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Annette raised her head at the somewhat unexpected question. The moon was hidden behind drifting clouds. Heiner's face appeared dark, shadowed.
"I've always been nothing to you. Even when we were at our best, and even when I ruined your life."
"Is that something Your Excellency should say? I was nothing to Your Excellency."
“At least I hated you!”
That sentence was filled with raw emotion. Annette's eyes widened slightly. Heiner closed his mouth as if trying to suppress himself, then blurted out a half-slurred sentence.
“Well then, at least.”
“...”
“At least... isn’t it right for you to hate me for the rest of your life?”
“...”
“How can I always be like this... nothing?”
The edge of his voice trembled slightly. He sounded like someone who had been missing for a very long time and then returned.
He seemed surprised, angry, and sad. Annette tried to fathom these emotions before giving up.
She erased all the words that were swirling around in her mouth. There was no point in further embellishment in this relationship.
Annette took another step back from him.
“Your Excellency, I.”
For some reason, her throat tightened, and she stopped speaking. She barely managed to continue.
“I never want to see you again... in this kind of situation... I’ll be going now.”
Annette, who had spoken as if declaring something, immediately turned around. The dark grass gave off an eerie feeling. She continued on her way.
She had barely taken a few steps when she was grabbed by the shoulder. A weak but stubborn force forced her back.
Annette, who had turned around again, flinched. His face was right in front of her. His gray eyes were dark and fiery, like a shell-crater.
Annette stared at him, unable to even think about freeing his grip. Their breaths mingled within a few feet.
A cricket chirped among the swaying grass. Slowly, his mouth opened.
“Annette.”
“...”
“Annette. To you...”
The tightly clenched voice broke off intermittently. The grip holding her arm lost its strength. Heiner hesitated for a moment.
What came out after a long hesitation was an utterly helpless confession.
“...I didn’t mean to be mad at you.”
“...”
“This is... not how I intended to meet you again.”
For some reason, those words took her breath away.
Annette carefully pulled her arm out of his grasp. Heiner stood there, staring at her, like a child who had lost a precious balloon.
“...I divorced you according to your wishes because you said you wanted to live. If I had known I would see you throw your life away in a place like this, I would never have let you go.”
“It’s already a finished story.”
“Annette, let’s go back to Launceston.”
“...What do you mean?”
"You can buy a townhouse instead of a residence and live there. I can't promise to give you back your old life, where everything never happened."
He moved his lips slowly as if choosing his words.
“But what you want─”
"No."
Annette avoided his gaze and spoke firmly.
“We’ve come this far.”
“Annette.”
“I don’t know exactly what you want from me, Your Excellency, but I have nothing more to offer you.”
“...”
"It would be best if we didn't meet. It would only hurt both of us."
Heiner didn't answer. Annette read between the lines in the silence.
He acted like he didn't know what to say the whole time, but it wasn't because he had nothing to say. It was because he had so much to say.
Annette also had many questions for him. Why had he summoned her again? What on earth did he want from her?
Why... is he acting like he’s trying to hold on to his past lover?
But she didn't ask anything. And she didn't intend to ask anything.
In reality, Heiner's words and actions, which seemed to indicate that he still had feelings for his ex-lover, did not reach her at all.
In the past, Heiner had pretended to truly love her. But everything he had shown was a lie.
It wasn't that she was resenting Heiner for that incident. It was just that she couldn't trust the words he was offering her, even though they were supposedly for her benefit.
No matter how much Heiner approached her, bending down as if he were innocent, Annette could only wonder what kind of revenge was left.
"If you insist on issuing the discharge order, I have no choice but to comply. Why ask me separately? You'll do as you see fit anyway."
“...”
“I hope we never meet again in private, Your Excellency the Commander-in-Chief.”
Annette, who had finished her sentence with a cold tone, turned away again. A cold breeze brushed her cheek. This time, there was no voice or hand to grab her.
The winter night deepened.
Heiner has been having nightmares like this for some time now.
He didn't know it was a dream when he saw that woman in his dream, but now, when he sees that woman, he realizes it is a dream.
That's probably why.
Her silhouette standing quietly among the grass was terribly unrealistic.
Heiner lived each day wandering through dreams. Most of them he couldn't even remember clearly, but the cause and effect were always clear.
As the cause and effect of a life that has been persistently continued have always been clear.
It was ridiculous. Life couldn't be like this. It was just erasing one woman from his world. It made no sense to be struggling with such a terrible emptiness.
He felt like something had been completely taken away from him.
Even though he knew in his head that there was no reason to meet that woman, that he shouldn't meet her, that was why he ended up coming to see her.
