086. How much should I forgive?
Her chest split open. The hot things that came out through the cracks made it unbearable for Emilia. The blood that poured out flowed through her blood vessels and spread warmth to her fingertips.
The man's hand ran down the cheek, lightly caressing her lips before reaching the nape of her neck.
Because of the strange glint in his eyes, she thought he might strangle her again. If he did... If he tried to do something twisted like that again, she wouldn’t stay still.
But his hands were as light and soft as feathers. Rather than grabbing the flesh fiercely, he hesitated as if he didn't know what to do, and slowly moved away.
Only then did Emilia realize that what lingered between them was pain.
What was actually coloring the man's eyes was sadness.
Hardius, dropping his arms, walked away from her. Standing by the window, staring into the darkness, he was calm again, almost believable from the roar he had just given.
Emilia lowered her head and looked down at her glass. The clear, brown liquid was quietly quivering, reflecting the lamplight.
Somewhere, with her pulse pounding in her ears, Charlotte whispered.
'Forgive me, and I will feel better.'
In that moment, another realization came to me.
'Can I really buy you with money? If I could, how much could I have?'
'I thought my heart would weaken if you stood there like a martyr. But I was wrong.'
'I swear. I will never harm Mitch Bern and your family. I will protect them with my life. I mean it.'
Every moment he said something strange, every moment he lost his judgment and came to foolish conclusions, it was because she was filled with a twisted hatred.
It wasn't just Mitch who had been growing his hatred through the Purge Squad. Emilia, too, might have been pretending to be okay, pretending that nothing was wrong, but deep down, she was filled with hatred and resentment.
It's not that she really hated that guy. She just wanted to hate him.
The compulsion to hate clouds judgment and breeds resentment and hatred.
In reality, she just hated herself.
I, so insignificant.
I still like him.
I try to forgive too easily.
And my miserable life.
The moment she faced reality, the self-reproach and self-loathing that came to her painfully changed direction and rushed fiercely toward the man named Meyer.
Ever since her father passed away, Emilia has tried her best to become a smart and capable person.
She has proven herself by having no attachment to the world of nobility, collectively known as Meyer.
She had to continue to hate without forgiving in order to prove her worth. So she continued to hate that man instead of herself.
'Forgive me, and I will feel better.'
Charlotte's voice was heard again and again.
But she was still afraid. Nothing would change even if Emilia forgave him and admitted her feelings for him.
She never wanted to be a Duchess; she wanted to live as Emilia Bern, no one else. She wanted to live happily and joyfully. In a world that would gladly accept and welcome her.
A tangled and twisted thread is not so easily unraveled.
How far should I go?
Even in the chaos, one thing was clear.
You have to be honest. You have to reveal your vague, unclear, and cowardly feelings.
Because he turned everything upside down like that.
“I, I...”
As the trembling voice echoed through the air, Hardius turned his head. His eyes, which had become indifferent as if nothing had happened, pierced her heart.
“I’m not leaving for the New World. I already declined a few days ago. I have no intention of meeting any man, including Nathan Malvin.”
His broad shoulders, which had not moved at all, shook ever so slightly.
“I... have never been in love with a man in the past five years... no, since I was born. Except for one.”
As soon as she finished speaking, her determination disappeared, and fear set in. She had to muster up all her courage to open her mouth again.
“Oh, it wasn’t something like affection or friendship. I was just too scared... so scared that I couldn’t even dare to say it out loud...”
The image contained a man with a blank expression, as if he couldn't understand what was being said due to his blurred vision. Emilia held her trembling hand and continued her difficult confession.
“Do you know what I’ve been like for the past five years? I’ve been imagining things alone, laughing alone, feeling frustrated alone, and hoping alone.”
“Emilia...”
“I loved it so much that I couldn’t even speak, so much that I could barely breathe.”
The moment she spoke out loud, everything she thought was dead came back to life in an instant, sweeping her into the storm.
Yeah, I forgot. I thought I had completely gotten rid of it.
Memories of a heart that pounded and fondly remembered just by meeting eyes with a man who sparkled like a star...
I liked him so much.
