ICTV - Chapter 68
I changed The Villain
“What I wanted most in the world was talent. I thought that if I don’t have talent, I can’t have fun and I can’t change.”
I clenched her fists lightly.
“But you can feel joy even if you don’t have talent. These days, I keep thinking that maybe something bad that happened to me wasn't my fault, but someone else's fault."
Edgar spoke in a stern tone.
“It’s someone else’s fault, Young Lady. It’s not your fault.”
“...As expected.”
“There are bound to be people somewhere who habitually put others down when they lack confidence or have nothing to say. Those people need to blame themselves a little, but they never blame themselves. Rather, the one who blames himself is the one who heard the harsh words.”
Edgar rested his chin and smiled.
“Young lady. You don’t have to put up with unpleasant situations, but you also don’t have to blame yourself for not handling them properly.”
People encounter countless unpleasant situations in many places, including work, school, and home. But who would dare to raise the right voice there?
We have to endure it for the sake of family relationships, friendships, and livelihood. It is natural to not be able to respond properly in a situation with many restrictions.
“So please don’t blame yourself. In situations where it is okay to blame others, you blame others as much as you want. Don’t try to find something you did wrong in that situation.”
Because it's much better for your mental health.
Edgar narrowed one eye. I once again seemed to understand the reason why Edgar was not made a priest. A family is a family, but Edgar's thinking was overly flexible and realistic.
Usually, in these situations, priests only say vague things like, forgive the person, have a broad mind, etc.
But I can't say anything. What really helps people is Edgar's advice. If I had heard such vague words from the priest in my current state, I would have been really hurt.
I said with determined eyes.
“Then I’ll feel free to blame others.”
“I love it! Young Lady! That’s the momentum! Most people I talk to make me sad because they don’t blame others too much, but you bring me joy!”
I closed my eyes tightly. And I tried hard to blame others.
In the original world, parents only cared for their sons even when they died. They buy their son most of the things he asks for, and they always take him with them whenever they go somewhere.
However, they actually wanted their daughter to take care of them in their golden years. Although she is a gloomy daughter with no charm, she takes care of everything on her own before even asking her to do it. Perhaps they will never know.
Why is it that you do everything on your own before you even ask it to do it? Why did I become darker the further I went?
When I get something I want, I've learned how to calm down rather than throw a tantrum.
My eyes grew hot little by little.
When you think about that, your own death isn't such a futile thing. Because I escaped from a life where I was almost exploited right before my death and gained the life I have now.
A single tear flowed down my cheek. I stopped blaming others in my mind. Instead, I spoke out loud.
“Because of those people, I had more unhappy moments than happy ones, and I learned how to give up before how to challenge.”
I thought that all the misfortunes that occurred in my life were due to my lack of talent. At some point, the desire to be recognized grew stronger than the desire to write, and I thought that the reason I pushed myself was because I was petty.
But not now. I clearly realized why I was like this.
The reason why my heart grew so much bigger is obvious. The moment I try to say something, they say, “You can’t do anything, you can’t do anything with vague talent.”
It was because of people.
I hated those people, but at the same time, I wanted to be recognized by them. Ignoring the fact that even if a miracle happens and I gain talent and become good at writing, people will still criticize you.
My regret is that this is not the outside world. If it had been outside, I could have screamed loudly.
When I clenched my fist, Edgar grabbed a passing employee and gave me a few gold coins. And after whispering something, he kicked the chair and got up. I quickly got up and Edgar went straight out of the cafe. There was no time to ask where he was going.
Edgar stopped only after reaching a relatively quiet alley. He smiled proudly and looked back at me.
It was obvious that we had come here. The more i look at him, the more amazing he is. Was it the ability to empathize with people that made Edgar like this, or was it the experience accumulated from meeting countless people over the years that made him like this?
Edgar whispered kindly.
“Cry as much as you want.”
With those words, Edgar stepped back. My face slowly distorted. I had to cry at the top of my lungs, even though it was unfair that I had been holding it in until now.
I lowered my head and suddenly screamed. The guilt that had been building up in my heart was ripped out by the roots, and it turned into water droplets and fell from the corners of my eyes.
I cried like that for a long time. Several times more than when I cried in the prayer room is bigger and more refreshing.
***
Harmonia, the God of harmony, bestows equal happiness and misfortune on all humans. No matter how unhappy a person is, he or she will become happy someday, and no matter how happy a person is, he or she will become unhappy someday.
From the time a person is born until the time they die. Because living a life that is biased towards one side of the world destroys harmony.
Hearing that story, people trembled with fear that misfortune might come at any time.
A few courageous humans asked Harmonia for the ability to predict misfortune, but Harmonia shook her head. Instead, she gave one piece of advice.
'Do not use your mouth carelessly at any moment.'
A person who is intoxicated by momentary happiness and looks down on unhappy people is not enough to end up unhappy later.
