As I picked up the fifth book, I looked up. Veronica, sitting in the chair opposite me, was sitting upright, absorbed in an incredibly thick book.
I glanced at Veronica's face, my chin still resting on my hand, flapping the paper. I could see the determined passion in her concentrated face. My thoughts naturally drifted back to a few days ago.
“It was in this desperate way that I wanted to become Emperor.”
I understood it as soon as I heard it. More desperately than ever.
“It is more unpleasant that Your Highness takes pity on me and looks after me.”
"But..."
"Honestly, I know that you won this time because you were lucky."
I couldn't find a way to respond to that, so I kept my mouth shut, and her expression softened.
“The next competition will be difficult for Your Highness to win even if you give it your all, and if I lose, I will have to find another way.”
"..."
"It's just a story like that, so don't pay any attention to me."
I realized that she was an amazing woman. She was a strong person.
If I had been abused since I was a child for just one goal, I would never have done it.
Suddenly, I looked down at my hands holding the book. I felt like a racehorse that had lost its goal after running without thinking.
The suspicion that I wasn't Anastasia had become a habit, a dull routine that I had been pushed into.
First, because of my firm belief that I could not possibly be the real Princess, secondly, for money, and thirdly, to secure a safe escape route while maintaining a minimum level of trust...
I looked into my feelings as if I was looking at an unfamiliar object. When was it? When did my actions, which were close to holding on, start to be sincere?
To bare the very bottom of it all, damn it, I still wanted to find my family. I wanted to cling to even the slightest glimmer of hope.
What this meant was that the possibility that I might really be the Princess was starting to feel like more than just a possibility.
But I was a person who grew up in the slums, and my soul was engraved with the daily routine of being deprived rather than enjoying it. It would be hard to believe that I was just the secret child of a northern merchant, so to believe that I was the Princess...
If I naively believed everything I had, and then the real Princess Anastasia appeared later, then all of this would no longer be mine.
By then, I will probably be a cripple who will have difficulty even breathing again.
All my life, I will wish to be treated like a Princess even though I am not one, and even when I become a lowly back-alley vagrant, I will think of the silk dress...
I didn't like that. So it was my part to be suspicious all the way through, and it was my karma that I had to bear for becoming serious about this competition at some point and letting my guard down with the people I met in the palace.
I suddenly looked down at my hands. The back of my hands and skin had become so smooth and elegant in just a few months. From the beginning, they were smooth as if they had never known anything bad.
I didn't know that power was like this. I didn't even know I was drunk, and when I came to my senses, I was soaking wet.
I woke up with a thud. The room was dark with the lights off, and no one was reading. Veronica, who was sitting across from me studying, seemed to have left while I was sleeping.
I habitually wiped the corner of my mouth to wipe the spit and almost tore the paper that was stuck to my cheek in half.
When on earth did I fall asleep? Judging by the fact that the maids didn't come to wake me up, it didn't seem like that much time had passed, unlike the dark surroundings.
But what if that's not the case?
I cast my gaze toward the edge of the table, which I had been trying to ignore. Only there was a dark shadow as if dark paint had pooled and pooled there.
It was pitch black, barely enough to make out his figure, but I recognized him immediately. As far as I know, the only man who could be so graceful with such a large body is Laskan.
“...”
He was quiet even after seeing me get up. He didn't speak to me or pretend to notice me. Even though I was the only reason he would be in the dark library.
For the past week, we've been obviously avoiding each other, like lovers who've had a bad fight.
It's not that I didn't think about reconciliation. I just wrote a few crumpled letters, but I knew in the end that it would be meaningless, so I didn't send them.
He wouldn't be able to give me up, and it would be hard for me to be with him as a Duke unless I was a real Princess.
Even if we somehow resolved the fact that I was a commoner... the stigma of having defrauded the imperial family would never go away.
It was his misfortune, and mine, that he fell in love with the pawn he had placed on the chessboard with his own hands.
Even if he says he's okay and that he'll endure everything, will he be able to maintain that mindset when all the reputations he's built up over time are shattered?
The world would hate the Duke who deceived them. He would be recorded in history along with the fake Princess rather than the merits of the war. In the worst case, he might be labeled as having harmed the real Anastasia.
