I remembered the days when I picked up every word that came out of his mouth like a jewel and pondered it over and over again.
I would stick words like daggers into my chest and caress them over and over again.
But I didn't want to be hurt anymore. I was also tired of being disappointed by his trivial words and actions.
I had been thoroughly enlightened that I was no longer a stupid adolescent girl, that Thalia Roem Gurta meant nothing to him.
I struggled not to cling to the sturdy arms that carefully held me, and I relentlessly cut off the buds of my hopes that were foolishly stretching out.
The reason he did this to himself was because of his sense of responsibility
He was a man who had observed and analyzed for more than a decade and dissected it hundreds of times in his head. I knew how he worked.
Aside from being tired of Thalia Roem Guirta, I was someone to be protected by him. Even if I am not as important as Gareth or Ayla, I don't deserve to be left in shambles.
Since a man who lives to fulfill his duties has not fulfilled his responsibilities, it was only natural for him to feel indebted.
"I'll prepare a meal."
Entering the dark barracks, Barkas laid me down on the bed.
Thinking in a daze, I lowered my eyes to look at my legs. The tingling sensation began to spread from my shins to my pelvis.
"Food is ready, so please light a scented candle."
"After a meal."
A firm voice rang overhead.
I glared at him with my eyes tightened. But Barcas had already turned around and was giving instructions to his squire.
I wanted to throw a pillow on that boring back, but my limbs felt as heavy as wet cotton, and I couldn't move. In the end, I gave up on getting angry and buried my face under the blanket smelled of Juniper and mint leaves.
After a while, Barcas returned with a bowl of porridge. I reluctantly picked up the spoon. The act of shoving something into my stomach felt drudgery, but if I didn't pretend to eat it, this terrible man would never allow me to burn the scented candle.
I couldn't cope with the worsening pain, so I forced something green with a lot of herbs into my mouth.
"That's enough, right?"
I tossed the half-empty bowl down, and the man who had been standing there watching me eat looked at it as if he were a prosecutor.
O added nervously.
"I ate it. What else are you going to do?"
After staring at my face for a moment, which was beginning to sweat from the pain, Barcas turned around and told the attendant to bring me the censer.
Once again, the whitish smoke encroached on my brain. Feeling the pain gradually subside, I went limp.
It was as if I were in a cold cloud. The presence of the man who was scratching my nerves like a blade also faded a little.
I wondered how long I would hang down in such a drowsy state, but an unpleasant shadow caught in my blurred vision.
I tightened my eyes and stared at them carefully. The graceful silhouette of a woman standing with her back to the sunset stained my retina. It was only after a beat that I realized that it was my noble half-sister.
I observed her hardened face as if she were looking at the ornaments in the closet. A faint crack appeared on her well-groomed face, like well-made porcelain.
I was curious. She was a woman who rarely lost her composure, even if she was harassed by something else. Why are they killing like that?
"I know you feel responsible for this. But you're my fiancé. Is it not appropriate to keep her in your barracks..."
Ayla's muffled voice crept into my eardrums, which were as thick as if they were filled with water.
I furrowed my brows. The softness of her voice touched my nerves more than the words themselves.
I wonder if she is so high-minded even when she is angry.
For me, who had to excrete all the residue of my emotions, it was a restraint that I couldn't even imitate. Maybe that's why I hated Ayla even more.
It was horrible that this woman, with virtues that I could not even imitate, was my half-sister. If I hadn't been constantly compared to her, I would have hated Ayla less than I do now.
She continued.
"If you're afraid to leave her alone, I'll take her to my place. Then you don't have to worry about it anymore..."
"Is there anyone who puts snakes and wildcats in the same cage?"
His dry, tired voice cut through the Princess's words.
I moved my eyes to look at Barcas, who was standing on one shoulder against the barracks column.
It was very unusual for him, who always kept an upright posture, to lean against something like that. Maybe he was in here the whole time I was taking the medicine. It was surprising that he could stand so well. I struggled to lift my eyelids.
"Are you comparing me to such an insignificant beast?"
Ayla's voice became a little sharper.
I tightened my eyes a little more. I wanted to see Ayla's face distorted. But Barcas's broad shoulders obscured her appearance.
Soon after, a cold voice rang out.
"It is not obvious what will happen if Her Highness the Princess stays in your place."
He let out a soft sigh and added in a somewhat sarcastic tone.
"Or do you want to see all the maids you cherish be decapitated?"
Speechless, Ayla shut up.
I stared blankly at his back in the thick shadows.
'...After all, they were watching me. He was there to prevent me from being corrupt anymore.'
I didn't have any expectations from the beginning. Therefore, there should be no disappointment.
But why am I feeling pain again?
I closed my eyes, tired of myself.
When I let go of the strings of consciousness that I had been holding onto, the annoying noises faded away in an Instant. It was as if I were sinking into deep water. I willingly sank into the world of the unconscious.
***
The suffocating heat continued for several days.
For those who had to carry dozens of corpses, it was nothing short of a disaster.
To prevent decay, the body cavity was filled with purifying salt and dried herbs, and myrrh and glaze were applied to the gray, discolored skin. However, as the days passed, a peculiar stench emanated from the coffin.
Naturally, the faces of the marchers were distorted. As I leaned against the window and looked out at the scene, I suddenly remembered that I had prayed that the procession would lead to hell when I left the palace.
Did God answer my prayers?
Or did He punish me?
I was thinking about it as I fiddled with my throbbing knees when I heard a whistle in the distance.
I squinted my adrenal eyes and looked out over the hills. I could see the grey walls towering beneath the gentle hills bathed in intense sunlight.
The miserable and dark journey that seemed to never end has finally come to an end.
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