ICTV - Chapter 43

ICTV - Chapter 43

I Changed The Villain

After Belial returned, I sat in front of the desk. It seemed like the warmth I felt in Belial's arms still remained on my face.

I touched my face a few times and then held the candle high. The invitation was still warm.

“Now that I think about it, Edgar was receiving a lot of credit.”

I wouldn't have misunderstood even if I didn't have to make excuses. I just stared at the awkward invitation. Why did this bastard send me something like this?

“I wouldn’t be happy if he sent something like this.”

It's just annoying. I slumped down on my desk. At that moment, a precious quill pen that was only used to send replies to important people caught my eye. 

I reached for the quill. Writing with ink is incomparably inconvenient and inefficient compared to pressing the screen of a cell phone.

But it was just as wonderful and romantic as it was.

I stroked the black quill with my finger. If you make a mistake in writing, it cannot be erased, so a trace remains. 

After I finish using it, my hands are covered in ink, but I can't stop using it. Because there is something that can only be felt when using a quill.

"..."

This may be the reason why people have the most inefficient love. I only feel it when I can love it because there will be something you can wear.

The moment my thoughts reached that point, my hand stopped.

"This."

I thought about something else for a moment, but several sentences were written on the parchment. I read the sentence. Each sentence was so boring that I yawned. I crumpled the parchment and threw it back.

“… It won’t solve my problem either.”

I moved my quill again.

Underneath the Luhan sentence was a rather unusual name that was not boring. The name is ‘Kim Da-seo (金書)’.

Daseo was a child who was very proud of his name, which meant many books. Da-seo, who grew up with a father who was a famous novelist and a mother who was a Korean language teacher, was a celebrity from an early age. Her name was always on the list of winners of writing contests, and after she became a high school student, she wrote several short stories and won awards in contests.

When she graduates, instead of going to college, she will start preparing a full-length novel.

Daseo, who also had a clear dream, was truly a protagonist.

“On the other hand, I am.”

I wrote the name ‘Han Ji-hye' next to the name ‘Kim Da-seo’. Ji-hye was Rose's original name. It's been a really long time since I thought about it. Now, I am more used to calling myself Rose than by this name. Still, since it was Ji-hye in that world, it would be right to call me Ji-hye.

I closed my eyes.

When her younger brother was born and her childhood became cold, what gave Ji-hye comfort was the books she had on her bookshelf.

There were only books.

Ji-hye read as many books as she could get her hands on. Among them, there were many books that the child could not understand, but Ji-hye did not care. Her parents thought that Ji-hye was reading those books to act smart or to get attention, but she was only reading because she wanted to kill time somehow.

The day she finished reading all the books on the shelf, Ji-hye begged her parents for the first time in her life to buy her a book. If you think about it, it wasn't like she was begging.

'Can't you give me that bookkeeper...?'

Unlike her younger brother, who always fell to the floor whenever he wanted to buy something, she just spoke in a low voice. Her parents, who were watching TV with her younger brother, spoke half-heartedly without even paying attention to Ji-Hye.

'I think about it.'

It's not 'I like it' or 'I don't like it', it's 'I think about it? Ji-hye soon realized. That the answer is equally negative. That incident made her realize how cruel vague answers can be.

Ji-Hye no longer wants something for parents. She didn't ask to buy it. Instead, she borrowed a book as thick and with small text as possible from the school library. After she got a cell phone, she used a web novel app to read novels whenever she had time.

After Ji-hye became a high school student, she had to control herself. It was because of her parents who were only interested in college entrance exams and had no interest in anything else.

‘Do you remember the eldest daughter downstairs? Well, it seems like it was just yesterday that she was so obsessed with S University, but I heard she already graduated and got a job.'

"..."

'I heard that after he graduated from S University, people from all over the world tried to recruit him. Make sure you get into a good university and give us a good grade. Let's take a look at our eldest daughter.'

Yes. Ji-hye was the eldest daughter. Although she ate with her younger brother's leftover side dishes, received much less pocket money than her younger brother, and was treated as invisible even when she was at home, Ji-hye was clearly the eldest daughter in the family register.

There was a lot she wanted to say, but Ji-hye kept her mouth shut, as always. Because it was true that his parents fed her and raised her.

Unlike her younger brother, Ji-hye did not go to a private academy and only studied at school and at home. Her grades were good, but not very good. Her parents wanted Ji-Hye to get better grades. So, whenever they had the chance, they spoke.

‘If you’re going to study or anything else, stop being vague. Even if you're vaguely good at it, it's completely useless for making a living.'

Ji-hye felt that her parents' words were contradictory. If Ji-hye really quit studying, the first people who would make an uproar would be her parents.

This time too, Ji-hye had a lot to say, but she did not show it outwardly.

However, as time passed, or to be more precise, after becoming friends with Da-seo, the clashes with her parents began to increase little by little.

Even after becoming Rose, Ji-hye could not forget Da-seo. The faces of her parents and younger brother in the original world were already blurry, but Da-seo's face immediately came to mind as clearly as if she had seen it yesterday. Even if she was asked to describe it in writing, she could do it right away.

The hair that is always tied up, the gym clothes worn over the school uniform blouse, and the face that is always full of life.