I loved Laskan enough to not be able to stand by and watch his downfall, or, to put it another way, I loved him just that much.
He was too good a man to fall into the abyss with a woman like me.
So, no matter how much I thought about it, it couldn't be helped.
I got up from my seat, pretending not to see him. I hastily cleaned up my desk, anxious to get out of there.
Because it was dark and I couldn't see well, I was gathering all the papers at once and ended up pricking my hand with the sharp tip of a pen.
"...Ah."
Tears welled up along with the blood. The sound of the chair being dragged heavily resonated. I saw him get up from his seat out of the corner of my eye. He spoke as if sighing.
“Sasha.”
“...”
“I lost.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. It was a declaration that he was giving up on making me a public figure.
“Thank you for understanding.”
I said it with all my heart. Once the competition was over and the blood test results came out, I had to leave the palace. That meant we didn't have much time left.
Laskan was expected to live his life as a nobleman and I as a commoner. It will be heartbreaking at first, but he will soon forget me. I will also forget him and live on, and sometimes when life gets tiring, I will look back on him as a memory.
So every day was too precious to be wasted on this cold war.
“Turn on the light. I want to see your face.”
In the darkness, I could see the match strike. There were a few sparks, and soon the lantern was lit. A wisp of light filled the room.
It was faint, but the face was bright enough to be distinguishable. Laskan's expression was the same as usual, so I let out a sigh of relief. Thank goodness. He seemed genuinely okay.
“Hands.”
I instinctively placed my hand on his outstretched palm. He took out a handkerchief and wrapped it around my hand.
It was only then that I remembered that I had been pricked by the nib. I had completely forgotten about it because I was so happy to be on good terms with him again.
He gripped my finger a little harder. Perhaps to stop the bleeding, but with a bit more force than usual.
“But what about the maids? Did you send them? You told them not to wake me up.”
“Sleep soundly.”
“You keep talking so loudly. It’s just the two of us here.”
I shrugged and added.
“You still treat me like a real Princess.”
“Your Highness is suspicious.”
“...”
“Not me.”
I blinked in bewilderment. Even at this point, it seemed like he still believed that I was the real Princess.
Even I, and even His Majesty the Emperor, who would be my grandfather if it were true, are not sure about it.
At times like this, I felt frustrated that I couldn't remember anything. It would be nice if I could remember something, even something very small.
“I’m the real Princess... Even if I try to think that way, it’s not as easy as it sounds.”
I fumbled with my lips, which were not moving well, and forced myself to open them.
Olga was by my side as far back as my memory allows. I ate, drank, and grew up in her arms.
It was the root that supported my life. When I tried to recall the past further down, it was as hazy as the night fog.
But it didn't matter. I wish I could remember it, but I grew up without it and didn't know how much of a hassle it would be. Even though sometimes, my life felt unrealistic.
“Can you tell me an old story?”
Laskan took his pocket watch out of his pocket, glanced at it, and said.
“You should eat before that.”
“I can eat whenever I want.”
I was squeamish. I had never thrown a tantrum before, but I instinctively felt that he would not turn down my request.
“I said I was a real Princess. I’ll make a big concession and say that it could be true. I’m curious about what I liked and disliked when I was very young, and what kind of things I experienced.”
“...”
“You know what? If I recall them one by one, maybe my memories will come back.”
He let out a short sigh and offered me the chair again.
I liked that he was a knight. Maybe it was because he spent half his life on the battlefield, but once he made a decision, he pushed it through quickly.
Laskan said, sitting cross-legged on the desk.
“If you have any questions, please ask.”
“The Princess, no... how did we first meet?”
“I saw you in Your Highness's garden.”
“What season was it?”
“It was early spring. I remember the purple geraniums were in full bloom. Your Highness was wearing a very pale yellow dress.”
It was as if that time was vividly depicted before my eyes, even though it was a time I had never experienced before. Could it be because I saw the garden of the Princess's palace every day?
“When I was four? I heard that I and Laskan became engaged at that time.”
“Yes. Your Highness came to me first.”
“Me, you?”
A faint smile appeared on his lips.
