“How did it feel to be alone in a place where no one would bother you?”
Shish asked softly, and although he was not at all threatening, he seemed to be sweating.
“When I asked you what your relationship was, why did you pretend like there was no relationship?”
“...”
“Are you afraid I’ll kill the Crown Prince? I promised not to kill anyone.”
Shish's voice, which had never raised its voice before, gradually grew louder.
“Or was it because he was special and I was nothing, so there was no need for you to answer?”
I wanted to retort, asking what he was talking about, but my lips were trembling.
“He came breathing the same air outside, and I am still just a paper doll to you?”
The female protagonist has appeared. Two male protagonists have already fallen for her.
It was only after seeing that scene that I finally realized: the heroine's appearance meant the disappearance of the people who had filled my surroundings.
Here, Shish says he knows everything.
I don't know the contents of the book, and my senior went out of the book.
"If I had gone out, would you have treated me specially? Instead of treating me like some kind of puppet?"
I want to say something, but my lips won't part, and I have to show my face, which is unable to hide my emotions, to the other person.
The crumbling road has completely disappeared, and I feel like I'm falling headfirst into the mud.
My vision became increasingly blurry.
“...Why can’t I do anything but make you cry?”
Again, a subdued voice and a hand gently rubbing my eyes.
“You know what? You laugh a lot when you’re with His Highness the Crown Prince.”
Did I do that?
I tried to recall it, but I couldn't remember any particularly enjoyable moments with my senior.
It's convenient not to have to be careful about your word choice.
Other than that, can you exchange jokes that are common outside of the book?
“The only time you see me as human is when I cry.”
It seemed like Shish was about to cry while talking like this.
“Only when I scratch and dig at your wounds will you look at me.”
No, sissy.
I've been watching you for a long time.
“What I want to see is a smiling face.”
The welling tears would not stop and kept clouding Shish's face.
“No matter how much I pretend to be a good person, no matter how much I pretend to be harmless to you, you never smile at me.”
Shish slowly straightened his upper body and moved away only a little, but it felt like he had gone very far.
“I guess I can’t reach you.”
Even the voice I love, which I clearly heard nearby, feels like it's echoing from far away.
“I am nothing but a twisted and broken letter.”
The red-haired man stood up and permeated the darkness that filled the room.
“Good night, master.”
He greeted me warmly and then opened the door.
No, no, no.
That's not it!
All I had to do was say no, but I just floundered like a drowning man, unable to grab hold of Shish, who had turned his back on me.
As the door opened, the light that had filled the room gradually dimmed and then suddenly stopped. In the blink of an eye, darkness took over the room.
Even when I was at Rose Palace, I rarely slept alone, either because I'd sleep with Lily or because the male protagonists would drop by unexpectedly. This was the first time I'd ever slept completely alone since arriving here.
I wiped away the tears that were streaming down my cheeks and buried my face in the pillow that had my favorite scent.
"Ha..."
Where did it go wrong?
The male protagonists called me, or did I come back here? Or did I write this book?
Things started to go wrong, and the reasons for this started to go round and round.
“Is it my fault...?”
I don't show my negative emotions in front of people, and I tend to make decisions quickly.
People say that I am bright and refreshing when they see me like this.
But the truth is, I am a very frustrating person.
Not showing negative emotions is to reduce friction with worthless people.
The decision is made quickly because there are no expectations on either side.
I'm also a coward who always avoids important things because I don't have the confidence to face them.
The reason I can remain calm at any moment is that I don't face that situation or that opponent.
"Ha..."
When I was young, I was quite oblivious.
I was so oblivious that I didn't realize until later that I was being bullied.
There wasn't any major bullying. I just found out later that my friends were hanging out with each other without me.
At the time, I thought it didn't have any impact, but as the school year changed and I made new friends, I realized that wasn't the case.
As I made more friends and started to form groups, I began to have doubts.
'Are they playing without me?'
A relationship born of suspicion couldn't last. I was the one who got tired first, and at some point, I lost sight of the meaning of forming relationships.
I've always been an observer, and I've become more discerning as I've taken a step back and observed the situation.
However, it was difficult to notice the emotions of others who were directly related to me, so I kept a certain distance to hide them.
As time went by, it became harder to form deep relationships with anyone, and I started to feel lonely.
Then, I could approach the person I wanted to become close with, but since I couldn't do that, I ended up going around in circles like a hamster on a wheel.
This is me.
It was the same even now.
I wanted to clarify the situation, but my mind was in a jumble, and I couldn't move. Even at this moment, my eyelids remained downright.
My consciousness, which had sunk deep into the depths, rose to the surface at the sound of occasional mutterings.
“Oh, Master. Your eyes are really swollen.”
A voice accompanied by a soft sigh, and a scent stronger than the one coming from the pillow I was sleeping on.
Shish is here.
“You cried a lot.”
I felt good because the question asked seemed to contain concern for me, even though there would be no answer.
Soon, I felt a cold towel on my eyes and clenched my fists under the blanket to keep from flinching.
“Why can I only treat my master this way?”
Why can I only treat you that way?
So that you can't help but keep hurting yourself.
