzling byproducts that surrounded me like a wall, imprisoning me. I felt like screaming. A space filled with useless, lifeless things, a familiar feeling of being adrift, alone, with nothing of my own. A memory of emptiness, of wanting nothing, of having nothing. In the flashback, the pitiful twelve-year-old girl turned her back and spoke.
'I didn't ask for that.'
“It’s your birthday.”
I muttered to myself, as if lamenting.
I realized today was my birthday in my original world. I'd completely forgotten. What a coincidence, such a devastating misfortune. Birthdays are supposed to be happy, always feel terrified. What if, on my twelfth day, Noah, like my parents, were gone forever? I'd be truly alone. For a moment, my head felt like it was going to split open, and my vision went blank.
"Yes, it's like a birthday. I wish every day could be like a birthday, Princess."
I frowned and clutched my head. Eileen's chattering voice and other noises faded into the distance, replaced by a distinct, unearthly, familiar voice.
'It was all for you.'
The sparkling crystal swan cracked and cracked with a loud cracking sound. A ringing in my ears and the broken pieces slowly scattered before my eyes. I felt as if I was being immersed in silence.
"...Your Highness."
"Princess."
It was Milia who shook me awake. I stood there clutching my head. When I came to, I looked around and saw that the swan statue was intact, not even a single broken piece in sight.
“Are you okay?”
"It's okay."
It has to be okay. It has to be okay.
“Your Majesty, Princess Diana has come to say hello in the morning.”
Queen Grace, who was having tea time before heading to her office after finishing her dressing, tilted her head as she looked at the maid who had brought her unexpected news of a visit.
"Greetings?"
Visiting early in the morning and asking about the previous night's well-being wasn't a mandatory court etiquette. A formal dinner together was sufficient for a formal greeting. The Queen nodded, signaling her arrival.
“Your Majesty, I hope you slept well.”
Diana, dressed neatly, entered and politely bowed. Unlike the day after Noah left for the front, when she had been openly expressing her heated emotions, she was as usual. The Queen, well aware of the pretense, responded with a polite smile.
“My Princess, what brings you here so early in the morning?”
Diana's pale face looked listless, and her small, stubbornly closed lips seemed ready to burst out in resentment at any moment, but what she uttered were surprisingly gentle words.
"Does there have to be a reason? I think it's a natural filial duty to visit my mother every day. I plan to visit every morning. Is that inconvenient?"
Her sultry, ash-green eyes turned to the Queen. On the surface, it was a heartwarming scene of a mother and daughter reunited after a long separation. The maids and servants watched them with smiles.
"I'm fine. It shouldn't be inconvenient. I'm just having tea, so let's join."
“Yes, I understand. This is my favorite Lady Earl Grey. I’m sure Your Majesty likes it too.”
The Queen was perplexed at the sight of Diana, who had suddenly transformed into a cheerful and bubbly person. She hadn't expected her to obediently comply with the directive to act like a loving mother and daughter, without a hint of rebellion or discomfort. After throwing Erita into a filthy abyss, cutting off her finger, and then breaking Noah's leg as if it were a show, she returned with such a harmless smile.
“I like you. I think we know each other well, since we’ve had tea together before.”
“I was truly delighted with the gift you sent, Your Majesty.”
Her round, gentle eyes, ash-green in color, held a strangely dualistic light. The Queen gazed at her quietly. Diana continued, still smiling.
“It’s embarrassing to say, but back then I wondered what it would be like if someone as kind and beautiful as Your Majesty were my mother.”
Diana sat quietly, her teacup in hand, her head tilted up, lost in thought, and stared off into space. The Queen, who had been following her gaze, stirred the tea with a teaspoon and asked.
“What did you think?”
Diana's head tilted.
"I just thought about it. I've never had a mother. Now that I think about it, I never had a father either."
Unlike Erita, who spoke her mind directly and without embellishment, Diana's every word set the Queen's already sensitive nerves on edge. It took her a moment to grasp the meaning behind her words.
