"Sorry."
Else felt sorry for her son, who had grown up so well. It was not simply because she was tired that she had not taken care of the child who was left behind... It was because Abelard resembled Sibyl, just as Hermione resembled her. She hated that father, and she hated the son who resembled him.
It was unforgivable. If she had been a good mother, she would not have been so irresponsible. She had experienced enough to make her child feel ashamed of someone, so why did she do it? Why was she so unwise?
“Maaaa-”
Abelard felt Else's wet cheek, making a sound like he was looking for milk. Gelda, who happened to be bringing out tea, noticed her and ran towards her, frozen in place.
“Your Highness! What is the matter?”
She stared at the woman running towards her in panic. Else turned her gaze away from her.
“Nothing happened.”
“You don’t look so good. And you’re crying too...”
“It was like that originally.”
"But..."
"I'm fine."
Gelda pursed her lips. A hardened expression appeared on her white face. Abelard pursed his small lips. Else looked at her son quietly and then raised her head.
“Your face does not look well, Your Highness.”
The woman who asked carefully had truly pitiful eyes.
“I heard you haven’t been able to sleep since you came down to Idun. Is that true?”
Her eyelids fluttered. Else pulled away from her closed lips and felt Abelard’s plump lips. Sybil came to mind. When she was breastfeeding Abelard, she couldn’t help but think of Sybil. Her heart ached, and her baby felt like it was being squeezed and oozing pus. She narrowed her eyebrows as if holding back a moan and stroked her son’s round forehead. When she saw Abelard sucking her breast, she thought of the man who had bitten her skin.
Was it because it had been so long since they had seen each other? Was it because they were so far apart that they missed each other so much? Else dreamed of him every day. When she closed her eyes, the man in front of her seemed to be alive, caressing her and kissing her lips. Sometimes he would say harsh words, and sometimes he would whisper sweet words of love. Else hugged him and cried because she liked him so much.
When he was right in front of her, she couldn't help but do things she wouldn't do. And when she opened her eyes, there was nothing. Her son, who hadn't even been weaned. She hated herself for thinking of the outline of a man as she watched her son desperately swallowing milk to fill his hungry stomach.
Sibyl must have sent Sienna away for her own peace. That was once her wish. That was all she wanted. And yet...
"Your Highness."
“It’s okay. I don’t need to worry about it.”
“Would you like to meet with the doctor? If you need to, I have an acquaintance from Siena...”
Suddenly, she felt dizzy. Else lowered her head for a moment and closed her eyes. Else, who held her breath for a moment due to the heavy headache, curled her fingers. She felt nauseous and broke out in a cold sweat. Gelda, who had stopped talking, came close to Else.
“Your Highness, your complexion is...”
She bit her lip. It was true that she hadn't slept properly for several days. So, because of the dreams... The dreams were the problem. In the dream, Else stroked Sybil for a long time, and their bodies were intertwined. When they looked into each other's eyes, their breaths were heated and entangled, and she woke up. When she checked the time, it was always only a few hours after she had fallen asleep.
It was miserable. It's always been like this since shr left Siena...
“I'm going to stop now.”
“Yes, then.”
“You must have worked hard because of me, but I feel bad...”
Else held her son in her arms and spoke in a feeble voice, looking down at the table. The tea and scones she had prepared were all about to be thrown away.
“Don’t worry, we’ll eat this among ourselves.”
Gelda answered with a warm voice. Else smiled faintly in apology and quickly moved away. Gelda sighed as she looked at the woman’s back, which seemed to be sinking because even the sunlight was burdensome.
Back at the castle, she slept and woke up for half a day. In between waking up, she changed Abelard’s diaper and breastfed him. The baby spit up and whined several times because the milk wasn’t coming in well. Gelda said that the baby was probably irritated because the milk was empty. Although she didn’t say it directly, it seemed like she was pointing out that Else wasn’t eating properly.
