“Claudel. The baby is dead.”
The moment I heard Valquiterre's words, an invisible crack appeared in my head as if thunder had struck.
I could no longer think normally.
“They say the birth itself went smoothly.”
The sound I heard did not reach my head.
“But when the baby was born, the baby was already...”
The man’s voice, conveying the horrible truth like water bouncing off oil, lingered in my head without permeating my mind.
“They say that premature babies can do that.”
“...No. That... can’t be.”
I shook my head helplessly.
“Doctor said he was very healthy until yesterday.”
I went to the doctor every day. He placed something like a trumpet over my swollen belly and listened to the sounds the baby was making.
“He’s very healthy.”
I exclaimed in admiration that I could hear it clearly even through my clothes, and for a moment, I thought of Kaian.
If the father was half that person, then the baby that was born would definitely be just as healthy.
I resented the man who made my situation so sad, but if he resembled him, I thought that the baby would be strong like his father, so that was good.
Unlike me, I wanted a healthy and energetic child to be born.
So I hoped that the child could go anywhere, far away, where he could live without being tied down by the family name.
“It’s common for children who haven’t completed their full term to go wrong.”
“Ah. Aah..”
I could no longer think normally.
“They say the birth itself went smoothly.”
The sound I heard did not reach my head.
“But when the baby was born, the baby was already...”
The man’s voice, conveying the horrible truth like water bouncing off oil, lingered in my head without permeating my mind.
“They say that premature babies can do that.”
“...No. That... can’t be.”
I shook my head helplessly.
“Doctor said he was very healthy until yesterday.”
I went to the doctor every day. He placed something like a trumpet over my swollen belly and listened to the sounds the baby was making.
“He’s very healthy.”
I exclaimed in admiration that I could hear it clearly even through my clothes, and for a moment, I thought of Kaian.
If the father was half that person, then the baby that was born would definitely be just as healthy.
I resented the man who made my situation so sad, but if he resembled him, I thought that the baby would be strong like his father, so that was good.
Unlike me, I wanted a healthy and energetic child to be born.
So I hoped that the child could go anywhere, far away, where he could live without being tied down by the family name.
“It’s common for children who haven’t completed their full term to go wrong.”
“Ah. Aah..”
Every time I shook my head, tears flowed alternately down my temples, left and right.
“Don’t lie. Sob.”
As I sobbed, straining my strength, Valquiterre tightly shut his mouth with a heavy face.
“My baby. Where is my baby? Bring him here right now!”
My body, which had opened briefly to give birth and then closed, creaked like a doll with broken joints.
However, I turned my body to the side and supported myself with my arms, forcing myself to get up. The anxiety grew stronger as I struggled to hold on.
Usually, even right after giving birth, after the labor pains subsided, you would sit comfortably, smile, and hold the baby or breastfeed the baby that was not yet ready.
'I can't believe I can't move this much just because I gave birth .'
I studied hard all the time on how to raise the baby after giving birth. I met with the maids who would help me take care of the baby and the midwife who would deliver the baby several times and heard stories about childbirth. I was told that all I had to do was listen to what the midwife said.
The path for a baby to come to its mother was narrow and arduous, but if I did as the midwife said, it would go smoothly, so I tried to think only about that. The sudden birth that came without a care in the world made it impossible to control the depth and timing of my breathing.
I inhaled and exhaled as I was told, and I had to put all my effort into telling myself not to use my upper abdomen but to use my lower abdomen.
It wasn’t a difficult birth, but the baby, still small and fragile, hadn’t completed the full ten months and should have come down easily.
I tried to get out of bed, struggling because my body, so sore that I couldn’t even stand up, felt like evidence of the baby’s absence.
“The baby looks like you.”
“Looks like me...”
Valquiterre said heavily.
“It wasn’t a child that Kaian could accept anyway.”
My body trembled uncontrollably at the words that sounded like a sentence.
My entire body, starting from my fingertips, went cold.
‘What if I were born a child of Temnes?’
I tried not to think about it, but contrary to my intentions, I often imagined it.
Black hair and red eyes.
Could a child who looked exactly like his father change the heart of a heartless person?
It was just a fleeting hope torture.
Otherwise, it would be hard to bear the guilt of feeling sorry for a baby who had been swept up in misfortune before it was even born. I might have been fooling myself into thinking that Kaian would love a baby with golden eyes like me.
