I couldn't understand why my confession was rejected, but I tried to understand.
Kaian told me that not liking me didn't mean liking.
But I didn't know that Kaian would do this to me after rejecting my confession.
He behaved like my dominatrix, completely owning me.
The night I returned from the prom.
Without any time to ease the shock and pain of his rejection, I had to spend the night with him.
I didn't want to see Kaian that day, but as always, he didn't care how I felt.
I don't know why, but Kaian seemed more excited than other times that night.
How good would it have been if his sincerity had been put into the hot touch of the man who wanted me?
I would rather cry.
It seemed like my feelings of not being able to cry properly were not fully conveyed to Kaian.
But I had squandered all my life's worth of crying at a young age, so even if something like this happened, I couldn't cry.
"Kiss me."
When I didn't move willingly, Kaian just stared at me.
Even with men whose facial expressions don't change dramatically, I get used to it and can tell what he's thinking from his eyes. There were times when I was happy about it.
But I didn't want to know anything right now.
His red eyes inside were clearly speaking to me.
‘You like me anyway. You won't be able to refuse me.'
Unfortunately, it was true.
Because I like him, I want to do whatever he asks me to do.
I was in a position where I was happy just to be able to do that.
Even though my confession was rejected, it didn't change anything or change anything.
I cupped Kaian's face with both my hands and kissed him. I touched his lips lightly, like a bird pecking at feed, and he let out a laugh as if he couldn't bear it.
“Do you think it will turn out like this?”
“...”
Kaian enjoyed my lips for a while.
His hand came inside my loosely opened gown and caressed my slender waist over the thin nightgown as if tickling it.
“You need to get better quickly so you can do better things.”
Even after kissing me to his heart's content, he said this, shocking me.
Kaian was a really bad guy.
He told me what he thought was the truth, and completely ignored everything I said.
I clearly conveyed my thoughts to him.
How do I take it when he treats me like this?
Please don't do it if I don't want to.
I misunderstand when you act like this. I'm looking forward to it.
However, the man who refused to confess was very friendly.
There was no difference in his attitude before and after my confession as if he had never heard such a thing from me.
Sometimes, I felt miserable when he acted like this as if he was looking at me in a funny way as if he could somehow control me.
It was true that nobles had a nobler status than commoners, but even for men, children and wives who had not yet reached adulthood were subordinate to the head of the household.
When I got married to Temnes, I prepared my mind that I might be abused.
But I never dreamed that something like this would break my heart.
I tried to remain calm.
'The more comfortable I become, the more I want.'
It seems like it was just yesterday that I wished he wouldn't send me to a monastery or something, but looking at it objectively, it goes without saying that my current situation was good.
No matter how much I try to control my mind by capturing all my thoughts and repeating them as if brainwashing myself.
'How do I get angry when I see Kaian?'
Yet, I was still in love with that man and I was dependent on him.
So, I become the underdog.
The one who liked more and liked first has committed some crime, so why should it end up like this?
I felt sorry for myself and became increasingly depressed.
“If I finish work early in the afternoon, shall we go for a walk together?”
“You’re busy. It's okay."
Kaian's eyebrows twitched.
“Go out and walk, even if it’s just for support. The doctor said that if you move your body, your vitality will come back faster.”
Look at this. No matter what I say, he doesn't even listen.
That's because I had a crush on Kaian, and when I secretly admired him, there were times when I was excited that he was taking care of me as I pleased, but now it was annoying.
“I’ll send an attendant, so get ready.”
"Yes."
What I could say was limited.
***
On the day of departure for the capital, I felt lonely as I watched Rowen Castle receding into the distance.
Because I had this strange feeling that somehow I would never come back.
Eventually, my body returned to Rowen Castle, but my injured mind was never the same.
At that time, my premonition was half correct.
I felt like the day when I thought I loved him purely would never come again.
I walked slowly through the garden holding hands with Kaian.
“I told them not to let anyone in or out. You don’t go for walks these days?”
“I guess the trip was difficult.”
I turned around.
I had my own reasons for not wanting to take a walk in the garden, and I knew exactly why.
