Inside this bedroom, the most familiar space in the Grand Palace, there was nothing else I knew. I rolled up my sleeves and spent quite a while looking around, but there were no traces or anything special.
'I might actually have to soak in the bath water I got.'
Even though it was early winter, my body was drenched in sweat. I wiped the sweat from my forehead and took a deep breath. I looked around carefully to make sure I hadn’t missed anything, but I didn’t look in one place: under the thick, wide carpet. It took up a large part of the center of the bedroom, so I wondered if there was anything under this huge carpet. But then I decided to search through it all, so I started to grope around and look at the edges. And then. Boom.
'I might actually have to soak in the bath water I got.'
Even though it was early winter, my body was drenched in sweat. I wiped the sweat from my forehead and took a deep breath. I looked around carefully to make sure I hadn’t missed anything, but I didn’t look in one place: under the thick, wide carpet. It took up a large part of the center of the bedroom, so I wondered if there was anything under this huge carpet. But then I decided to search through it all, so I started to grope around and look at the edges. And then. Boom.
There was a sound of something hitting the bedroom door. The creaking sound that followed was definitely the sound of someone shuffling through a bunch of keys. Because the surroundings were so quiet and there was no sign of life outside, the sound was even clearer. I quickly straightened up the end of the carpet that I had lifted. It was a bit too far to go to the bathroom.
Click.
“!”
As soon as the door lock opened, I hid in the closet right next to me. I was out of breath, but I couldn’t exhale loudly, so I covered my nose and mouth with both hands and exhaled deeply. I could clearly hear the door opening, but there was no sign of anyone coming in. Instead, he stood outside the door for a long time and then slowly entered the door. The figure of the person who had entered was revealed through the closet’s ventilation shaft.
'...Noevian.'
It was Noevian. Some time passed before he closed the door and locked it again. As if the time outside and inside were different because of the closet door, Noevian’s actions were very slow. In the meantime, I caught all the heavy breathing and wrapped my arms around myself to hide my presence. Through the vents, I could see the entrance where he came in and the bed where I had been lying for two years. Noevian sat down on the bed and held a half-empty bottle of alcohol in his hand. He then took a pill bottle out of his bosom, put a few pills in his mouth, and drank the remaining alcohol in one go. Then, after a long while of heavy breathing, he collapsed onto the bed with his torso still swaying.
"..n."
“...”
“...Adrienne.”
He was groaning as if he had just run at full speed, and then he muttered something and began to sob softly. I stared at him, frozen like a stuffed animal. His soft sobs showed no sign of stopping until the sunset sky darkened. He must have already had a lot to drink, because the smell of alcohol filled the closet, and I felt drunk.
'Why, now?'
'If I think back to the foolish days of the past, I'm sure I've had more than enough.'
The inside of my stomach that had been rumbling since a while ago was definitely a result of my disgust at seeing that sight. What kind of courage did I have?
“Noevian.”
The thumping heart and the crying that was coming out suddenly stopped. Noevian’s eyes, which had raised his head from where he was lying on the bed, were already unfocused. However, his distorted expression showed how much he was suffering, and it made me even more angry. I couldn’t understand what he had done so well that he was missing me and crying.
“..Why did you betray me?”
At that moment, Noevian's breathing, which had been rapid, suddenly stopped.
“!”
As soon as the door lock opened, I hid in the closet right next to me. I was out of breath, but I couldn’t exhale loudly, so I covered my nose and mouth with both hands and exhaled deeply. I could clearly hear the door opening, but there was no sign of anyone coming in. Instead, he stood outside the door for a long time and then slowly entered the door. The figure of the person who had entered was revealed through the closet’s ventilation shaft.
'...Noevian.'
It was Noevian. Some time passed before he closed the door and locked it again. As if the time outside and inside were different because of the closet door, Noevian’s actions were very slow. In the meantime, I caught all the heavy breathing and wrapped my arms around myself to hide my presence. Through the vents, I could see the entrance where he came in and the bed where I had been lying for two years. Noevian sat down on the bed and held a half-empty bottle of alcohol in his hand. He then took a pill bottle out of his bosom, put a few pills in his mouth, and drank the remaining alcohol in one go. Then, after a long while of heavy breathing, he collapsed onto the bed with his torso still swaying.
"..n."
“...”
“...Adrienne.”
He was groaning as if he had just run at full speed, and then he muttered something and began to sob softly. I stared at him, frozen like a stuffed animal. His soft sobs showed no sign of stopping until the sunset sky darkened. He must have already had a lot to drink, because the smell of alcohol filled the closet, and I felt drunk.
'Why, now?'