“Poor Princess, you missed your parents’ love.”
"Yes. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to know what that was."
I wanted to be loved.
The Queen thought of Admiral Claire and Erita. The root of countless evils and sins, the deepest desire, was simply the desire to be recognized and loved. Those words were a deep-seated regret and sadness etched in the Queen's heart.
Her lowered voice, like a slowly falling gaze, revealed a loneliness unbecoming of her age. Was that also a show, a pretense she had put on for show? The Queen's green eyes fixed on Diana's rough fingers. She had gained weight since her youth, but she was still thin and shorter than her peers. The discrimination and unfortunate past she had endured were real. Compared to her life as a despised and outcast, the eldest daughter had been treated with the utmost respect, enjoying every luxury. This was testified to by a servant at the admiral's mansion during the investigation, and it matched Noah's story, leaving no room for doubt.
Yes, it's understandable to be angry at the thought of Erita, who wasn't even your own daughter. The pain of experiencing discrimination again, and the resentment of being forced to divorce the only man who loved you and send you off to war, must have been immense. The Queen, having finished her reflection, sighed and took Diana's hand.
"It's been hard. I love you that much, so you don't have to worry anymore. If there's anything you want to do or have, just tell me."
"I don't have any specific requests. Just making time for a cup of tea like this and taking the first step to hold my hand is enough."
“How can you speak so beautifully? You’re also kind.”
Diana stared intently at the Queen's dog, Max, as his fluffy tail waggled. Then, a sly grin appeared on her face, and she heard Diana mutter to herself.
“You’re cute.”
After tea time ended and Diana retired, Queen Grace entered her office and fell into deep thought. Compared to the imperfect Erita, Diana was the perfect daughter, the perfect Princess. Despite what she had always longed for, she couldn't shake the feeling of emptiness. Her hollow eyes, like those of a perfectly crafted doll, lacked sincerity.
The Queen recalled the pity and sadness she'd felt when she first saw Diana, the tears streaming down her impassive face. What could it have been? Diana's personality was difficult for her to grasp. Her actions and words were inconsistent and contradictory, as if she wore hundreds of masks adapted to countless situations. Could Noah possibly know what her true self was beneath those multifaceted masks?
I waited for Noah's letter. I hoped he'd explain himself. I wanted to argue back, vent my frustrations, and persuade him. Truthfully, I hoped he'd return immediately and take me somewhere. A week passed, a month passed, and there was no word from Noah. He didn't even return to me. I wished he'd at least send word, but all I heard was news that the war was growing fiercer by the day and that the allied forces were being pushed back.
It's always difficult to fully understand or accept another person's actions and thoughts. Even while watching movies or novels, I'd often wonder, "Why do they act that way?" Because I can't fully grasp their values, their lives, their experiences, and their perspectives. Noah and I lived in completely different worlds, eras, and environments, so it wasn't easy to understand each other. Even though we shared the same time and saw the same things, we came to different conclusions, like completely different objects forming on our retinas. I thought about the immediate and decided I should run away, while he thought about the future and told me I should become a Princess. I don't know myself well, and it's hard for me to change myself, so it's not easy to change someone else's thoughts. That's probably why he left without a word.
I've always wanted to know his heart, which, while somewhat similar, is different from mine. I still don't know exactly why he likes me. His actions, which felt like a joke, only became sincere at some point.
When I came to, three days had already passed. I had spent the same day over and over again. The remaining three days, filled with empty voids instead of memories, would be no different from today.
We ate, talked, and laughed.
When I returned to my room after finishing my day's work, Milia, who was about to open the door, turned around and smiled so brightly that it almost seemed exaggerated. Eileen did the same.
“Princess, close your eyes.”
“Why is that?”
“When we tell you to open your eyes, then please open them.”
Eileen took my hand and pulled me in, her characteristically charming snort. I heard the door open, and I closed my eyes as instructed, led by Millia and Eileen's hands into the room.
“Princess, open your eyes.”