Else didn't argue and just ate a little more dinner. That was a valid point. She couldn't risk the other one when she had already lost her child because she wasn't a good mother.
However, eating was very difficult. Else was originally a picky eater and did not eat much food except sweets. And recently, even sweets were not going into her mouth well. Even small fruits were difficult to chew. However, she could not starve Abel. She thought of her son who bit the nipple, licked his chin, and then spat it out. Small water droplets were hanging from the baby’s eyes as he whined until he gasped for breath. It was a moment when her heart ached with guilt.
In the end, she had half a meal of soft bread with butter and fig jam and half a meal of turkey for dinner. Shd heard from Gelda that she didn't eat as well as other mothers, but this was the best she could do. In the end, she asked her aunt to find her a nanny and went to bed early.
And then she met Sibyl. In a dream as clear as life, Sibyl was a strong and sharp man. The man, as cold as a sharp sword, smiled faintly when he found Else and approached her. He was wearing a shirt, which was unusual for a King. He had two buttons undone and his sleeves rolled up, and he looked healthy and cheerful. He approached Else and called her 'Miss.'
Else stared at him blankly, staring at the bouquet of flowers in his large hands. The sky-blue flowers that he had picked without thinking were refreshing. Only then did she recall a certain summer. The wide fields, the cool-flowing river. The season when the wind and shade were beautiful.
The day when her heart pounded so hard she thought it would burst. The cheeks that flushed bright red in front of the servant were the color of ripe apples. It was the time when she loved him without shame. It was the story of the time when she would do anything to catch his eye and receive even the briefest of favors.
Else's love was rotting away in those days, unable to flow. Hatred was building up layer by layer on her festering heart, and it could no longer be called love... That heart, that affection...
Tears flowed down her cheeks. Sibyl glanced down at the bouquet she had refused to accept. His faint smile was fading. Else burst into tears as she looked at him. Then she ran to him and hit him in the chest.
Bad kid. Dirty kid. You, you... I...
'I miss you.'
Her heart pounded hard, and her lips moved. Sybil kissed her affectionately and hugged her. Her heart pounded. Else opened her eyes.
“Your Highness! Your Highness!”
Gelda shook her. Else looked at the maid, who was shaking weakly. The maid was holding her forehead, and her face turned pale. For a moment, she let out a cough. The wind had only cooled down a little. But did she have a cold? Her body was incredibly weak.
But she doesn't think she was this sick in Siena... There were times when she collapsed from shock, but she was never in pain this long. Maybe it was because she thought she had to somehow gather her strength and protect herself and the babies from Sibyl.
Else rubbed her eyes with her sleeve. Her vision was still blurry. Cold sweat soaked the back of her neck. Her whole body was sticky. She couldn't move because her body hurt. Shr couldn't even turn over. Else was groaning.
"Your Highness."
“It’s okay. Often...”
“It’s not okay!”
Else felt sorry for her son, who had grown up so well. It was not simply because she was tired that she had not taken care of the child who was left behind... It was because Abelard resembled Sibyl, just as Hermione resembled her. She hated that father, and she hated the son who resembled him.
It was unforgivable. If she had been a good mother, she would not have been so irresponsible. She had experienced enough to make her child feel ashamed of someone, so why did she do it? Why was she so unwise?
“Maaaa-”
Abelard felt Else's wet cheek, making a sound like he was looking for milk. Gelda, who happened to be bringing out tea, noticed her and ran towards her, frozen in place.
“Your Highness! What is the matter?”
She stared at the woman running towards her in panic. Else turned her gaze away from her.
“Nothing happened.”
“You don’t look so good. And you’re crying too...”
“It was like that originally.”
"But..."
"I'm fine."
Gelda pursed her lips. A hardened expression appeared on her white face. Abelard pursed his small lips. Else looked at her son quietly and then raised her head.
“Your face does not look well, Your Highness.”
The woman who asked carefully had truly pitiful eyes.
