Why is it so hard to calm down in front of Julian?
I kept clearing my throat as I opened the jewelry box. Thankfully, I had some time to dig my fingernails into the cracks and separate the contents. When I opened my mouth, my voice came out more clearly than I'd expected.
“This notebook came out from inside.”
I handed Julian the notebook. His hand trembled slightly as he accepted it. He could easily guess that it belonged to the former Grand Duchess.
"There's something you absolutely must read. It's something precious to you, but more importantly, it tells the story of Her Highness the Grand Duchess's death."
Julian flipped through the notebook with a sharp hand. But the expression on his face as he read the first page, though fleeting, was incredibly gentle and filled with longing.
But because my words were so serious, he didn't linger long and quickly turned to the next page. Julian's expression gradually began to harden.
“Harry... was your mother’s maid.”
“He’s dead now. I heard from my husband that he was killed by robbers.”
Julian's lips twisted. There was no reason he couldn't think what I was thinking.
“I don’t think it’s a robbery.”
“I think so too.”
“...Then what is the way to save the day written here?”
Julian's expression was one of incomprehension. Seeing as she was still alive, the former Grand Duchess had clearly done something. But even Julian couldn't figure out what.
"I tried to find out, but so far, nothing has come of it. I also looked through the maid's belongings, but there wasn't anything of note."
Julian closed his eyes. He could clearly see the corners of his eyes trembling. He loved his mother more than anything.
They lived happily in that small villa, in a world just for the two of them. If his mother hadn't died, Julian wouldn't have needed a wife who lied to him like me.
But I couldn't even imagine the shock he would feel when he found out that his mother had died not from a chronic illness, but from poisoning, and that the person who had instigated it was his maternal uncle.
I could only guess a little bit about his feelings by recalling the vengeance I had felt toward Kaiser.
“Don’t forgive the murderer.”
I said that while looking at Julian. I hoped Julian wouldn't be swept away by emotions and forgive the Emperor.
If he forgives the murderer who killed his own mother and, not satisfied with that, continues to pressure Julian's power, her mother will not be able to close his eyes even in death.
But on the other hand, I thought Julian might ignore what I said. He was much more affectionate and kind than I was. But Julian opened his eyes very slowly and whispered.
“I guess so.”
It was a statement that felt like a giant snake was constricting my body. It felt like the snake would swallow the throne at any moment. I found relief in the tension.
"I'll help, too. Don't refuse. It's not that different from the path I'm taking anyway."
“I won’t refuse.”
I felt like, at this very moment, we were partners, not a couple.
Yes, perhaps this is exactly what I envisioned our relationship to be: companions who wouldn't betray each other. What we need isn't love.
I lightly brushed my arm and exhaled. I had a lot to say.
“I know you have mixed feelings, but there’s more I want to say.”
“It’s okay, just tell me.”
"Within a year, the number of demons in the eastern Riar Plains will increase dramatically. We must prepare in advance."
Julian's eyebrows furrowed at my words. He didn't seem to be dissatisfied with the gravity of the situation. I was about to ask why, but he spoke first.
“How did you know?”
“I can’t say that.”
“Are you still in contact with ‘Lethe’?”
Julian absolutely hated Shuan. Even at the banquet after the hunting competition, his wariness toward Shuan was palpable.
I, too, no longer consider him a useful trope. In my last life, he was a very attractive trope, but not in this one.
I shook my head.
“That’s not it. But even if I told you... You wouldn’t believe me.”
At my words, Julian rose from his seat. I raised my head and looked at him. Julian's eyes gleamed fiercely. His voice was lower and darker than ever.
“Have you completely lost your trust because I didn’t trust you with the princess?”
I shook my head quickly. That wasn't it.
“I’m not blaming you. It’s my fault.”
“What is your fault?”
"It's all my fault for creating this situation. You did nothing wrong."
Julian wiped his face, as if frustrated. I bit my lip. Julian walked around the table and approached me. He knelt down on one knee before me.
Julian's hand gently touched my knee. He looked me in the eye and spoke.
“Layla, if I told you I would believe anything you said, would you believe me?”
I wanted to respond calmly to whatever he said. But the question was unbearable. I looked away from Julian's gaze and stared into space. I felt like I'd cry if I didn't.
“You don’t believe me.”
“Layla. Look at me.”
"I know. I don't deserve your trust. There's still so much I keep from you. You know it, and I know you know it. How can we ever trust each other?"
“Layla!”
Julian cried out in a low voice. I bit my lower lip, strained my eyes, and turned my head. Despair was written all over Julian's face. He clenched his fists and asked in a pained voice.
“Can you trust me just once?”
I laughed at his words. I wasn't laughing at Julian. I was laughing at myself.
“What qualifications do I have?”
I covered my face with both palms. I was ashamed of myself for spewing such emotional and pathetic words in front of him. Julian carefully grabbed my arm.
“Layla, please don’t cry.”
“I’m not crying!”
But my palms were quickly getting wet.