'Can I kiss you?'
The patronage of Rowen Castle was a place full of memories for me.
It was also the place where I became aware of my feelings, which I had been ignoring as a family type, asking if I might like him and have a crush on my husband.
It was also the place where I saw Kaian's brightly smiling face for the first time, and it was also the place where I fell in love with that refreshing sound of laughter.
The place where I spent the most time with him was definitely the bedroom, but other than the bedroom, of course, it was the garden.
Here, we drank tea together and ate together as if we were on a picnic.
On a sunny day, we sat down under the shade of a tree to rest and even kissed sweetly.
“You came several times a day.”
That was when my feelings for him burst into flower buds, like flowers blooming in abundance on the shore of the garden Lake.
“You’ve become lazy. I have to come with you every day.”
After my confession was rejected, my heart was shaken as if the sky had fallen, and I had no desire to come to support.
Even when he came, there were only faded memories that had become past tense.
I secretly practiced swimming in hopes of surprising him.
'It's meaningless.'
I didn't think I could show him swimming anymore.
I thought that Kaian would smile, be surprised, and be happy if I told him that I was this good at it because I learned it from him.
After Kaian told me that he didn't like me, everything turned negative for me.
The fact that I was happy, encouraged, and congratulated others on their accomplishments was due to my likeability.
Otherwise, there is no need for me to exert such force.
I, who had lost confidence, did not think that I would be happy to show him something like that.
When Kaian dragged me out forcibly, that place was found to be innocent. It was still full of corners that I liked just by looking at it.
But again, a sad feeling rose up.
The place that could have been my dating mecca has already faded away.
If Kaian had accepted my confession, I had the heart to grant his wish for once.
He always subtly begged me to kiss him, which I was allowed to do, never outside of thr bedroom.
I want to do it under the tree by the lake where we had our first kiss.
“Sponsorship is not a crime.”
I said the words I had been mulling over without realizing it.
“What do you mean?”
"No. Nothing."
I let go of his hand and grabbed the hem of my dress. Then I strengthened my legs and walked faster.
“Walk slowly. You can’t overdo it.”
"It's okay."
My legs were fine. The crowd was on my mind.
I don't want to walk side by side with him.
I hope that the pretense of going for a walk together ends quickly.
“Claudel!”
Kaian called out to me from behind, but I hurried my steps even further.
However, I quickly caught up to him as he walked towards me without any effort to resist.
"What are you doing? I told you not to overdo it.”
“I hate you.”
His eyes widened.
“I hate you so much.”
I shook off his hand and ran.
It was my first time running like this since I injured my leg.
"Ha. Ha."
Perhaps because my body had been weakened for some time, my breathing became heavy.
I want to hide somewhere.
To a place where that man's eyes can't reach.
Unrequited love was basically something you could just look at if you pressed the desire to make it come true.
But now, every time I see Kaian, I feel hurt.
A man who seemed to feel superior and that he had the upper hand emotionally while not accepting my heart was so disappointing.
The sun was shining and it was a nice day.
Bleached white cloth fluttered on a long clothesline hanging from the back gate of the castle to the side of the road leading to the back garden.
I went in between them, feeling like I was being chased.
White cloth fluttered in the wind under the blue sky.
I hoped that even a single layer of my fragility that seemed as if it would fly away with a gust of wind would hide me from his eyes for now.
I stopped in place as the pain throbbed my legs.
Because my breathing was so heavy, the sound of my heart beating louder was heard as I held my breath to avoid making any signs of presence.
Thud. Thud. Thud.
Every time the laundry fluttered, my heart also trembled as if it were being hung out to dry.
“Claudel.”
To my surprise, his voice could be heard from a short distance away.
In an instant, his hand reached out from between the white sheets and grabbed me, pulling me into his familiar embrace.
Through the scent of the soap, the scent of his body penetrated into my body and enveloped me.
“You need to be aware.”
His voice was lower than usual.
“What do I think about every time you turn your back on me?”
“What are you thinking...”
My questions were not answered.
Instead of Kaian answering, he covered my mouth.
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