What would I have done if I'd seen him like that earlier, if I'd told him about my situation, whether he thought I was crazy for feeling sorry for him or not?
The inside of my stomach that had been rumbling since a while ago was definitely a result of my disgust at seeing that sight. What kind of courage did I have?
I opened the closet door and crossed the dark bedroom without a single candle. The strong smell of strange medicine and alcohol was so strong that it made my nose numb.
“...Rienne. Adrienne, Adrienne... !”
“...Rienne. Adrienne, Adrienne... !”
“Noevian.”
The thumping heart and the crying that was coming out suddenly stopped. Noevian’s eyes, which had raised his head from where he was lying on the bed, were already unfocused. However, his distorted expression showed how much he was suffering, and it made me even more angry. I couldn’t understand what he had done so well that he was missing me and crying.
“..Why did you betray me?”
At that moment, Noevian's breathing, which had been rapid, suddenly stopped.
***
Noevian then began to howl softly as if he had actually encountered my ghost. As the howling grew louder and shook the bedroom floor, I moved closer to try to calm him down. I wanted to talk a little more before someone came in startled by the noise. Maybe I could find out why he killed me. Why he had a secret mistress.
"Betrayal?"
The voice he managed to utter as if he was vomiting was quite pitiful. Noevian grabbed the bed sheet with both hands and started laughing, shaking his shoulders. He looked like a crazy person.
“That’s something you could do only when you loved me.”
The voice that came out with a hollow laugh became small as if it was about to disappear, but then grew louder again.
“You never loved me. Adrienne. Adrienne... I, I never had anything that was mine. You are no exception.”
I looked down at him with a cold expression and said nothing.
“But I wasn’t. At least I was. I loved you. Even now, even now... If not, look at me! I can’t sleep without alcohol, and I can only see you in illusions, and yet I’m so miserable... I can only fall asleep like this!”
“You have a government?”
“...That woman is just a substitute for you.”
I laughed. It was funny to think about how I had dragged myself out of bed all this time, trying to please Noevian, when I could hear so many things from him.
“That substitute is now the real Grand Duchess. How is it, are you satisfied now?”
Even though he said he loved me, he overlooked all of Blie's reckless actions, condoned them, and couldn't let her go. I raised the corners of my mouth as if I were mocking her and continued.
“If that’s the case, then isn’t it that you love that woman and not me?”
"No!!"
Noevian cried out, half-conscious, his eyes bloodshot.
“No, no... no! Adrienne.”
Noevian tried to grab me by waving his hands as if I was right in front of him, even though I was a few steps away. And he kept mumbling something like that, just like the first time. I waited patiently for Noevian. He staggered while sitting. He didn't seem to be in a state to speak properly, but it was amazing how he could think and speak.
"But..."
After muttering something under his breath for a while, intelligible words finally began to flow from Noevian's mouth.
“But, what can I do?”
Laughter burst out again from Noevian's mouth, which was slowly blinking while staring into space, not at me.
“Everything I have is an illusion.”
“...”
“If there is no Emperor. If there is no Crown Prince, then there is no one who has nothing. That is me, Adrienne.”
I stared at the unfamiliar Noevian persistently. It was so unfamiliar that I couldn't take my eyes off of him. The sincerity of a person with no flaws makes people feel strange.
“Instead of the Emperor who pretends to be a good man, I have blood on my hands. I must establish the Emperor’s son, not me, as the next Emperor. There will be blood flowing down the road. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much effort I put in... All I have is the barren north and this huge Grand Duke’s residence, which can be taken away at any time with a single word from the Emperor...”
It was the first time I heard such words from him, so I just quietly listened to what he said. He got up from the bed, overcome with emotion, staggered, and stood up straight. But for a moment, he staggered as if he would fall down at any moment if I hit him. I saw it clearly, but I didn’t stop him.
“Even this is subject to all kinds of interference and surveillance. Not a single servant is chosen by my own hands. Surrounded by things that are mine but not mine, in this false life, I...”
Noevian, who was walking towards me with great effort not to fall, grabbed my shoulders tightly.
“What can I do? I, I...”
Noevian's face, repeating the same words, was right in front of me. The strong smell of alcohol and drugs seemed to invade my head. If it had been like before, I would have hugged him and cried together during the confession, but was it because I had already been shocked more than once?
"Betrayal?"
The voice he managed to utter as if he was vomiting was quite pitiful. Noevian grabbed the bed sheet with both hands and started laughing, shaking his shoulders. He looked like a crazy person.
“That’s something you could do only when you loved me.”
The voice that came out with a hollow laugh became small as if it was about to disappear, but then grew louder again.
