Late awakening (1)
After returning home, Rahon and I took a short walk in the garden.
A chilly wind swept over my body. An old jacket draped over my shoulders as I swept back my fluttering hair.
"Cold."
"It's okay..."
"It's not okay. Your hands are already cold."
He took my hand.
It was only after I was enveloped in the warmth that I realized how e old my hands were.
"Do you know what was surprising when I came to the Empire?"
"Well?"
"I was surprised to see women wearing dresses even in the middle of winter. It's not like that in Shancrecia."
"I see. In the Empire, women rarely wear trousers except when riding horses."
The only noblewoman who normally wears trousers is probably Ian's mother, Duchess Armian.
"You should wear pants too. You don't have to wear a dress...because..."
"Yes?"
"...That's it."
"I can't hear you very well. What did you say?"
Rahon suddenly raised his voice.
"You're pretty even without wearing a dress or anything!"
"..."
Shouldn't I be the one who should be embarrassed? Rahon's face turned redder than mine.
I blinked and turned my head. The wind blew, cooling my hot cheeks.
"Well, um... I also sometimes want to wear something comfortable. Dresses are hot in the summer and cold in the winter. Corsets are also uncomfortable."
"Look at that. Now you can wear whatever you want. Just like Duchess Eldern."
I thought for a moment and then shook my head.
"I'll just wear it like I do now."
"Why?"
"It's Nadia's job and pleasure to choose my outfits."
"Are you willing to put up with the inconvenience for Nadia?"
"I'm already used to it, so it's not that uncomfortable. And what if it's a little uncomfortable? Nadia is so happy to see me dressed up."
Rahon looked down at me blankly.
"What do you do for yourself?"
"Yes?"
"You kept Ian out of the war for his sake, and you pushed Oslo out to make Kalit the successor. You even wore clothes for Nadia."
"..."
I swore in the boiling hell that if I were to be reborn, I would become the umbrella of my lover.
After all, I was given this miraculous opportunity. So, Isn't it only natural that I repay my debt to my loved ones in some way?
That must be the reason why God brought me back to life.
That doesn't mean I live only for others. Finding a benefactor is something I do solely for myself.
"Everything you do is mostly for someone else. Is there one thing you've done for yourself?"
"There is."
"What is it?"
"I'm taking a walk with Rahonnright now."
"..."
Rahon's cheeks, which had been gradually fading, turned red again. He turned his head sharply and muttered.
"You, you really are good at making ogling noises."
"You're ogling. I told you exactly what happened."
When I pretended to look gloomy, he glanced at me.
"...I'm not saying I don't like it..."
"Yes..."
"Can't you see my expression?
"...I'm so happy. I could die of happiness, damn it!"
He shouted with a red face and pulled my hand.
I was dragged away and buried my face in his chest. The heavy scent of soap filled my nostrils.
"Guardians are beings who live for others, but we are also people. We get tired, annoyed, and have a hard time just the same."
"..."
"Let's live a little more selfishly."
The period during which I met the boy was about a year after I was chosen as the 'first walker'.
So, Rahon, who returned to Shancrecia after half a year, could not be that boy.
'And it's even more so when you said you've never taken your clothes off in front of me.'
I should have been happy if the number of benefactor candidates had been reduced from three to two, but that wasn't the case.
Is it because even if he is not a benefactor, I still owe a great debt to Rahon?
'Or not.'
As he said, I may have wanted to forget all the complicated things and live with him.
Selfishly.
I slowly pushed Rahon away.
"Do you have a wish?"
"Living with you."
"Other than that."
"There's nothing else... Oh, I had one when I was little."
"What is it?"
Rahon ran his hands over his head with an embarrassed expression.
"I wanted to build a hospital. A facility where anyone could receive treatment regardless of nationality or status if they were sick."
"For free?"
"Are you crazy? I'll treat them for free."
Rahon snorted as if it was ridiculous.
"We're going to take a lot of money from the rich. But instead, we're going to provide cheap treatment to the poor."
It made me laugh.
I remember the time when he received 10 gold for the soap and gave it away for free to the people of Eldern.
"Wow, that's amazing. How did you come up with that?"
"I don't want to bother going to each person and treating them."
There was a warm heart for humanity embedded in the blunt answer.
"But why didn't you do it?"
"How can hospitals be built for free? How much money does it cost to set them up?"
"Isn't the money you've saved up so far enough?"
Rahon scratched his cheek with a stinging face.
"...No."
"You say there isn't any?"
"I bought slaves and freed them as soon as I earned money. That's why I don't have any money saved up."
Before I knew it, my gaze turned to his old clothes.
I wondered where all that money was spent, and it turns out it was used to give freedom to slaves.
I was amazed by the actions that I could never have imagined.
'You've lived more selflessly than anyone else, and now you're telling me to live selfishly?'
Rahon has always been like this.
If it seems light, it's serious, and if it seems rude, it's deep.
Talking to him, I often felt ashamed of myself, so I also found him annoying.
I glared at him, pretending to be angry.
"The reason you wanted to live with me was... because of my money?"
"Hey! What are you talking about? Do you think I can't feed you alone? I, Rahon Shancrecia, can give you as much as you enjoyed here. Even if it means losing my power and doing hard labor!"
I smiled softly and grabbed his jumping hand.
"I think so. You will be very good to the person you love, Rahon."
"...What do you mean?"
"If I lived with you, Rahon, I would be able to live comfortably and happily without having to think about complicated things. I know that..."
"..."
"But, Rahon. I can't live like that..."
It's not because he's not a benefactor.
Even though I am no longer in power and have stepped down from my position as Guardian, I must live a life of atonement.
Rahon was an escape route to avoid such a life. That was why I couldn't hold his hand anymore.
"Is it because you're not the most precious person to me?"
"No, that's absolutely not true."
"Then what? You were shaken by me. You blushed when you realized I was there."
"I would be lying if I said I didn't feel any attraction towards you as a person of the opposite sex. How could I not be swayed by someone as wonderful and charming as Rahon?"
"...So you're saying it's not love?"
"Yes, but it's not love."
Rahon's expression twisted into a painful grimace. I resisted the urge to clench my fists and hug him.
Because sometimes you just have to let them bear their pain alone.
"I respect you, Rahon. I am certain that no one is a better guardian than you."
"That's not what I want from you."
"I know. And I'm sorry."
Rahon closed his eyes tightly.
After a while, his purple eyes reappeared, filled with determination rather than the pain of heartbreak.
"I won't give up on you."
"Rahon..."
"If I had feelings that would end with one rejection, I wouldn't have asked you to live together."
Rahon grabbed my hand.
"I'll keep proposing to you, so you keep rejecting me. Then, when you feel like it's enough, come to me."
"What does that mean? It means you'll be tied to me for the rest of your life. You should forget about the woman who doesn't even look at you and live your life as Rahon."
"You are my life. I decided it."
"..."
"It's windy. Let's go in."
Rahon grabbed my hand without any hesitation.
I followed him and sighed softly.
I didn't know how to make a man who said I could refuse him as much as he wanted to give up.
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