ICTV - Chapter 59
I changed The Villain
Beryl opened his mouth like a crucian carp and then closed his eyes.
“I want to grab your shoulder right now and ask you what you mean. I feel like it would break the mood, so I force myself to hold back...”
Beryl and I looked side by side at the quiet lake. Beryl asked.
“Anyway, I don’t know what you did to him, but what are you going to do with that guy if you go? Are you going to apologize?”
I shook I head.
"I don't know. I don’t even want to think about it right now.”
“Okay, you two will take care of it. I’m sorry for coming all the way to your trip and asking about this.”
Beryl looked at my eyes.
“How do you feel now?”
I answered calmly this time too.
“I’m happy, but it’s awkward.”
“Why is it awkward?”
“I don’t know. It feels awkward like I’m just stealing someone else’s clothes.”
I am by no means an honest and emotional person. I bowed my head. I had such an incredibly happy time that it was worthless all the years I had firmly believed that if I didn't have talent, I would be unhappy and bored for the rest of my life.
Beryl responded as he turned his eyes back to the lake.
“Then you can get used to it from now on."
“Can I get used to it?”
"As long as you keep a few simple things.”
“What are those few things?”
“You are. While you take care of others, you don't take care of yourself. Do you still feel that you are useless?"
Accurate. I think Beryl could open a fortune-telling shop. The downside is that it is accurate only for younger siblings.
Beryl spoke in a stern tone.
“Don’t say to yourself what you wouldn’t say to others.”
The heat that had been on my face was now focused on my eyes. I tried to open my eyes, but it was no use.
“Don’t just be kind to others, be kind to yourself too. No matter what anyone says, the most important thing in the world is yourself, right?”
Belial's words to change for herself, not for others, came to mind. Did Belial say that because he wanted me to stop cherishing him?
Tears fell down my cheeks.
Beryl patted my head with his palm. After some time had passed, Beryl asked.
“Shall we stop now?”
I wiped away tears and nodded.
“Okay, let’s go. If we leave too much, Mera will worry. Oh, by the way, let’s just buy a few tulips on the way. Mera likes that flower.”
“Okay, I’ll get it. How much money...?"
It was when Beryl was rummaging through his clothes pockets to find his wallet.
“Let’s take a boat too. Huh?"
“No, I’m getting seasick.”
“Don’t do that. Let’s ride just a little bit!”
“Why are you really like this when you say you don’t like it? If you want to ride alone...! Ahh!"
A passing couple got into an argument and bumped into me. I flailed from the sudden shock. Beryl hurriedly took both hands out of his pockets and grabbed me.
“Wow, are you okay?! Be careful! The lake here is really deep! The pumpkin flower in our house is so lazy that it can’t even swim!”
“S-sorry! I'm really sorry!"
Don't secretly criticize me. I sighed as I adjusted my clothes. I'm really glad I didn't fall in.
“Brother, it’s okay. I’m not really missing it. Even if I was missing it, it wouldn’t happen. How could I do it when my brother is next to me?"
Die? I don't want to die, so stop it.
Huh? My eyes widened in relief.
***
That night, I couldn't sleep. Because I couldn't stop thinking
Mera had been fast asleep in the small side room attached to this room for a long time. I confirmed that Mera was fast asleep and grabbed the blanket.
“What is the weasel doing right now?”
It would be nice if he could just hold on until I go back and eat well.
I came out to the terrace. There was no fireworks event today so it was quiet. If you are in a quiet and quiet place, your mind can calm down and you can think about various things.
Even if it's a bad idea.
I have no choice but to think about it. Even if I want to stop, I can't. I closed my eyes, breathing in the cold air.
Let's just admit it.
People can't only recall good memories. Before possessing this body, I recalled what happened when I was Ji-hye.
'Do not die. If you die, I will die too.'
The day I tried to turn my back on the world, I spoke in an empty hallway and while crying too.
Da-seo asked Ji-hye several times why she did such a thing.
But I could not speak. I didn't want to spread my unhappiness to the happy Da-seo. Everyone was resigned to seeing me not opening my mouth no matter how much she asked.
'Good. If you don't want to talk, don't.'
Instead, she held out her finger.
'Instead, promise me. You will never do something like this again.'
"..."
‘You don’t like hurting others, right? If you die, it will be a nuisance to me, so don't die.'
I had no choice but to hang my finger. My heart ached. There's nothing I can do as I want, and I can't do anything about dying.
I couldn't breathe properly as I crossed my fingers with Da-seo. My heart ached. It hurt like being stabbed with a knife. But, but… On the other hand, I felt like crying again, even though it had been a while since I stopped crying.
I was finally admitted.
“I was actually really scared of dying. Uh.”
On the other hand, I was happy. I was relieved to hear Da-seo say that. Out of all the reasons why I wanted to die, I foolishly liked the fact that there was just one reason not to die, that I had one excuse to postpone my death.
From that day on, I really did not want to die. Da-seo tried to stay by my side by reducing her meetings with Ye-ji. Even if I said I had no intention of breaking my promise, she did not want to believe it.
Ye-ji naturally disapproved. But she couldn't bother her anymore.
'I decided not to live with Ye-ji..'
'Why?'
‘Mom decided on a place to live and talked about the deposit? But as soon as Ye-ji's mom heard, I'm sorry, but let's pretend it never happened.'
Even if Da-seo and I each had to pay half of the cost, it would have been an unreasonable amount for Ye-ji's family situation. Ye-ji, who was jealous enough to criticize my writings for being ordinary, had no choice when it came to money.