“I think it’s better not to look.”
Suddenly.
It felt as if an ice nail had been driven into my heart and my heartbeat had stopped.
Valquiterre looked at me with a gloomy expression, as if he was reluctant.
“But if you really want to say goodbye for the last time...”
...A final greeting.
Beside me, a hungry beast of a reaper was wandering.
My mother, the villagers.
My father.
When I had been infected with Herzol, even I had been prey to death.
However, these were not words to say to a baby.
“The last time...”
Gasp.
At that moment, my eyes darkened and I couldn’t breathe.
I collapsed.
***
I didn’t get up for several days.
The driving force that quickly recovered my body from the pain of labor was the joy of having a baby.
Don’t mothers quickly forget the terrible moment when their bones opened and closed as they watched the vitality flowing vividly from their small, writhing bodies?
However, I was trapped in that day that would never end.
The baby was my only blood relative.
I, who missed my parents and was hungry for love, wasn’t loved by my husband either.
However, once the baby was born, the love I gave to the child seemed like it would scrape the bottom of my soul.
The sense of loss from losing the baby broke my spirit.
Just as a cracked bowl leaked out its contents, my heart could no longer contain anything.
My body, which had been lying down with a fever, quickly weakened, so the doctor tried to get me up and feed me food and medicine, but I didn’t want to get up.
'I want to disappear.'
If only tomorrow had never come, if only I could not open my eyes.
Thinking of the baby who had left without even being able to hold my hand, I felt helpless and could not do anything. Now, all the things that I had to do, no matter what, were gone.
'I would do anything to save the baby.'
If only I could really pray to God, if only I could save the baby and die instead, I would do it.
However, since such a thing was impossible, I lost my will to live, became feverish, and suffered.
Sometimes I hallucinated.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
When I heard the sound of a very, very small baby crying from afar, calling me, I would open my eyes wide even though I had fallen into a deep sleep due to the medicine I had been forced to take.
"...Can't you hear it?"
The maid who had been sitting next to me tilted her head.
"What are you talking about?"
"The sound of a baby crying."
Oh, oh, oh.
Couldn't she hear the sound of a very, very small baby crying so hard that I almost lost my breath?
“It’s so quiet.”
The maid answered awkwardly and slowly got up from her seat.
“If you don’t like the silence, would you like me to read you a book?”
“No.”
I wanted to hear the baby’s cries more, so much so that my mouth was dry.
“Baby. Take me too.”
The closer and clearer the hallucination became, the more faintly I felt encouraged. My baby must have starved in the afterlife and was looking for his mother.
I barely managed to get up after my fever went down and I headed out of the room, groaning.
...Mouth, groan.
“I can hear it so clearly.”
“You need to rest more.”
“Look. My baby is looking for me.”
The maids exchanged glances with embarrassed faces as they watched me.
I was annoyed by the maids who kept trying to take me to bed. In the meantime, the baby’s cries, which sounded like hallucinations, grew louder, smaller, stopped, and then came again.
I wandered around the floors where I could stay, day and night.
I can hear this crying sound.
The baby is looking for his mother.
I, like a mouse trapped in a narrow maze, circled the floors where I could not escape, looking for a place where I felt the baby’s hallucinations were close by.
“Baby.”
Soon, my feet stopped at the hanging garden.
The baby that I was wondering if it was my hope or a miracle had no name.
Everyone said that they would give their unborn babies at least a name.
The reason I couldn’t do that was because I thought Kaian would give it to the baby.
I thought that he wanted the child too.
He said that he would trust me if I gave birth to the child. I thought that Kaian would welcome the baby’s existence, so I planned to discuss it with him when I told him that I had the baby. After all, it is the father’s right to name a child when he is born.
However, after running away with the unwelcome child, I felt that it was my fault for giving half of Vermont’s blood to this, so I felt ashamed to give him a name, even if it was late.
The name that the mother who could not protect the baby called would not comfort the baby’s soul.
I simply called the nameless baby “baby.” It was obvious that the baby’s heart was beating, and I felt even more sorry for him. Perhaps the baby was upset and left.
I looked down blankly at the Hanging Gardens.
