He looked up at the old face reflected in the silverware. In the end, it was his own fault. There was no need to blame anyone; it was his own fault for being foolish. The problem was that he couldn't let go of his attachment to the dead child. If he had buried that child in his heart, he wouldn't have been in such a bad situation now.
He raised his head. He stared at his daughter sitting on his right. Her neck was disheveled and her face was like that of a girl. If he had let go of his foolishness that year and lived contentedly with what was given, he wouldn’t have had to endure this child.
“Last winter, I had a conversation with his father about marriage.”
Elliot averted his gaze from his daughter, who was sitting with a blank expression and holding only cutlery.
“It would probably require a deeper conversation, but he said late summer wouldn’t be a bad time to have a wedding.”
He cut the sardines. The daughter didn't touch the food. She seemed determined not to eat anything until the end of the meal. He put the sardines he had cut into his mouth without a care. When his wife gave birth to their daughter, their relationship was at an extreme.
His wife cried often and had a fever. He remembered her gritting her teeth in the dark bedroom, not wanting to be caught crying. He couldn't bring himself to tell her that even a child like this was okay.
He didn't even dare to say that it was over. That was because his mouth wouldn't open even though there was no next time for them. He was a dirty person. The doctor who had been coming and going from the castle like it was his own house before her due date had said that she was already at her limit. She had always been infertile, so it was a stroke of luck that she had Dominique. He said that having a second child was a miracle from God, so whatever child was born would be her blessing and virtue. So. So couldn't a third time be possible? Couldn't she try just one more time? If a second time was possible, a third time too...
'Rosaline.'
'There's no next time, honey. I'm already ruined. This is the last one. This one came out ruining everything. My baby house...'
Rosaline, lying down with her blanket in her arms, cried out. In her eyes, the child was no longer a child, but a defective product. This child had ruined the womb that she had given up to have a child to replace Dominique. Even her own home was ruined by holding this defective product.
The evil cry dispersed from her chest. He raised his hand and stroked her thin shoulder. He looked up and saw the lump of blood that was stuck in the corner, not letting out even a single faint cry. It was a baby born before ten months. It was a premature baby, so they said it might not last long and die.
Rosaline screamed that it would be better for the child to die, and then cried, clinging to the child, saying that it was her fault. If you go too, what will I do? She was afraid of a future where they would be left with nothing. He knew what she was really afraid of.
He also knew why she resented the girl who was born prematurely. Because she had failed to please him. Because she could not get his love back. Because this girl had not been able to bring back the love and warmth of the happiest days that her healthy son had given her...
He looked at the child who had been born before ten months, destroying the mother's womb. The child was as quiet as death. Its breathing was so weak that he couldn't even tell if it was breathing unless he put his ear to its chest.
He looked at the child who was not dead as if she was dead. He still loved his wife. He did not want her to live as a crazy woman. Words that he did not mean rolled off the tip of his tongue.
'Still, it's our child.'
Rosaline raised her head. Her pale face was pale. He pressed her lips to her round forehead and closed his eyes.
He raised his head. He stared at his daughter sitting on his right. Her neck was disheveled and her face was like that of a girl. If he had let go of his foolishness that year and lived contentedly with what was given, he wouldn’t have had to endure this child.
“Last winter, I had a conversation with his father about marriage.”
Elliot averted his gaze from his daughter, who was sitting with a blank expression and holding only cutlery.
“It would probably require a deeper conversation, but he said late summer wouldn’t be a bad time to have a wedding.”
He cut the sardines. The daughter didn't touch the food. She seemed determined not to eat anything until the end of the meal. He put the sardines he had cut into his mouth without a care. When his wife gave birth to their daughter, their relationship was at an extreme.
His wife cried often and had a fever. He remembered her gritting her teeth in the dark bedroom, not wanting to be caught crying. He couldn't bring himself to tell her that even a child like this was okay.
He didn't even dare to say that it was over. That was because his mouth wouldn't open even though there was no next time for them. He was a dirty person. The doctor who had been coming and going from the castle like it was his own house before her due date had said that she was already at her limit. She had always been infertile, so it was a stroke of luck that she had Dominique. He said that having a second child was a miracle from God, so whatever child was born would be her blessing and virtue. So. So couldn't a third time be possible? Couldn't she try just one more time? If a second time was possible, a third time too...
'Rosaline.'
'There's no next time, honey. I'm already ruined. This is the last one. This one came out ruining everything. My baby house...'
Rosaline, lying down with her blanket in her arms, cried out. In her eyes, the child was no longer a child, but a defective product. This child had ruined the womb that she had given up to have a child to replace Dominique. Even her own home was ruined by holding this defective product.