Slowly, I opened my eyelids and saw a room filled with gift boxes, shopping bags, luxury goods, and all manner of rare items, piled like a dazzling tower. In the center of the room, a large crystal swan statue shone dazzlingly, bathed in the light of a chandelier. The colorful sparkles, designed to soothe and comfort me, seemed to swirl around me, encasing me in a dance.
“Her Majesty the Queen sent this as a gift. Isn’t this swan especially beautiful?”
“This is a necklace that belonged to the Violance family in the Middle Ages. It is one of the Seven Great Treasures of the World.”
I felt dizzy, as if I had seasickness. I also felt a sense of déjà vu, as if I were sinking into the depths of a deep ocean. An afterimage of myself at twelve, standing alone among the piles of presents in the living room, flashed before me. Fragments of my shattered memories began to blur into outlines.
I stared blankly at the dazzling byproducts that surrounded me like a wall, imprisoning me. I felt like screaming. A space filled with useless, lifeless things, a familiar feeling of being adrift, alone, with nothing of my own. A memory of emptiness, of wanting nothing, of having nothing. In the flashback, the pitiful twelve-year-old girl turned her back and spoke.
'I didn't ask for that.'
“It’s your birthday.”
I muttered to myself, as if lamenting.
I realized today was my birthday in my original world. I'd completely forgotten. What a coincidence, such a devastating misfortune. Birthdays are supposed to be happy, always feel terrified. What if, on my twelfth day, Noah, like my parents, were gone forever? I'd be truly alone. For a moment, my head felt like it was going to split open, and my vision went blank.
"Yes, it's like a birthday. I wish every day could be like a birthday, Princess."
I frowned and clutched my head. Eileen's chattering voice and other noises faded into the distance, replaced by a distinct, unearthly, familiar voice.
'It was all for you.'
The sparkling crystal swan cracked and cracked with a loud cracking sound. A ringing in my ears and the broken pieces slowly scattered before my eyes. I felt as if I was being immersed in silence.
"...Your Highness."
"Princess."
It was Milia who shook me awake. I stood there clutching my head. When I came to, I looked around and saw that the swan statue was intact, not even a single broken piece in sight.
“Are you okay?”
"It's okay."
It has to be okay. It has to be okay.
***
“Your Majesty, Princess Diana has come to say hello in the morning.”
Queen Grace, who was having tea time before heading to her office after finishing her dressing, tilted her head as she looked at the maid who had brought her unexpected news of a visit.
"Greetings?"
Visiting early in the morning and asking about the previous night's well-being wasn't a mandatory court etiquette. A formal dinner together was sufficient for a formal greeting. The Queen nodded, signaling her arrival.
“Your Majesty, I hope you slept well.”
Diana, dressed neatly, entered and politely bowed. Unlike the day after Noah left for the front, when she had been openly expressing her heated emotions, she was as usual. The Queen, well aware of the pretense, responded with a polite smile.
“My Princess, what brings you here so early in the morning?”
Diana's pale face looked listless, and her small, stubbornly closed lips seemed ready to burst out in resentment at any moment, but what she uttered were surprisingly gentle words.
"Does there have to be a reason? I think it's a natural filial duty to visit my mother every day. I plan to visit every morning. Is that inconvenient?"
Her sultry, ash-green eyes turned to the Queen. On the surface, it was a heartwarming scene of a mother and daughter reunited after a long separation. The maids and servants watched them with smiles.
"I'm fine. It shouldn't be inconvenient. I'm just having tea, so let's join."
“Yes, I understand. This is my favorite Lady Earl Grey. I’m sure Your Majesty likes it too.”
The Queen was perplexed at the sight of Diana, who had suddenly transformed into a cheerful and bubbly person. She hadn't expected her to obediently comply with the directive to act like a loving mother and daughter, without a hint of rebellion or discomfort. After throwing Erita into a filthy abyss, cutting off her finger, and then breaking Noah's leg as if it were a show, she returned with such a harmless smile.