The castle built on a cliff had a wide space like a courtyard toward the castle gate, but behind the castle where the hanging garden was located, there was no distinction between the walls and the building. As I held onto the railing of the terrace that partially protruded outside the wall and looked down, the powerfully flowing river of the Shen River rippled violently.
If I got caught up in that place.
'Can I go to the baby?'
I shed tears on my pale cheeks that had lost their expression.
'No. I can't go.'
The baby would have become an angel in heaven.
However, I had committed many sins, so I thought that even after death I would not be able to go to the baby.
The place where the poor young soul would stay and the place where I would have to atone for my sins would not be the same.
"Claudel!"
At that moment, Valquiterre hurriedly pulled me from behind.
"No. What are you doing that's so dangerous?"
He hugged me as if he was very surprised and slowly stepped back.
"You didn't think you had any bad thoughts..."
"I didn't think about dying."
In fact, I had hoped for it a little, but there was no need to explain it to Valquiterre now.
“Thank goodness.”
What was fortunate?
“But I don’t know why I should live.”
My heart was broken.
The devil’s whispers seeped into the cracked space.
“At least get revenge.”
Couldn't she hear the sound of a very, very small baby crying so hard that I almost lost my breath?
“It’s so quiet.”
The maid answered awkwardly and slowly got up from her seat.
“If you don’t like the silence, would you like me to read you a book?”
“No.”
I wanted to hear the baby’s cries more, so much so that my mouth was dry.
“Baby. Take me too.”
The closer and clearer the hallucination became, the more faintly I felt encouraged. My baby must have starved in the afterlife and was looking for his mother.
I barely managed to get up after my fever went down and I headed out of the room, groaning.
...Mouth, groan.
“I can hear it so clearly.”
“You need to rest more.”
“Look. My baby is looking for me.”
The maids exchanged glances with embarrassed faces as they watched me.
I was annoyed by the maids who kept trying to take me to bed. In the meantime, the baby’s cries, which sounded like hallucinations, grew louder, smaller, stopped, and then came again.
I wandered around the floors where I could stay, day and night.
I can hear this crying sound.
The baby is looking for his mother.
I, like a mouse trapped in a narrow maze, circled the floors where I could not escape, looking for a place where I felt the baby’s hallucinations were close by.
“Baby.”
Soon, my feet stopped at the hanging garden.
The baby that I was wondering if it was my hope or a miracle had no name.
Everyone said that they would give their unborn babies at least a name.
The reason I couldn’t do that was because I thought Kaian would give it to the baby.
I thought that he wanted the child too.
He said that he would trust me if I gave birth to the child. I thought that Kaian would welcome the baby’s existence, so I planned to discuss it with him when I told him that I had the baby. After all, it is the father’s right to name a child when he is born.
However, after running away with the unwelcome child, I felt that it was my fault for giving half of Vermont’s blood to this, so I felt ashamed to give him a name, even if it was late.
The name that the mother who could not protect the baby called would not comfort the baby’s soul.
I simply called the nameless baby “baby.” It was obvious that the baby’s heart was beating, and I felt even more sorry for him. Perhaps the baby was upset and left.
I looked down blankly at the Hanging Gardens.
The castle built on a cliff had a wide space like a courtyard toward the castle gate, but behind the castle where the hanging garden was located, there was no distinction between the walls and the building. As I held onto the railing of the terrace that partially protruded outside the wall and looked down, the powerfully flowing river of the Shen River rippled violently.
If I got caught up in that place.
'Can I go to the baby?'
I shed tears on my pale cheeks that had lost their expression.
'No. I can't go.'
The baby would have become an angel in heaven.
However, I had committed many sins, so I thought that even after death I would not be able to go to the baby.
The place where the poor young soul would stay and the place where I would have to atone for my sins would not be the same.
"Claudel!"
At that moment, Valquiterre hurriedly pulled me from behind.
"No. What are you doing that's so dangerous?"
He hugged me as if he was very surprised and slowly stepped back.
"You didn't think you had any bad thoughts..."
"I didn't think about dying."
In fact, I had hoped for it a little, but there was no need to explain it to Valquiterre now.
“Thank goodness.”
What was fortunate?
“But I don’t know why I should live.”
My heart was broken.
The devil’s whispers seeped into the cracked space.
“At least get revenge.”
Support Novellate!
Comments
Post a Comment