The evil cry dispersed from her chest. He raised his hand and stroked her thin shoulder. He looked up and saw the lump of blood that was stuck in the corner, not letting out even a single faint cry. It was a baby born before ten months. It was a premature baby, so they said it might not last long and die.
Rosaline screamed that it would be better for the child to die, and then cried, clinging to the child, saying that it was her fault. If you go too, what will I do? She was afraid of a future where they would be left with nothing. He knew what she was really afraid of.
He also knew why she resented the girl who was born prematurely. Because she had failed to please him. Because she could not get his love back. Because this girl had not been able to bring back the love and warmth of the happiest days that her healthy son had given her...
He looked at the child who had been born before ten months, destroying the mother's womb. The child was as quiet as death. Its breathing was so weak that he couldn't even tell if it was breathing unless he put his ear to its chest.
He looked at the child who was not dead as if she was dead. He still loved his wife. He did not want her to live as a crazy woman. Words that he did not mean rolled off the tip of his tongue.
'Still, it's our child.'
Rosaline raised her head. Her pale face was pale. He pressed her lips to her round forehead and closed his eyes.
'It's not your fault, it's my fault.'
The woman in his arms stopped breathing. She buried her face in her husband's shoulder and hugged him tightly. He named his daughter Else, who did not cry.
Else had been hearing the doctor tell her that she would die. Whenever the doctor opened his mouth, he would tell her that she would not live long and that it would be difficult for her to have children. Else did not react when he said that she would die, but when he said that she would not have children, she glared at the doctor and ran to him.
As if she were a maid, she would rush to grab the doctor's hair, and the doctor would always bring his servants to examine her and advise her to get married as soon as possible if she wanted to have children. Else wanted to fulfill her parents' wishes if possible. Else had never done anything for them since she was born. She had lived a useless life as a child and as the daughter of a lord. She knew that her parents were trying to protect their desolate and rough territory. She was also the daughter of a nobleman.
So, even if she dies, she wants to listen to their wishes and go. Else, who was feeling her neck, which was wrapped tightly in a scarf, looked at her father. Not only was his face too old to see his descendants, but his will had also worn away. She lowered her gaze. She grabbed the cutlery and cut the turnip into bite-size pieces. She looked down at it without putting it in her mouth.
She had never been loved except when she was connected to her mother by the umbilical cord. She knew that even that love was actually from her dead brother. The couple whispered sweet nothings to each other, thinking that their dead son had taken root in her womb again. Unfortunately, Else was just Else, and did not resemble the child who died by the water thirty years ago in any way.
Since they are blood relatives, aren't there some aspects that are completely connected?
The woman in his arms stopped breathing. She buried her face in her husband's shoulder and hugged him tightly. He named his daughter Else, who did not cry.
***
Else had been hearing the doctor tell her that she would die. Whenever the doctor opened his mouth, he would tell her that she would not live long and that it would be difficult for her to have children. Else did not react when he said that she would die, but when he said that she would not have children, she glared at the doctor and ran to him.
As if she were a maid, she would rush to grab the doctor's hair, and the doctor would always bring his servants to examine her and advise her to get married as soon as possible if she wanted to have children. Else wanted to fulfill her parents' wishes if possible. Else had never done anything for them since she was born. She had lived a useless life as a child and as the daughter of a lord. She knew that her parents were trying to protect their desolate and rough territory. She was also the daughter of a nobleman.
So, even if she dies, she wants to listen to their wishes and go. Else, who was feeling her neck, which was wrapped tightly in a scarf, looked at her father. Not only was his face too old to see his descendants, but his will had also worn away. She lowered her gaze. She grabbed the cutlery and cut the turnip into bite-size pieces. She looked down at it without putting it in her mouth.
She had never been loved except when she was connected to her mother by the umbilical cord. She knew that even that love was actually from her dead brother. The couple whispered sweet nothings to each other, thinking that their dead son had taken root in her womb again. Unfortunately, Else was just Else, and did not resemble the child who died by the water thirty years ago in any way.
Since they are blood relatives, aren't there some aspects that are completely connected?
That little kid and Else were siblings. Habits. Eating habits. The way they talk without thinking. Didn't five-year-old Else have those things too? But... Else was Else. Every three days, she suffered from a fever and looked for her father, clinging to her mother's arms who didn't give her even a little bit of her heart and showing her affection.
Else couldn't be Dominique. She was a child who couldn't imitate Dominique's loveliness... She ended up destroying her mother's womb and coming out, putting an end to their relationship. So that they could never hope for a sequel.
“When you say late summer, when exactly are you referring to.”
She thought. If Else got married, Ian would be delighted. She heard that a certain noblewoman kept a servant even after getting married. The idea was that having a relationship with her husband and having a servant wait on her in bed were separate matters, so why bother? The former was a duty, and the latter was a pleasure. However, Else did not want to give Ian such a humiliation.