“I like you. I think we know each other well, since we’ve had tea together before.”
“I was truly delighted with the gift you sent, Your Majesty.”
Her round, gentle eyes, ash-green in color, held a strangely dualistic light. The Queen gazed at her quietly. Diana continued, still smiling.
“It’s embarrassing to say, but back then I wondered what it would be like if someone as kind and beautiful as Your Majesty were my mother.”
Diana sat quietly, her teacup in hand, her head tilted up, lost in thought, and stared off into space. The Queen, who had been following her gaze, stirred the tea with a teaspoon and asked.
“What did you think?”
Diana's head tilted.
"I just thought about it. I've never had a mother. Now that I think about it, I never had a father either."
Unlike Erita, who spoke her mind directly and without embellishment, Diana's every word set the Queen's already sensitive nerves on edge. It took her a moment to grasp the meaning behind her words.
“Poor Princess, you missed your parents’ love.”
"Yes. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to know what that was."
I wanted to be loved.
The Queen thought of Admiral Claire and Erita. The root of countless evils and sins, the deepest desire, was simply the desire to be recognized and loved. Those words were a deep-seated regret and sadness etched in the Queen's heart.
Her lowered voice, like a slowly falling gaze, revealed a loneliness unbecoming of her age. Was that also a show, a pretense she had put on for show? The Queen's green eyes fixed on Diana's rough fingers. She had gained weight since her youth, but she was still thin and shorter than her peers. The discrimination and unfortunate past she had endured were real. Compared to her life as a despised and outcast, the eldest daughter had been treated with the utmost respect, enjoying every luxury. This was testified to by a servant at the admiral's mansion during the investigation, and it matched Noah's story, leaving no room for doubt.
Yes, it's understandable to be angry at the thought of Erita, who wasn't even your own daughter. The pain of experiencing discrimination again, and the resentment of being forced to divorce the only man who loved you and send you off to war, must have been immense. The Queen, having finished her reflection, sighed and took Diana's hand.
"It's been hard. I love you that much, so you don't have to worry anymore. If there's anything you want to do or have, just tell me."
"I don't have any specific requests. Just making time for a cup of tea like this and taking the first step to hold my hand is enough."
“How can you speak so beautifully? You’re also kind.”
Diana stared intently at the Queen's dog, Max, as his fluffy tail waggled. Then, a sly grin appeared on her face, and she heard Diana mutter to herself.
“You’re cute.”
After tea time ended and Diana retired, Queen Grace entered her office and fell into deep thought. Compared to the imperfect Erita, Diana was the perfect daughter, the perfect Princess. Despite what she had always longed for, she couldn't shake the feeling of emptiness. Her hollow eyes, like those of a perfectly crafted doll, lacked sincerity.
The Queen recalled the pity and sadness she'd felt when she first saw Diana, the tears streaming down her impassive face. What could it have been? Diana's personality was difficult for her to grasp. Her actions and words were inconsistent and contradictory, as if she wore hundreds of masks adapted to countless situations. Could Noah possibly know what her true self was beneath those multifaceted masks?
***
I waited for Noah's letter. I hoped he'd explain himself. I wanted to argue back, vent my frustrations, and persuade him. Truthfully, I hoped he'd return immediately and take me somewhere. A week passed, a month passed, and there was no word from Noah. He didn't even return to me. I wished he'd at least send word, but all I heard was news that the war was growing fiercer by the day and that the allied forces were being pushed back.
I was fine. Masked, I hung on a string tied to the Queen's finger, continuing the puppet show. Time passed, entrusting myself to the court ladies like a Princess doll being dressed and brushed. Every day, different clothes, accessories, fans, shoes, and hats adorned my appearance, yet I remained the same. Beyond Daniel, the Marchioness of Wales, and Barbara, I had many people to meet. And yet, I remained lonely. I was so good at adapting and calmly adapting to situations as if nothing had happened.
Having lived through countless trials and tribulations, I know that if you persevere and take care of yourself, an opportunity will come one day.
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