Else picked up the knife that had fallen on the floor. She was about to stab him in the stomach without thinking, but a large hand grabbed her hand tightly. Else looked up at him in surprise. She had not expected the man who cut his wrist to have such strength.
"...Please."
“Ugh, ugh, ugh...”
“I was wrong.”
The man with cold sweat groped Else's eyes. Else cried endlessly. She wanted to stop. She wanted to stop everything and bury her face in Sibyl's chest.
“It’s all your fault. You, you! Our daughter. Our Hermi... Ah, oh, oh! Our daughter was there! Me in front of our daughter! Me!”
“I’m sorry, Else. I was wrong. Please. Don’t forgive me. You don’t have to forgive me. It’s okay if you don’t love me. It’s okay if you don’t accept me.”
Else, who had been sobbing, buried her face in his chest. Sybil ripped the knife from her hand and threw it far out of reach. Sybil held her in his arms and patted her back. Else hated that touch terribly, but also found it comforting and sweet. The calm echo of the pat on her back. Affectionate whispers. Humming for forgiveness...
'Mom...'
It was Hermi. Else looked at the child quietly. Hermi was also looking at her with a very still gaze. Her innocent and pure eyes were as beautiful as the color of the sky. Hermi walked toward her, just as she had in her dreams before.
A faint chill ran up her toes. Else sat down and waited for the child to come closer. A chubby hand wiped Else’s eyes. Her cheeks were wet, but she didn’t even know they were wet. Hermi. My baby... The area under her eyes twitched and warmed.
'Mom, don't cry.'
Her daughter whispered affectionately. Tears eventually welled up and poured out. Else hugged her daughter’s small body. Her pink hair, which resembled Else’s, tickled her. She wanted to say that she was sorry. That Mom couldn’t protect you... That she gave birth to you in pain, and that she sent you away in pain. All of these were sins that could not be repaid. But the greatest sin, the greatest sin she could not wash away, was the sin of loving your father... That one, that one...
'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Mom... Mom...'
'Mom...'
Hermi licked her lips as if she had something to say. However, she only licked her cute lips and said, “Mom.” Else stroked her daughter’s small head and looked down at the child. Hermi, who had been staring at her, pressed her lips to Else’s wet cheek. Else smiled weakly. Hermi, who had been looking up at her with gentle eyes, smiled faintly.
'I'll go.'
Where... The child nuzzled her chest. Then she slowly closed her eyes. The child turned into bubbles and dispersed. It was a very brief moment.
The season when the cold wind steals away the heat that used to burn the day has returned. They said Else had lost consciousness. She had closed her eyes in the arms of the King, who had cut his wrists for two days. Else looked back at Jules. The woman, who was stiff with anger, clenched her fists. Else looked away from her. Hermi was vague. The feeling of her hair flowing between her fingers was vivid, as if it were real. That was why it was more painful. That child was no longer in this world. The moment she lost that child, the events after losing that child... Things that should have been nightmares were all real.
“How’s your body? How’s your neck? Can you talk now?”
Jules asked, suppressing the anger that was squeaking out.
"It's okay."
Else nodded as she looked at her with a dry face. Sybil’s wrist appeared above Hermi’s hazy afterimage. The blood that had been gushing out from between the split skin overlapped the thin, small afterimage of the child.
“I'll bring you some food.”
“What about Sibyl?”
She stared at Jules with a cold, hardened face. Jules just looked at her blankly. Her face was overflowing with innumerable emotions. Even without saying a word, she could feel how much Jules despised her. A face that asked if she had to go that far. However, Else had never wanted to be understood.
Because Jules would never know what happened to her when she lost her daughter and sent her away. The ten months she lived as a mother. The time she risked her life to hold and protect that child. And so, the moment she lived as a mother lasted only a month. If Sybil hadn't ripped the child away from her, Else might have seen the moment when Hermi grew up and called her 'mother.' However... That child would not return now. She had gone to a place from which there was no return.
So to Else, Sybil was a crueler and harsher man than Milliem. She protected her daughter from Milliem, but she could not protect her daughter from the man who was her father.
"Curious?"
Jules asked. It was cold snow with ice floating on it. Else clutched the hem of her blanket.
“You’re curious even though you hate him so much?”
Else glared at Jules. Unlike her lips, which were cold and low, her eyes were faintly fluttering. Jules, whose eyebrows were furrowed, quivered his lips. Else dropped her gaze.
“...I can’t die, and I can’t get out.”
Else hummed dryly. Jules flinched and shook her shoulders. Else didn’t look up. She rubbed the air and counted the letters of the word ‘death.’ Else wanted Sybil dead, so she went to him with a knife. And without hesitation, she cut his wrist.
She felt like he could die for her. But when she saw Sibyl dying, she was afraid. She doesn't know why she was afraid. Even now, she wishes he would die. She just can't forgive him... She resents him for not letting her die or letting her go, and every day she wishes he would disappear. She wishes he would meet a painful end.