“I... had no choice but to return the ring you gave me... How difficult it was... How much I...”
For a moment, it felt like someone was choking her. Emilia felt something strange rising up her throat. Her chest felt hot. To hold back the hot things that were trying to seep out through her eyelids, Emilia had to swallow dry saliva several times.
“I did it because I was scared... because I was afraid... because I was afraid that this would happen...”
As soon as she finished speaking, tears welled up in her eyes. And fear began to strangle her again.
“I hate myself. I can’t stand it anymore, and I’m saying things like this... I really can’t forgive myself...”
His cozy study had turned into the living room of Kaitlyn Meyer, whom he visited every year, and he was rushing towards her.
Emilia stared blankly at the man with a bewildered expression, completely at a loss, then turned around in a hurry.
Scared.
She was so scared she couldn't stand it. She had to run away.
Knock, knock, the sound of footsteps on marble continued from the hallway, down the stairs, and then back to the hall on the first floor.
Emilia's heart was racing frantically, and there was only one thought on her mind.
You're wrong, Charlotte.
I don't feel at ease.
How far should I forgive?
How much do I have to forgive before I'm not afraid?
Even after she got home, the shaking didn't stop.
Emilia was unable to go inside and stood under the tree where the swing was hanging.
As the autumn night deepened, she sat on the swing and listened to the chirping of the insects for a long time, and only then did her irrational fear subside.
As she was leaning her head against the rope and letting out a long breath, she heard a voice behind her.
“Sister, let’s talk.”
A sigh with a completely different meaning escaped Emilia's mouth as she recognized the owner of the voice.
“Stop it, Mitch.”
“But, sister.”
“How many times do I have to tell you before you understand? I have no intention of going to the New World and have even sent a letter of refusal to Master Malvin. That matter is settled.”
But the gaze of Mitch, blocking the way, is quite firm and stubborn.
“Then how about this?”
Emilia shut her eyes tightly as if she were tired and asked, “What is it?”
“We’re all going together.”
"...what?"
“If you’re going to turn down that great opportunity because of your family... then why don’t we all just leave together? Me, Mom, Charlotte, everyone.”
“Stop talking nonsense.”
Emilia, who had been glaring at him, tried to calm her fiery temper. She looked at her younger brother calmly. Then she began to talk about the 'royal duty' that Hardius had spoken of.
“Listen carefully, Mitch. The engagement will be declared broken off soon. And I think His Majesty the King will compensate our family in some way. Until then, it would be best to wait quietly. Do you understand?”
Emilia passed Mitch, who was frowning.
“It’s windy. Come in.”
He chewed his cheek bitterly as he looked at the empty space left by his missing sister.
Why is His Majesty the King suddenly appearing? Our family has long been forgotten by them.
First of all, Nathan Malvin clearly said he would wait a month. And half of it has already passed.
He's getting impatient. His heart feels like it's going to burst from the frustration. When dealing with someone who doesn't communicate, there's only one last option. Just ignore them.
He took something out of his pocket. It was a letter he had written for several days, racking his brain.
As soon as the sun rises tomorrow, he'll go straight into town and just mail this letter.
If his sister found out, she would probably try to kill him...
As the carriage stopped in front of Mephix's jewelry store, shop assistants lined up on both sides. The owner greeted Hardius as if he had been waiting.
“Your Excellency, welcome.”
The jeweler, who had greeted him politely, immediately turned to Grojean. The two men shook hands.
“I came to check the prepared items.”
“Yes, I was waiting anyway.”
After a while, the curtains were drawn back to reveal a marble table. The polished table was covered with jewel-encrusted ornaments.
Those dazzling jewels will soon be draped over the body of Princess Leichnen.
It was now an open secret in Nowak society that Hardy Meyer was about to break off his engagement and reunite with his former fiancée.
“Young Lady will never be disappointed.”
The jeweler looked at Hardius Meyer with a proud face.
But there was something a little strange.
The heir to the Meyer family was not overly interested in the jewels for the Princess. His cold eyes were fixed intensely somewhere on the display case.
The quick-witted jeweler immediately noticed what Hardius Meyer was so interested in. He quickly reached out to it.