“I heard you haven’t been able to sleep since you came down to Idun. Is that true?”
Her eyelids fluttered. Else pulled away from her closed lips and felt Abelard’s plump lips. Sybil came to mind. When she was breastfeeding Abelard, she couldn’t help but think of Sybil. Her heart ached, and her baby felt like it was being squeezed and oozing pus. She narrowed her eyebrows as if holding back a moan and stroked her son’s round forehead. When she saw Abelard sucking her breast, she thought of the man who had bitten her skin.
Was it because it had been so long since they had seen each other? Was it because they were so far apart that they missed each other so much? Else dreamed of him every day. When she closed her eyes, the man in front of her seemed to be alive, caressing her and kissing her lips. Sometimes he would say harsh words, and sometimes he would whisper sweet words of love. Else hugged him and cried because she liked him so much.
When he was right in front of her, she couldn't help but do things she wouldn't do. And when she opened her eyes, there was nothing. Her son, who hadn't even been weaned. She hated herself for thinking of the outline of a man as she watched her son desperately swallowing milk to fill his hungry stomach.
Sibyl must have sent Sienna away for her own peace. That was once her wish. That was all she wanted. And yet...
"Your Highness."
“It’s okay. I don’t need to worry about it.”
“Would you like to meet with the doctor? If you need to, I have an acquaintance from Siena...”
Suddenly, she felt dizzy. Else lowered her head for a moment and closed her eyes. Else, who held her breath for a moment due to the heavy headache, curled her fingers. She felt nauseous and broke out in a cold sweat. Gelda, who had stopped talking, came close to Else.
“Your Highness, your complexion is...”
She bit her lip. It was true that she hadn't slept properly for several days. So, because of the dreams... The dreams were the problem. In the dream, Else stroked Sybil for a long time, and their bodies were intertwined. When they looked into each other's eyes, their breaths were heated and entangled, and she woke up. When she checked the time, it was always only a few hours after she had fallen asleep.
It was miserable. It's always been like this since shr left Siena...
“I'm going to stop now.”
“Yes, then.”
“You must have worked hard because of me, but I feel bad...”
Else held her son in her arms and spoke in a feeble voice, looking down at the table. The tea and scones she had prepared were all about to be thrown away.
“Don’t worry, we’ll eat this among ourselves.”
Gelda answered with a warm voice. Else smiled faintly in apology and quickly moved away. Gelda sighed as she looked at the woman’s back, which seemed to be sinking because even the sunlight was burdensome.
***
Back at the castle, she slept and woke up for half a day. In between waking up, she changed Abelard’s diaper and breastfed him. The baby spit up and whined several times because the milk wasn’t coming in well. Gelda said that the baby was probably irritated because the milk was empty. Although she didn’t say it directly, it seemed like she was pointing out that Else wasn’t eating properly.
Else didn't argue and just ate a little more dinner. That was a valid point. She couldn't risk the other one when she had already lost her child because she wasn't a good mother.
However, eating was very difficult. Else was originally a picky eater and did not eat much food except sweets. And recently, even sweets were not going into her mouth well. Even small fruits were difficult to chew. However, she could not starve Abel. She thought of her son who bit the nipple, licked his chin, and then spat it out. Small water droplets were hanging from the baby’s eyes as he whined until he gasped for breath. It was a moment when her heart ached with guilt.
In the end, she had half a meal of soft bread with butter and fig jam and half a meal of turkey for dinner. Shd heard from Gelda that she didn't eat as well as other mothers, but this was the best she could do. In the end, she asked her aunt to find her a nanny and went to bed early.
And then she met Sibyl. In a dream as clear as life, Sibyl was a strong and sharp man. The man, as cold as a sharp sword, smiled faintly when he found Else and approached her. He was wearing a shirt, which was unusual for a King. He had two buttons undone and his sleeves rolled up, and he looked healthy and cheerful. He approached Else and called her 'Miss.'