The chirping of insects slowly subsided. The world was plunged into a dark silence.
Heiner leaned against the wall, his head hunched over. The moonlight that had been streaming through the air was completely obscured. He held his breath beneath the shadow of the wall.
“If you treated me at least as a human being, you wouldn’t be able to do this.”
"...Ha."
A bitter sneer flowed out.
Katrin Grott said the same thing: even if it wasn't love, respect her choices as a human being.
It was a ridiculous story.
He witnessed with his own eyes the woman on the brink of death. And yet, telling him to sit by and watch as she crawled back to her death was as good as telling her to do it again.
He really didn't mean to mess up the conversation. He was just afraid.
The woman who said she would return to the front lines, the woman who had never even considered making a promise to live, the woman who dismissed all of this as meaningless...
It felt so easy that she could just give up her life again.
'Why did it end up like this again?'
He thought with empty eyes.
He knew Annette might object to the order to move, but he intended to try to resolve the issue through dialogue.
Of course, there was a certain degree of confidence behind that thought.
Heiner assumed Annette would be completely worn down by this life. The battlefield was no place for a woman of noble birth to endure.
He expected that if he hinted at the next battle with a suitable congratulation and suggested a discharge, she would accept it and pretend not to win.
“I hope we never see each other in private again.”
I expected that...
“Your Excellency, the Commander-in-Chief.”
Come to think of it, how many times has that woman lived up to his expectations?
Heiner always tried to superimpose his old fantasies and delusions on her image.
An elegant swan. A princess of noble blood, seemingly woven from all the precious things in the world. A weak and beautiful woman, inheriting the selfish habits of blue blood.
At some point, he couldn't even tell if what he was drawing was the real woman or a distorted memory.
Now, he really doesn't know anything.
“It would be better for us not to meet.”
But he can't let go of it, perhaps because he's a completely broken person.
Heiner straightened up from where he had been leaning against the wall. He put on the officer's cap he was holding and raised his head. His posture was almost compulsively upright.
The previously disheveled appearance had been completely erased. He walked at regular intervals.
“Because it’s a relationship where we only hurt each other.”
"Hurt..."
Heiner muttered blankly as he crossed the backyard.
It was a meaningless remark. His life was already full of wounds. If he was going to be unhappy anyway, it was better to be unhappy next to that woman.
Like a dog tied to a stake and circling around.
Until he can no longer wait for his master...
"I've always been nothing to you. Even when we were at our best, and even when I ruined your life."
"Is that something Your Excellency should say? I was nothing to Your Excellency."
“At least I hated you!”
That sentence was filled with raw emotion. Annette's eyes widened slightly. Heiner closed his mouth as if trying to suppress himself, then blurted out a half-slurred sentence.
“Well then, at least.”
“...”
“At least... isn’t it right for you to hate me for the rest of your life?”
“...”
“How can I always be like this... nothing?”
The edge of his voice trembled slightly. He sounded like someone who had been missing for a very long time and then returned.
He seemed surprised, angry, and sad. Annette tried to fathom these emotions before giving up.
She erased all the words that were swirling around in her mouth. There was no point in further embellishment in this relationship.
Annette took another step back from him.
“Your Excellency, I.”
For some reason, her throat tightened, and she stopped speaking. She barely managed to continue.
“I never want to see you again... in this kind of situation... I’ll be going now.”
Annette, who had spoken as if declaring something, immediately turned around. The dark grass gave off an eerie feeling. She continued on her way.
She had barely taken a few steps when she was grabbed by the shoulder. A weak but stubborn force forced her back.
Annette, who had turned around again, flinched. His face was right in front of her. His gray eyes were dark and fiery, like a shell-crater.
Annette stared at him, unable to even think about freeing his grip. Their breaths mingled within a few feet.
A cricket chirped among the swaying grass. Slowly, his mouth opened.
“Annette.”
“...”
“Annette. To you...”
The tightly clenched voice broke off intermittently. The grip holding her arm lost its strength. Heiner hesitated for a moment.
What came out after a long hesitation was an utterly helpless confession.
“...I didn’t mean to be mad at you.”
“...”
“This is... not how I intended to meet you again.”
For some reason, those words took her breath away.
Annette carefully pulled her arm out of his grasp. Heiner stood there, staring at her, like a child who had lost a precious balloon.
“...I divorced you according to your wishes because you said you wanted to live. If I had known I would see you throw your life away in a place like this, I would never have let you go.”
“It’s already a finished story.”
“Annette, let’s go back to Launceston.”
“...What do you mean?”
"You can buy a townhouse instead of a residence and live there. I can't promise to give you back your old life, where everything never happened."