"I'm the worst. If I think you're taking the Princess's side... I hate you so much. You know that? I'm the worst. But, but me too... If I had met you when I was younger, I could have cherished you more than anyone else! Even more than the Princess!"
I shook off Julian's grip on my arm and spoke. My face instantly turned into a mess. I didn't know what was going on.
Julian eventually sat down next to me and hugged me. My resolve to talk to him calmly, like a businessman, like a comrade, vanished in an instant.
In the end, it was no different than any other day. I was being unreasonable to him, and I kept saying untrustworthy things. Despite this, Julian hugged me. I tried to push his shoulder, but he wouldn't budge.
“Don’t hug me!”
Julian held me somewhat loosely, but he didn't let me go. He simply whispered my name quietly.
“Layla...”
"Why haven't you ever come to me! Why haven't you made any excuses to me?"
“I didn’t think you would want it.”
“Then why are you sending Duke? Why are you sending the doctor?”
“I thought you might be lonely.”
No matter what I said, Julian seemed to say it was for my own good. And indeed, he did. He always tried to accommodate my quirky rhythm, even when it was awkward and incomprehensible.
I slapped Julian hard on the back. But he didn't groan once. He didn't let go. He was always there, like a giant rock, protecting me, embracing me, soothing me. That feeling felt so distant, I closed my eyes and whispered.
“Yes. It’s all my fault.”
“That’s not what I meant!”
Julian pulled away from me and held my shoulders tightly. Each of his fingers felt like they were etching into my skin.
“Listen to my story, Layla.”
Julian raised his hand and calmly wiped the tears from my cheek. But his hand was shaking, just like mine. Slowly, I met his gaze, and his eyes were filled with confusion, as if he couldn't grasp his own emotions.
"I want to give you whatever you want. If you want to hide, I won't ask. If you want to distance yourself... I don't want to force you to stay by my side. You're not the type of woman who can be held back just because of that. But I don't think I can help you this way."
Julian, who said those words, looked incredibly lonely.
"Layla, I'm not very good at this. So tell me. How can I get you to stop blaming yourself, how can I get you to be honest about me, how can I get you to trust me completely?"
"Why..."
I closed my eyes tightly.
“Why are you so affectionate towards me... You’re disappointed in me. You should be sick of me, right?”
I wanted to be more assertive with him, but I couldn't understand why the words I was saying were so weak. I couldn't understand why I was only showing him my vulnerable side. I felt powerless, incompetent, and even fickle in front of him.
Julian whispered, gently stroking my back.
“Because I know you feel guilty toward me.”
The incredibly affectionate whispers seemed to melt my mind.
“So I’m fine.”
I kept clearing my throat as I opened the jewelry box. Thankfully, I had some time to dig my fingernails into the cracks and separate the contents. When I opened my mouth, my voice came out more clearly than I'd expected.
“This notebook came out from inside.”
I handed Julian the notebook. His hand trembled slightly as he accepted it. He could easily guess that it belonged to the former Grand Duchess.
"There's something you absolutely must read. It's something precious to you, but more importantly, it tells the story of Her Highness the Grand Duchess's death."
Julian flipped through the notebook with a sharp hand. But the expression on his face as he read the first page, though fleeting, was incredibly gentle and filled with longing.
But because my words were so serious, he didn't linger long and quickly turned to the next page. Julian's expression gradually began to harden.
“Harry... was your mother’s maid.”
“He’s dead now. I heard from my husband that he was killed by robbers.”
Julian's lips twisted. There was no reason he couldn't think what I was thinking.
“I don’t think it’s a robbery.”
“I think so too.”
“...Then what is the way to save the day written here?”
Julian's expression was one of incomprehension. Seeing as she was still alive, the former Grand Duchess had clearly done something. But even Julian couldn't figure out what.
"I tried to find out, but so far, nothing has come of it. I also looked through the maid's belongings, but there wasn't anything of note."
Julian closed his eyes. He could clearly see the corners of his eyes trembling. He loved his mother more than anything.
They lived happily in that small villa, in a world just for the two of them. If his mother hadn't died, Julian wouldn't have needed a wife who lied to him like me.
But I couldn't even imagine the shock he would feel when he found out that his mother had died not from a chronic illness, but from poisoning, and that the person who had instigated it was his maternal uncle.
I could only guess a little bit about his feelings by recalling the vengeance I had felt toward Kaiser.
“Don’t forgive the murderer.”
I said that while looking at Julian. I hoped Julian wouldn't be swept away by emotions and forgive the Emperor.
If he forgives the murderer who killed his own mother and, not satisfied with that, continues to pressure Julian's power, her mother will not be able to close his eyes even in death.
But on the other hand, I thought Julian might ignore what I said. He was much more affectionate and kind than I was. But Julian opened his eyes very slowly and whispered.
“I guess so.”
It was a statement that felt like a giant snake was constricting my body. It felt like the snake would swallow the throne at any moment. I found relief in the tension.
"I'll help, too. Don't refuse. It's not that different from the path I'm taking anyway."
“I won’t refuse.”
I felt like, at this very moment, we were partners, not a couple.