Else thought about it dozens, hundreds of times a day. But the moment she saw the severed blood vessels and the gaping skin, she felt a chill that made her hair stand on end and made her shiver from head to toe. She remembered the time when she held onto his arm, which was dripping blood, and trembled.
It was unforgivably disgusting. It seemed like she still loved him. It seemed like she still had feelings for him even after being treated like that. She had lost Hermi like that... She had sent her away like that. Was there anything left after being treated like that? Else couldn’t forgive herself. It would have been better to kill herself than love him.
'Perhaps...'
Yes, maybe it would be better for them both to disappear from the world. Without leaving a trace. If the one who had always blocked her from walking to death were to lie down in a glass coffin next to her... If they were to leave the world together...
"...Please."
“Ugh, ugh, ugh...”
“I was wrong.”
The man with cold sweat groped Else's eyes. Else cried endlessly. She wanted to stop. She wanted to stop everything and bury her face in Sibyl's chest.
“It’s all your fault. You, you! Our daughter. Our Hermi... Ah, oh, oh! Our daughter was there! Me in front of our daughter! Me!”
“I’m sorry, Else. I was wrong. Please. Don’t forgive me. You don’t have to forgive me. It’s okay if you don’t love me. It’s okay if you don’t accept me.”
Else, who had been sobbing, buried her face in his chest. Sybil ripped the knife from her hand and threw it far out of reach. Sybil held her in his arms and patted her back. Else hated that touch terribly, but also found it comforting and sweet. The calm echo of the pat on her back. Affectionate whispers. Humming for forgiveness...
She closed her eyes. She wanted to go somewhere far away where she could hear nothing and see nothing.
***
'Mom...'
It was Hermi. Else looked at the child quietly. Hermi was also looking at her with a very still gaze. Her innocent and pure eyes were as beautiful as the color of the sky. Hermi walked toward her, just as she had in her dreams before.
A faint chill ran up her toes. Else sat down and waited for the child to come closer. A chubby hand wiped Else’s eyes. Her cheeks were wet, but she didn’t even know they were wet. Hermi. My baby... The area under her eyes twitched and warmed.
'Mom, don't cry.'
Her daughter whispered affectionately. Tears eventually welled up and poured out. Else hugged her daughter’s small body. Her pink hair, which resembled Else’s, tickled her. She wanted to say that she was sorry. That Mom couldn’t protect you... That she gave birth to you in pain, and that she sent you away in pain. All of these were sins that could not be repaid. But the greatest sin, the greatest sin she could not wash away, was the sin of loving your father... That one, that one...
'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Mom... Mom...'
'Mom...'
Hermi licked her lips as if she had something to say. However, she only licked her cute lips and said, “Mom.” Else stroked her daughter’s small head and looked down at the child. Hermi, who had been staring at her, pressed her lips to Else’s wet cheek. Else smiled weakly. Hermi, who had been looking up at her with gentle eyes, smiled faintly.
'I'll go.'
Where... The child nuzzled her chest. Then she slowly closed her eyes. The child turned into bubbles and dispersed. It was a very brief moment.
***
The season when the cold wind steals away the heat that used to burn the day has returned. They said Else had lost consciousness. She had closed her eyes in the arms of the King, who had cut his wrists for two days. Else looked back at Jules. The woman, who was stiff with anger, clenched her fists. Else looked away from her. Hermi was vague. The feeling of her hair flowing between her fingers was vivid, as if it were real. That was why it was more painful. That child was no longer in this world. The moment she lost that child, the events after losing that child... Things that should have been nightmares were all real.
“How’s your body? How’s your neck? Can you talk now?”
Jules asked, suppressing the anger that was squeaking out.
"It's okay."
Else nodded as she looked at her with a dry face. Sybil’s wrist appeared above Hermi’s hazy afterimage. The blood that had been gushing out from between the split skin overlapped the thin, small afterimage of the child.
“I'll bring you some food.”
“What about Sibyl?”
She stared at Jules with a cold, hardened face. Jules just looked at her blankly. Her face was overflowing with innumerable emotions. Even without saying a word, she could feel how much Jules despised her. A face that asked if she had to go that far. However, Else had never wanted to be understood.
Because Jules would never know what happened to her when she lost her daughter and sent her away. The ten months she lived as a mother. The time she risked her life to hold and protect that child. And so, the moment she lived as a mother lasted only a month. If Sybil hadn't ripped the child away from her, Else might have seen the moment when Hermi grew up and called her 'mother.' However... That child would not return now. She had gone to a place from which there was no return.
So to Else, Sybil was a crueler and harsher man than Milliem. She protected her daughter from Milliem, but she could not protect her daughter from the man who was her father.
"Curious?"
Jules asked. It was cold snow with ice floating on it. Else clutched the hem of her blanket.
“You’re curious even though you hate him so much?”
Else glared at Jules. Unlike her lips, which were cold and low, her eyes were faintly fluttering. Jules, whose eyebrows were furrowed, quivered his lips. Else dropped her gaze.
“...I can’t die, and I can’t get out.”