Da-seo had a strong presence everywhere and had a strong opinion. This was thanks to being born as an only child and receiving a lot of love from her cultured parents. Rose probably won't be able to forget Da-seo in the future.

Da-seo was a precious friend who taught Ji-hye both hope and despair.

Rose took out a bunch of memories.

I drew lines haphazardly over the names of Da-seo and Ji-hye. When their names became completely invisible, I looked at my hands. I hadn't used the quill for a long time, but my palms were instantly covered in ink. I looked down at the hand for a long time.

“What do I really want to do?”

You don't know anything about me, not even about other people. In some ways, this can be said to be a disadvantage. I continued muttering.

“There’s no way I have any advantages."

This is a fact that does not need to be discussed. But what else do you want to talk about? 

I took out a new piece of paper and was about to write a reply to decline the invitation when I realized something important.

“...Wait a minute, Belial already asked to go.”

I eventually had to write a reply saying I would accept the invitation. I put the reply in an envelope, stamped it with the family seal, and washed my hands thoroughly. 

I jumped into bed with my arms wide open. Even though I washed my hands, the ink marks were still clearly visible.

As I looked at my hands, I realized one thing.

I could only write sentences that were extremely cliché, but I was so immersed in it that I didn't notice the passage of time.

I realized that I still thought of writing as fun. That was when I clenched my fist.

"Miss. Are you okay for a moment?”

It was Rika. I reflexively hid my hands behind my back.

"What's the matter?"

“I thought you might be busy checking your luggage, so I fed the weasel, but it doesn’t eat what I give it. What should I do?"

“Okay, I’ll go out and see.”

“Thank you, Miss.”

Rika left first, looking relieved. I looked at my hidden hand again. The more I clenched my fist, the more prominent the ink mark became. Sometimes there are things you can hide from others, but you cannot hide from yourself.  

I recited out loud a sentence I often read in self-help books.

“Don’t fool yourself. If you want to do something, you should do it no matter what.”

But what after that? What should I do after that? 

I'm not talented enough to keep doing it, and I'm not courageous enough to keep doing it without people's approval and attention. There is a lot of greed in a subject that lacks everything.

“It’s so pathetic I’m dying.”

I went down the stairs. Actually, I've been feeling it for a long time.

The fact that no matter how deep I bury a bad memory, it sticks out like an awl and stabs me without warning. It is not something that can be erased or forgotten just by looking away.

I relaxed my hands which were still clenched into fists. My body went down little by little to immerse myself in what seemed like a deep sea. I thought I couldn't fall any lower, but life has always surpassed my imagination.

Why can't I still give up on it? Can I be recognized for that?

It's not like I can be loved. I wanted to ask.

Ji-hye, what on earth do you want to do?

Ji-hye, who dreamed of becoming a novelist, definitely died that day. 

I, who had completely sunk, stared helplessly. Ji-hye was thrown away carelessly at the bottom.

***

It's natural to want to be good at what you like, and it's natural to want to be successful at what you're good at.

For Ji-hye, writing was something she loved and was good at. But Ji-hye's family was not interested in it at all. The only thing they cared about was the appearance of Ji-Hye.

“What kind of girl are you to be so loud?”

“Ji-hye, since you’re always making a mess, I’m going to run away down the hallway you came from.”

“Don’t go anywhere and say you’re my sister. I’m so embarrassed to be family with a gloomy kid like you.”

Ji-hye could not refute those words. In the creative work I read yesterday, every time the lovable main character showed cuteness, the people around her loved it so much that they were on the verge of fainting.

I thought it was funny because things like that only happened in novels, but when I listened to the adults, it seemed like things like that were happening in real life too.

'If you're a woman, you must be pretty.'

'If an adult says something, you must smile and say that you understand. That's the secret to having a good social life.'

This is exactly what I heard during the last holiday. Adults are crazy about cute and gentle daughters. But I couldn't do that even if I died. Ji-hye, who only smiles when I want to, was always worried.

Does a daughter have to be unconditionally loving? Even though I have a gloomy personality, What you want is Nolbu’s simbo?

The only moment I could forget my worries was when I was writing. So Ji-hye participated whenever a writing contest was held at school. The reason I met Da-seo was through a writing contest.

“Are you all here?”

Ji-hye, who was taking care of the writing contest information pamphlet in the teacher's office, looked up and smiled brightly as if asking.

When was the Korean language teacher so expressionless?

“What did you call me for?”

"This."

The Korean language teacher handed out a notice to a female student who had just arrived at the teacher’s office.

“The book report contest is being held again. Are you going to participate this time too?”

“Yes, of course, I should participate.”

The Korean teacher spoke with a happy face.

“And can you tell your father that I really enjoyed reading the new book that came out this time?”

"Of course. I’m sure my father will be happy too.”

“Please.”

The Korean teacher patted the female student on the shoulder.

“Are you going to leave here too?”

"Huh. I have to go out.”

“The kids need to be a little nervous. A genius writer is competing this time too."

“What about participating?”

When the friend next to her asked a question, Da-seo smiled as she put her hand into the gym uniform worn over her school uniform blouse.

Just because you're next to a special child doesn't mean you feel special.

But Ji-hye at that time was so stupid that she did not know that fact.

Previous        Next

Support Novellate!