He moved his lips slowly as if choosing his words.
“But what you want─”
"No."
Annette avoided his gaze and spoke firmly.
“We’ve come this far.”
“Annette.”
“I don’t know exactly what you want from me, Your Excellency, but I have nothing more to offer you.”
“...”
"It would be best if we didn't meet. It would only hurt both of us."
Heiner didn't answer. Annette read between the lines in the silence.
He acted like he didn't know what to say the whole time, but it wasn't because he had nothing to say. It was because he had so much to say.
Annette also had many questions for him. Why had he summoned her again? What on earth did he want from her?
Why... is he acting like he’s trying to hold on to his past lover?
But she didn't ask anything. And she didn't intend to ask anything.
In reality, Heiner's words and actions, which seemed to indicate that he still had feelings for his ex-lover, did not reach her at all.
In the past, Heiner had pretended to truly love her. But everything he had shown was a lie.
It wasn't that she was resenting Heiner for that incident. It was just that she couldn't trust the words he was offering her, even though they were supposedly for her benefit.
No matter how much Heiner approached her, bending down as if he were innocent, Annette could only wonder what kind of revenge was left.
"If you insist on issuing the discharge order, I have no choice but to comply. Why ask me separately? You'll do as you see fit anyway."
“...”
“I hope we never meet again in private, Your Excellency the Commander-in-Chief.”
Annette, who had finished her sentence with a cold tone, turned away again. A cold breeze brushed her cheek. This time, there was no voice or hand to grab her.
The winter night deepened.
***
Heiner has been having nightmares like this for some time now.
He didn't know it was a dream when he saw that woman in his dream, but now, when he sees that woman, he realizes it is a dream.
That's probably why.
Her silhouette standing quietly among the grass was terribly unrealistic.
Heiner lived each day wandering through dreams. Most of them he couldn't even remember clearly, but the cause and effect were always clear.
As the cause and effect of a life that has been persistently continued have always been clear.
It was ridiculous. Life couldn't be like this. It was just erasing one woman from his world. It made no sense to be struggling with such a terrible emptiness.
He felt like something had been completely taken away from him.
Even though he knew in his head that there was no reason to meet that woman, that he shouldn't meet her, that was why he ended up coming to see her.
The chirping of insects slowly subsided. The world was plunged into a dark silence.
Heiner leaned against the wall, his head hunched over. The moonlight that had been streaming through the air was completely obscured. He held his breath beneath the shadow of the wall.
“If you treated me at least as a human being, you wouldn’t be able to do this.”
"...Ha."
A bitter sneer flowed out.
Katrin Grott said the same thing: even if it wasn't love, respect her choices as a human being.
It was a ridiculous story.
He witnessed with his own eyes the woman on the brink of death. And yet, telling him to sit by and watch as she crawled back to her death was as good as telling her to do it again.
He really didn't mean to mess up the conversation. He was just afraid.
The woman who said she would return to the front lines, the woman who had never even considered making a promise to live, the woman who dismissed all of this as meaningless...
It felt so easy that she could just give up her life again.
'Why did it end up like this again?'
He thought with empty eyes.
He knew Annette might object to the order to move, but he intended to try to resolve the issue through dialogue.
Of course, there was a certain degree of confidence behind that thought.
Heiner assumed Annette would be completely worn down by this life. The battlefield was no place for a woman of noble birth to endure.
He expected that if he hinted at the next battle with a suitable congratulation and suggested a discharge, she would accept it and pretend not to win.
“I hope we never see each other in private again.”
I expected that...
“Your Excellency, the Commander-in-Chief.”
Come to think of it, how many times has that woman lived up to his expectations?
Heiner always tried to superimpose his old fantasies and delusions on her image.
An elegant swan. A princess of noble blood, seemingly woven from all the precious things in the world. A weak and beautiful woman, inheriting the selfish habits of blue blood.
At some point, he couldn't even tell if what he was drawing was the real woman or a distorted memory.
Now, he really doesn't know anything.
“It would be better for us not to meet.”
But he can't let go of it, perhaps because he's a completely broken person.
Heiner straightened up from where he had been leaning against the wall. He put on the officer's cap he was holding and raised his head. His posture was almost compulsively upright.
The previously disheveled appearance had been completely erased. He walked at regular intervals.
“Because it’s a relationship where we only hurt each other.”
"Hurt..."
Heiner muttered blankly as he crossed the backyard.
It was a meaningless remark. His life was already full of wounds. If he was going to be unhappy anyway, it was better to be unhappy next to that woman.
Like a dog tied to a stake and circling around.
Until he can no longer wait for his master...
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