That’s how my mother went. She fell and died while hurriedly coming down the mountain because she couldn’t leave me home alone even though it was raining near the summit.
Hunters found her and brought her to the village, and the village chief held a simple funeral.
I didn’t do anything. Everyone ignored me. As if this was something for adults and children had no rights.
As if the thing in that shabby coffin wasn’t my mother, Melia Loba, but something else.
The village elders held the funeral, cremated the remains, and put the ashes in an urn. They just put me in the front row to watch.
The village chief handed me the urn and said. It was so heavy that my knees were shaking, so I couldn’t hear what he was saying.
“Where are you going?”
“...”
“Where are you going, Lorisha?”
I said with my eyes wide open. I thought my eyes wouldn’t get hot if I strained my whole face like that.
“...Uh.”
“What?”
“Home...”
I ran home, carrying the heavy urn.
‘Where else would I go but home! A freezing old man?’
An adult’s arm grabbed me, but the village chief stopped him. Just let me go.
The sky was burning red as the sun was setting. I thought I shouldn’t drop this heavy urn, what would happen to my mother if I did, so I absolutely had to make sure not to fall and get home before night fell. That was all I could think about.
I felt the unfamiliar sound of my breath leaking out of my throat, slurp, slurp, it was scary and disgusting. But I couldn’t stop.
“Mom. Mom. Um... Mom!”
I returned to the cabin, held the still-warm urn of my mother’s ashes, and lay down in front of the cold fireplace.
She said she would definitely come home. She said she would definitely come back to me... She told me to trust her. I trusted her...
I trusted only her.
Damn it. Now I don’t trust my mother. I don’t trust anyone else.
Hunters found her and brought her to the village, and the village chief held a simple funeral.
I didn’t do anything. Everyone ignored me. As if this was something for adults and children had no rights.
As if the thing in that shabby coffin wasn’t my mother, Melia Loba, but something else.
The village elders held the funeral, cremated the remains, and put the ashes in an urn. They just put me in the front row to watch.
The village chief handed me the urn and said. It was so heavy that my knees were shaking, so I couldn’t hear what he was saying.
“Where are you going?”
“...”
“Where are you going, Lorisha?”
I said with my eyes wide open. I thought my eyes wouldn’t get hot if I strained my whole face like that.
“...Uh.”
“What?”
“Home...”
I ran home, carrying the heavy urn.
‘Where else would I go but home! A freezing old man?’
An adult’s arm grabbed me, but the village chief stopped him. Just let me go.
The sky was burning red as the sun was setting. I thought I shouldn’t drop this heavy urn, what would happen to my mother if I did, so I absolutely had to make sure not to fall and get home before night fell. That was all I could think about.
I felt the unfamiliar sound of my breath leaking out of my throat, slurp, slurp, it was scary and disgusting. But I couldn’t stop.
“Mom. Mom. Um... Mom!”
I returned to the cabin, held the still-warm urn of my mother’s ashes, and lay down in front of the cold fireplace.
She said she would definitely come home. She said she would definitely come back to me... She told me to trust her. I trusted her...
I trusted only her.
Damn it. Now I don’t trust my mother. I don’t trust anyone else.
I was ten years old at that time.
I must have been on the verge of starvation in front of that fireplace. The feeling of someone carrying me and the feeling of my body being rocked by the carriage, remain vague in my memory.
After that, when I regained my strength under the care of my grandmother’s maid at a villa, a middle-aged nobleman with beautiful blond hair came to visit.
He just looked at me with his eyes that were moist and dripping with tears, as if he were speechless. Judging from the large signet ring on his middle finger, I knew he was a nobleman of high status. But what business did he have with me?
***
I must have been on the verge of starvation in front of that fireplace. The feeling of someone carrying me and the feeling of my body being rocked by the carriage, remain vague in my memory.
After that, when I regained my strength under the care of my grandmother’s maid at a villa, a middle-aged nobleman with beautiful blond hair came to visit.
He just looked at me with his eyes that were moist and dripping with tears, as if he were speechless. Judging from the large signet ring on his middle finger, I knew he was a nobleman of high status. But what business did he have with me?