There was a ring. It was a ring that was overwhelmingly more gorgeous and dazzling than anything else in the store.
“This is an Anastasia handcrafted by a craftsman from Montear.”
The camellia flower pattern had dozens of small diamonds densely embedded in the background, and in the center was a large sapphire shining beautifully.
Grojean, who was a few steps away, suddenly turned his head.
He could immediately tell what the deep blue color reminded him of, and who the owner was thinking of as he looked at the ring.
Since Emilia Bern's surprise visit two days ago, his master had become completely strange. He seemed to be barely holding back something, and the suffocating tension made it difficult to breathe next to him.
The same was true for jewelers.
He tried not to look at Prince Meyer, who had a strange expression on his face, as if he had lost his mind. Then he took out the ring with his gloved hand and showed it to him.
“Do you like it?”
A strange thing happened. Hardy Meyer's eyes were clearly fixed on the ring. Then, suddenly, he changed and said, "Well," with a cold expression on his face.
“Oh, yes. I see.”
The embarrassed jeweler coughed a few times and approached his aide.
“How are the items?”
“That’s great.”
The box containing the jewels was wrapped in the finest silk and placed on a carriage. The jeweler followed them out of the shop and bowed his head as the Mayer family carriage disappeared into a small dot.
A short while later, another carriage arrived at the jeweler's shop. The person who got out was Elier, the owner of the dress shop, whom the jeweler also knew well.
“I’ve come to buy a gift for a special guest. He is a very special person who will soon become my regular customer.”
Who is it?
I heard that an envoy from the Birmingham royal family will be arriving soon. Could this be you?
The jeweler asked calmly, pushing away his rising curiosity.
“Please tell me a little about the person who will receive the gift. I will recommend a suitable item.”
“She is a woman who will soon be twenty. She is very picky about her tastes, so I think it would be better if I just choose it myself.”
Elier walked slowly around the shelves, choosing items for a while. Then, at one point, he pointed somewhere.
“I think that would be a good idea.”
It was 'Anastasia' who had been messing with Hardius's head.
Her chest split open. The hot things that came out through the cracks made it unbearable for Emilia. The blood that poured out flowed through her blood vessels and spread warmth to her fingertips.
The man's hand ran down the cheek, lightly caressing her lips before reaching the nape of her neck.
Because of the strange glint in his eyes, she thought he might strangle her again. If he did... If he tried to do something twisted like that again, she wouldn’t stay still.
But his hands were as light and soft as feathers. Rather than grabbing the flesh fiercely, he hesitated as if he didn't know what to do, and slowly moved away.
Only then did Emilia realize that what lingered between them was pain.
What was actually coloring the man's eyes was sadness.
Hardius, dropping his arms, walked away from her. Standing by the window, staring into the darkness, he was calm again, almost believable from the roar he had just given.
Emilia lowered her head and looked down at her glass. The clear, brown liquid was quietly quivering, reflecting the lamplight.
Somewhere, with her pulse pounding in her ears, Charlotte whispered.
'Forgive me, and I will feel better.'
In that moment, another realization came to me.
'Can I really buy you with money? If I could, how much could I have?'
'I thought my heart would weaken if you stood there like a martyr. But I was wrong.'
'I swear. I will never harm Mitch Bern and your family. I will protect them with my life. I mean it.'
Every moment he said something strange, every moment he lost his judgment and came to foolish conclusions, it was because she was filled with a twisted hatred.
It wasn't just Mitch who had been growing his hatred through the Purge Squad. Emilia, too, might have been pretending to be okay, pretending that nothing was wrong, but deep down, she was filled with hatred and resentment.
It's not that she really hated that guy. She just wanted to hate him.
The compulsion to hate clouds judgment and breeds resentment and hatred.
In reality, she just hated herself.
I, so insignificant.
I still like him.
I try to forgive too easily.
And my miserable life.
The moment she faced reality, the self-reproach and self-loathing that came to her painfully changed direction and rushed fiercely toward the man named Meyer.
Ever since her father passed away, Emilia has tried her best to become a smart and capable person.