I've been like that from the beginning. I dismissed this world as an illusion, never confronted it, and that hurt you.
I kept pretending not to know, and kept thinking about getting away. Only after I left did I realize belatedly: This place wasn't a dream.
Even though it's late, I've come back to face the reality I've been avoiding, and I still wonder, what am I hesitating about?
How convenient it would be if I could diagram unexpected situations and my emotions.
No, if only I had a little more courage. If only I had the strength to take just one step forward, would anything change?
But unfortunately, reality wasn't so easy, and I had to listen to Shish's mutterings in silence.
“I didn’t mean to make you sick.”
It feels like listening to a confession.
“If I'm even a little happy that I can shake you up in the middle of this, then I must be out of my mind.”
The laughter that followed, “Phehehe,” was self-deprecating.
“Yeah, I...”
As the voices became more frequent, my consciousness began to sink again.
I opened my eyes around sunrise, and it was a maid who came to serve me. Her face was one I had never seen before.
After I finished washing, eating, and getting ready, the butler came and told me.
“The carriage is ready.”
As I go down to the lobby, I see the landlord, who is also ready to leave.
At dawn, Shish treated me very politely, as if he had never once soothed my eyes with affection.
“I will take you to the palace.”
As if he were treating Lady Hayley, or a lady with more than just a delay.
Shish rode in the same carriage as me, but instead of sitting next to me, he sat across from me. He opened the curtain that had once blocked the entry and gazed outside.
I felt bad for keeping my distance, but I couldn't say anything.
Instead, I turned my thoughts in another direction. According to the story, the heroine attends parties every single day.
Did Dietrich and Yuno tell the heroine about me? If so, how much?
If I hadn't said anything, would I just let this slide? If I leave, would the story be completely resolved?
There's nothing I can confirm right now, but there's one thing I need to do: I need to properly look at the heroine and see what kind of person she is.
It was almost instinctive.
A vague sense of mission compelled me to do this.
“Shish.”
Red eyes look at me.
“Are you going to the party today too?”
No answer came back.
“I intend to attend.”
So I wasn't shameless enough to ask you to escort me.
“No, I was just talking nonsense. Thanks for bringing me here.”
Who should I go with?
The Marquis and his wife said they wouldn't be attending, and I don't want to give Bilau and Cain an excuse, so let's leave the Marquis aside.
If Shish sees this, he'll be angry, but should I tell my senior to go?
No, I guess I'll just go alone. Even if it looks funny, it's better that way.
Because I don't want to do anything that would hurt the person in front of me, even a little bit.
This was the best I could do in my frustration.
Shish asked softly, and although he was not at all threatening, he seemed to be sweating.
“When I asked you what your relationship was, why did you pretend like there was no relationship?”
“...”
“Are you afraid I’ll kill the Crown Prince? I promised not to kill anyone.”
Shish's voice, which had never raised its voice before, gradually grew louder.
“Or was it because he was special and I was nothing, so there was no need for you to answer?”
I wanted to retort, asking what he was talking about, but my lips were trembling.
“He came breathing the same air outside, and I am still just a paper doll to you?”
The female protagonist has appeared. Two male protagonists have already fallen for her.
It was only after seeing that scene that I finally realized: the heroine's appearance meant the disappearance of the people who had filled my surroundings.
Here, Shish says he knows everything.
I don't know the contents of the book, and my senior went out of the book.
"If I had gone out, would you have treated me specially? Instead of treating me like some kind of puppet?"
I want to say something, but my lips won't part, and I have to show my face, which is unable to hide my emotions, to the other person.
The crumbling road has completely disappeared, and I feel like I'm falling headfirst into the mud.
My vision became increasingly blurry.
“...Why can’t I do anything but make you cry?”
Again, a subdued voice and a hand gently rubbing my eyes.
“You know what? You laugh a lot when you’re with His Highness the Crown Prince.”
Did I do that?
I tried to recall it, but I couldn't remember any particularly enjoyable moments with my senior.
It's convenient not to have to be careful about your word choice.
Other than that, can you exchange jokes that are common outside of the book?
“The only time you see me as human is when I cry.”
It seemed like Shish was about to cry while talking like this.
“Only when I scratch and dig at your wounds will you look at me.”
No, sissy.
I've been watching you for a long time.
“What I want to see is a smiling face.”
The welling tears would not stop and kept clouding Shish's face.
“No matter how much I pretend to be a good person, no matter how much I pretend to be harmless to you, you never smile at me.”
Shish slowly straightened his upper body and moved away only a little, but it felt like he had gone very far.
“I guess I can’t reach you.”
Even the voice I love, which I clearly heard nearby, feels like it's echoing from far away.
“I am nothing but a twisted and broken letter.”
The red-haired man stood up and permeated the darkness that filled the room.
“Good night, master.”
He greeted me warmly and then opened the door.
No, no, no.
That's not it!
All I had to do was say no, but I just floundered like a drowning man, unable to grab hold of Shish, who had turned his back on me.
As the door opened, the light that had filled the room gradually dimmed and then suddenly stopped. In the blink of an eye, darkness took over the room.