I felt awkward, so I spoke first.
“I am Lorisha. Lorisha Loba.”
He cleared his throat as if he was choking and continued.
“You are Lorisha Loire.”
“...”
“I am Count Helden Loire, your father. ”
I finally came to my senses and answered.
“No.”
This time, his eyes shook.
“Your mother... do you have another father?”
“No.”
I answered firmly. Even though he was a nobleman, I didn’t want to let a man I just met say strange things about my mother.
“I don’t have a father. My mother doesn’t have a husband. If there was, we wouldn’t be living like this.”
At that moment, I thought the man in front of me had a face like he had been stabbed with a knife.
“I’ll take care of you now.”
Why did those words make me so angry? My mother was already dead, and now he’s showing up!
I burst into tears. It was the first time I’d lost my mind like that. When I came to, I was sobbing in his arms. They say nobles only talk about high-class things and don’t listen to vulgar things. So I thought I could drive this nobleman away if I swore at him. I thought he’d wave his hand and walk away, either because he was scared or because it was so horrible to hear. But he held me so tightly that I couldn’t breathe, and I thought he might be crying a little too, so I thought maybe he was my real father.
Nothing would change. He only let me go after my breathing became calm.
“Lorisha. That’s my favorite flower.”
I was dumbfounded. He named me after his favorite flower? Mom. If you’re listening, tell me about him.
I stared at him and realized that his bright blond hair, green eye color, the shape of his eyes, and the outline of his face were quite similar to mine.
Even at that young age, I could vaguely see how cruel this was.
What did my mother, who had given birth to a nobleman’s child and had to live in hiding, think every day as she looked at me who looked exactly like that man?
What did my mother, who had given birth to a nobleman’s child and had to live in hiding, think every day as she looked at me who looked exactly like that man?
She named me after the flower he liked, and when she saw my face that looked like his, she said I was pretty.
Wasn’t that why she lied? Did she say she would come back but didn’t, and abandoned me? Because I resembled my father?
When I thought about that, a fireball started to gather inside my chest.
“Why did you abandon mother?”
What did that ten-year-old girl’s question full of hate feel like to him?
“You don’t have to tell me. Colin from the butcher shop is also a child born when a nobleman beat up his mother. His mother was a maid when she was young.”
When I said that mockingly, the Count’s eyes shook with shock. At that time, I was glad that my attack was working, but now I know that it wasn’t true.
He must have been shocked and disappointed at how Melia had raised her daughter.
“Watch your words, Lorisha.”
I had never heard such a stern order in my life.
Only then did I come to my senses that I was dealing with a race completely different from mine?
But I had already had my fill of talking, and now all that was left was to be dragged out by his servants and beaten.
But he said firmly,
“I never abandoned Melia. She ran away, and I released her, but I couldn’t find her. I didn’t even know you were there.”
He showed me my mother’s silk ribbon. He said that he had tracked down the person who had sent the bouquet of Lorisha tied with that ribbon and that the ribbon had been a gift to her, the only luxury my mother had.
He said,
“Melia wanted me to take you away.”
The Count took me to his villa. He said that the girl’s room with pure white walls and pink furniture was mine. I was just dumbfounded.
A few days later, the tutor came. She was a middle-aged, single woman with thick brown hair that was neatly styled.
“I’m Julia.”
I asked her with a bit of arrogance, trying to make myself look serious at first.
“A tutor?”
“Yes. I know exactly what you mean, Miss Loire.”
“What’s a tutor?”
She looked at me with a subtle expression, then said in surprise,
“That’s a good question! What kind of person does Miss Loire want her tutor to be? Is there anything you want to learn from me?”
“Fuck. I asked first.”
Wasn’t that why she lied? Did she say she would come back but didn’t, and abandoned me? Because I resembled my father?
When I thought about that, a fireball started to gather inside my chest.
“Why did you abandon mother?”
What did that ten-year-old girl’s question full of hate feel like to him?