She has proven herself by having no attachment to the world of nobility, collectively known as Meyer.
She had to continue to hate without forgiving in order to prove her worth. So she continued to hate that man instead of herself.
'Forgive me, and I will feel better.'
Charlotte's voice was heard again and again.
But she was still afraid. Nothing would change even if Emilia forgave him and admitted her feelings for him.
She never wanted to be a Duchess; she wanted to live as Emilia Bern, no one else. She wanted to live happily and joyfully. In a world that would gladly accept and welcome her.
A tangled and twisted thread is not so easily unraveled.
How far should I go?
Even in the chaos, one thing was clear.
You have to be honest. You have to reveal your vague, unclear, and cowardly feelings.
Because he turned everything upside down like that.
“I, I...”
As the trembling voice echoed through the air, Hardius turned his head. His eyes, which had become indifferent as if nothing had happened, pierced her heart.
“I’m not leaving for the New World. I already declined a few days ago. I have no intention of meeting any man, including Nathan Malvin.”
His broad shoulders, which had not moved at all, shook ever so slightly.
“I... have never been in love with a man in the past five years... no, since I was born. Except for one.”
As soon as she finished speaking, her determination disappeared, and fear set in. She had to muster up all her courage to open her mouth again.
“Oh, it wasn’t something like affection or friendship. I was just too scared... so scared that I couldn’t even dare to say it out loud...”
The image contained a man with a blank expression, as if he couldn't understand what was being said due to his blurred vision. Emilia held her trembling hand and continued her difficult confession.
“Do you know what I’ve been like for the past five years? I’ve been imagining things alone, laughing alone, feeling frustrated alone, and hoping alone.”
“Emilia...”
“I loved it so much that I couldn’t even speak, so much that I could barely breathe.”
The moment she spoke out loud, everything she thought was dead came back to life in an instant, sweeping her into the storm.
Yeah, I forgot. I thought I had completely gotten rid of it.
Memories of a heart that pounded and fondly remembered just by meeting eyes with a man who sparkled like a star...
I liked him so much.
“I... had no choice but to return the ring you gave me... How difficult it was... How much I...”
For a moment, it felt like someone was choking her. Emilia felt something strange rising up her throat. Her chest felt hot. To hold back the hot things that were trying to seep out through her eyelids, Emilia had to swallow dry saliva several times.
“I did it because I was scared... because I was afraid... because I was afraid that this would happen...”
As soon as she finished speaking, tears welled up in her eyes. And fear began to strangle her again.
“I hate myself. I can’t stand it anymore, and I’m saying things like this... I really can’t forgive myself...”
His cozy study had turned into the living room of Kaitlyn Meyer, whom he visited every year, and he was rushing towards her.
Emilia stared blankly at the man with a bewildered expression, completely at a loss, then turned around in a hurry.
Scared.
She was so scared she couldn't stand it. She had to run away.
Knock, knock, the sound of footsteps on marble continued from the hallway, down the stairs, and then back to the hall on the first floor.
Emilia's heart was racing frantically, and there was only one thought on her mind.
You're wrong, Charlotte.
I don't feel at ease.
How far should I forgive?
How much do I have to forgive before I'm not afraid?
***
Even after she got home, the shaking didn't stop.
Emilia was unable to go inside and stood under the tree where the swing was hanging.
As the autumn night deepened, she sat on the swing and listened to the chirping of the insects for a long time, and only then did her irrational fear subside.
As she was leaning her head against the rope and letting out a long breath, she heard a voice behind her.
“Sister, let’s talk.”
A sigh with a completely different meaning escaped Emilia's mouth as she recognized the owner of the voice.
“Stop it, Mitch.”
“But, sister.”
“How many times do I have to tell you before you understand? I have no intention of going to the New World and have even sent a letter of refusal to Master Malvin. That matter is settled.”
But the gaze of Mitch, blocking the way, is quite firm and stubborn.
“Then how about this?”
Emilia shut her eyes tightly as if she were tired and asked, “What is it?”
“We’re all going together.”
"...what?"
“If you’re going to turn down that great opportunity because of your family... then why don’t we all just leave together? Me, Mom, Charlotte, everyone.”