“You never loved me. Adrienne. Adrienne... I, I never had anything that was mine. You are no exception.”
I looked down at him with a cold expression and said nothing.
“But I wasn’t. At least I was. I loved you. Even now, even now... If not, look at me! I can’t sleep without alcohol, and I can only see you in illusions, and yet I’m so miserable... I can only fall asleep like this!”
“You have a government?”
“...That woman is just a substitute for you.”
I laughed. It was funny to think about how I had dragged myself out of bed all this time, trying to please Noevian, when I could hear so many things from him.
“That substitute is now the real Grand Duchess. How is it, are you satisfied now?”
Even though he said he loved me, he overlooked all of Blie's reckless actions, condoned them, and couldn't let her go. I raised the corners of my mouth as if I were mocking her and continued.
“If that’s the case, then isn’t it that you love that woman and not me?”
"No!!"
Noevian cried out, half-conscious, his eyes bloodshot.
“No, no... no! Adrienne.”
Noevian tried to grab me by waving his hands as if I was right in front of him, even though I was a few steps away. And he kept mumbling something like that, just like the first time. I waited patiently for Noevian. He staggered while sitting. He didn't seem to be in a state to speak properly, but it was amazing how he could think and speak.
"But..."
After muttering something under his breath for a while, intelligible words finally began to flow from Noevian's mouth.
“But, what can I do?”
Laughter burst out again from Noevian's mouth, which was slowly blinking while staring into space, not at me.
“Everything I have is an illusion.”
“...”
“If there is no Emperor. If there is no Crown Prince, then there is no one who has nothing. That is me, Adrienne.”
I stared at the unfamiliar Noevian persistently. It was so unfamiliar that I couldn't take my eyes off of him. The sincerity of a person with no flaws makes people feel strange.
“Instead of the Emperor who pretends to be a good man, I have blood on my hands. I must establish the Emperor’s son, not me, as the next Emperor. There will be blood flowing down the road. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much effort I put in... All I have is the barren north and this huge Grand Duke’s residence, which can be taken away at any time with a single word from the Emperor...”
It was the first time I heard such words from him, so I just quietly listened to what he said. He got up from the bed, overcome with emotion, staggered, and stood up straight. But for a moment, he staggered as if he would fall down at any moment if I hit him. I saw it clearly, but I didn’t stop him.
“Even this is subject to all kinds of interference and surveillance. Not a single servant is chosen by my own hands. Surrounded by things that are mine but not mine, in this false life, I...”
Noevian, who was walking towards me with great effort not to fall, grabbed my shoulders tightly.
“What can I do? I, I...”
Noevian's face, repeating the same words, was right in front of me. The strong smell of alcohol and drugs seemed to invade my head. If it had been like before, I would have hugged him and cried together during the confession, but was it because I had already been shocked more than once?
No matter how long I listened, in the end, it was just endless excuses. Killing me. Making another woman his mistress and making me mock myself in the diary. Thinking about the misunderstandings he had caused and how even Rhodnes almost died, I couldn't look kindly at the man in front of me.
“...Yes, what can you do? No matter how much you call and look for me, I’m already dead. So now, try to find some small happiness by keeping a substitute by your side.”
'You will be overcome with despair at the thought that even that substitute is not yours.'
I smiled quite affectionately. Noevian, who had been staring at my smiling face, suddenly stopped staggering as if he had been slightly shocked and stood. What was between us was an endless silence. Noevian, who had been blinking slowly, suddenly grabbed his head. When I saw that his deep blue pupils were about to roll back, I pushed Noevian’s chest, which was right in front of my nose, and sent him to bed. Noevian, who had stumbled several times, lost consciousness and fell onto the bed while still holding his head. I tried shaking him awake, but he didn’t move at all as if he had frozen in that state. I looked down at Noevian, who had collapsed as if he was dead, and took the bundle of keys out of his arms and took them.
“I’ll take this. It was mine originally.”
Then, I looked at Noevian's shirt collar without hesitation and was soon disappointed. My mother's necklace was gone. There was one more thing to find in the Grand Duke's residence.
“...Yes, what can you do? No matter how much you call and look for me, I’m already dead. So now, try to find some small happiness by keeping a substitute by your side.”
'You will be overcome with despair at the thought that even that substitute is not yours.'
I smiled quite affectionately. Noevian, who had been staring at my smiling face, suddenly stopped staggering as if he had been slightly shocked and stood. What was between us was an endless silence. Noevian, who had been blinking slowly, suddenly grabbed his head. When I saw that his deep blue pupils were about to roll back, I pushed Noevian’s chest, which was right in front of my nose, and sent him to bed. Noevian, who had stumbled several times, lost consciousness and fell onto the bed while still holding his head. I tried shaking him awake, but he didn’t move at all as if he had frozen in that state. I looked down at Noevian, who had collapsed as if he was dead, and took the bundle of keys out of his arms and took them.