“You don’t have to tell me. Colin from the butcher shop is also a child born when a nobleman beat up his mother. His mother was a maid when she was young.”
When I said that mockingly, the Count’s eyes shook with shock. At that time, I was glad that my attack was working, but now I know that it wasn’t true.
He must have been shocked and disappointed at how Melia had raised her daughter.
“Watch your words, Lorisha.”
I had never heard such a stern order in my life.
Only then did I come to my senses that I was dealing with a race completely different from mine?
But I had already had my fill of talking, and now all that was left was to be dragged out by his servants and beaten.
But he said firmly,
“I never abandoned Melia. She ran away, and I released her, but I couldn’t find her. I didn’t even know you were there.”
He showed me my mother’s silk ribbon. He said that he had tracked down the person who had sent the bouquet of Lorisha tied with that ribbon and that the ribbon had been a gift to her, the only luxury my mother had.
He said,
“Melia wanted me to take you away.”
***
The Count took me to his villa. He said that the girl’s room with pure white walls and pink furniture was mine. I was just dumbfounded.
A few days later, the tutor came. She was a middle-aged, single woman with thick brown hair that was neatly styled.
“I’m Julia.”
I asked her with a bit of arrogance, trying to make myself look serious at first.
“A tutor?”
“Yes. I know exactly what you mean, Miss Loire.”
“What’s a tutor?”
She looked at me with a subtle expression, then said in surprise,
“That’s a good question! What kind of person does Miss Loire want her tutor to be? Is there anything you want to learn from me?”
“Fuck. I asked first.”
When I muttered, the skin under her eyes hardened. But I tried to keep a calm expression and asked,
“Fuck... What does that mean?”
I opened my eyes wide.
“Fuck, f*ck, what does it mean? Now that you mention it, it’s strange. What kind of teacher wouldn’t know f*ck? Then wouldn’t know what a disease is?”
“...”
She quietly closed the door and left, and I laughed out loud in triumph.
How could I not know what to do with such a remark that was not even worthy of being called a swear word?
I learned that I didn’t know the true meaning of many of the vulgar words I used, thanks to her, but it didn’t matter.
Swearing is a way to show off how bad a bitch I am. The purpose of swearing is to make you say, “I can’t stand that!” Just like Miss Julia did just now.
So words like “shit” and “f*ck” don’t really mean anything.
Miss Julia came back a little later, carrying a large book. She slammed it down on the desk and said,
“This is the Imperial Dictionary compiled by the Tagar Imperial Family. Shall we look up “shit” here?”
What does that mean?
“A dictionary is a book that contains the exact meanings of words. Can you read?”
“Of course.”
My mother wouldn’t let me be so ignorant. If I could read, I wouldn’t get cheated when I got my bill from the apothecary.
“But His Majesty the Emperor used all of this?”
“His Majesty didn’t do it himself. Scholars affiliated with the imperial family wrote it. Scholars are in the academy. Do you know the Imperial Academy?”
As I shook my head, she said absentmindedly, looking through the dictionary.
“Let’s look up ‘shit’ first.”
I unconsciously followed the place her fingertips were pointing to.
She explained that words were listed in a specific order in the dictionary.
“There it is. Shit. Hmm, it’s a mild curse that means that you hope the other person gets dragged to prison and treated badly. Oh, did Miss Loire want me to go to prison?”
I shook my head vigorously in surprise.
“No, I just wanted you to leave the room. To be sent to prison for no reason. That’s really bad!”
Professor Julia said, her eyes widening at my bewildered expression.
“So Miss Loire has a different opinion from the scholars of the Imperial Academy?”
“Yes, I do!”
I responded strongly. I didn’t want Professor Julia to believe something I didn’t do.
“They just say whatever they want...”
“Hmm. The Academy isn’t that weird of a place... Would you like to take a look?”
She brought out another book and opened up a large organizational chart.
“His Majesty is at the top, and below him is the Empress’s Palace, and the Palace of Her Royal Highnesses... The Academy is directly under the executive branch.”
She also told me about the Count. She said that he was a great man called the “Third Lion of the Empire.”