'Because you will be hated by others.'
The moral of this story is that you have to be careful with your mouth. People who don't mess around with their mouths will at least get help from others when they're unhappy, but people who don't... well, it's lucky if they don't get stoned.
Edgar held out his handkerchief to me.
“So, those people who bullied you will definitely become unhappy someday. Unlike the Lady, who receives help from people around you thanks to your good deeds, you receives no help from anyone.”
“...I know.”
I wiped my tears with the handkerchief.
“I’ll wash the handkerchief later and return it to you.”
“No, you don’t have to.”
“Then let me just buy you a new one.”
“There’s really no need for that. Okay, if you want to do that."
Edgar and I stared at Lord Chahe, leaning against the wall.
As if the uproar that had happened was a lie, I had calmed down for a long time.
The two sat in silence for a while. After a few minutes, Edgar spoke.
“Do you still feel like you want to die?”
“...No. I just keep thinking of reasons why I shouldn’t die.”
I'm worried about Beryl. Primrose and Charles also come to mind. The maids in the mansion and Taksha will all be waiting, I worried about them.
As Edgar said, as I had more free time, more people started to catch my eye. I also thought of the weasel that was just waiting for me. I like to feed him the most. I'm actually worried even now. I guess I'm not even eating properly. And decisively.
“I have something I want to say.”
“To whom?”
“Belial.”
"Ah."
Edgar's mouth fell shut. It was temporary that I didn't even notice. But Edgar quickly continued speaking as usual.
“He definitely said that he truly loves you.”
I nodded. Edgar asked cautiously.
“Do you love him too?”
I answered immediately.
“I can’t speak.”
“Did I ask something embarrassing?”
“No. That’s not it.”
I ruffled my messy hair. Between the rose-red hair, I could see earlobes as red as the sunset.
“The answer to that question is what I want to say to Belial.”
"Ah."
“I want to tell Belial first. So I can’t do it now.”
Edgar, convinced, nodded his head up and down.
"Okay. I hope the Young Lady’s true feelings are conveyed to him.”
“It will be delivered.”
I felt a strong will. Anyway, now my concerns have been solved. I might think that a solved problem goes away, but that's not true.
“I have to go back now.”
“That’s right. I asked the staff, but I’m starting to worry about Iris and Taksha too.”
The sky has long since turned orange as if orange juice had been spilled.
The two returned to the inn. On the way, I looked to see if there were any gifts I could give to Beryl and Mera.
“Anyway, I feel ashamed of who I have been.”
"Why?"
“I gave advice to others on a topic that I couldn’t even resolve my own wounds.”
"Well. I think she you able to act like that because you were that kind of person.”
It's not wrong. The pain when a wound occurs is ultimately caused by the person who was hurt.
It was for the same reason that I communicated well with Rika.
When I was convinced, Edgar continued.
“You are truly amazing. You comfort others when you yourself are full of wounds."
Suddenly, a shiver ran down my spine. I instinctively raised my head. Edgar sighed as if he was ecstatic.
“How can someone be so dedicated?”
The jewel-like red eyes suddenly looked cloudy. I couldn't believe my eyes. Unable to believe what had just happened, I closed my eyes once and then opened them.
"Excuse me...."
Edgar tilted his head with clear eyes as usual.
“Why are you doing this?”
"..."
Yes, there is no way that Edgar, who is no one else, would look at me like that. I must have seen it wrong because of the sunset light.
He shook his head.
"It's nothing. Then hurry back.”
I nodded. I wanted to quickly show Taksha how much lighter I had become.
***
The day came to go back. Although the trip lasted less than a week, I was able to change thanks to this trip.
I sipped the cold peach tea Mera had poured her. I remembered the story of Harmonia, who gave humans everything, including good fortune and misfortune, but did not give them the ability to predict the future.
I don't believe in God, but this story seemed to be true. I wanted to die just a few days ago, but now I want to live like this. I called Beryl.
"Brother."
Beryl, who was sitting across from me, nodded. I shook my teacup lightly. The moment we leave this village, we go back to normal. To a daily life that rolls the same way like a squirrel’s treadmill.
“My brother told me. People don’t change easily.”
But I don't think it will be as boring as it used to be. Because I have memories to recall during difficult times. This moment right now will become a momentary memory that I will remember someday.
We want every day to be special and enjoyable, but realistically, that is impossible. Because we live quite a long life. Life will feel futile and meaningless countless times.
But no matter how dry life is, there are always one or two parts that make you happy. Whether it’s a happy moment or delicious food. Delicious food disappears in an instant, and enjoyable moments end in the blink of an eye.
But that fleeting moment becomes the driving force that allows us to live life again
I got curious. What kind of delicious food will I eat again?
I got curious. What other fun things will I find?
I got curious. What other memories will come later?
I smiled brightly while making eye contact with Beryl.
“But it was possible. And that too in a short period of time.”
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