“You claimed that how could you decide on a spouse to spend the rest of your life with just by looking at a portrait?”
I glanced at Veronica's face, my chin still resting on my hand, flapping the paper. I could see the determined passion in her concentrated face. My thoughts naturally drifted back to a few days ago.
“It was in this desperate way that I wanted to become Emperor.”
I understood it as soon as I heard it. More desperately than ever.
“It is more unpleasant that Your Highness takes pity on me and looks after me.”
"But..."
"Honestly, I know that you won this time because you were lucky."
I couldn't find a way to respond to that, so I kept my mouth shut, and her expression softened.
“The next competition will be difficult for Your Highness to win even if you give it your all, and if I lose, I will have to find another way.”
"..."
"It's just a story like that, so don't pay any attention to me."
I realized that she was an amazing woman. She was a strong person.
If I had been abused since I was a child for just one goal, I would never have done it.
Suddenly, I looked down at my hands holding the book. I felt like a racehorse that had lost its goal after running without thinking.
The suspicion that I wasn't Anastasia had become a habit, a dull routine that I had been pushed into.
First, because of my firm belief that I could not possibly be the real Princess, secondly, for money, and thirdly, to secure a safe escape route while maintaining a minimum level of trust...
I looked into my feelings as if I was looking at an unfamiliar object. When was it? When did my actions, which were close to holding on, start to be sincere?
To bare the very bottom of it all, damn it, I still wanted to find my family. I wanted to cling to even the slightest glimmer of hope.
What this meant was that the possibility that I might really be the Princess was starting to feel like more than just a possibility.
But I was a person who grew up in the slums, and my soul was engraved with the daily routine of being deprived rather than enjoying it. It would be hard to believe that I was just the secret child of a northern merchant, so to believe that I was the Princess...
If I naively believed everything I had, and then the real Princess Anastasia appeared later, then all of this would no longer be mine.
By then, I will probably be a cripple who will have difficulty even breathing again.
All my life, I will wish to be treated like a Princess even though I am not one, and even when I become a lowly back-alley vagrant, I will think of the silk dress...
I didn't like that. So it was my part to be suspicious all the way through, and it was my karma that I had to bear for becoming serious about this competition at some point and letting my guard down with the people I met in the palace.
I suddenly looked down at my hands. The back of my hands and skin had become so smooth and elegant in just a few months. From the beginning, they were smooth as if they had never known anything bad.
I didn't know that power was like this. I didn't even know I was drunk, and when I came to my senses, I was soaking wet.
***
I woke up with a thud. The room was dark with the lights off, and no one was reading. Veronica, who was sitting across from me studying, seemed to have left while I was sleeping.
I habitually wiped the corner of my mouth to wipe the spit and almost tore the paper that was stuck to my cheek in half.
When on earth did I fall asleep? Judging by the fact that the maids didn't come to wake me up, it didn't seem like that much time had passed, unlike the dark surroundings.
But what if that's not the case?
I cast my gaze toward the edge of the table, which I had been trying to ignore. Only there was a dark shadow as if dark paint had pooled and pooled there.
It was pitch black, barely enough to make out his figure, but I recognized him immediately. As far as I know, the only man who could be so graceful with such a large body is Laskan.
“...”
He was quiet even after seeing me get up. He didn't speak to me or pretend to notice me. Even though I was the only reason he would be in the dark library.
For the past week, we've been obviously avoiding each other, like lovers who've had a bad fight.
It's not that I didn't think about reconciliation. I just wrote a few crumpled letters, but I knew in the end that it would be meaningless, so I didn't send them.
He wouldn't be able to give me up, and it would be hard for me to be with him as a Duke unless I was a real Princess.
Even if we somehow resolved the fact that I was a commoner... the stigma of having defrauded the imperial family would never go away.
It was his misfortune, and mine, that he fell in love with the pawn he had placed on the chessboard with his own hands.
Even if he says he's okay and that he'll endure everything, will he be able to maintain that mindset when all the reputations he's built up over time are shattered?
The world would hate the Duke who deceived them. He would be recorded in history along with the fake Princess rather than the merits of the war. In the worst case, he might be labeled as having harmed the real Anastasia.