That title meant that he was the guardian of the Tagar Imperial Family, whose symbol was the lion emblem, and that His Majesty the Emperor trusted him absolutely.
The first messenger was a Duke with many powerful knights, and the second had long since died, and His Majesty had left his place empty in his honor.
I was 'studied' by Mistress Julia without even realizing it. Ten-year-old Lorisha Loire was a total idiot.
Perhaps the few months I spent at the Count's villa were the most peaceful of my life.
But that was the extent of the happiness an illegitimate child could enjoy.
One afternoon, while I was playing in the garden with Miss Julia, a carriage arrived.
But it was not the Count who got out of the carriage, but a beautiful lady with red hair.
"Countess!"
She seemed not to hear Miss Julia's surprised voice.
She asked me with cold eyes,
"Are you that flower?"
“Fuck... What does that mean?”
I opened my eyes wide.
“Fuck, f*ck, what does it mean? Now that you mention it, it’s strange. What kind of teacher wouldn’t know f*ck? Then wouldn’t know what a disease is?”
“...”
She quietly closed the door and left, and I laughed out loud in triumph.
How could I not know what to do with such a remark that was not even worthy of being called a swear word?
I learned that I didn’t know the true meaning of many of the vulgar words I used, thanks to her, but it didn’t matter.
Swearing is a way to show off how bad a bitch I am. The purpose of swearing is to make you say, “I can’t stand that!” Just like Miss Julia did just now.
So words like “shit” and “f*ck” don’t really mean anything.
Miss Julia came back a little later, carrying a large book. She slammed it down on the desk and said,
“This is the Imperial Dictionary compiled by the Tagar Imperial Family. Shall we look up “shit” here?”
What does that mean?
“A dictionary is a book that contains the exact meanings of words. Can you read?”
“Of course.”
My mother wouldn’t let me be so ignorant. If I could read, I wouldn’t get cheated when I got my bill from the apothecary.
“But His Majesty the Emperor used all of this?”
“His Majesty didn’t do it himself. Scholars affiliated with the imperial family wrote it. Scholars are in the academy. Do you know the Imperial Academy?”
As I shook my head, she said absentmindedly, looking through the dictionary.
“Let’s look up ‘shit’ first.”
I unconsciously followed the place her fingertips were pointing to.
She explained that words were listed in a specific order in the dictionary.
“There it is. Shit. Hmm, it’s a mild curse that means that you hope the other person gets dragged to prison and treated badly. Oh, did Miss Loire want me to go to prison?”
I shook my head vigorously in surprise.
“No, I just wanted you to leave the room. To be sent to prison for no reason. That’s really bad!”
Professor Julia said, her eyes widening at my bewildered expression.
“So Miss Loire has a different opinion from the scholars of the Imperial Academy?”
“Yes, I do!”
I responded strongly. I didn’t want Professor Julia to believe something I didn’t do.
“They just say whatever they want...”
“Hmm. The Academy isn’t that weird of a place... Would you like to take a look?”
She brought out another book and opened up a large organizational chart.
“His Majesty is at the top, and below him is the Empress’s Palace, and the Palace of Her Royal Highnesses... The Academy is directly under the executive branch.”
She also told me about the Count. She said that he was a great man called the “Third Lion of the Empire.”
That title meant that he was the guardian of the Tagar Imperial Family, whose symbol was the lion emblem, and that His Majesty the Emperor trusted him absolutely.
The first messenger was a Duke with many powerful knights, and the second had long since died, and His Majesty had left his place empty in his honor.
I was 'studied' by Mistress Julia without even realizing it. Ten-year-old Lorisha Loire was a total idiot.
***
Perhaps the few months I spent at the Count's villa were the most peaceful of my life.
But that was the extent of the happiness an illegitimate child could enjoy.
One afternoon, while I was playing in the garden with Miss Julia, a carriage arrived.
But it was not the Count who got out of the carriage, but a beautiful lady with red hair.
"Countess!"
She seemed not to hear Miss Julia's surprised voice.
She asked me with cold eyes,
"Are you that flower?"
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