Yes, perhaps this is exactly what I envisioned our relationship to be: companions who wouldn't betray each other. What we need isn't love.
I lightly brushed my arm and exhaled. I had a lot to say.
“I know you have mixed feelings, but there’s more I want to say.”
“It’s okay, just tell me.”
"Within a year, the number of demons in the eastern Riar Plains will increase dramatically. We must prepare in advance."
Julian's eyebrows furrowed at my words. He didn't seem to be dissatisfied with the gravity of the situation. I was about to ask why, but he spoke first.
“How did you know?”
“I can’t say that.”
“Are you still in contact with ‘Lethe’?”
Julian absolutely hated Shuan. Even at the banquet after the hunting competition, his wariness toward Shuan was palpable.
I, too, no longer consider him a useful trope. In my last life, he was a very attractive trope, but not in this one.
I shook my head.
“That’s not it. But even if I told you... You wouldn’t believe me.”
At my words, Julian rose from his seat. I raised my head and looked at him. Julian's eyes gleamed fiercely. His voice was lower and darker than ever.
“Have you completely lost your trust because I didn’t trust you with the princess?”
I shook my head quickly. That wasn't it.
“I’m not blaming you. It’s my fault.”
“What is your fault?”
"It's all my fault for creating this situation. You did nothing wrong."
Julian wiped his face, as if frustrated. I bit my lip. Julian walked around the table and approached me. He knelt down on one knee before me.
Julian's hand gently touched my knee. He looked me in the eye and spoke.
“Layla, if I told you I would believe anything you said, would you believe me?”
I wanted to respond calmly to whatever he said. But the question was unbearable. I looked away from Julian's gaze and stared into space. I felt like I'd cry if I didn't.
“You don’t believe me.”
“Layla. Look at me.”
"I know. I don't deserve your trust. There's still so much I keep from you. You know it, and I know you know it. How can we ever trust each other?"
“Layla!”
Julian cried out in a low voice. I bit my lower lip, strained my eyes, and turned my head. Despair was written all over Julian's face. He clenched his fists and asked in a pained voice.
“Can you trust me just once?”
I laughed at his words. I wasn't laughing at Julian. I was laughing at myself.
“What qualifications do I have?”
I covered my face with both palms. I was ashamed of myself for spewing such emotional and pathetic words in front of him. Julian carefully grabbed my arm.
“Layla, please don’t cry.”
“I’m not crying!”
But my palms were quickly getting wet.
"I'm the worst. If I think you're taking the Princess's side... I hate you so much. You know that? I'm the worst. But, but me too... If I had met you when I was younger, I could have cherished you more than anyone else! Even more than the Princess!"
I shook off Julian's grip on my arm and spoke. My face instantly turned into a mess. I didn't know what was going on.
Julian eventually sat down next to me and hugged me. My resolve to talk to him calmly, like a businessman, like a comrade, vanished in an instant.
In the end, it was no different than any other day. I was being unreasonable to him, and I kept saying untrustworthy things. Despite this, Julian hugged me. I tried to push his shoulder, but he wouldn't budge.
“Don’t hug me!”
Julian held me somewhat loosely, but he didn't let me go. He simply whispered my name quietly.
“Layla...”
"Why haven't you ever come to me! Why haven't you made any excuses to me?"
“I didn’t think you would want it.”
“Then why are you sending Duke? Why are you sending the doctor?”
“I thought you might be lonely.”
No matter what I said, Julian seemed to say it was for my own good. And indeed, he did. He always tried to accommodate my quirky rhythm, even when it was awkward and incomprehensible.
I slapped Julian hard on the back. But he didn't groan once. He didn't let go. He was always there, like a giant rock, protecting me, embracing me, soothing me. That feeling felt so distant, I closed my eyes and whispered.
“Yes. It’s all my fault.”
“That’s not what I meant!”
Julian pulled away from me and held my shoulders tightly. Each of his fingers felt like they were etching into my skin.
“Listen to my story, Layla.”
Julian raised his hand and calmly wiped the tears from my cheek. But his hand was shaking, just like mine. Slowly, I met his gaze, and his eyes were filled with confusion, as if he couldn't grasp his own emotions.
"I want to give you whatever you want. If you want to hide, I won't ask. If you want to distance yourself... I don't want to force you to stay by my side. You're not the type of woman who can be held back just because of that. But I don't think I can help you this way."
Julian, who said those words, looked incredibly lonely.
"Layla, I'm not very good at this. So tell me. How can I get you to stop blaming yourself, how can I get you to be honest about me, how can I get you to trust me completely?"
"Why..."
I closed my eyes tightly.
“Why are you so affectionate towards me... You’re disappointed in me. You should be sick of me, right?”
I wanted to be more assertive with him, but I couldn't understand why the words I was saying were so weak. I couldn't understand why I was only showing him my vulnerable side. I felt powerless, incompetent, and even fickle in front of him.
Julian whispered, gently stroking my back.
“Because I know you feel guilty toward me.”
The incredibly affectionate whispers seemed to melt my mind.
“So I’m fine.”
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