Else hummed dryly. Jules flinched and shook her shoulders. Else didn’t look up. She rubbed the air and counted the letters of the word ‘death.’ Else wanted Sybil dead, so she went to him with a knife. And without hesitation, she cut his wrist.
She felt like he could die for her. But when she saw Sibyl dying, she was afraid. She doesn't know why she was afraid. Even now, she wishes he would die. She just can't forgive him... She resents him for not letting her die or letting her go, and every day she wishes he would disappear. She wishes he would meet a painful end.
Else thought about it dozens, hundreds of times a day. But the moment she saw the severed blood vessels and the gaping skin, she felt a chill that made her hair stand on end and made her shiver from head to toe. She remembered the time when she held onto his arm, which was dripping blood, and trembled.
It was unforgivably disgusting. It seemed like she still loved him. It seemed like she still had feelings for him even after being treated like that. She had lost Hermi like that... She had sent her away like that. Was there anything left after being treated like that? Else couldn’t forgive herself. It would have been better to kill herself than love him.
'Perhaps...'
Yes, maybe it would be better for them both to disappear from the world. Without leaving a trace. If the one who had always blocked her from walking to death were to lie down in a glass coffin next to her... If they were to leave the world together...
She bit her lip. She didn’t want to live anymore. It was a life that was neither living nor dying. It had always been like that since she lost her daughter. She had either wished for Sybil’s death or her own death. Every day, Jules talked about what she had to survive and take care of.
You have to protect Abelard. Are you willing to lose him, too?
'I wish that were true.'
Please, please, she wished she would regain the strength to protect Abelard. She would look at him, look around him... and return to a life she could love. She wished she could regain the strength to love and support him. There were times when she wished for death, but she wanted to find a peaceful life.
But if that kind of life was a life of loving Sibyl, she didn't like it. If that kind of life was like that, she would rather destroy it with her own hands, burn it, and erase it without a trace.
“What are you thinking about?”
Jules asked. Her face seemed tense with a gloomy expression. Else quickly changed her expression and stood up. She admired the yellow sunlight shining through the window.
“His Majesty?”
“He's okay.”
Alexander answered Jules' question. Anger was frozen in his dry face. Jules turned away so as not to provoke that emotion. It was ominous from the moment Else left the villa. But Jules didn't know she was carrying a knife.
When welcoming a King, it was a formality to first conduct a physical examination. However, Else was an exception in many cases. So even if she had threatened the King two days ago, she was an exception as always. However, the knights and vassals had different views.
“We need to educate the concubine.”
Jules was about to turn around and leave, but Alexander stopped her. Jules didn’t know what to say. Jules knew. She couldn’t leave Else alone. She couldn’t let her continue to be shackled by her emotions, disregarding the etiquette and procedures of the palace, and threatening the King. After all, the King was the King. There was such a thing as a gaze. Even if the King said it was okay, even if the King tolerated and embraced all her impure attempts and impure acts, the King was the King.
His subjects were not okay. They knew that what happened to Else was serious. That was why they had endured it all until now. Else was the King's woman. The King was supreme and incomprehensible. His existence supported and protected the system of this kingdom.
So the King was powerful, the era, and no different from a god. To a man who was an absolute power protected by the church and the people...
You have to protect Abelard. Are you willing to lose him, too?
'I wish that were true.'
Please, please, she wished she would regain the strength to protect Abelard. She would look at him, look around him... and return to a life she could love. She wished she could regain the strength to love and support him. There were times when she wished for death, but she wanted to find a peaceful life.
But if that kind of life was a life of loving Sibyl, she didn't like it. If that kind of life was like that, she would rather destroy it with her own hands, burn it, and erase it without a trace.
“What are you thinking about?”
Jules asked. Her face seemed tense with a gloomy expression. Else quickly changed her expression and stood up. She admired the yellow sunlight shining through the window.
***
“His Majesty?”
“He's okay.”
Alexander answered Jules' question. Anger was frozen in his dry face. Jules turned away so as not to provoke that emotion. It was ominous from the moment Else left the villa. But Jules didn't know she was carrying a knife.
When welcoming a King, it was a formality to first conduct a physical examination. However, Else was an exception in many cases. So even if she had threatened the King two days ago, she was an exception as always. However, the knights and vassals had different views.
“We need to educate the concubine.”
Jules was about to turn around and leave, but Alexander stopped her. Jules didn’t know what to say. Jules knew. She couldn’t leave Else alone. She couldn’t let her continue to be shackled by her emotions, disregarding the etiquette and procedures of the palace, and threatening the King. After all, the King was the King. There was such a thing as a gaze. Even if the King said it was okay, even if the King tolerated and embraced all her impure attempts and impure acts, the King was the King.
His subjects were not okay. They knew that what happened to Else was serious. That was why they had endured it all until now. Else was the King's woman. The King was supreme and incomprehensible. His existence supported and protected the system of this kingdom.
So the King was powerful, the era, and no different from a god. To a man who was an absolute power protected by the church and the people...
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