“Stop talking nonsense.”
Emilia, who had been glaring at him, tried to calm her fiery temper. She looked at her younger brother calmly. Then she began to talk about the 'royal duty' that Hardius had spoken of.
“Listen carefully, Mitch. The engagement will be declared broken off soon. And I think His Majesty the King will compensate our family in some way. Until then, it would be best to wait quietly. Do you understand?”
Emilia passed Mitch, who was frowning.
“It’s windy. Come in.”
He chewed his cheek bitterly as he looked at the empty space left by his missing sister.
Why is His Majesty the King suddenly appearing? Our family has long been forgotten by them.
First of all, Nathan Malvin clearly said he would wait a month. And half of it has already passed.
He's getting impatient. His heart feels like it's going to burst from the frustration. When dealing with someone who doesn't communicate, there's only one last option. Just ignore them.
He took something out of his pocket. It was a letter he had written for several days, racking his brain.
As soon as the sun rises tomorrow, he'll go straight into town and just mail this letter.
If his sister found out, she would probably try to kill him...
***
As the carriage stopped in front of Mephix's jewelry store, shop assistants lined up on both sides. The owner greeted Hardius as if he had been waiting.
“Your Excellency, welcome.”
The jeweler, who had greeted him politely, immediately turned to Grojean. The two men shook hands.
“I came to check the prepared items.”
“Yes, I was waiting anyway.”
After a while, the curtains were drawn back to reveal a marble table. The polished table was covered with jewel-encrusted ornaments.
Those dazzling jewels will soon be draped over the body of Princess Leichnen.
It was now an open secret in Nowak society that Hardy Meyer was about to break off his engagement and reunite with his former fiancée.
“Young Lady will never be disappointed.”
The jeweler looked at Hardius Meyer with a proud face.
But there was something a little strange.
The heir to the Meyer family was not overly interested in the jewels for the Princess. His cold eyes were fixed intensely somewhere on the display case.
The quick-witted jeweler immediately noticed what Hardius Meyer was so interested in. He quickly reached out to it.
There was a ring. It was a ring that was overwhelmingly more gorgeous and dazzling than anything else in the store.
“This is an Anastasia handcrafted by a craftsman from Montear.”
The camellia flower pattern had dozens of small diamonds densely embedded in the background, and in the center was a large sapphire shining beautifully.
Grojean, who was a few steps away, suddenly turned his head.
He could immediately tell what the deep blue color reminded him of, and who the owner was thinking of as he looked at the ring.
Since Emilia Bern's surprise visit two days ago, his master had become completely strange. He seemed to be barely holding back something, and the suffocating tension made it difficult to breathe next to him.
The same was true for jewelers.
He tried not to look at Prince Meyer, who had a strange expression on his face, as if he had lost his mind. Then he took out the ring with his gloved hand and showed it to him.
“Do you like it?”
A strange thing happened. Hardy Meyer's eyes were clearly fixed on the ring. Then, suddenly, he changed and said, "Well," with a cold expression on his face.
“Oh, yes. I see.”
The embarrassed jeweler coughed a few times and approached his aide.
“How are the items?”
“That’s great.”
The box containing the jewels was wrapped in the finest silk and placed on a carriage. The jeweler followed them out of the shop and bowed his head as the Mayer family carriage disappeared into a small dot.
A short while later, another carriage arrived at the jeweler's shop. The person who got out was Elier, the owner of the dress shop, whom the jeweler also knew well.
“I’ve come to buy a gift for a special guest. He is a very special person who will soon become my regular customer.”
Who is it?
I heard that an envoy from the Birmingham royal family will be arriving soon. Could this be you?
The jeweler asked calmly, pushing away his rising curiosity.
“Please tell me a little about the person who will receive the gift. I will recommend a suitable item.”
“She is a woman who will soon be twenty. She is very picky about her tastes, so I think it would be better if I just choose it myself.”
Elier walked slowly around the shelves, choosing items for a while. Then, at one point, he pointed somewhere.
“I think that would be a good idea.”
It was 'Anastasia' who had been messing with Hardius's head.
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