I loved Laskan enough to not be able to stand by and watch his downfall, or, to put it another way, I loved him just that much.
He was too good a man to fall into the abyss with a woman like me.
So, no matter how much I thought about it, it couldn't be helped.
I got up from my seat, pretending not to see him. I hastily cleaned up my desk, anxious to get out of there.
Because it was dark and I couldn't see well, I was gathering all the papers at once and ended up pricking my hand with the sharp tip of a pen.
"...Ah."
Tears welled up along with the blood. The sound of the chair being dragged heavily resonated. I saw him get up from his seat out of the corner of my eye. He spoke as if sighing.
“Sasha.”
“...”
“I lost.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. It was a declaration that he was giving up on making me a public figure.
“Thank you for understanding.”
I said it with all my heart. Once the competition was over and the blood test results came out, I had to leave the palace. That meant we didn't have much time left.
Laskan was expected to live his life as a nobleman and I as a commoner. It will be heartbreaking at first, but he will soon forget me. I will also forget him and live on, and sometimes when life gets tiring, I will look back on him as a memory.
So every day was too precious to be wasted on this cold war.
“Turn on the light. I want to see your face.”
In the darkness, I could see the match strike. There were a few sparks, and soon the lantern was lit. A wisp of light filled the room.
It was faint, but the face was bright enough to be distinguishable. Laskan's expression was the same as usual, so I let out a sigh of relief. Thank goodness. He seemed genuinely okay.
“Hands.”
I instinctively placed my hand on his outstretched palm. He took out a handkerchief and wrapped it around my hand.
It was only then that I remembered that I had been pricked by the nib. I had completely forgotten about it because I was so happy to be on good terms with him again.
He gripped my finger a little harder. Perhaps to stop the bleeding, but with a bit more force than usual.
“But what about the maids? Did you send them? You told them not to wake me up.”
“Sleep soundly.”
“You keep talking so loudly. It’s just the two of us here.”
I shrugged and added.
“You still treat me like a real Princess.”
“Your Highness is suspicious.”
“...”
“Not me.”
I blinked in bewilderment. Even at this point, it seemed like he still believed that I was the real Princess.
Even I, and even His Majesty the Emperor, who would be my grandfather if it were true, are not sure about it.
At times like this, I felt frustrated that I couldn't remember anything. It would be nice if I could remember something, even something very small.
“I’m the real Princess... Even if I try to think that way, it’s not as easy as it sounds.”
I fumbled with my lips, which were not moving well, and forced myself to open them.
Olga was by my side as far back as my memory allows. I ate, drank, and grew up in her arms.
It was the root that supported my life. When I tried to recall the past further down, it was as hazy as the night fog.
But it didn't matter. I wish I could remember it, but I grew up without it and didn't know how much of a hassle it would be. Even though sometimes, my life felt unrealistic.
“Can you tell me an old story?”
Laskan took his pocket watch out of his pocket, glanced at it, and said.
“You should eat before that.”
“I can eat whenever I want.”
I was squeamish. I had never thrown a tantrum before, but I instinctively felt that he would not turn down my request.
“I said I was a real Princess. I’ll make a big concession and say that it could be true. I’m curious about what I liked and disliked when I was very young, and what kind of things I experienced.”
“...”
“You know what? If I recall them one by one, maybe my memories will come back.”
He let out a short sigh and offered me the chair again.
I liked that he was a knight. Maybe it was because he spent half his life on the battlefield, but once he made a decision, he pushed it through quickly.
Laskan said, sitting cross-legged on the desk.
“If you have any questions, please ask.”
“The Princess, no... how did we first meet?”
“I saw you in Your Highness's garden.”
“What season was it?”
“It was early spring. I remember the purple geraniums were in full bloom. Your Highness was wearing a very pale yellow dress.”
It was as if that time was vividly depicted before my eyes, even though it was a time I had never experienced before. Could it be because I saw the garden of the Princess's palace every day?
“When I was four? I heard that I and Laskan became engaged at that time.”
“Yes. Your Highness came to me first.”
“Me, you?”
A faint smile appeared on his lips.
“You claimed that how could you decide on a spouse to spend the rest of your life with just by looking at a portrait?”
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