Else stared at him blankly, staring at the bouquet of flowers in his large hands. The sky-blue flowers that he had picked without thinking were refreshing. Only then did she recall a certain summer. The wide fields, the cool-flowing river. The season when the wind and shade were beautiful.
The day when her heart pounded so hard she thought it would burst. The cheeks that flushed bright red in front of the servant were the color of ripe apples. It was the time when she loved him without shame. It was the story of the time when she would do anything to catch his eye and receive even the briefest of favors.
Else's love was rotting away in those days, unable to flow. Hatred was building up layer by layer on her festering heart, and it could no longer be called love... That heart, that affection...
Tears flowed down her cheeks. Sibyl glanced down at the bouquet she had refused to accept. His faint smile was fading. Else burst into tears as she looked at him. Then she ran to him and hit him in the chest.
Bad kid. Dirty kid. You, you... I...
Words that couldn’t flow. Confessions that couldn’t be vomited out and festered. Countless things curled up under her tongue stirred Else.
Why are you so cruel? Why is your love so cruel? Why to me, how much I..
The hand that was hitting his chest with a small fist stopped. Else looked up, staring at the wrist that the man was holding. Sybil pulled her close. Else held her breath, holding her breath helplessly held in his arms. She trembled. She closed her eyes and received his kiss. Her forehead, the bridge of her nose, her upper lip... The soft and warm touch of her flesh was strange. Else felt his lips with her eyes closed.
The fever began to rise from the tips of her feet. Her skin ached as the wind blew. Even when she had a bad cold, her whole body ached like this. Else held onto his collar tightly, not wanting to open her eyes. Sibyl held the delphinium to her chest.
'I don't hate you.'
She opened her eyes. Else looked at the bouquet of flowers she held in her arms. A blue sky with a hint of purple. Pure and fresh... Else stared at him, sobbing slightly. The beautiful man was smiling brightly at her.
If only she had told him that back then... If only she had just told him that she loved him. Else had expressed her love for him countless times. That she thought she would die. If only she could, she would show him her heart that beats for him.
The hand that was hitting his chest with a small fist stopped. Else looked up, staring at the wrist that the man was holding. Sybil pulled her close. Else held her breath, holding her breath helplessly held in his arms. She trembled. She closed her eyes and received his kiss. Her forehead, the bridge of her nose, her upper lip... The soft and warm touch of her flesh was strange. Else felt his lips with her eyes closed.
The fever began to rise from the tips of her feet. Her skin ached as the wind blew. Even when she had a bad cold, her whole body ached like this. Else held onto his collar tightly, not wanting to open her eyes. Sibyl held the delphinium to her chest.
'I don't hate you.'
She opened her eyes. Else looked at the bouquet of flowers she held in her arms. A blue sky with a hint of purple. Pure and fresh... Else stared at him, sobbing slightly. The beautiful man was smiling brightly at her.
If only she had told him that back then... If only she had just told him that she loved him. Else had expressed her love for him countless times. That she thought she would die. If only she could, she would show him her heart that beats for him.
'I miss you.'
Her heart pounded hard, and her lips moved. Sybil kissed her affectionately and hugged her. Her heart pounded. Else opened her eyes.
“Your Highness! Your Highness!”
Gelda shook her. Else looked at the maid, who was shaking weakly. The maid was holding her forehead, and her face turned pale. For a moment, she let out a cough. The wind had only cooled down a little. But did she have a cold? Her body was incredibly weak.
But she doesn't think she was this sick in Siena... There were times when she collapsed from shock, but she was never in pain this long. Maybe it was because she thought she had to somehow gather her strength and protect herself and the babies from Sibyl.
Else rubbed her eyes with her sleeve. Her vision was still blurry. Cold sweat soaked the back of her neck. Her whole body was sticky. She couldn't move because her body hurt. Shr couldn't even turn over. Else was groaning.
"Your Highness."
“It’s okay. Often...”
“It’s not okay!”
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