Even when I was at Rose Palace, I rarely slept alone, either because I'd sleep with Lily or because the male protagonists would drop by unexpectedly. This was the first time I'd ever slept completely alone since arriving here.
I wiped away the tears that were streaming down my cheeks and buried my face in the pillow that had my favorite scent.
"Ha..."
Where did it go wrong?
The male protagonists called me, or did I come back here? Or did I write this book?
Things started to go wrong, and the reasons for this started to go round and round.
“Is it my fault...?”
I don't show my negative emotions in front of people, and I tend to make decisions quickly.
People say that I am bright and refreshing when they see me like this.
But the truth is, I am a very frustrating person.
Not showing negative emotions is to reduce friction with worthless people.
The decision is made quickly because there are no expectations on either side.
I'm also a coward who always avoids important things because I don't have the confidence to face them.
The reason I can remain calm at any moment is that I don't face that situation or that opponent.
"Ha..."
When I was young, I was quite oblivious.
I was so oblivious that I didn't realize until later that I was being bullied.
There wasn't any major bullying. I just found out later that my friends were hanging out with each other without me.
At the time, I thought it didn't have any impact, but as the school year changed and I made new friends, I realized that wasn't the case.
As I made more friends and started to form groups, I began to have doubts.
'Are they playing without me?'
A relationship born of suspicion couldn't last. I was the one who got tired first, and at some point, I lost sight of the meaning of forming relationships.
I've always been an observer, and I've become more discerning as I've taken a step back and observed the situation.
However, it was difficult to notice the emotions of others who were directly related to me, so I kept a certain distance to hide them.
As time went by, it became harder to form deep relationships with anyone, and I started to feel lonely.
Then, I could approach the person I wanted to become close with, but since I couldn't do that, I ended up going around in circles like a hamster on a wheel.
This is me.
It was the same even now.
I wanted to clarify the situation, but my mind was in a jumble, and I couldn't move. Even at this moment, my eyelids remained downright.
My consciousness, which had sunk deep into the depths, rose to the surface at the sound of occasional mutterings.
“Oh, Master. Your eyes are really swollen.”
A voice accompanied by a soft sigh, and a scent stronger than the one coming from the pillow I was sleeping on.
Shish is here.
“You cried a lot.”
I felt good because the question asked seemed to contain concern for me, even though there would be no answer.
Soon, I felt a cold towel on my eyes and clenched my fists under the blanket to keep from flinching.
“Why can I only treat my master this way?”
Why can I only treat you that way?
So that you can't help but keep hurting yourself.
I've been like that from the beginning. I dismissed this world as an illusion, never confronted it, and that hurt you.
I kept pretending not to know, and kept thinking about getting away. Only after I left did I realize belatedly: This place wasn't a dream.
Even though it's late, I've come back to face the reality I've been avoiding, and I still wonder, what am I hesitating about?
How convenient it would be if I could diagram unexpected situations and my emotions.
No, if only I had a little more courage. If only I had the strength to take just one step forward, would anything change?
But unfortunately, reality wasn't so easy, and I had to listen to Shish's mutterings in silence.
“I didn’t mean to make you sick.”
It feels like listening to a confession.
“If I'm even a little happy that I can shake you up in the middle of this, then I must be out of my mind.”
The laughter that followed, “Phehehe,” was self-deprecating.
“Yeah, I...”
As the voices became more frequent, my consciousness began to sink again.
***
I opened my eyes around sunrise, and it was a maid who came to serve me. Her face was one I had never seen before.
After I finished washing, eating, and getting ready, the butler came and told me.
“The carriage is ready.”
As I go down to the lobby, I see the landlord, who is also ready to leave.
At dawn, Shish treated me very politely, as if he had never once soothed my eyes with affection.
“I will take you to the palace.”
As if he were treating Lady Hayley, or a lady with more than just a delay.
Shish rode in the same carriage as me, but instead of sitting next to me, he sat across from me. He opened the curtain that had once blocked the entry and gazed outside.
I felt bad for keeping my distance, but I couldn't say anything.
Instead, I turned my thoughts in another direction. According to the story, the heroine attends parties every single day.
Did Dietrich and Yuno tell the heroine about me? If so, how much?
If I hadn't said anything, would I just let this slide? If I leave, would the story be completely resolved?
There's nothing I can confirm right now, but there's one thing I need to do: I need to properly look at the heroine and see what kind of person she is.
It was almost instinctive.
A vague sense of mission compelled me to do this.
“Shish.”
Red eyes look at me.
“Are you going to the party today too?”
No answer came back.
“I intend to attend.”
So I wasn't shameless enough to ask you to escort me.
“No, I was just talking nonsense. Thanks for bringing me here.”
Who should I go with?
The Marquis and his wife said they wouldn't be attending, and I don't want to give Bilau and Cain an excuse, so let's leave the Marquis aside.
If Shish sees this, he'll be angry, but should I tell my senior to go?
No, I guess I'll just go alone. Even if it looks funny, it's better that way.
Because I don't want to do anything that would hurt the person in front of me, even a little bit.
This was the best I could do in my frustration.
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