“I’ll take this. It was mine originally.”
Then, I looked at Noevian's shirt collar without hesitation and was soon disappointed. My mother's necklace was gone. There was one more thing to find in the Grand Duke's residence.
I quickly cleaned up the surroundings as if nothing had happened and went to the bathroom door. Finally, I looked around the room and felt strange seeing Noevian lying on the bed where I had died like a corpse.
"...Ah."
As I watched him cry, the emotions that had been quietly seething somewhere beneath my body began to drip from my eyes. They were all these messy emotions that had been building up. What did it matter if he was drunk, on drugs, or crying?
‘Underneath this floor, I am standing on... my body will soon rot without even being allowed to cry.’
As soon as I had that thought, my tears stopped. I opened the bathroom door as if I was opening a door to a new world. I didn’t even look at the bedroom where Noevian was lying. I soaked my body in the already cold bathtub and washed my whole body clean. When I entered Noevian’s bedroom, I saw Jonah pacing around anxiously.
“Madam! I was worried that I should go in since you’ve been out for so long!”
I reassured Jonah and went back to my originally assigned bedroom. I hid the key I got from Noevian well and told Jonah to never let anyone else clean my room.
"...Ah."
As I watched him cry, the emotions that had been quietly seething somewhere beneath my body began to drip from my eyes. They were all these messy emotions that had been building up. What did it matter if he was drunk, on drugs, or crying?
‘Underneath this floor, I am standing on... my body will soon rot without even being allowed to cry.’
As soon as I had that thought, my tears stopped. I opened the bathroom door as if I was opening a door to a new world. I didn’t even look at the bedroom where Noevian was lying. I soaked my body in the already cold bathtub and washed my whole body clean. When I entered Noevian’s bedroom, I saw Jonah pacing around anxiously.
“Madam! I was worried that I should go in since you’ve been out for so long!”
I reassured Jonah and went back to my originally assigned bedroom. I hid the key I got from Noevian well and told Jonah to never let anyone else clean my room.
***
The next day. Noevian woke up at noon and opened his eyes, clutching his head that felt like it was going to explode. It had been a long time since he had been so heavily drugged that he couldn’t move a hand. Frowning for a long time and holding his temple, he recalled the vision of Adrienne that had come to him so vividly in his vague memories. Had he ever poured out all the words he had been holding in his heart so earnestly?
He remembered pouring out a lot of words. He couldn’t remember Adrienne’s expression or what she had said. However, even amid his head-splitting pain, the memory of Adrienne sadly laughing and saying that she was already dead was strangely vivid, making his stomach turn and feel nauseous.
Knock knock-.
Noevian, who had come into his bedroom, let out a low sigh at the sound of someone bringing food.
“I’m not eating...”
“You should eat.”
“I’m not eating...”
“You should eat.”
He wasn't going to eat it, but the person who brought it in was Blie. On the wooden tray Blie was holding, there was freshly baked, fragrant bread, giving off warm steam like a wisp.
“I think you’d feel good if you could smell something delicious as soon as you opened your eyes.”
'When I get healthy, I'll wake up early the day after you come and prepare breakfast for you. You'll be able to smell the delicious aroma as soon as you open your eyes.'
Suddenly recalling his honeymoon with Adrienne, Noevian forgot his headache and stared at Blie, who was calmly giving instructions to the maid to set up the table.
'Even though you say you love me, you overlook all of Blie's reckless actions, tolerate them, and cannot let her go.'
'If that's the case, then maybe you're starting to love that woman and not me?'
No matter how hard Noevian tried to remember, the voice in the vision that he couldn't recall suddenly popped out and kept knocking on his mind.
“I think you’d feel good if you could smell something delicious as soon as you opened your eyes.”
'When I get healthy, I'll wake up early the day after you come and prepare breakfast for you. You'll be able to smell the delicious aroma as soon as you open your eyes.'
Suddenly recalling his honeymoon with Adrienne, Noevian forgot his headache and stared at Blie, who was calmly giving instructions to the maid to set up the table.
'Even though you say you love me, you overlook all of Blie's reckless actions, tolerate them, and cannot let her go.'
'If that's the case, then maybe you're starting to love that woman and not me?'
No matter how hard Noevian tried to remember, the voice in the vision that he couldn't recall suddenly popped out and kept knocking on his mind.
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