Such a disgrace was not befitting of the man. Even now, Ian is being called a 'male prostitute' for having a secret affair with an unmarried noble maiden. There was another woman Ian liked... It was not that Ian liked her, but he was embracing her... Even though she knew it, she had disgraced him. It was an unforgivable sin.
“I think it will be okay around August.”
Her father, who had put down the cutlery, wiped his mouth with a napkin and took a sip of wine. Else looked at her father blankly. There was a time when she believed that her father loved her. It was not so long ago, and it was not an old illusion. Else looked away from him. She got up from her seat after watching the dinner she had not taken a bite of. She knew that this was an opportunity to bring up the subject of marriage. Their family did not eat dinner together unless they had something special to say. No, Else was the only one who was not invited to the couple’s family dinner. It was not that she felt uncomfortable or lonely. Else’s parents were not comfortable either. She greeted them politely and returned to the bedroom.
The sky, which was beginning to grow twilight, was a mixture of ripe azure and forget-me-not blue. Else, looking at the purple ground spiders beyond the round hills, took out a purple velvet box from a drawer. It was a box that would look good if she put small crystals in it. She stroked the purple velvet surface for a long time before opening the box.
Inside the box were sky-blue shoes, folded into a square towel. Else picked up the shoes and held them to her chest, slowly stroking the toes. The shoes, now dry, had once completely sunk into the green water.
“Ian...”
She hummed softly to him. She thought of the man as she rubbed the dent with her fingertips. The dent was the dog’s teeth mark. Had the dog taken the shoe she had left at the water’s edge?
“When you say late summer, when exactly are you referring to.”
She thought. If Else got married, Ian would be delighted. She heard that a certain noblewoman kept a servant even after getting married. The idea was that having a relationship with her husband and having a servant wait on her in bed were separate matters, so why bother? The former was a duty, and the latter was a pleasure. However, Else did not want to give Ian such a humiliation.
Such a disgrace was not befitting of the man. Even now, Ian is being called a 'male prostitute' for having a secret affair with an unmarried noble maiden. There was another woman Ian liked... It was not that Ian liked her, but he was embracing her... Even though she knew it, she had disgraced him. It was an unforgivable sin.
“I think it will be okay around August.”
Her father, who had put down the cutlery, wiped his mouth with a napkin and took a sip of wine. Else looked at her father blankly. There was a time when she believed that her father loved her. It was not so long ago, and it was not an old illusion. Else looked away from him. She got up from her seat after watching the dinner she had not taken a bite of. She knew that this was an opportunity to bring up the subject of marriage. Their family did not eat dinner together unless they had something special to say. No, Else was the only one who was not invited to the couple’s family dinner. It was not that she felt uncomfortable or lonely. Else’s parents were not comfortable either. She greeted them politely and returned to the bedroom.
The sky, which was beginning to grow twilight, was a mixture of ripe azure and forget-me-not blue. Else, looking at the purple ground spiders beyond the round hills, took out a purple velvet box from a drawer. It was a box that would look good if she put small crystals in it. She stroked the purple velvet surface for a long time before opening the box.
Inside the box were sky-blue shoes, folded into a square towel. Else picked up the shoes and held them to her chest, slowly stroking the toes. The shoes, now dry, had once completely sunk into the green water.
“Ian...”
She hummed softly to him. She thought of the man as she rubbed the dent with her fingertips. The dent was the dog’s teeth mark. Had the dog taken the shoe she had left at the water’s edge?
It was when he was stamping his feet under the blazing sun. Ian, who had been watching the dog go into the water with the bit, followed the dog and got into the water. And then...
There was a rustling sound under the balcony. Else, who was holding her shoes, got up and walked toward the sound. Even in the darkened sky, his clear outline was familiar to her eyes. There was only one man with such a thick and solid body in the castle. A woman was where his eyes landed. It was hard to tell because of the dappled dusk, but he could tell it was a woman. The woman’s hand wiped his eyes.
Else nerves snapped. Her heart started pounding. Her breathing became shaky and she felt dizzy. Else suppressed the tingling sensation that started to rise from her toes and left the bedroom.
There was a rustling sound under the balcony. Else, who was holding her shoes, got up and walked toward the sound. Even in the darkened sky, his clear outline was familiar to her eyes. There was only one man with such a thick and solid body in the castle. A woman was where his eyes landed. It was hard to tell because of the dappled dusk, but he could tell it was a woman. The woman’s hand wiped his eyes.
Else nerves snapped. Her heart started pounding. Her breathing became shaky and she felt dizzy. Else suppressed the tingling sensation that started to rise from her toes and left the bedroom.
Else, clutching the hem of her dress that was round and bell-shaped, ran down the stairs. She bumped into the maid who was coming up the stairs carrying a tray.
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