Ye-ji is no longer there. She didn't stick around. It was clear that her pride had been seriously damaged.
As the long-standing problem was solved in a completely unexpected way, I spent each day like a dream. Furthermore,
‘I heard you got accepted to college? Congratulations. Here's your pocket money. Buy what you need with this.'
Relatives who treated me several times more warmly than my parents or younger brother competed to give me pocket money.
‘Sister, don’t take Ji-hye’s allowance this time. Ji-hye is now a college student, so she needs a lot of things.'
‘You too. When did I take it? 'Because the child was an adult, I gave it to her to help with his living expenses.'
'No matter how much it is, are you going to accept it in full? Ugh. You too are too much.'
The pocket money that I always had to voluntarily return to my mother ended up in .h's hands. My eyes naturally opened wide at the amount of money I was holding for the first time in my life.
‘You’re a freshman in college now, so shouldn’t you buy some clothes? Let's go shopping together sometime.'
'...Where?'
‘Where is it? Of course, it's a department store. Although it is expensive, department store clothes are sturdy and can be worn for a long time. Just buy a few items from there that aren't trendy and are common. If you use just a few items well, you can wear them as many times as you want.'
I put my hands in her pockets. A wallet containing a resident registration card and check card was caught.
‘To commemorate your 20th birthday, I will give you a pair of shoes from the department store. Don't say no this time.'
I nodded.
'....Huh. I won't refuse.'
'Exciting. Let’s eat something delicious for lunch too. I know a really good restaurant. Oh, shall we go to a cafe too? I want to eat a piece of cake.'
'I want to go to the bookstore too.'
'Bookstore?! Yes, of course, you have to go to the bookstore! Go and see what's new!'
My wallet got bigger and I had a friend to go with, but the places I could go increased exponentially.
Da-seo continued to teach me about the world I did not know about. Department stores are great places for shopping. How happy it is to buy a drink at a cafe and chat with friends. How delicious is lunch at a restaurant?
Happy. I was so happy that I wondered if this was okay. I walked down the dark street carrying three or four shopping bags.
'I couldn't post today either.'
I held the shopping bag in one hand and took out my cell phone with difficulty. Several puzzled readers left comments after a person who had been diving for several days without notice.
I thought I would be able to serialize with more sincerity after the college entrance exam, but sincerity is crap. In fact, I became more lazy.
I held my cell phone tightly and made a wish. I hope this happiness will last just as long as I have been unhappy.
I did not think that I was making an undeserved wish. But I guess God thought so. As soon as I prayed, I stepped on a can that someone had thrown away and slipped on the stairs.
When I opened my eyes again, I was no longer Ji-hye. I was Belial's first love and ill-fated fiancee, Rose Pale. I could feel it instinctively. That the Ji-hye, me of that world died in that accident.
I washed my face dry. I was worried about Da-seo and felt sorry for myself. I thought I had worked hard, but it ended in vain like that.
I couldn't get out of bed for a while.
Happiness is too short, but unhappiness is too long. There are a lot of concerns, but there is no sign of them being resolved. I don't want to live hard anymore. Even if I lived hard, it was obvious that I would not be able to get what I wanted and would live an unhappy life.
I got out of bed and went down to the kitchen. Because it was late, there was no one in the kitchen. The moment I found something sharp and picked it up, an unknown emotion engulfed me. I looked down for a moment at the hand holding the knife.
I pursed my lips.
'...By the way, I promised Da-seo.'
I didn't know what that feeling was at the time, but now I do. That was fear. I wanted to die so badly, but I was scared to actually die.
I put the knife back on the shelf and went up to the room. This was a different world, so the promise I made to Da-seo was practically invalid. However, because I was afraid of death and wanted to postpone it somehow, I persistently insisted on that promise even after coming to this world. In fact, I can die as much as I want if I want to.
But...
I don't want to suffer anymore.
I don't want to be unhappy anymore.
I want to die, but I don't want to die.
I sobbed, covering my face with my palms. Even in this world, I still can't get what I want. But I still don't want to die.
'Ji-hye, let's eat cake.'
‘Pumpkin flower! Come on!'
'Miss, the weasel wants to see you again!'
It passed in the blink of an eye, but it was such a happy moment. And...
'Rose, I love you.'
I missed Belial so much. He is the person who entrusted my life to him because I was afraid of dying by myself. Why did I make such a fuss, and now it's like this?
I know that I am cowardly and petty. Because I really wanted to die and didn't want to die, I cowardly left it to someone else. But I couldn't suppress it any longer.
I said his name randomly, and I cried.
“Belial, Belial.”
I want to look into those deep blue eyes, listen to the sound of Belial's heart, and whisper that I love him. After that, I want to sleep peacefully next to him without noticing the passage of time.
Today, the bed in my room feels too big and lonely to lie down on alone. I crouched even further.
“If someone like me had been an acquaintance, I would have been cut off long ago.”
No matter what I say, I feel pathetic.
I live lost in thoughts about everything, and I just lie in bed all day unless someone pulls me out. A frustrating person who keeps thinking about wanting to die even if others shower me with affection.
But that person is not an acquaintance she can cut off from, it is myself.
I closed my eyes tightly.
“You were right, Belial.”
I hate this country, but I can’t abandon it because it’s this country. No matter what situation comes my way or what emotions I have, I can never turn away.
I opened my closed eyes.
The sky was getting brighter little by little.
Although I didn't sleep at all, my head was clearer than ever.
I filled my eyes with the morning glare.
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